(W) Daydreaming
A Farewell
I don’t even know how to begin with my own story. I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety, and ptsd for years along with other problems. I’ve often been misunderstood by people because I become so afraid of saying or doing the wrong things that I end up doing exactly what I was afraid of. I have attempted suicide in the past, and honestly find myself daydreaming about it a lot even in recent times.
Being someone who works full time in entertainment seeing Jonghyun’s pain hit home for me in a lot of ways. I just went back and read some old posts from my darker days, where I felt like the only reason to continue on this path was because entertainment had taken so much out of me that it was all I could live for, and that I’d given myself to it in a way that I could never return from.
I remember how it felt, and how I cried myself to sleep so many nights. I remember having a mental break down last summer when someone hacked into my social media accounts and risked exposing sensitive information about well known artists, which was just the catalyst in a series of many painful and stressful things that had gone on in my life. I cried in my friend's arms for 2 full hours that night, until his shirt was drenched in tears. And then I hugged myself and shook violently for another 19 hours. But I felt it was all my own fault. I felt like my pain was a bother, so I smiled through my tears and told my friends “Lets go to the store. Let me cook dinner for you, what do you want to eat?” and they looked so concerned, but I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Hurting like that I just wanted to cook for my friends and make them happy, because their happiness was all that I could have. I couldn’t smile genuinely but I wanted to make sure they always did.
Though the hack turned out to be a false alarm after that incident I went on the worst downward spiral of my life. I was constantly wanting nothing more than death to escape the extreme anxiety and depression that was consuming me. I still have physical scars on my skin from the nights I drank myself senseless and cut every inch of exposed skin on my body from my arms to my stomach to my chest and my neck.
I remember thinking how if a car ran me over I wouldn’t mind, and the ways I’d abuse any substance I could get my hands on just to feel a little better for a moment. I was broken and empty in total and complete darkness.
But there was something that kept me going. I have so many people that I care about, that I want to help. I know there are others out there who suffer in these ways, and they need someone to help them or give them hope.
I’m doing well now because I want to help others. I’m trying to learn how to turn my pain into happiness, because then I can help another person do the same.
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