“umma…”

My voice was as soft as feathers floating down in the air, landing on her ears. She didn’t look up from her cleaning. She continued to scrub the dishes as if I wasn’t there. I swallowed thickly hoping to get rid of the knot in my throat. It just got tighter.

“Umma,” my voice shook. My calling was louder, but it wavered and quivered now.

“Yes, Jinki?” she asked, her scrubbing continued, but she scrubbed much harder than she needed to. I watched the steam from the water as it poured out of the faucet. Then I looked down at the dishwasher next to our sink. My mom always washed dishes when she was upset.

“I’m sorry,” my voiced cracked again. Her scrubbing slowed for a second, but then it went again at its ferocious pace.

“Why?” her voice sounded so shrill. I’m so used to that calm, loving voice cooing in my ear that for a second I didn’t think this to be the same women.

“What do you mean?” I was taken aback by the question.

“Why are you doing this?” She spat it out.

“What did you want me to say?” I shifted my weight back and forth between my feet. I watched as she scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.

“I want you to say why you doing something horrible! Are you mad at us, Jinki? Are you trying to be rebellious!? What are you trying to prove? Are you… doing this because I yelled at you?” her scrubbing slowed. Her hands stilled, but the steaming water continued to flow. I imagined her thoughts to be much like that water, always going even though she wasn’t.

“Umma… no… I’m not trying to do things just to make you upset… I… like him..” I whispered softly, embarrassed by my own words.

“Don’t say things like that!” she cried out, now turning to face me. Her eyes were red and watery. Her face flushed and her hands were still wet from the dishes.

“You’re too young to know who you like. You’re just a boy. Don’t say foolish things like that!” her voice cried out. She was shaking her head as if that would chase my words away. For a moment I felt like I was the more mature and collected person. But, how could I blame her?

“It’s true,” I said calmly. I was trying to hold my ground. I was trying to be firm.

“No, Jinki. It’s not.” She said again.

She didn’t know though. She didn’t feel what I felt and she didn’t understand. She doesn’t even know how I feel on an everyday basis. She doesn’t know how sad I am or how lonely I used to be. She had no right to tell me how I felt now.

“I like him,” I insisted again. She shook her head.

“I’m gay,” I told her. Her eyes widened at my blunt statement.

“No you’re not,” she said angrily.

“Yes, I am. I’m gay, umma,” my voice was growing stronger.

“Stop saying that, Jinki,” her voice was getting just as angry, just as strong. In defiance I pushed it farther.

“I love boys and I’m gay,” I repeated. Her face grew red with anger.

“I said stop saying that Jinki!” She yelled at me. I yelled back.

“Stop saying I’m wrong! I told you I like a boy. I’m gay!” I yelled at her.

Then I felt her hand on my face. I had never raised my voice at my mother before. I had never argued with her or questioned her. I had always been obedient and quiet. I had always done as I was told and got good grades. My mom had never slapped me before. She never had to. She always praised me and gave me kisses.

I cupped my now red faced. It felt hot when he hand had slapped me. I didn’t cry. But my eyes watered a bit from the sting of it. When I looked at her again, she was crying. Her hand was floating in the air, still hung up from when she raised it to slap me.

This was the first time I had seen my mother cry. And it was because of me. I didn’t know how to feel.

“That’s what it means, doesn’t it? If you like boys, then you’re gay. Why does It make you so upset?” I whispered.

She didn’t speak. But, I could hear her crying.

“I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t break any rules, right? So, why are you so mad at me?” She still didn’t answer. For some reason, her silence made tears slowly roll down my cheeks. They rolled right past where she had slapped me. I knew there was a hand print there.

“I didn’t change. I’m still Jinki….” I whispered, my voice fading, “I promise I’m still Jinki…”

“What will people say?” she asked, her voice turned ugly by her tears. I shook my head.

“The same things they always did. But, it’s only going to matter to you,” my voice cracked. I breathed deeply and looked at her, I knew my look was probably cold, but I didn’t care.

“I’m going to my room,” I said evenly. Then I my heel. I walked to my room in silence. I heard no noises come for the kitchen. When I reached the darkness of my room, I let out a shakey breath. I locked my door and lay in my bed. I wrapped myself in my blankets. I’m not sure if I cried for five minutes or five hours. I just know that after a while, it was dark outside. Pitch black to be exact.

I uncurled from my cocoon slowly. When I was untangled from the mess that was my bed, I looked out my window silently.

The moon was round and bright. The stars could be seen tonight. It was a pretty sight, but I wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it.

