I really have no reason to cry. Most often in my life, when tears are actually shed from my eyes, there is no reason behind them besides blind wanting of the release of pent up emotion. When I was bullied, when I was hurting, those were times when tears were justified. Yes, if I cried then, it would be justified indeed. But in times like that my eyes remained dry. But, I have thought myself as a stronger person because of it. But the strongest people always cry behind very well built brick walls that make around themselves.

So, when it’s quiet and I’m behind my strongest walls, without a reason, I always cried. Why? I’m a strong person that way. That makes me the most proud.

“My mom and dad, I think they’re warming up to the idea of you,” I said to Jonghyun while we were on the bus to school. He fidgeted a bit; I knew how he had a fear of the germs on bus seats. However, he smiled a bit at my statement.

“You know the idea of something and it actually happening is a bit different,” his blunt statement picked at a cord in me, but it was nothing new to me. It wasn’t something I thought of.

Yeah, my parents could want me to be happy. But, if I pressed my mouth against Jonghyun’s and seized happiness by its roots, I could not see them being very happy about it. I could feel their gasps, their anger, and their shame; yes, to say they would like it, which would be a lie.

“I know that. I don’t expect them to let you sleep over at my house or anything, but maybe they’ll let us go out places together. Maybe then I won’t have to run off to your house every night.”

“I quite your little night visits though. The thought of it is kind of y, don’t you think?” he smirked. After I prompt smack to the back of his head, I mumbled a frustrated, “You ert.” He chuckled at my response though which only infuriated me further.

We sat on that bus for a few seconds, silent. I watched the blur of trees and sky going pass by the window. It was calming in a hectic way. Watching the chaos of swirling coloring and movement calmed me in an odd way.

“Sometimes I think they choose to be blind,” I mumbled.

“Sometimes it’s easier not to see,” Jonghyun responded.

The thought of it made me sick. My shoulders sagged a bit and I crumbled into myself. Jonghyun’s fingers slid against my own and held them a bit tighter than he usually did. I didn’t mind it in an instance like this.

“You know Jinki, when I first met you I knew you were a liar,” he said, his blunt words hitting my like a truck that was speeding.

“What do you mean?” my voice rose in sudden shock.

“I know you better than you think. I don’t know little things like your favorite cereal and your favorite song, but those important things, I know them all. You don’t like big beds because you feel like you’re drowning in them, you find the dark comforting, and you’re most happy when you read because you don’t have to think about things you don’t like. Because I know all of those things, I know you’re a liar too. You’re the type of person that doesn’t tell anyone what’s wrong. But, I want to know what makes you upset. That’s the only thing I don’t know yet,” he confessed. His thumb was rubbing back and forth on my hand, tracing circles and swirls on my skin.

“What makes me sad? What’s so important about that? Wouldn’t you rather know what makes me happy?” I smiled a bit. It was such an odd thing for him to want.

“Well, if I make sure you’re never near what makes you upset, then you would be happy right?”

“I guess I would be happy. But, why is always about me being happy? Why can’t we focus on you for once?” I elbowed him a bit in the side.

“You don’t know me very well, do you?” He laughed a bit, that smirk of superiority splayed across his big old fat head. I remained silent, unable to think of a proper reply.

“The thing that makes me happy is making you happy. I’ve been waiting since middle school to just talk to you. Now I get to hold your hand. Don’t you think I owe you for making me so happy?” he said with that ever-present smile.

For the first time in a long time, that feeling of falling came again. That feeling of tumbling down a well, falling into the ocean, being lost at sea and drifting deeper and deeper into that unforgiving sea of love that I was constantly dragged into my Jonghyun greedy hands. I was drowning. I could feel the salt water in my nose and my throat, burning and stinging. But, it was a feeling I craved and longed for. But, I also feared it. I dreaded the feeling of Jonghyun’s hands against my skin.

