I’m sorry.
You saved me, I only wish I could have saved you. 

The moment I saw your face attached to a news article with the word “dead”, my stomach fell. I walked out of a college final. I called my mom and she assured me he’d be in a better place and that it was okay to cry, to feel. 

I’ve had a handful of those close to me pass, but you. You felt different. I felt as though I could have done something. I know in reality I’m nothing of influence; I live on the other side of the world and my words aren’t the best but I still feel guilty. There’s this quote that goes “real bands save fans and real fans save bands”; I’ve always stuck by this quote until Monday. I didn’t save you, I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry. 

You’re voice has rung in my ears since childhood. You’re voice soothed my first broken heart, my tears of joy when I got accepted into college, and my emptiness before my diagnosis of clinical depression. You were there when I thought I had no other option other than to leave. You saved me. 

I don’t have many words to offer you, I’ve cried out all the vocabulary I know. 

I know it may seem like a dark subject and no one wants to talk about it but it’s what my mind wanders to.

I hate that I can feel it but I can understand how you must’ve felt in your last moments. There’s a feeling of relief, of peace. I hate to think about you in that place, surrounded by your demons. I’m not special but I understand what that’s like. The amount of hate you have to live through because of your career is beyond my comprehension. I wish I could apologize for every bit of hate that was directed at you. 

I grew up embarrassed of liking Kpop, I wish I could go back and proudly talk about the art you created. Though I’m not that into Kpop anymore, your music is part of what inspired me to major in Korean. I wish I could thank you for that. 

I have so much to say but no words. I’m sorry. 

I realize I have to start referring to you in past tense now, I don’t think my heart is ready for that. 

Kim Jonghyun, you are loved and you are my muse. 

Kim Jonghyun, you saved me. Thank you. I’m sorry I could not save you. 

Love, 
A Mourning Shawol 

I’m sorry