If I wanted, I could go to a whole new city where no one knew me and leave happily with Jonghyun without anyone judging me, I reassured myself. But then I wondered, could I leave anyone I know so easily? Could I really be happy with just one person? I would have to leave my mom and my dad. I would have to leave my bed and books and my cds. I would have to leave my manga collection and my favorite shirts and shoes. I would have to start over and lose the few things I liked just to have one person. But, Jonghyun just seemed worth it. He seemed worth more than all those things.

The thought of his smile and his laugh, they were comforting. I imagined his warm arms around my waist and his rough hand holding mine. I thought of how his lips felt against my own and the exciting, nervous rush I always felt when we kissed. Then I blushed at the thought.

How could thoughts like these be so bad? How could be comforted by someone else be so wrong? Because, really, if Jonghyun was a girl, he would still be…. Jonghyun and I would still like him. So, why are people so disgusted by me? And if it doesn’t matter what people look like, then why does our gender matter?

The more I think about it, the more answers come up than answers. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

I don’t want to be that type of guy, I don’t want to give up when things get hard and run away scared. I liked him. I really liked him. I can’t just go. Not now. I am better than that. Plus, I needed him. To some extent, Jonghyun is what I needed. His touches and smiles and laughs, I needed those. I needed to see his eyes crinkle up and his lopsided smile that annoyed me. I need him to tease me and make me annoyed at him for his childish. Even though I pretended to indifferent, I cared. I wanted to be with him because I loved him. And I loved him because he made me feel something, sometimes annoyed and sometimes nervous and sometimes scared, but that was better than the blankness before. I wanted him to feel this too.

I sighed again. Maybe I was crazy. I bit my lip.

I wondered what Jonghyun would say if he was here right now. He’d probably tell me how much he likes me or something cheesey like “You’re more beautiful than the stars!” I laughed quietly. That’s definitely something he would say. I kind of wish he was here so he could say that.

I wondered what he was doing. Maybe he was pacing his room or watching a movie or reading a book or sleeping or laughing about something someone else told him or smiling that lopsided grin or smirking like he sometimes. Or maybe he was thinking of me…. Like I was thinking of him. It was a comforting thought. I could imagine him sitting in his room smiling as he thought of me. Maybe that was vain, but, it’s only wishful thinking afterall.

Things could still be okay.

Things might be hard, but things can still be okay.

(A/N):

Okay. So a couple people like sent me messages asking me what I looked like and then a couple people (cough cough Hithere cough sneeze blows nose cough) said that they think I look like a cliche UKE IN . Then mydububu_mynamstar said they saw someone and thought of that's probably what nori looks like. so. I will now be unveiling my face for the first time. You have been warned.

Are you ready?

It ain't gonna be pretty...

be prepared..

are you prepared...

Are you sure?

Okay. Here it comes.

So. That's me. Am I cute?

It's a pretty accurate self portrait. I mean... look how sparkly I am.

I decided I would even throw in a picture of me and Kenny together if it would make you guys happy. You wanna see it?

So. that's us. We're a pretty cute couple, not trying to brag or anything~.

actually when I showed Kenny my drawing he started laugh because one of his eyes look like an anime eye and the other looks like he's twitching. Then he laughed because my middle finger on my left hand is like a little circle. And my legs are two different sizes. He just doesn't understand ART.

Do you know what today is. Do you know. Can you comprehend it. UGHHHGHUGUUGHGUHUGUGUUGUGUGUUGUHGUUHGUGUHGH.

If it is the 14th of December when you read this, then It's my bby boo beautiful god of all things wonderful adorable cute and handsome gorgeous little piece of my heart Onew's birthday.

Let's take a time to appreciate him in his entirety.

Oh my gawssshhhh he is perfect.

When ever his birthday comes around I never know what to do. I just. To express my feelings, please look at the following gif:

I hope you understand. So, I am making him a birthday cake and I'm going to give it to my shrine of Onew. Just kidding. I'm just going to let Kenny eat it because I hate cake. Anyway.

I'll just answer questions now.... please excuse my... self... me... just wtf.

Okay. SO.

my bby Sonwolforlife asked me "Have you ever thought of adopting a child with Kenny and could you live a day without electronics (phone, sms, tv, computer ect)?"

So, in regaurds of adpoting a child, I think that I personally want to adopt a child one day. And, I think Kenny really likes kids and he's so good with goods too! I'm kind of awkward with children and kind of nervous to hold them, but then Kenny is like swinging them around and throwing them in the air. Which sounds horrible.... but... it's not like that....We've never talked about adopting kids together or when we want to, but we've both kind of said stuff like "when we're settled..." and "when we have our family.." and we both just kind of know that includes eventually children.

