~~~

“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.” – Ursula K. Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness

~~~

Siwon gritted his teeth, as he kept on dialling for Kyuhyun’s number. He had lost count on how many time times he had tried to reach for the younger man, only to find himself trying in vain. But Choi Siwon is not one to give up; he had to take matters into his own hands. He needed to know, why Sooyeon had insisted to not let Kyuhyun know about her condition. He will not act oblivious to what is happening around him. From his rough calculation, he can guess that both Sooyeon and Kyuhyun are facing crisis with their relationship, and Siwon doesn’t mind to play mediator. Siwon is perfectly aware that he is going to break his promise to Sooyeon; but Siwon just couldn’t care anymore. It is more than enough for him to watch both Kyuhyun and Sooyeon happy.

He can clearly that Sooyeon is having a hard time, and Siwon is perfectly aware of the main cause of her miserable state; Cho Kyuhyun. And Kyuhyun is also acting weird lately; and Siwon knows there is something quite not right is happening unbeknownst to him.

A familiar voice finally greeted Siwon with a slight grunt.

“What is it Hyung?” Kyuhyun on the other hand said with annoyance evident in his voice.

“Well, that is certainly not a proper way to greet your Hyung, Kyuhyun.” Siwon declared trying his best to deal with Kyuhyun like he used to. It’s good enough that the younger had picked up his call, and Siwon just can’t risk his chance to talk him.

“Sorry.” Kyuhyun replied shortly.

“Where have you been? I didn’t see you around for quite some time. We’ve lots of catching up to do you know.” Siwon said as he lifts his hand to massage his temples, tiredness has slowly crept on his nerves; he hasn’t got a proper rest, and Kyuhyun uncooperative act is certainly not helping.

“Life... As usual.” Kyuhyun answered half heartedly; his tone clearly shows that he is not interested in engaging a conversation with Siwon.

“Do you have anything to tell me Kyuhyun? You know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?” Siwon said, trying his best to keep his patience substantial even though he is beyond frustrated with Kyuhyun indifferent act.

“There is nothing for you to worry about Hyung. I can take care of myself you know.”

“Of course I know you do. But you are not acting like yourself lately. I’m sorry if my concern might have caused you to feel uncomfortable.”

There is a long pause of silence that takes place between their conversation; and it is more than enough for Siwon to know that there is something very wrong with the younger. Knowing him for almost a lifetime had given Siwon enough skill to let him read Kyuhyun like an open book. The usually talkative Kyuhyun always turned out to be uncommunicative when there is something bothering him.

Siwon sighed heavily; abandoning his own sentiment at the moment because he had a bigger agenda to achieve; he wanted to resolve whatever matters that come between Kyuhyun and Sooyeon. And Siwon perfectly realized that he will attain nothing from his deed but the same pain of his one-sided love for Sooyeon all over again.

“Listen... Kyuhyun... I don’t what had happened between you and Sooyeon, but I can’t watch both of you chastised yourselves like this.” Siwon paused for a moment, juggling between the pros and cons of what he is going to say next.

“Sooyeon... She was hospitalized last night due to extreme fatigue.” Siwon explained.

