“Hyung, do you think you’re good looking?” Jonghyun asked me. It was quiet before that. We had been sitting in silence for some time.

“What do you mean?” I said lazily while stretching slowly. He was sitting at my desk doing homework and I was lying on my bed reading.

“I mean, do you think that you’re handsome,” he said with a shrug.

“I don’t think I’m handsome, but I think I’ve gotten better looking,” I said with my own shrug. It’s rather true. I wasn’t a good looking guy; I was just a smart guy. I was, however, a lot better looking than how I used to look.

“H’m, that’s weird,” he mumbled while tapping his pencil.

“What’s weird?” I asked, gaining interest.

“I think you are handsome, and you don’t. But, shouldn’t you think so too? Everyone else does,” he said while spinning in my office chair.

“What are you talking about?”

“Everyone in school thinks you’re handsome, so why don’t you?” He said while trying to balance the pencil on his nose.

“Because I’m me, so I can’t think I’m handsome.”

“Why not? You are handsome, so why don’t you just say you are?” Jonghyun questioned me further.

“Because I’m not handsome at all!” I was getting a bit frustrated. He pouted at me and stood up. With a sigh he approached the bed and sat down on the edge.

“I think you’re handsome,” he said softly, his hand touching my arm gingerly. I sighed and shook my head.

“Yah, I said you’re handsome, why don’t you believe me?” He asked.

“Aish, you always ask hard questions,” I complained. For some reason, he smiled and laughed a little bit.

“And you never give me answers,” he said while laying out across my bed. His head landed in my lap. I couldn’t help but look down at him fondly. I don’t know why, but seeing his face made me smile. It made me unconditionally happy. It was kind of dumb, but I liked seeing him.

His hair got a little messed up, so I ran my fingers through it to get it out of his face. He hummed softly in response. He closed his eyes and just relaxed in my lap. For some reason, I felt the need to play with his hair like my mom does to me. It always felt nice when my mom did it to me, so I guessed it would be nice for him to. So, my hands kept running through his hair and braiding little pieces. The cycle of braiding and unbraiding and pulling and letting go kept going on.

I wish he knew all the things I thought. I guess, I feel he deserves to know that I think that he’s absolutely wonderful. But for some reason, whenever I try to tell him all the words get tied up into horrid twines and knots in my throat and not much more than a gasp escapes. I guess all the time I spent alone really made me introverted. My mind is so loud and it screams so much at him, but he doesn’t hear a single noise. It’s like I’m in a forest screaming at a man who is all the way in the city. He couldn’t hear me even if he knew I was speaking.

You deserve to know how beautiful you are. Jonghyun can always tell me how handsome and great I am, but I can never say anything back. It’s so unfair to him. Does that make me a bad person? Does being scared of things like this make me weak? Or am I just overly cautious? I’m not sure.

“Your hands are soft, Jinki hyung,” Jonghyun commented, his eyes closed and a smile tugging at his lips.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it feels nice,” he hummed a bit. I smiled down at him.

It has become so easy for me to live in sorrow. To live any other way seems unreal, not much more than a faint fantasy I thought of as a child. I’m so used to being alone I have become suited for it. Being around people is hard for me now. But, being with you brings me such bliss that it feels natural. It feels so easy to be happy around you it’s shocking. It’s like I’m standing on the threshold of a new world and I just need to jump in. But jumping into the unknown is so hard. No matter how much I want to, I hope you know how hard it is for me. I want to just swim out into the middle of the ocean with you, but I’m so scared I’m going to drown in my feelings. It’s so much easier to never go into the ocean at all and never feel anything at all. It’s so easy to be numb. Even if I can’t tell you out loud, please just know, that just because I am afraid, It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I do love you.

I’m just so afraid.

Please know that in this silence, I am saying so much. I hope you can hear my yells and tears and out cries. They’re all for you. They’re just so hard to let out from my lips. It’s just so easy to be quiet, but it takes so much effort to push words from my mouth. To want to speak is such a change for me. It’s hard for people to change.