I don't think I can live without technology... our internet was down for a day this week so i went on paint and drew pictures for like 3 hours. Then I played solitaire. and then I was going to go for a walk, but I didn't and I just drew more pictures. And. I didn't even think of drawing actual pictures on a piece of paper until right now. But, I think if someone took my laptop away and I had my books from my parent's house, I probably could do it. Probably. Maybe. It could happen.
PS YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT IF MY UNDYING LOVE AND GRATITUDE THAT I KNITTED INTO A SWEATER. PLS WEAR IT ALTHOUGH IT IS INVISIBLE. I LOVE YOU BBYYYYY.♥

my bby SJiaSHINeeJing asked me "what affects you most? Like is there things that could send you into a rage no matter who did it?

There's only one thing that make me really mad. It's when someone makes fun of someone care about. Like, if someone says something mean about like my parents I get annoyed. If someone says something about Kenny I get really really mad. Even if he says it himself. Like sometimes he'll say stuff like "I look really bad today" or "I've gained too much weight I need to work out." and I just get really mad at him. I yell at him and tell him to shut up. Which I guess is kind of weird. But, it makes me really frustrated. I HATE IT when people tell me stuff about how bad kpop is. I hate it so much I can just scream. Or when they say stuffa bout Jongyu. I love kpop and Jongyu and my family and Kenny and you guys and it makes me mad when people say bad things about that stuff. It makes me very angry.
PS I THINK YOUR PARTY PASsEDDDD. Was it fun? Did you eat good food? I hoped you smiled often! Study your korean well! I LOVE YOU BBY XOXO.

my bbyyyyy rachanasapre asked me "what would you do if Onew asked you to marry him? How would you react?"

...........

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep at simply the THOUGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ANGEL FROM HEAVEN DESCENDING TO ASK ME TO MARRY HIM WITH FLOWER PETALS FALLING FROM THE SKY AND DOVES FLYING AROUND US AND THEN WE'D FLOAT INTO THE SKY AND SLIDE DOWN A RAINBOW AND GET MARRIED AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER but then I wake up from my dream and cuddle with Kenny as I softly cry and use kenny's shirt to blow my nose boohoohoooooo~.
PS I WILL GET YOU A THOUSAND ROSES BECAUSE YOUA RE PERFECT I LOVE YOU BBY.

bby Charlottelimm and my bby SuperJuniorsELF asked me what I wanted for Christmas

I think I would just really liked if I could just go to Japan with my family. Um, my Sister and dad and mother are going to Japan this week to see my relatives for Christmas and I really want to see them too and eat good Miso soup like we do every year. And I want to buy my friends presents and go shopping with my cousins and eat mochi and I want to go to tokyo and buy face masks for my skin and just spend time with my grandparents and hear people speaking japanese and I can just wear my face mask without feeling weird and just be happy pls. thnx.
PS I LOVE YOU YOU ARE CUTE AND GORGEOUS AND FUNNY AND SWEET SMILE A LOT I OVE YOU XOXO

my bby remilovesyou asked me "I didn't go to college right after college to take care of my mom. A lot of people told me I should have gone. What do you think?"

Bby, it doesn't matter what I think. What do you think? This is your life, right? So, live how ever you choose. It's fine if you don't go to college straight away. You don't have to. It's your descion because it's your life. You can go to college next year or the year after that. Actually, you enver have to go if you don't want to. Do what you want and what makes you happy. Don't do things because you are obligated to or told to. You're your own beautiful, wonderful, smart, and charming person. Do what you want and don't worry what I or anyone else thinks. Be proud of your choices. I love you bby.
STAY FANTASTIC BBY.

my bby tomogachi17 asked me "if you could dance, what would be the first song you covered?"

I think i would want to learn lucifer like you because it seems so hard and cool. It would be really cool to be able to show off like that. BUUUTTT< I think I would learn Replay first because that song just holds a special little place in my heart.♥
OMG WE ARE KISSMES TOGETHER!~~~ YOUA RE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU JUST MAKE MY HEART SING SONGS AND I WANT TO HUG YOU CAN I PLS OKAY I LOVE YOU THNX 

my bby shiningangelmel asked me "besides jongyu what other couple do you like and why?"

I only ship 4 couples from my favorite 4 bands.

I ship Soohoon because I like appa/umma couples and they're both just so adorable.

I ship yadong from Infinite because I love Dongwoo and Hoya and they're just so... awkward and weird and loud and UGH.

