So My Tears Won’t Fall
A Farewell
Dear Kim Jonghyun.
It's been four months.
I'm tilting my head back so my tears won't fall. I built up the courage to write this but really, I don't know...
I didn't want to believe it.
Just by chance, I happened to search up your name on December 18th, 2017.
And there it was. "jonghyun death".
I didn't understand.
"What death?"
And I clicked on it, expecting something, anything, that wouldn't actually be your death. It had to be a troll right? A fake?
And suddenly I was flooded. Death of Kpop Star. SHINee Reacts To Death of Member. Kpop Star Commits Suicide. Famous Kpop Star Kim Jonghyun Messages-
NO.
I closed the tab, breathing heavily.
NO.
And I told myself not to cry. Because Kpop wasn't something I was supposed to cry about. Everyone here looks down on my "hobby" and if I started crying about you, people would tell me that it was just a kpop idol and my silly obsession is getting ridiculous.
NO.
It's not.
And then I started to blame.
First, I blamed you because I thought that if you cared about your fans, you wouldn't do this to them.
Then, I blamed your bandmates for not noticing.
And then I blamed the whole fandom.
And finally, I blamed me. I blamed myself for blaming everyone else because I couldn't accept it.
And I still can't accept it.
I didn't want to talk about you.
I didn't even want to think about you.
I didn't want to cry.
But boy am I crying now. I'm surrounded in a sea of tissues. I'm finding it hard to breathe. And tears are coming down and I just don't know what to do.
And when my friend told me your bandmates held a concert and said you were watching them from heaven she was crying. And I told her that I didn't want to talk about you and left like the horrible person I am.
What did I do, Jonghyun?
I don't have any beautiful words to gift you.
I don't even believe in God and Heaven and any religion.
But I hope, wherever you are, that you're happy.
And I wish so much that I could show you this site and show you how many people love you because they do and you should know that we all care and love about you so goddam much.
I'm scared.
Jonghyun-ah. I'm really scared.
Because if so many people love you and you still left.
Will I leave?
Who will love me?
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