And, you have to understand, I’ve always heard love is a bad thing. Love hurts people. Love tears people apart and can leave them all alone. So, don’t we have a right to be afraid? Doesn’t just the thought of drowning in all of this make you scared? The farther we get into this love, the harder it is to claw ourselves out. Maybe we just need to stop while we are ahead.

The more I learn about love, the more I hate it. The more I love you, the more scared I get. The more I just want to run away. Every time you make me smile, I want to cry because things like this have to end. Nothing can last forever. One day you’ll get tired of me. There’s no way that you can like me forever. You have to want to get rid of me, but by then it will be too late. I’ll already have drowned. I would have gotten in too deep and by then you won’t care anymore if I drown.

“Jinki hyung, what’s your favorite thing about yourself?” He asked me suddenly, his hand held mine against his face. My palm was flatly pressed against his cheek. His eyes were still closed, that small smile was still present. He seemed so happy to just be here with me.

I answered without thinking.

“I’m your boyfriend.”

Jonghyun’s eyes opened. They were filled with something like wonderment. He looked… surprised… maybe shocked. But, then they glistened, filled with the glazed look of tears. I was surprised. I didn’t expect… this.

“Really?” his voice was so soft, so weak.

“Yeah…” my own voice was wavering.

Then, one tear fell down. It slid across his face and his face started getting red. Then more and more tears fell and I didn’t know what to do. I wiped them away quickly, but they just kept coming. Soon, he was wheezing and clinging to my shirt. I just rubbed his back and cooed in his ear. But, his tears didn’t stop for a while.

“Yah, why are you crying? Nothing bad happened,” I said while patting his back and rocking his back and forth a few times.

“I’m just so happy,” he choked out. I could hear him sniffling a bit. “you really like me,” he sobbed again.

I realized that I’m not the only silent one. This whole time, Jonghyun was probably scared that I didn’t even like him. He was probably thinking about everything I was thinking about and worrying about and being scared about. I realized then, we had so much in common it was scary. I knew that we had some similar experiences. And, I knew that he had been alone too.  He didn’t know what to do with people either.

We were the same.

“Hey, Jonghyunnie~,” I cooed once his tears had stopped and he was just clinging to my shirt and burying his face in my shirt silently.

“Yeah?” he asked with his voice muffled.

“I really like you, okay?”

“Okay. I like you too, hyung,” he answered back. His voice wasn’t quite hopeful.

“I’m sorry I don’t say it much, I just… it’s hard. It’s hard for me,” I was a choking a bit just by saying this much.

“I understand,” he whispered. I rubbed his back. He seemed to calm down after that. We were silent for a bit after that. His breathing steadied. In that time, I decided that if I let myself fall and I get hurt, it’s my own fault. I’ll just have to get over it. But it just seemed so unfair to Jonghyun to let him be pained like this too. Love seemed to get more painfully complicated as it went along.

“I love you,” he whispered softly. I chuckled a bit at his cute act.

“I know,” I replied.

“And you love me too, hyung,” He said a bit more happily.

“I know.”

I really did. I think I always will.

(A/N):

Yew guise.

I do not feel good today. ;A; LUPUS SUUUCCKCKSKSKSKCKCKSKKCSKCKSKCKSCKSKKSKCKSKKCKCKSKSKCKCSKCKSSCKS.

Can I just tell you a short story just because I still don't know what to do with my life at this point. So. today me and Kenny were just laying in bed commencing the cuddles. I like the cuddles. Anyway, today was one of those days where I was just not in the mood for people. Like, everything was annoying me. So, my boyfriend was trying to talk to me and I was just getting so aggravated so I told him to just stop talking and leave me alone before I got actually really mad at him. 

I know. I'm really mean. But. He killed my pet fish so I'm upset with him. I was trying to avoid getting actually really angry with him because I just don't like fighting with Kenny because I love him.
then he just decides to just be the freak of nature he is.

He put his finger in my belly button.
In.
My.
Belly button.

Have you ever had someone put their finger in your belly button? It is... not neccesarily horrible. But... I wouldn't say I enjoyed this. Apparently his reasoning is "You can't yell at me if my finger is in your belly button." And... I really couldn't yell at him.... I can't even disagree.... You can't yell at people if their finger is in your belly button. It's just not possible. I don't even know how to react anymore. What do I do in this situation?