AND I ship Taoris because I like relationships where one person is kind of cold and then they only like one person and it's so perf and they are so perf sttaahhppppppppp.

And then I love Jongyu. Duh. I mean... I... you know that... you should know MY PASSION FOR THEM BY NOOWWWWWW.
PS YOU GOT AN IPHONE5? WOOOAAAHHHHHH. that's pretty high tech! OMG. STAY BEAUTIFUL XXOXOXOXOXO I LOVE YOU.

So my bby thatswhatyousaid decided to ask me another awkward question which is completely okay because I LOVE HER AND WILL ANSWER ANYTHING IF IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY EVEN FOR ONE SECOND YOU ANGEL. But the question was "How did your parents react when they found out that you and kenny were in a relationship and did you tell them at all?"

I told my parents but it's a pretty long story. I broke up with bae and then my parents left to Japan for the summer. I was sick so I stayed with Kenny. Stuff happened, we went out and broke up ON MY BIRTHDAY JUST TO LET YOU KNOW HE BROKE UP WITH MY ON MY BIRTHDAY. But  My parents came home and I lived with them again. Kenny and I were kind of talking again about going out again and just hanging out and seeing eachother soon. My mom ended up getting really mad at me for something and yelling at me and like just I don't know. I called Kenny because I was literally stuck in my room while my mother yelled at me through the door it was horrible. So, Kenny has been my friend since I was in high school. So my mom knew who he was when he came to my house. My mom always really liked Kenny because he's really charming and just friendly I guess. So, Kenny literally told my mother that he was going to take me to live with him becuase she was being unreasonable and that it would just be easier for everyone. My mom was pissed and like yelled at him and he just walked into my room and told me to pack my stuff and I ended up staying the night at his house. I had to come home because I can't just leave. THat would be ridiculous. So, we went back to my house and talked to my dad and now I live with Kenny and we didn't start dating until maybe a month after I moved in with him. My dad made an offer for me to go home maybe a few weeks ago as long as I didn't do "anything disrespectful to my family." And I asked him if I could date someone if I went home and he said that would be disgraceful and that it would be easier if I just didn't do dumb things like that. So, I told him I was with Kenny and he told me not to come home or call my mom or him unless I decided to change. I don't think he ever told my mom. But, their reaction wasn't really what I wanted, but it was what I was expecting anyway. So, I'm happyily here with my boyfriend shamelessly. I DUN CARE OKAI.

PS YOU ARE KAWAII OK THNX. ASK ME ANYTHING BECAUSE I LOVE YOU YOU PERFECT LITTLE FLUFFY BALL OF HAPPINESS IN MY HEART XOXOXO MWAH MWAH I LOVE YOU

my bby ontaesupporter asked me "do you drink coffee before you type your A/N? And are you this hyper in real life?"

WELL. I drink coffee all day. So. I suppose half the time I do drink coffee before and while I type my A/N. But, not all the time... Maybe you can tell when i am and when I'm not? I just really like coffee. ;A; It's my bbyyyyyy.♥ But, I am not physically hyper... Like I don't like run around and bounce off the walls or whatever. But... I'm really loud. I make a lot of weird noises and talk to myself and say weird stuff and I wake ugly faces and hand motions and Kenny says I look ugly when I talk because of it, LOLLLLLL. I just get excited and just make these little hyper claws and I just can't describe it. I'm just... I just like moving but I'm lazy at the same time....
PS OMG MANDARIN BUDDIES? I THINK YES. OK. I LOVE YOU.

my bby hithere asked me "what do you think of infinite? Have you ever watched the youtuber gongack and what's your favorite shinee song and Mv? And what do you want for christmas (hugs and kisses for kenny?)"

I love Infinite! I just love them so much pls world save me from this diaster that is my life omg pls i love dongwoo and hoya makes a small fanboy tear slide down my cheek and woohyun is cute and sungyu's little eyes are just so kawaii and sungjong pls teach me how to be beautiful myungsoo... you are wonderful pls sungyeol hug me close pls omg shoot me infinite stahppp my feellssss.
So, I think they're cool, how bout you?

I have never watched gongack, but I will and tell you opinion very soon! If you even care for my opinion.....

