This is perfection. The moment when our lips hovered in fear, so close we could feel each other’s breath, that moment was perfect. You could feel the tension, the longing, the wanting, the yearning, in the air. It was a moment so still and sweet that neither of us wanted to either embrace the other’s lips or pull away. We just stayed in stillness before our lips clashed together in sweet rejoice.

That was absolutely perfect.

If I could freeze my life and live in one moment forever, it would be then. That way, I would never be able to forget any of this. I’m scared of forgetting you. I’m scared to forget how warm your hands are and how sweet your lips taste. I’m scared to forget your laugh and the way you snort. I’m scared that one day I’ll meet someone else and forget all about you and everything you meant to me that would mean I would hurt, wouldn’t it?

But what’s worse, is if you were to forget about me. If I became not more than a boy you knew. Or worse, what if I become just a picture in your year book that you look at later with your new lover? What if he sees my picture and asks “who’s that?” and you just say “I don’t know, some guy in my math class.” What if I turn into absolutely to you?

Then what can I do but smile and shrug while you love someone else?

I don’t want to be alone. Rather, I don’t want to be without you.

I spread kisses across his face; they peppered his skin.  I kissed the smile on his lips. I held his warm form in my arms. That was contentment.

That was peace. I have never felt an emotion like this. It was like drinking water after years in the dessert, wandering through the heat and sand and wondering if you were in hell. That's how I felt when he was near me.

He was an oasis that I barely believe can be real, but I cling to that hope the he still lingers in my arm becasue that is the only thing that keeps me sane. Dear god, I hope you are real.

My hands grip onto your shoulders, holding you to me so that you can never leave me. Never go. Never think of leaving me. Even if you want to, whisper that you'll stay right her beside me. Lie to me if you have to. I just want to be sure that you will never go. Even if you plan to leave while I'm sleeping during the night, just lie to me right now.

Jonghyun's home is small.

His room was small. His kitchen was small. His living room was small. But, I couldn't say I didn't enjoy being there. It didn't feel homey. It was a bit bleak. It didn't feel as warm as he did. But, he lived there. So, I stayed.

I sat on his bed with him pressed close to me. We didn't think of school. When we sat like this, it wasn't hard to forget everything around us. We could be in the middle of a street and not notice the cars zooming past us when we were in this state.

"Hyung, do you think we'll get in trouble for skipping school?" he whispered. His hands were warm against my skin. I ahted him for mentioning school and breaking our peace.

"Don't think about that right now," I whispered. He remained silent after that. All I could hear was his breathing. It was comforting.

I had no recognition of time. I was unsure if it had been hours or minutes, but I knew that it still wasn't enough. I needed more time. I needed more of you.

I could see it getting darker outside. I watched the hazy light filter through your blinds, and I hated it for letting time pass so easily. The minutes slipped through my fingers while I desperately tried to grasp it. It was tangible. It fluttered through my grip and laughed in schorn as I tried to cling to Jonghyun as well. Time made things fall apart.

"What time is it?" he asked breaking our silence again. I sighed. I brought out my phone and checked the time. I also conviently noticed the 12 missed calls from my mother. I sat up in shock. I called her back, but she didn't answer. Suddenly, I felt paniced. What if she got hurt and was trying to call me? I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat.

"I have to go," I said hurriedly. I stood abruptly. He reached out and grabbed my wrist. I smiled at his reluctance to let me leave him. But, I couldn't waste time. I gave him a chaste kiss. It still made my stomach swirl in nervousness.

Then, I was suddenly outside. The trees were blurring past me as I all but ran to my house. Jonghyun's house was a ten minute walk from mine. Therefore, it was a bit more than a five minute run. So, I ran. For some reason, the sound of my feet hitting the concrete was comforting.

I slammed the door open. The house was silent. It was dark.

"I'm home?" I called out.

I heard nothing in response. I walked from room to room, looking for someone. When I found no one, I sat on the couch and waited for something. Anything. I waited a good ten minutes until I heard the door open.

"Jinki?" My mom called into the house. She sounded mad.

"Mom?" I was just relieved that she was okay. She was fine. She was home now.

"where were you?" I said with a breath of relief.

"Where was I?!" She said angrily. I had never heard her speaking in that tone before.

"Where were you, Jinki?! I got a call from the school saying you weren't there! I thought you could have been dead! I didn't know where you were! I didn't know what to think!" she had her hands in the air while she paced.

"I'm sorry," I whispered softly.