“Uh.... What?” Kyuhyun’s voice came out stuttering.

~~~

Kyuhyun stepped out of the car in front of the hospital. The rain is heavy and the weather is as gloomy as Kyuhyun’s emotion at the very moment. Siwon had filled him in about what had happened with Sooyeon, and Kyuhyun knows that he must be the reason of why such thing happened to her. Kyuhyun knows Sooyeon too well; she must have kept all her pain and misery to herself, and when it all become too much for her to bear, it will blow and gotten the best out of her. It is just natural to Sooyeon; she is not one that easily goes around weeping over her sorrow. 

Kyuhyun stopped at the nurse counter, asking for Sooyeon’s details and she looked at Kyuhyun with a mild expression and a light smile as he gestured Kyuhyun to Sooyeon’s room. She informed Kyuhyun that Sooyeon just had her medicine, and she is sleeping and it is for the best if Kyuhyun can make his visit short. Kyuhyun just nodded slightly, he doesn’t have the intention to stay long anyway.

Kyuhyun lanky figure stayed stiffly in front of Sooyeon’s hospital room as he is battling with his inner self whether to push the door or just leave the hospital and act like nothing that had happened to Sooyeon is bothering him. But who is Kyuhyun to refute the undying love that he felt for her? The feelings are too strong; his soul will always look for ways to be with Sooyeon.

Kyuhyun pushed the door slowly, and the door hissed quietly and Kyuhyun stepped inside. He walked gradually to Sooyeon’s bed and a strong guilt and agony engulfed Kyuhyun tightly. Something inside of him churns wildly upon seeing her pale face. How broken she must have been, and Kyuhyun had to press one of his hands over his left chest, as the pain is getting too much for him.

Kyuhyun lifts his hand to her soft hair off her face lightly; being able to stay close to her again sends electric jolts all over his body.

“You silly girl... Why are you doing this to yourself? You should have taken care of yourself better. I can’t watch over you forever you know” He said quietly but in a teasing manner; and Kyuhyun knows Sooyeon would have sulked if she heard Kyuhyun now.

The image of her pouting her small lips and how she will retort back brings a smile to Kyuhyun’s face. How he missed having her around.

“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun whispered softly as bid of tears suddenly fall down over his cheek.

Kyuhyun then pulled the chair beside of her bed; he sits there, picturing her delicate form. How he wishes time will stop now, so that he can stay forever with her. He lifts his hand to touch her small hand lovingly.

With a pained emotion shrieking his heart, and tears in his voice Kyuhyun started to sing softly to her sleeping figure. He knows how Sooyeon loves to listen to him singing until she drifted away to sleep, and he is now doing it for her again like he used to; even if it was for one last time.

On this night when I can’t call out for you,

The dense silence depresses my heart,

If someday I can become the wind that haunts the world,

Then I will call out for you, 

I will call out for your name,

Wounds that are cut open again and again,

Won’t heal, won’t be forgotten,

The heart that remains in sadness again and again,

Keeps the word that never be said,

Even if it’s near the end right now, this rain won’t stop,

Not even if we beg to heaven,

Even if it’s in a dream, even if it’s just for a day,

Let me go back to that moment,

The remaining image of myself,

Please don’t hate it; please don’t erase it later on.

Kyuhyun wipes the hot tears streaming down his face roughly, the suppress emotion is too painful to bear. His voice is broken and hoarse as he weeps silently. It’s getting too much; all the pain and agony is suffocating and choking him mercilessly.

“I didn’t plan it to be this way; this is an unfortunate twist of fate between us. I don’t want to take your happiness away from you. I love you Jung Sooyeon, always have, and always will.”

Sooyeon stirred lightly and she is frowning visibly in her sleep. Kyuhyun swallowed the lump in his throat; he rises slowly from his seat, he doesn’t want to make his presence known to Sooyeon. He smoothed the blanket over her legs, and tucking her in like a child.

“I have to do this for you.” He said before he took his step to leave the room.

~~~

Sooyeon jolted awake from her deep sleep as if electric shock was inserted directly down the length of her spine, her chest heaved as her breathing is hard, cold sweat beading her forehead, and tears b down her face.

Siwon who has been reading on the couch was taken aback upon seeing Sooyoen who suddenly startled awake from her sleep. He rushed over to Sooyeon; trying his best to calm her nerves down. He wrapped his strong hand over her shoulder as he is whispering soft comforting words to her.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“...Oppa...” Sooyeon is shaking as she gripped onto Siwon’s hand tightly; almost too tight as she is trying to gather her strength back.

Sooyeon had a dream where she was holding on to Kyuhyun tight enough but he was sliding away from her. Just out of her reach of her grip and Kyuhyun’s hand felt slippery and too loose for Sooyeon to hold on to him.

“Sssshhhh... It’s okay.” Siwon said soothing her back, and he places soft kisses on the top of her head. Siwon can feel her shuddering visibly.

“Kyuhyunnn... Oppa, I want him.” Sooyeon wails sorrowfully.

“Hey, I’m here for you.” Siwon is cooing her tenderly, but Siwon can’t disregard the gripping pain stabbing his heart when he heard the name the slipped from Sooyeon’s mouth. Siwon knows, no matter what he does, how always will be there for Sooyeon, he is never the one that owns her heart.

