Proud
A Farewell
Hey jong-ah.
It's been a year since you've been gone. A really long year at that. When I found out what happened I thought and felt so many things but the biggest emotion was guilt.
Hours before everything occurred I had a strange feeling. Something i can only describe as an unbearable urge to reach out to you. I didn't know what it was or why I suddenly felt that way. And then, when the urge was too much was when I found out what happened.
My sudden intentions and emotions have never been wrong, they have prepared me for deep blows, have saved me more than once and yet at the moment when you needed someone the most I simply did not even attempt to find a way, any way at all to try and get to you.
I know I am just a random fan and that the chances of getting in touch with you were minuscule yet I didn't even try. I cannot describe the guilt that I felt during those first weeks, the guilt that I feel when I remember you suddenly.
During the first months I couldn't even hear your voice or read your name. It was too much for me, the guilt and the pain just kept eating me alive. Your music saved me, yet I didn't even try to save you.
It's gotten better though, I hope you’re proud of me for that. It started small, listening to Shinee's new songs then their old songs and finally your own solos. I still can't read anything with you in it though or watch anything with you in it. I watched some videos today, as tribute to you and I cried through every single one. Perhaps I will be able to be okay soon, but for now I will probably avoid videos of you. Story after story has been sitting in my offline since mid 2017 and simply seeing the names makes me want to scream and cry. Perhaps I will be able to read them soon as well.
Perhaps it is the many things that are going on in my life right now but this day was really hard and perhaps it will always be hard. But I'm going to try, try to live normally. I will help those who are also hurting too.
I hope you are happy where you are, looking down at us and laughing that contagious laugh that always made us all smile.
I love you Jong-ah. I hope one day you can forgive me and I hope I can also forgive myself.
I send you a hug and a kiss,
K.D.F.G
Comments