OMG. HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE? STAHHHPPPPP. /dies
if i HAD to choose... my favorite MV would be lucifer? probably...? My favorite song is jojo.... maybe... it's YOU? or maybe it's hana or like Obsession or.... STOP PLAYING THESE MIND GAMES WITH MEE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ew. kisses from Kenny? HIS LIPS ARE TAINTED WITH COOTIES DO YOU WANT ME TO CATCH THAT!?! HUGS!?! DIDN'T YOU SEE HIS BIG GRABBY MAN ARMS!?! DO YOU WANT ME TO GET ENTANGLED IN THAT!??!?!?! /cries
PS DON'T YOU EVER CRY YOU ARE PERFECT AND I LOVE YOU. YOu are wonderfully and gorgeous and you make me smile. Be happy~. I love you~

my bby fanabisenu asked me "what would you consider your style? (clothing wise!)"

My style is very... plain I suppose? I like neutral colors. Like tan and black and white and gray. I think it's hard for me to wear bright colors because I'm really pale and yellow and it makes me look kind of.... weird... So, I just wear like sweaters and v-necks. But, lately I've been wearing Kenny's shirts and then wearing like those front button up sweaters on top because its cold. I think it looks nice. I like ties too but I don't really wear them because they make me look short. But, I really like rings and watches. I only wear skinny jeans too! Because I don't like other pants and shorts because I have weird knees. So, my style is... classy. Classy style is important!
PS CALL MY MAKASU ALL YOU WANT YOU BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF PERFECTION I LOVE YOU XOXOXOXOXO AND I WILL GIVE YOU CUDDLES FOREVER I LOVE YOU CUDDLES.

my bby mydubu_mynamstar asked me  "What is your favorite shinee song?"

And I would just like to say welcome back bby I missed you xoxoxo I love you and I hope you feel better! so, I kind of thought you were going with more of a Japanese Shinee song so I will answer with a Japanese shinee song. So. I was really excited to hear shinee's japanese songs but honestly they make me laugh because their japanese is just... OMGGGG AAHHHHHHHH. It just sends me into fanboy frenzysssss. But my favorite is Lucifer because Minho's rap is too much for my heart and onew is just so cute and he makes my kokoro go tokio doki desuuuuuu. 
Feel better bby girl, stay strong~ I love you~~

so my bby daeLITe gave me a question and a bit of a request I will discuss in a moment. But, her wonderful little question was "what was your first kiss like?"

so, I don't really count my "first" kiss because when I had it I was at my first party, drinking for the first time. SO, I think because of those circumstances I don't think it should count because I wasn't really aware of it. But, my first kisses were with Kenny. My first kiss I actually remember was at Kenny's house after we played video games together because we both like games. We weren't dating yet. but, he kissed me when i wasn't expecting it and it was actually pretty nice and kind of cute. I reall liked him. But I got really embarrassed and I told him it was gross and I told him his lips were chapped and he shouldn't his lips so much because it was gross. (I was a really mean kid.) But, he started laughing. Then we ate totino's party pizzas. So, that was my first real kiss that I remember well. I think it's important to have your first kiss with someone you like. So, I think I'm happy I didn't have my first kiss when I was like 15 or 14 or something. It's nicer to wait for someone kind. and someone who hasn't kissed many people either.
PS OH AND I LIKE BIG BANG TOO I MEAN DO NOT EVEN WORRY BUT SHINEE DOE. SHINEE DOOEEEE. I LOVE YOU YOU'RE CUTE AND I LOVE HOW AWKWARD YOU ARE AND FUNNY AND SWEET AND YOU AWLWAYS SAY SO MANY NICE THINGS LEMME HUG YOU.

But, daeLITE requested I suppose for me just to answer my questions I ask you guys. I think it would be a good idea because it's kind of unfair to ask you guys sonething and not answer it myself, right? So, tell me what you think? Would you even want to know. Some of the questions I'm going to ask you guys I have already answered so i think I will literally just say like "answered in ch. 9" or whatever for those. But, other than that, i will answer them. So. I think that was a good suggestion!

OKAY. So that was all the questions! I hope you guys have a wonderful week and a wonderful day and smile a lot!
I read your answers and a lot of people didn't know what they wanted for christmas! Also, a lot of people don't celebrate christmas! So, I was kind of wondering what you do celebrate or what you do for the christmas season I guess if that isn't a awkward question? HOWEVER THIS UPDATES QUESTION IS~

What is your talent?

Everyone has one and I would be happy to know your's! it's nice to know what your friends are good at!

So.

you're cute.

stay fresh.

stay clean.

stay classy.

have a good day.

a good week.

smile.

laugh.

eat good food.

eat fried chicken.

i love you

stay gorgeous 

baiii

latahhhh.

PS what do you guys think of tastefully written that isn't really creepy and like dirty? I dunno... it could happen... I JUST DON'T KNOW.