My life is just an emotional roller coaster, isn't it?

OKAY SO I REALLY AM GOING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS NOW. REALLY THIS TIMMEEEE. I have like 8 questions though and you know I like to ramble SO YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Akemi59 asked me "How did you know you swing the other way?"

I really didn't think about dating or relationships or even until I was already like 16. So, the idea of being gay wasn't even there for me. I didn't go to a public school until I was a junior and you really meet a lot of people. I actually met my boyfriend I have now then at a party. And, I was honestly pretty drunk at this time. I was only 16 and he was like 17 or maybe 18. But, I ended making out with him inside of his car. It wasn't that I thought that I liked men in general after that experience, it was just I knew I liked him. It wasn't like I saw guys at this party and I was like, "YES. GUYS. THEY'RE SO HOT." No. I just saw Kenny and he was really cool and I just liked him. So, I guess that was my first gay experience. So, yeah. That was pretty cool.

So, Minhosnoona asked me "what kind of books do you read?"

I do like reading.My first language isn't English, so my favorite Japanese writer is Yukio Mishima. he is literally just my hero. I adore him. He was a rumored homoual and his writing is flawless. Honestly, his poems and novels about mortality and homouality are just beautiful and they make me literally cry. So, read his books! I love Mishima so much that really my writing is largely based off of his style. But, for american writers, I like Ray Bradbury. He wrote farenheit 451 which is a gorgeous little novel. I love it. I just really like more modern books with very artistic and deep meanings.

Remilovesyou asked what I thought of people having "one of a kind" names?

I absolutely love it. I love meeting someone and then saying something like "analise" because names like Marcus are boring. I really understand how people feel when they feel frustrated by having an odd name becuase Marcus isn't even my real name. My real name is Makasu. But, no one even calls me that, my friends call me Nori or Marcus, which is my american name, and then my family calls me saru. So, I understand how frustrating it is that you feel like no one knows your name and no one cares enough to learn it. But, I kind of like it that way because when someone does call me by my actual name, I just feel so happy. I know they were want to get to know me and they really care. Don't worry. One day you'll meet someone and it'll just be wonderful everytime they call you by your name.

charlottelimm asked "what movies do you currently like?"

So, before someone asked what was my favorite movie, but honestly I like a lot of movies. Like, me and Kenny have netflix marathons where we watch so much. I've never really been into romance films, but I've started watch movies but they're all sad and I hate them. But I love them. UGH. I watched an american gay film and it was honestly horrible and I hated it. And I watch a lot of kung fu movies because my dad likes them. War of Arrows and Little Big Soldier are good kung fu movies! So, yeah, I really just like everything but straight up romance movies. YEEEEAAAHHH~~.

shiningangelmel asked what is the weirdest dare you have ever done?

I have never done a weird dare, but I did some pretty gross ones. One time I was dared to eat raw eggs and I did it and I threw up when I got home. One time I was dared to eat a thing of wasabi. I did it and my tongue hurt. But that's it really... how lame...

rachanasapre asked me what my pet peeve was?

She asked in passing, but I COUNT IT NONETHELESS. Okay. Guise. my pet peeve is judgemental people. I hate it. So. Much. Like, you guys know how sometimes there's really close-minded people that are like "You're gay. I hate you." I really don't like that. But what I also hate is when people say "You're gay. I love you." Do you see how there is no difference? It bothers me that people are my friend BECAUSE I LIKE MEN. I LOVE when people are supportive of me. But there's a difference between supporting my choices and being biased and only supporting me because you are a fan. I hate when people are my "friend" because of my race. Like, I understand you like anime and mangas and you think Japanese guys are so hot. But, that's unfair to me. I'm not your firend because your white or black or chinese. I'm your friend because of your personality and who you are not what you are. I am a human. You are a human. That's just it.
So, just thought I should rant about that for a minute.

Shiningangelmel also asked me "Who would you want to be for a day and why?"