“No... He is here, isn’t he? Oppa, please I want him.” Sooyeon shakes her head and tears gushing down from her eyes, rolling down her cheek and she started to howl harder.

“God, listen to me Sooyeon. Kyuhyun is not here. Can you please calm down? Don’t do this to yourself.” Siwon is shaking her lightly, staring deep into her eyes. His hands caress Sooyeon’s wet cheek and gently he pulls her inside of his tight embrace, and slowly Sooyeon’s tense body started to weaken.

Siwon can feel the vibes of anger coming from his pores, but Siwon knows the anger is not directed to Sooyeon but to himself instead. He is angry, because despite of the fact that Sooyeon probably won’t ever return the love that he felt for her; he can’t bring himself to let her go.

~~~

It takes a good 30 minutes for Siwon to calm Sooyeon down. She has stopped crying, but the terror is still visible in her brown eyes. Siwon sits silently on the chair beside of her bed, watching and studying her with the undying love and care. And when Siwon is sure that Sooyeon had completely calmed down, Siwon take his cue to start talking.

“What exactly had happened Sooyeon?” Siwon asked softly, making sure that he is not pressuring Sooyeon with his query. Sooyeon stayed still and Siwon can see how Sooyeon turned rigid at his words, but Siwon doesn’t turn his gaze away from her. He needed an answer.

The silence lasts; Siwon leaves Sooyeon to deal with her emotions, before he breaks the still environment surrounding them.

“I guess you are not ready to talk. You should get back to sleep; I’ll be here if you needed anything.” Siwon said as he rises from his sit to tuck Sooyeon back to the soft cover of her blanket.

“We broke up.”

Siwon can feel his body turned stiff upon hearing Sooyeon’s declaration. He knows who Sooyeon is referring to. He fists his palms, getting them tangled in the soft material of her hospital blanket. He then looked at Sooyeon’s face, trying to trace the truth behind the words that just slipped from .

“He broke up with me.”

“Why... Why didn’t you tell me?” Siwon asked, clenching his jaw hard. Now everything that Hangeng had said started to make sense to Siwon. Sooyeon had pent up all her misery alone, and it makes Siwon wonders; did Sooyeon really doesn’t see him as someone that she can rely on?

Sooyeon eyes glistening with crystal beads of tears, and she had to bite his lips so that she can continue to talk without breaking right there and then in front of Siwon.

“I thought if I didn’t say it out loud, it wouldn’t be true.” Sooyeon is whispering but Siwon still can catch every single syllable clearly.

“I can’t pretend that everything is the same as it used to me anymore. I thought that I was doing everything right. He shattered my emotions, he taught me how to love, but not how to stop.”

Siwon isn’t even sure what exactly he’s feeling right now. Every emotion is getting mixed up. Should he happy with everything that had happened to Kyuhyun and Sooyeon, so now nobody will stay in between them? So finally he can make his way to get to her heart? Or should he fix the situation for them?

He let Sooyeon to continue talking, to let her pour all the pain out hoping that it will lessen the misery that had been torturing her.

“He just didn’t care about me. I don’t know what had gone wrong between us. It was perfect until he came one day and spilled it all straight to my face; saying that he had misinterpreted his feeling for me. It’s just... It’s too cruel.” Sooyeon said voice shaking with mixed of broken emotions and sadness.

“It hurts Oppa. What should I do to make the pain go?” Sooyeon body trembles softly as she can no longer hold her emotions. She bit her lips hard as he looks up to meet Siwon’s eyes; she wonders how fragile she must have looked from Siwon’s point of view, but Sooyeon just couldn’t care anymore.

Siwon stepped closer to Sooyeon, once again wrapping her close; the pained look in her eyes is torturing Siwon. He embraces her with all the love and fondness; hoping that somehow by doing so he can lift her pain and sadness away.

~~~

TBC

A/N: I got carried away while writing and again dragging the story. I just can’t help it. Guhh. By the way, the song that I used is one of my all time favourite song from Kyuhyun. It’s Inwoo, God or war ost.