It wasn’t that he repulsed me or that I didn’t like how it felt. If I didn’t I would have smacked him away by now. It was that after he touched me, I became a monster of sorts. I was greedy and filled with envy. I wanted more of his touches, more of his kisses, more of his love. But then, it grew worse. I wanted it all. I wanted all his thoughts and breathes and touches and longings and words and laughs and smiles. They were mine. They all had to belong to me. And if someone else made him smile or laugh or even happy, I would fall apart.

Is that love? Falling to pieces at the mention of someone’s name? Is that what I had to do to be loved as well? Is that makes us happy, to be hurt and scared like a wounded stray dog out in the rain? Is that what I must endure in order to get a few kisses placed on my cheeks?

But, I am a greedy soul. A simple kiss planted across my skin was not enough for me. Because the things you cannot see mean much more to me. I did not want a hand to hold or a smile to view or a laugh to hear. No. I wanted a mind to pick at and a comforting presence and a constant warmth and soul, a soul much like mine, to accept me as his. Yes. I wanted all of him. Every bit of Jonghyun to be resting in my palm.

I would have him under lock and key. I would hold him in the confines of my heart so he could never get away from me. God, love makes you such a greedy beast. Oh, Love made me sick. Not of body, but of soul did Love spread it’s disease. My insides were turning black and dark with greed and possession and I love made me ugly.

I always heard that love brings out the best in people. I am beginning to think that love brings out the best in the person you are falling in love with, but the worst in yourself. But, Jonghyun seemed to like this horrible version of myself I was presenting. Maybe that’s because he is only seeing the best in me as I see the best in him?

“What makes me upset is being alone,” I said while looking at him, allowing my eyes to trace his face, his nose, his eyes, the curves of his lips all in equal parts. “So, if you really want to make me happy, never leave me alone. Always be next to me even when I get annoyed or if I get annoying. In the end, I’m a liar. So even if I say that I don’t want you there, I do. I say those things because I don’t want you to know that I get upset. I lie a lot, so I hope you’re ready for that. I know it’s hard. I know I’m difficult. But, don’t let me be alone again.”

His thumb traced my skin again, like it always did.

“I told you I’ll always be here,” he pressed his lips against my cheek quickly as our bused stopped at our school.

“And, I’m not a liar.”

(A/N): hello my little nuggest of happiness and joy and flowers and sunshine and rainbowssss~

How are you today?
I'm feeling a lot better right now tralalalalalalala. The last few days have been a great improvement indeed! I'm feeling so much better and I'm ready to come back and write tons of updates and YES!

So, thank you everyone for sending me really sweet well wishes. It made me happy. ♥ Like, it's so wonderful when people are just like "take your time!" and "I hope you feel better" so thank you so much for that it just made me so happy inside I wanted to just crryyyyyy.

AND GUESS WHAT GUYS THIS IS REALLY COOL YOU MUST KNOW. 

So, I have a really close friend that is a lesbian. And she's really sweet. But, she's really into the LGBT community, while I am not really into that stuff. I just feel like I dunno, we're just people so why do we need special groups were making ourselves different and it makes us look like outsiders but anywayyyyy, she's really into that whole community thing and today, which is sunday for me, she took me to a christian gay club. Literally, a club for Christians that are Gay. I joined a gay club, guys. a real gay club. I can feel the rainbows and glitters radiating from my body.

But anyway, the wonderful thing was that I met really wonderful people there that are all wonderfully gay and it was nice to feel like I was normal. Like me being gay and christian and a little weird was okay and good and i felt so blessed. The feeling of being accepted is really beautiful. I was just really glad in that moment. I had never really felt that way before. It was just really beautiful.

But, I made a couple cool friends and I even MADE PLANS TO GO OUT AND DO STUFF WITH A FRIEND. I haven't gone out with someone just for fun since High school. I'm really happy and the guy I'm hanging out with is SOOOOO nice and he likes Yukio Mishima and he knows about Japanese culture and he's tall and he likes coffee and he said i was cute and he's pretty cute too so you know that's an adding bonus WINK WINK.

We'll just wait and see how this one plays out you know, I feel as if this guy has some potential. We could be very close friends I think. I'm just really content.

So guess who answered QUESTIOOONNNSSSSSSS? I did~~~.