I really want to be anyone else. Because I think it would be cool to just know how someone else lives. But, if I had to specifically choose I would be like.... I dunno. This is hard. I think I would be Jonghyun. Becuase then I could just be with Onew for a day and I could probably commence the cuddles and everyone knows I love the cuddles.

So, I got asked one more question and the person will be nameless! it is a kind of advice question! So, I'm going to summarize this but they asked me, "Have you ever missed someone you were really close with, but then you were strangers because that person was jealous of you being firends with someone else?"

I think if I tell you guys this, you will probably think badly of me. But, it's important to tell the truth. I know how you feel.  I always mention this person in passing, but I guess I can just tell you the whole story, okay? So, as you know, I dated a guy named Baehyo for two years before I started dating Kenny. Bae was really great and he was my best friend. But, he worked a lot and I was just always home by myself. So, I would spend a lot of time with Kenny. We were just friends though and me and Kenny had known eachother for like years. But, it made Bae really mad. He actually cheated on me. I don't think he cheated on me because of Kenny. But, nonetheless, he did. After I found out, it was like this wonderful person I just absolutely adored really just treated me like absolute trash. Like, wow. That was so horrible. Just thinking about it makes me cry. He was my best friend. He cheated on me with more than one person too. Even though he did that to me I still love him so much. I really miss him. I don't miss having him as my boyfriend. I love Kenny. Don't think other wise. But, even though I have Kenny and I know Kenny loves me and I love him, I just want to talk to Bae. He meant so much to me that I don't want to waste all of the things we went through together. Like, he was my first long term boyfriend and we lived together and we came out to our parents together and he was my first everything. Like, not my first kiss, but substantial things. I did all the scary things with him. To lose someone like that is really heart breaking. It's hard to imagine someone like that hurting you. It's hard to think the person that learned Japanese for me and used to make me breakfast and gave me a place to live when my parents kicked me out could so easily treat me like I was nothing to them. I know how you feel, where you just want to hate them so much, but you can't becuase you care about them. I don't talk to Bae anymore mostly because I don't get the chance to. But in your case, it seems that you have that oppurtunity. I think you should try with all your might to talk to this person and tell them how you feel because you could be regretful if you don't. If you care about someone, you should let them know. 

SOOOOOOOO~~~~~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~~~~. That's all the questions. BOOM. POW. DONE.

I told you guys I would answer them! Omg, this AN is going to be so long... wow.... Anwayy~~ I have a few things to say:

One: Thank you for all subscribing! it means a lot to me! And, I can happily say I have reached 80 subscribers! So, thank you Alliekat_6 for being my 80th subscriber!

Two: I read your answers to "What is your ideal type?" and just as I feared.... no one liked the same type of guy as me... noooo onnneee. Not even one person. In fact, someone said they DIDN'T like the one thing I look for in a guy. Everyone said someone like my bias or someone that's taller or funny or knows when to joke around. Yeah, those things are wonderful, but you guys, I am just really sad no one has this . I really like guys with piercings and tattoos that smoke cigarettes. I thought SOMEONE would like bad boys, but no one did. wow...  I think it just so attractive and when Kenny wakes up in the morning and he sits and just like smokes a cigarette and he's not wearing a shirt and I can see his tattoos. UNF. DEAD.

Like... How can you not.... guys,.... aren't like bad boys just wonderful?! REALLY?!?! AREN'T THEY? no one likes tattoos. Someone even said they hate it when guys smoke. My boyfriend smokes! I love it when he smokes! Like, when I hug him and he just smells like coffee and smoke, UGH. I was so sad. You guyysssssssssssss. WWAAAAHHHHH.

Well.... I guess I'll get over it or something... I dunno. wah.

But, this updates question issssssss

What is your favorite childhood memory?

Let's get personal guys~. I think it's really nice to remember things that made us happy in the past~. SOOOOO.

Leave your answers and questions for me in the comments~. Thank you for readinggg. I love you bbyyyyy,♥♥♥♥

u r a q t.

i like you

you smell good.

marry me

have a good day

smile a lot

be happy

okay

bai

latahhhhh

ps. can someone please just teach me how to end my AN without having this long list of awkward..... k thnks bai.