“Do you like your food, Jinki?”

I hummed in response to my mom’s question. I just stared at my food. My father and mother talked of work and things. I didn’t care much to join in on this conversation.

I kept looking at them. My mother, my father; both of them are laughing and eating and I feel like I don’t belong in the picture. The candle light from the assorted candles lit on the restaurant table is making their faces glow. When my mother smiles, she looks younger. Those heavy creases in her eyes lifting up and the wrinkles smooth out. People just look so much better when they’re happy. My father’s laugh rumbles out of his chest. He looks less tired now. He looks like he’s actually alive. It makes him seem so much brighter.

I can’t help but smile a bit, not enough to show my teeth, but just a small smile. I like it when they’re happy. But then, I get this dark feeling in my gut. I want to yell at them. I feel angry at them just for being so happy. It’s not fair. They won’t even let me be happy. They don’t believe me when I tell them I’m happy. They’re so lucky. A man and women, they can easily fall in love. Yeah, I guess social class and age can cause some difficulties, but people on the street, people that don’t know who they are, they won’t judge a man and women holding hands. They won’t care.

If I walked down the street, hand-in-hand with Jonghyun, ugly words, disgusted looks, I could already feel them collecting on my skin. I shivered. But what is worse? Even my own parents, at the mention of Jonghyun’s name would cringe. They would sneer and crunch up their noses like they smelt something rotten. I think the worst thing isn’t the strangers jeering up at me. At the end of the day, it’s the people that are closest to you that judge you most.

“Jinki, are you not feeling well again?” my mother used that worried voice. I realized then that I hadn’t spoken yet since we entered the restaurant. I cleared my throat, unsure that my voice would even work. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t trust myself. There were so many things I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I wanted to just tell them how I felt.

I wanted them to know that they were hurting me. I wanted them to know that some times during the night, I cry because I think they hate me. Some times at night I can’t sleep because I just want to be with Jonghyun but it feels impossible. Some times at night I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or what to do. Some times at night I get scared of the dark and that’s when I really need someone. But my parents were never there. That’s when I felt most alone.

“I’m okay…” I mumbled. My mother knew that I was lying and I wasn’t happy. But, just patted my hand and gave me that plastic smile that looked like it was falling apart. My father sighed. It sounded more of a vacant howl sound being pushed out of my lungs.

Sometimes deep in my bones, I feel myself shaking. It feels like tremors going through my body. It feels like a trembling, a shaking, almost of fear, but mostly because of the unknown. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Previously, it was so easy to say “I’m Jinki.” Or “I’m Onew.” But now, I felt like I was something different. I felt like I had to find a new name, a new life even. I didn’t feel different, no, I still felt that same as before. But everyone was treating me different. That’s what made me want to change my own name.

With sudden urgency, I decided to speak.

“I’m not gay.” It was a mumble, a whisper pressed against my lips in mock triumph.

“What?” my father said, his voice alert, alarmed even at my stark declaration.

“I’m not gay,” it was the first thing I said with certainty since I told Jonghyun I loved him.

My mother was silent, not looking at me or my father. My father a bit speechless, momentarily confused, but than a picture of smug joy was painted across his face.

“That’s all you needed, wasn’t it? Just a bit of time,” he said as if he knew what I was saying at all.

He didn’t understand though. He didn’t know what I meant. But, that was okay. I could explain after all.

“I still like a boy. I’m just not gay,” my father sputtered, a look of ominous confusion coating his face.

“What?” his voice was raspy, unfocused. My mother looked at me now. Her looks wasn’t looming or rude. It wasn’t even upset, just curious. Her eyebrows were knitted together and her eyes widened. She looked much like a deer in headlights, and a deer never looked angry at the cars that hit them.

I directed my words to my father more than her; I would address her later I decided. “You told me that gay was a heavy word, a kind of word that puts weights on your shoulders. Well, I don’t carry any weight. If being gay makes you sad and makes your life bad, then I’m not gay. I’m happy. I really like him. I know I do. You’ve never doubted me before, so I don’t understand why you don’t believe me now.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” his voice raised in volumes. I knew he was concerned for me. I couldn’t be upset with him, could I?

“But I do. You’ve never gone through this, so how can you say I’m wrong? I don’t want things to be this way. I don’t want things to be this hard. But, this is how things are. I know what I’m saying. I don’t even like my own words, but that doesn’t make them lies.” My throat was closing up. I was getting scared. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to have to say this. My mother was again silent. But her eyes were less round with curiosity and becoming droopy with a look of sad tiredness.

“You’re so young, how can you know what you like or who you even like? You don’t even know how to drive a car! Why are you making everything so difficult?!” he was sounding just as tired as my mother looked. My throat felt dry and my eyes felt wetter than they usually were. I felt really cold in this moment.