"Sorry, Jinki? That's all you have to say? Your grades are slipping! You're skipping school and going somewhere without me knowing! What's wrong with you?!"

I've been with Jonghyun I thought.

"Just go to your room!" she spit out at me. I stood. I walked silently into my room.

I had never been yelled at before.

I layed down in my bed, the covers wrapped up around me until I was in a cocoon.

I have never been scared of the dark.

Never have I sat in my room as a child afraid of the darkness around me. I was never afraid for my feet to touch the floor because of the monsters that could be lurking under my bed. I was never a child that needed a night light or the comfort of my father checking my room for the boogie man.

But now, in the depths of the night, I have begun to get afraid. In my mind, it was clearly just a sign of how weak love was making me. I was once so peaceful resting in utter darkness. I was so content with sitting in the depthes of my own sadness. But, now this sickness has made me so weak and forced me into the light. Light once seemed to be the only remedy to this disease I once had called "lonliness" yet now laying in the darkness of my room I have never felt so alone. It's so sad that the thing saving me is a disease in it self.

I hate you for making me weak, Jonghyun. I hate you for making me so scared of everything around me. I hate you for giving me feelings. I hate you so much for changing me. But I love you so much for just being yourself. I love you for letting me love you.

I can't help but wonder, have I changed?

Then I rethink my question.

Is changing really a bad thing?

(A/N): Hello bby, how are you today? You are looking absolutely stunning today.♥

Okay. So. Let me just FREAKING SAY THAT I LOVE YOU.

You are just absolutely preciouussssssss. I got out of the hospital this morning and I am soOOoooOOoOOooOoooo HHAAPPYYYY.

I haven't eaten rice in so long. I miss you rice. AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO TALK TO YOU GUYS THAT MUCH LIKE PLEASE SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT. But. It is okay now. I'm back and ready for anything bby.

BUTTTT, I'm going to reply to wall posts and messages TOMORROOWWWW~~. Okay. I love you.

OKAY. SO I GOT ASKED SOME QUESTIONS SO I WILL ANSWER THEM NOW. THANKS.

Soooo, the wonderful rachanaspre asked me "Have you ever felt dissappointed with yourself?"

Absolutely. I have felt completely disgusted by myself many times sadly. It really isn't uncommon, I think. Uh, I guess, I'm already 19 and I'm just really dissappointed that I'm not in college, I don't have a job, I don't talk to my parents, I don't go out with friends. It's all rather dissappointing to me. But, I think being dissappointed with yourself is really a waste of time. I would rather spend my time trying to better myself. There's not use feeling sorry for youself. You just have to keep trying instead.

The splendid sonwolforlife asked me "Are you very feminine? Do you act like a girl?"

I am a fabulous princess. Does that answer your question?

OMG, I'm kidding. I wouldn't say I'm really girl like. I don't flip my hair and put on my make up or have a really high voice. Maybe mentally I'm really girl? I'm kind of emotional. Does that count? I don't think I am, but then again, I'm not very manly either? So. I think I'm a bit in between. I'm a man-women.

The oh so fabulous charlottelim asked me "What course will or are you taking if you are in college?"

WELLLL, I'm not in college. I'm actually applying right now. And apps are due really soon so I'm like freaking out AHHHHH. But, I want to major in Education with a minor in English. I want to be an English teach actually. But, It's a bit tenative. That's all I really have planned so far. Who knows, I might just not even go to school next year. SIGHHHH~~~~~~. LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE!

Ew I just burped. ANYWAY.

The beautiful akemi59 asked me "Have you ever been in a love hate relationship with someone? Friend or family?

OMG. YESSSSSSsssSSSssss.  MY ROOM MATE HATES ME. SO. MUCH. AND I THINK SHE'S HORRIBLE. But, sometimes we have this heart to heart moments when we're like in the same room and she's just wonderful. But, then she yells at me and we aren't even friends anymore and it's horrible. I really do love her, but she's so mean to me! And I try to be nice but she's so mean! WHYYYY!?!?!!? But, yes. We have a very extreme love hate relationship.

My gorgeous DAElite asked me "were you ever bullied or bully someone?" And that was pretty cool because it was in reference with my story and that made me happy!

