(W) Daydreaming

A Farewell

 

I don’t even know how to begin with my own story. I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety, and ptsd for years along with other problems. I’ve often been misunderstood by people because I become so afraid of saying or doing the wrong things that I end up doing exactly what I was afraid of. I have attempted suicide in the past, and honestly find myself daydreaming about it a lot even in recent times.

Being someone who works full time in entertainment seeing Jonghyun’s pain hit home for me in a lot of ways. I just went back and read some old posts from my darker days, where I felt like the only reason to continue on this path was because entertainment had taken so much out of me that it was all I could live for, and that I’d given myself to it in a way that I could never return from.

I remember how it felt, and how I cried myself to sleep so many nights. I remember having a mental break down last summer when someone hacked into my social media accounts and risked exposing sensitive information about well known artists, which was just the catalyst in a series of many painful and stressful things that had gone on in my life. I cried in my friend's arms for 2 full hours that night, until his shirt was drenched in tears. And then I hugged myself and shook violently for another 19 hours. But I felt it was all my own fault. I felt like my pain was a bother, so I smiled through my tears and told my friends “Lets go to the store. Let me cook dinner for you, what do you want to eat?” and they looked so concerned, but I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Hurting like that I just wanted to cook for my friends and make them happy, because their happiness was all that I could have. I couldn’t smile genuinely but I wanted to make sure they always did.

Though the hack turned out to be a false alarm after that incident I went on the worst downward spiral of my life. I was constantly wanting nothing more than death to escape the extreme anxiety and depression that was consuming me. I still have physical scars on my skin from the nights I drank myself senseless and cut every inch of exposed skin on my body from my arms to my stomach to my chest and my neck.

I remember thinking how if a car ran me over I wouldn’t mind, and the ways I’d abuse any substance I could get my hands on just to feel a little better for a moment. I was broken and empty in total and complete darkness.

But there was something that kept me going. I have so many people that I care about, that I want to help. I know there are others out there who suffer in these ways, and they need someone to help them or give them hope.

I’m doing well now because I want to help others. I’m trying to learn how to turn my pain into happiness, because then I can help another person do the same.

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AIMRWV
Trying to advertise this for the 18th but someone else is bidding really hard so I am running out of karma (already bought more for over 30dollars) so if you have some spare you are willing to donate, I would be really thankful.

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Redofthedawn
#1
I'm aware that it isn't December but I just thought of this post. December will never be easy for a lot of us. I'm more aware of my depression around that time. I just became an adult and the realization that a lot can change has finally hit me. I'm not sure how to feel. People within my family have died or are dying and it seems like the only thing I'm allowed to do is move on. I'm no longer given the luxury of grieving the way I had with Jonghyun. There are so many fond memories that I can go back to with Jjong but for them I only have memories. So much has happened these past few years and while I'm not completely okay I can say there's plenty of room where I've healed.

As year 6 approaches I want my fellow Shawols to know that healing is hardly a linear task. It's okay to not be ready but where you are there's always going to be SHINee.

And Dear Author thank you for keeping this space for all of us.
luv_kero
2445 streak #2
Thank you for keeping this space for us for so many years <3 This milestone hit me a lot harder than expected, but seeing this brought so much comfort. Miss you to the moon and back, Jonghyun <3
Viola_Ella #3
Chapter 818: When I saw in newfeed I just realised today is the day. He is a sweet,kind and precious soul. I miss him.
Evelyn_64
#4
It’s been five years today and just a few days ago I turned 27, the age Jonghyun-ah was when we had to say goodbye to him. I have long since had to “become an adult” and learn what growing up means; yet every year I come back to this little space, and read some of the messages that people wrote for him, and think back to the letter I wrote at 22 and never shared with anyone. I think back to a memory of me looking at the full moon and talking to him for hours, telling him I missed him terribly. We still miss you, friend. I still remember you fondly. I still remember me at 17 dancing to Replay in my room. I’ll always cherish those memories of our Spring.



Author, I hope you have been doing well. Thank you so much for keeping this space running for so long, it brings comfort to some more than you’ll ever know.
OdetteSwan
930 streak #5
I'm so glad you won the bid. I will start collecting karma points again.
Good work.
OdetteSwan
930 streak #6
Chapter 818: I just really paid attention to SHINee this August. Yet, when Jonghyun passed away four years ago, I felt sad that another beautiful and caring person chose to leave this place. In fact, I didn't want to listen to any SHINee songs then.
Now, watching SHINee's MVs, I feel like I have accepted what happened and hope that he is really happy now.
Redofthedawn
#7
Time keeps moving on and I wonder why I can't just go back and fix things to when it was so peaceful. So much has happened in the last four years and it feels as though there's only SHINee left to comfort me. Jonghyun for so long I've written my letters to you and I couldn't this year because I couldn't find the strength or will to when I was feeling down. I haven't cried this much since I was a baby. I promised last year that I would tread the new year with caution and that didn't work out so great. There's more I wanna say but I just wish you knew how much I love you. Thank you for being born and sharing your light with the world. Sincerely I love you. 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ❤️
lovelyfeisty
#8
It’s been 4 years now and so it’s hard to believe that you left us, but I still do remember you as SHINee’s Blingbling Angel and as the brightest star that shines in the sky.

I used to feel so lonely after knowing that you left us, that I was listening to Lonely everyday for about a year, but now I just remind myself that you’re still with us, as the bright shining star watching over us from the night sky. ❤️
I will always love you.
wonpokemon
#9
i was InMemoryOfJonghyun!
just thought i'll let you know so you don't add this username again~ =]
anyways, good luck with the add and for all those who come here and are thinking of Jjong and of others and themselves.
aseulmonsta
#10
❤️