“How can I ever know if I don’t try? Can’t I just try? Is that so bad? Liking someone is that bad? I don’t want this to be difficult. But it’s worth it. He’s worth it. I just… I don’t know. I’m just Jinki. That’s all I want. Please just let me… let me just try.” Everything was silent then. My words hung in the air, dangling by the thinnest of threads. I felt as if my life, my hopes, they were dangling up their next to them, just waiting to either be cut down or held in loving hands.

In that silence, for the first time since I had opened my mouth, my mother spoke.

“He’s right.” My father and my head snapped towards her, shock written on his face and a bit of hope smeared on mine. She looked at me then, no smile, no judgment, no anger. Blank. Her face was blank.

“Even if you…. Do this. You’re Jinki. You’re our son aren’t you? To us, you will always be Jinki. But, to everyone else, who will you be? Even if you don’t give yourself a title, people like sticking labels to everyone else. We categorize people like animals. Even if we accept you, who else will? Are you ready for that Jinki? A commitment to such a bad word when you’re so young? You’re only a boy. Why do you want to make things hard for you so fast? Just be a little boy still, please. Little boys don’t even like little girls, much less other little boys. I don’t like seeing you unhappy, and this will only hurt you.” She was crying now. Big fat tears in her eyes. People at the restaurant were looking at our table. Some were looking in curiosity, others in scorn. I didn’t care though. It was a feeling I was used to.

“I know it won’t be an easy thing. I know it’s going to be hard and it will make me sad and cry. But, it’s worth it. I don’t want to worry you. I don’t. I’m sorry…” that’s when I cried. My vision was blurred by stinging tears. “I promise it’s worth it. I promise. I’m scared, umma.”

She held my hand. That was the first time in my life that I told her how I felt. Not like those cliché answers of “fine”, “okay”, and “tired” that I normally gave, this was a really true description of how I felt. I never told her I was sad or scared or hurt in any way. I felt exposed, , torn into bits and spewed across the table for her to see. And after all that, she found my hand and held it in her own. For some reason, that made me cry more.

My father sat, when I grew the courage to look at him, his own eyes were even tinged a bit red at the edges. I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my shirt sleeve.

“Don’t do that, Jinki, use a napkin,” my mother mumbled, searching for a crumpled napkin from the table. I couldn’t help but smile. My dad chuckled a bit. Even when moments like this were happening, my mother found a way to smother me and nag.

My father looked around and made a disturbed face at the spectators watching us. He stood up.

“let’s go home,” he said while motioning us to follow him. We walked together, my mother’s arm linked with my own. My father patted my head when we walked out to the parking lot. I felt warm, tingly and safe.

I wasn’t naïve. I was well aware that things don’t change over-night. Tomorrow morning, life won’t just change. My parents won’t welcome Jonghyun to our house with open arms and let us be together all the time. I’ll be lucky if I get to see him outside of school and my late-night trips to his house. But, this was a step, a wobbly-legged toddler step, towards where I wanted to be.

And I always heard that the first step is the beginning of a journey.

(A/N):

Hi guys. I'm sorry I haven't updated for awhile. I know it probably doesn't even seem sincere, but I'm so sorry. I feel really bad about it but I have honestly been avoiding this update. I didn't want to write it because I knew I would just cry and be upset and UGH IT WAS SO SAD. But it ended a bit better, didn't it? Not so dreary and sad?

I don't like complaining to you guys. If anything, I like it better when you tell me about your problems and let me make you feel better. Seeing as I have once before thrown my issues towards you, I refuse to do so again. Just, I have to sadly report that I am currently single. Because of the end of my relationship, I am sadly unable to answer those last questions that you sent in. I have a few that he answered previously that I will post next update but honestly I don't even want to look or think about anything that has to do with that relationship at all. So, please bear with me and I will get that to you as soon as possible. I'm really sorry, guys. I've really been slacking. I haven't even answered messages or wall posts or questions in forever. I'm really just so behind. I'm so sorry.

I will update soon this time. No more breaks or lack of responses. I'm so sorry. I'll update in the next 3 days with all the answered questions on my part and what few answers I have from the final questions asked. And please expect responses to messages and wall posts soon as well. Thank you so much for your continued support even when I'm a junky author. I really love you and I'm really thanful for you. You mean a lot to me and you guys really do make me feel better and smile and stuff and I feel like I abandoned you and I'm not repaying you for all you do for me.  I'm really sorry. I'll do better, I promise, okay?

So, now it's time to ask you a question, isn't it?

So, my lovely bundles of joy and happiness, I want to know

What was the highlight of your week?

What was something that just made you really happy this week? I think it's good to look at what makes us happy and appreciate those moments.

So, leave your answers to me in a comment and ask me qestions if you want. I really will answer them.

also if you have a tumblr, give me your tumblr url because I need to follow more people. I'm only following like 16 or something and I need MOORREEEEE.

Anyway, Thank you so much and have a great week.

I love you.

Thank you

so

so

so

much

for being

perfect

and

cute

and

beautiful

and

funny

and

stunning

okay

I really love you.

I'm really sorry too.

okay

really

now,

okay baiiiii~.