Bullying for me is something I can really relate too. I have been bullied before, but I've never bullied someone. Bullying in Japan is really bad. Like, people really get bullied for no reason. So, I would just sit and watch kids get picked on all the time. I remember one time when I was 7, this group of girls made fun of this other girl for being "dark" and ugly but she was just as pale as everyone else. They called her ugly and she started crying. I remember one of the girls spit on the "dark" girl. It was really horrible so I started crying too. I guess, I should have stopped them or something, but I just kept crying until one of my teachers made me go inside. That was the first time I saw someone get bullied. When I turned 11, that's when my voice started changing. Boys, their voices crack and change and you're supposed to grow then! But, I haven't grown. I was short and everyone else was growing. But, I still got acne. But, I have lupus, so I had lessions on my face and I had acne and I got made fun of a lot. I ended up moving away. But, when I came to America, I couldn't speak english and I had a really thick accent. My acne cleared up by time I went into 11th grade when I went to my first American school, but I was short and asian and I couldn't even talk correctly. So, I got made fun of a lot. I remember, on my third or fourth day of school, some guy pushed me into the wall really hard and called me a chink. I ended up dropping all my stuff and people just kept walking by. I knew they saw it. It really made me just want to give up. You really feel like no one cares about you. But, it made me more determined. I didn't want to be hopeless. Bullying doesn't last forever. High school doesn't last forever. So, you should never give up. Because, you will get through it and onto better things anyway. You just have to get through the hard things first.

The glorious OnTaeSupporter asked me "Are you good at comforting people?"

LOL. Over text, I am okay. In person, I think I can do pretty good. But, it depends on what it is.

When someone tells me about their love life or a fight with their parents, I GOT THIS BBY.

But... as soon as they start crying...

I can't. I don't know why. But I can't do it.

The brilliant Mcleaf asked me "Do you play any kind of games? like ps2 games and all that?"

Gaming is my life. I never really had any friends growing up, so I played by myself a lot. For a while I didn't really have games unless my Grandparents bought me them. But then my parents got me games when my dad got promoted. Honestly, my parents have a lot of money now and I wouldn't say we were rich, but we were up there. I was really spoiled as a child and got... pretty much anything I wanted. So, my dad bought me a lot of games. I had Nintendo Entertainment System, Game Boy, Virtual Boy, Nintendo 64, Game Boy Color, Game Boy Advance SP, Game Boy Micro, GameCube, Wii, Nintendo DS, DSi, xbox, PSP, and Playstation 1, 2, and 3. I think that's all the consoles I had. My favorite game is Zelda Twilight Princess and I'm beating Zelda Skyward Sword right now. I like the Pokemon game series and I really liked the Spyro series. I really didn't like Mario or Super Mario that much. It was boring, but I had a lot of those games. I like fantasy games more than point and shoot, but I own all the Halo games. I got Black Ops because everyone said it was good but it wasn't that great. I didn't buy Black Ops two because it just didn't seem interesting. I did get the new Diablo game, but I haven't beaten it yet. I never got into online gaming because... I just like controllers more than key board play. I dunno. But, yes, I do like games. A LOOTTTTT.

The charming hithere asked me ANOTHER AWKWARD QUESTIOOONNNNN, that was "what was the most awkward moment of your life?"

Well. I think the most awkward moment of my life was when my mom found out I liked boys. It was absolutely uncomfortable. Literally, Bae and I were standing there and we just looked at her like... omg...

It was horrible. She didn't even say anything. She just walked out of my room and then it was just awkward. And. That will forever be the most awkward moment of my life.

Hithere also asked me "Do you have a blog, and if you don't why not?"

I actually do not have a blog. I really didn't think anyone would be interested... My life is rather boring. Like, I don't know what I would say! I would be like "Today I ate soup. It was good. Thank you. Good bye."
Do people like that? I just felt it would be awkward and weird and I would be shunned by the general public. But, I might make one. Maybe. I don't know. I just... am so boring. LOL.

The extraordinary shiningangelmel asked me "What is the number one thing you wish you could do?"

This qustion was really hard because I couldn't think of ONE thing. But, I wish I could grow. I am so short it is not even funny. NO BOY SHOULD BE THIS SMALLLLLLLL. I am Five feet tall and I weigh 89 pounds. Or 156 to 157 cm and 40 kg. I mean, really? I'm a boy. Boys are supposed to be bigger than this. It just makes me upset. Why am I so small? Like... is this necessary? Is this the REALITY YOU WANTED?

The fantastic whitestallion asked me "can you describe your personality? or just talk about yourself?"

