Happy New Year
A FarewellHi Jong. me again. it's 11:59 here and I'm writing to you, I have no idea why. I don't know why my chest feels so heavy all on a sudden and I feel like crying. Oh! it's 12:00. Happy New year Jong. Can you see me from up there? Are you smiling at me? I'm sorry for not smiling back. I'm sorry for being like this. I don't understand why I feel like this. I feel so bad and I have no idea what to do or who to talk to. I don't know why I still feel so empty. I did everything they suggested. I sent you letters and balloons, I got you roses, bought a rose plant because unnie said you love roses. I apologized to you again and again again but it just doesn't go away. this is not like me. Grieving for so long... this is not me. I don't know why I still can't get over it. At first most people were kind to me but now they ask me why I'm so hung up over it because I didn't even know you personally, and I guess they are right because it's a little too late for me to be writing this but I can't stop. I don't know why I think about you I don't know why I talk to your pictures. None of it makes sense to me either but what do I do, tell me? Some say you wasted your life. They say mental health is nothing... my mom also said what you doctor said. She said it was your responsibility to fix yourself, but I understand all of it because I went through depression myself. Today I am alive and you are not. It's not because I am stronger than you or because you needed to fight harder. It's simply because my problems are not as big as yours were. My brother said he didn't deserve to live because he didn't love his life enough to hold on. He said, cancer patients know they will die but still they want to live even though it hurts. How bad could mental problems hurt that you'd want to take your life? He's got it all wrong Jonghyun. He doesn't see. He should think, if a person is hurting bad enough to even think about taking his life then the pain must be real and unbearable. I wish they saw. I wish you lived. I wish you are really happy in heaven because you are making me happy despite not being here. I was so sad when started writing this and I have no idea what I wrote but I'm feeling better. I'm glad I knew you. Thank you for existing Jonghyun. I love you
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