(P.s I was too lazy to highlight the questions and change all the colors and I'm sorry don't hate me. just lazy. ugh.)

Kenneth's questions:

B2astly asked “what helps you sleep?”

Do you really want an honest answer with this? Drinking and . If I drink I just pass out anywhere. If I have I get really tired afterwards and then I pass out anywhere. So like just do vigorous activities until you pass out.

NightOwl asked “what is one thing that annoys you about the other? Also, what do you do that you think annoys marcus?”

Marcus is too ing attractive. It pisses me off a lot. Can he just ing stop? Its annoying when girls look at him or when ing FAN GIRLS CALL HIM CUTE COULD YOU ING NOT. Its not even ok. Pls don’t. OH and hes too ing smart. Whenever I say ing anything ever on earth marcus ALWAYS SAYS WELL DID YOU KNOW BLAH BLAH BLAH or we’ll watch ing Korean or Japanese or Chinese or Spanish movies and he’ll be like OH THAT TRANSLATION IS WRONG THEY REALLY SAID SOMETHING MORE LIKE BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s really ing annoying because I’m dum.
he probably gets mad that I am really protective. I know he is like a little man or something but he is my little man. I just don’t think he appreciates this to the fullest capabilities that he posseses.

Rachanasapre asked “what is your biggest fear and why?

After you little fangirls kept asking me about like what animal do you want to be and wat food I am I have a fear of being ing EATEN TO DEATH THANKS. Like holy ing what if I get eaten holy . I’m pissed. I don’t want to get eaten. . I can ing imagine my bones getting chewed on and . NO.

DaeLITE asked Do you often get depressed? How do you handle it/get rid of it? 

I used to get depressed back in the old days when I couldn’t touch marcus’ . Those were the ing dark ages. Now, I can’t tell you how to be happy, but I know how to make you normal. Think about it like this, now, when Zuko did his fire bending and Katara put out the flames, there was nothing after that right? The water puts out the flames because water is the opposite of fire. If you don’t want to be depressed do the opposite of depression. So just do what makes you happy or whatever jeez getting a ing hobby or something I’m not going to spell it out for you. Damn. just do something fun. Yolo or something.

Shiningangelmel asked what is the sweetest present you've gotten? 

The sweetest present was the day Marcus let me touch his for the first time. Thanks Marcus. You made that day extra special.

Whitestallion asked kenny, why do you swear so much?

Why the not? Look. Cussing is ing ok. People do it all the time. There’s a lot more I can say that isn’t as ing serious as cussing, you know what I mean? I’m not calling anyone ugly or stupid or anything. I’m just like saying and but it’s not directed at anyone. Filler words. is like saying “omg” and “like” for Marcus. Think about it for a ing second, man. If marcus says “think about it for like a second.” It’s fine. But if I say ing it’s a big deal. No one should care. I just cuss because I just do. Do what you want. Who cares anyway, kid?

Remilovesyou asked when you guys have free time what do you like to do?

I like sleeping, eating, sometimes I play soccer. Art. Food. . Smoking. Drinking. And sleeping. And I touch marcus’ . Don’t be jealous.

 how do you like your job does it make you happy doing what you do?

I ing love my job. It has everything I like in it. Art, smoking a lot, breaks, high pay, I get to stab stuff, and sometimes I get to draw ladies on old biker’s backs too. Plusssss, I get free mints from the jar in the waiting room. Score.

BananaMilk21 asked How did you came across this story?

Well. As the alpha dog in this house hold I need to take care of my wolf pack. So, like I stalk the wild deer in the woods, I also stalk my wolf pack of hotties that have nice asses. Boom pow.*howls at the moon*

SammiAhn asked What do you prefer; Sprite, or Mt. Dew?

Neither. That’s gross. Caprisun on the rocks please and thank you. Cheers.

NightOwl asked “what are you most proud of?

I did in school but i still graduated and i have a good job. Im proud that i can like support my boyfriend and if he wants anything i can provide it for him.