This. Is. Hard. I guess, I am... shy. I'm really shy and quiet in person. I'm rather introverted as well. A lot of people tell me I'm nice. I guess I'm a nice person. I want to be the type of person people want to talk to and tell about their lives. I like to think I'm positive or at least... a "happy" person. It makes me really happy when people tell me I'm funny. I like making people laugh. I really can't do a lot of stuff though. I've always kind of been... sheltered I guess. I didn't know how to do laundry or wash dishes or use a dish washer until recently. I don't know how to swim or ride a bike. I've never be inside a pool or the ocean. I have never actually gone outside and played in snow. I've always been really spoiled. Even when my family was really poor, I was still spoiled by my grandparents. I don't have a good relationship with any of my family members. I don't have that many friends in my city. I am a really picky eater. I don't like any candy or desserts, milk products, beef, celery, spicy food, or sour food. I am really emotional. but, I don't like to cry that often. Crying makes me uncomfortable.

The wonderful SuperJuniorsELF asked me an advice question. It was "I'm terrified to love him. I don't know if it's because i'm afraid of bring hurt...or if...idk...it just kind of terrifies me...and sometimes i think, 'what if he's not the one?' I know i shouldn't be thinking about this...i'm only seventeen, but...idk it bothers me...do you have any advice on this?"

I really understand how you feel DUN EVEN WORRY BBY. Kenny and I kind of had this problem too when we started dating the second time. We had already been in a relationship and it ended badly. So, we wanted to date again and we did. It worked out pretty well for a while, but he eventually didn't see it working out because we were both too worried about it. So, Kenny broke up with me on my birthday. I'm a little bitter about that. But, we got back together for the third time because we realized it doesn't matter. There's nothing to be scared about if you have the right mentality. The best way to handle it, I think, is to not worry about it at all. If you love someone, it should happen naturally. You shouldn't have to think "is he right for me? will we last a long time?" If you have to think that much, than maybe it shouldn't be. But, sometimes you really love someone, but you're thinking so much that you don't even realize it. I kow how it feels to think too much. To be always be really scared. But, you have to keep the mentality that if it doesn't work out, then you tried and you got to have a good time with someone. You have to remember, if you just close yourself off from dating and letting people in because you're scared of getting hurt, it's true you won't get hurt, but you will also never find the right guy. You have to take chances. Even if it's scary, you just need to take the leap. Baby, I don't know if you are going to find your true love today or tomorrow, but maybe you will. But, you won't find out unless you put yourself out there and take a chance. I'll be honest with you, I'm really glad that I'm dating Kenny even if it might not work out, I'm happy that I at least get to love him right now, Even if he doesn't end up loving me tomorrow. Stay strong bby. You got this!

AND THAT WAS ALL THE QUESTIONS!

That was the most questions I've ever gotten in one update before. Ever. I also got the most comments in general for last update too. Honestly, I hadn't gotten on AFF and then I did and I just sat there in awe and hypervenalated from excitement.

I'm always really excited and I guess really out there, but I was screaming. Like freaking out because you say such beautiful sweet and kind things and I was just dead. DEAD.

I read your comments and you guys told me stuff about your lives and your feelings and your day and how you felt and I was just so touched that I didn't even know what to do.

Kenny was just staring at me like I was a freak of nature, BUT I DUN CARE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO MARRY YOU AND BE WITH YOU FORREEVVVVEEERRRRrrRRRrrrrrRRRrrrRRRRrrrr.
But that would be weird so I won't do that because I don't want you to be uncomfrotable.

You mean so much to me. Like, you really just mean the world to me and I love you. I love hearing about your day and how you feel and I just love it when you take the time to tell me about you because I want to know more about you. It just is so heart warming and I simply ADORE YOU. YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

Thank you for making my day so freaking wonderful again bby.♥

So, I read your answers and they really made me feel all merry and happy and I just want to dress up like a christmas elf and frolic across my home. Anyway. It was really great to see you talk about Christmas traditions and singing christmas songs and spending time with your family. Christmas is really the best time of year! I'm really excited to celebrate Christmas with Kenny and watch Christmas movies! AND DRINK MINTY TEA. I LOVE YOU MINTY TEA.

Anyway~~

SO. THIS UPDATE'S QUESTIOONN ISSSSSSS

"What is your prized possesion?

What matters most to you? It's really cool to hear what people value and why they do, so please leave your answers and your questions for me in the comments!

SO~ have a good day bby. You are flawless

wonderful

spectactular

funny

special

endearing

fantastic

i

love

you

marry

me

be

my

wife

let

me

cuddle

with

you

okay...

bye.

latah

xoxoxoxxoXOXOXOXOXOxoxoxoxox.

Okay.

I'm done now.

seriously

okay

BAI