DaeLITE asked  If you could go back in time, would you change anything? Why and What? In your life or in history, it doesn't matter

Well .
 There is a lot of ing bull that happens isn’t there? A better question would be what wouldn’t I change. I up a lot. Im not like a bad person or I just have a natural tendency to not do the right thing. i just always make a lot of promises I never get to keep. I would change that like I promised my mom that I would go to college and and I told my brother that I would stop flushing his toys down the toilet if he gave me candy. I dont know if i would change it so that I kept my promises or that i never promised anything at all. i guess i would just change that i disappointed a lot of people.

Nori’s Questions:

Remiloves you asked do you have an item that you can't live without?

I don’t think I can live without my laptop. Not because I’m like very materialistic, I just really like talking to people and I don’t have a phone. So, I really only communicate to people through the internet. We have a home phone though but no one calls me. I’m supposed to get a phone soon though. So, maybe when I have a phone I will like it more because it would have internet on it…so I could talk to you guys and like my family I guess. That is something I don’t think I could live without.

Mydubu_mynamstar asked Have you ever seen a ghost? Haha. Do you even believe that ghosts exist? 

I think ghosts are real! I really do. When I lived in Japan, we had a small old house in Nagoya. And it was a traditional home that had like floor mats to sleep on and we didn’t even own katatsu and they had a traditional roof and everything. But, I swear there were ghosts in that house! It was just one of those creepy places that you felt like someone was watching you. Sometimes our plates would break in the kitchen and no one would have been in there. It was really weird. I really think that ghosts are real after that.

B2astly asked what helps you sleep?

A lot of things. Sometimes it is important to exercise before bed! Because it will make you ever tired! Sometimes using face masks, like skin facials to get rid of acne, they help you sleep because it feels really relaxing. Sometimes music helps you sleep. But, I think that sounds help you sleep more, like rain, the ocean, ect? Because sounds like rain and the ocean is white noise and it blocks out other noises. Plus, it is very relaxing! Drinking warm drinks helps me sleep as well! Or eating bread and water because eating makes me sleepy, and bread and water fills up your stomach quickly. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, so sometimes I have to do more than one thing to help me sleep. So, try different combinations of things. It really helps!

Rachanasapre asked what is your biggest fear and why?

I’m scared that I will be alone. I don’t know, it’s just a really big fear. I can’t sleep alone in a bed. I can’t stay home alone. It scares me being like that. I feel trapped and scared. Being lonely is like being in a cage.

DaeLITE asked Do you often get depressed? How do you handle it/get rid of it? 

H’m. This is one of those complicated questions. A lot of the time, I just feel really crummy. Sometimes, I just get upset because I try so hard. I try to stay positive and happy and cheery and I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset. Because I’m Nori, and Nori is never unhappy! Nori is bright and cheerful and positive and Nori helps people with their problems and he never ever gets upset or gets angry or hurt or bothered by things. But I’m so sad. I’m so sad I just want to cry. Maybe that isn’t the same as being really depressed. But, when I get sad, my sadness never really leaves. It feels like something that sits in my chest and forms this lake in me. When something else that is bad happens, it’s like a ripple goes through the lake and makes everything so much worse. I get depressed a lot because to everyone, I am Nori, a person that is always happy and is only sad for maybe a day or two at most. But, I’m really just Makasu. When I realize that I’m not really living up to anyone expectations, I get really sad. You guys expect a lot from me, but I’m really not that wonderful. That makes me upset.

But, I’m not sad all the time. I think the best way to handle it is to realize everything you have. I really think that the key to happiness is satisfaction. In order to be satisfied, we need to find the things in our lives that are good, that make us even the slightest bit happier. Because if we ignore all the small things, those small things add up and then big chunks of our lives are missed out on. I mean little things like the weather being nice, the bus coming on time, you waking up early, getting your homework done, finally getting to go to bed after a really long day. If you are satisfied with those things, you will be happy. It’s human nature to always want more and more and that can make us more sad, I think. So, if we stop wanting more and we appreciate what we have, we are satisfied with that.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t strive for more. I still think we should set goals, go after dreams, do the unexpected. But, while we do that, we should also appreciate what we already have and cherish that along with trying to add on to what we have.

Shiningangelmel asked what is the best present you have ever gotten?

One time my ex-boyfriend, Bae, when I lived with him, the Sherlock album came out. For my birthday he bought it for me and I was really happy. Not just because I love shinee, but he put a lot of thought into it. I own every single Shinee album there is, and the only one I didn’t have in hard copy was Sherlock, so it meant a lot that he got it for me.

Whitestallion asked what is a typical day of your life?

I live the life of a house wife!

Life has been a bit different lately, but most of the time, I wake up at 8 am when Kenny wakes up for work. While he takes a shower, I make coffee and toast and I make sure he has all his stuff for work. After he leaves, I clean the kitchen and most of the time I take out the trash and stuff. The next part is my favorite because I see if we need anything from the store like milk or eggs. If we do, I get to go on the bus and I go to the store and buy things. That’s always really fun because I like looking at all the stuff at the store and finding stuff on sale. Sometimes I get Kenny and my other roommate stuff they like if it’s on sale too like cookies and candy. But sometimes it because it is hot outside and if I go outside I have to wear like sweaters and long pants and beanies and like surgical masks because of my health. So, I get sweaty. But, Then I go home. But if I don’t go to the store, I just stay home and clean more. Like I clean the bathroom twice a week and we have two bathrooms and I vacuum every other day. I have a whole schedule for cleaning. But, then I make lunch for my roommate because she comes home for lunch. After that I plan what I want to make for dinner or I do laundry if Kenny doesn’t have any more shirts for work. But, then Kenny comes home. So, then I used to ask Kenny how his day was. But, lately I have just been taking naps at that time instead or I play with Gou my dog. Then I make dinner. Then I clean the kitchen again. By then it is like 9 pm. Then I go on tumblr and aff and livejournal and my devianart. Then I watch Netflix or read manga and I go to sleep. And then it starts over again! But, yeah, it's like I am a house wife except I’m not married or anything! It’s weird.

Remilovesyou asked when you have free time what do you like to do?

When I have free time I either write or I draw. My drawing isn’t very serious because it is more weird chibi doodles or “kawaii” doodley things. But, I take painting and writing really seriously. I also study English more because my spoken English is bad. Or I practice my Kanji. I like playing with my dog too.

Sammiahn asked what is your view on people with orange and purple dyed hair?

I think that if you have orange or purple hair that you are a confident person and I really admire that! I think it looks really cool when people do that to their hair! I wish I could do it too! I really like it.

DaeLITE asked What's your favorite animal? 

My favorite animal is a Gou. A Gou is fluffy and stupid and it likes to eat food off of the floor. A Gou also one time ate my favorite shirt and used the bathroom on my roommates shirt, but I still like him. Also, my dogs name is Gou. That is all.

Sonwolforlife asked can u post a picture of u illustrating Kenny? :3 

It looks just like him.

I feel bad because you asked this a while ago so I'm sure youw ere expecting a serious portrait filled with adoration and deep love. Oops.
PS. his crown has an L on it because he is King of Losers. Tah-dah.

PSS. We're friends again so I'm allowed to make fun of him. He is stupid.
 

Okay, so that was all the questions that I got! So, I finally caught up! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY. I'm so happy with myself right now I'm just going to give myself a high five. When you high five yourself it's just clapping. I just realized I was just clapping. Well, I'm going to applaud myself. clap clap clap clap.

Anyway! You guys weren't really having a good week so I was very upset. I really want this week to be good for you and for oyu smile a lot and be happy. Please find something to smile about and do things that you love as well. Let;s try to all look on positive notes and smile together always! I really don't like it when you're sad. Please remember I'm always here to talk with.♥

So, the question I would like to ask you isssss

What inspires you?

Everyone is inspired by something. It could be a song, a thing, a person and idea, a religion ever? Inspiration can be found anywhere.

SO, please answer in a comment or feel free to ask me questions as always!

I LOVE YOU

so much

your

cute

and

hot

and

wonderful

have

a

good

day!

BYEEE BBY.