I was also thinking of killing myself for days, before Jonghyun killed himself. For the past month, I was breaking down for almost every day. And when I knew about Jonghyun's death, I felt worse. I wondered, if I also killed myself, the world would have been in great misery. His fans, friends and family would be crying. While my family and friends would cry for losing me. I am a shinee fan for a while now and I liked them most likely because of their dork personalities and because of how kind they were.

And that's the bad thing about being kind and dork. I know that myself. People expect you to be that happy and nice always and that's how you want to be always too. You want to cry but you can't. You keep all the heavy cries yourself. I am so sad because I should have seen the sadness and struggle Jonghyun was going through because I also have depression. But well, depression is hideous. It's very hideous.

I know I am nobody but I came across this. I am going through depression too and occasionally, I'd think of killing myself. I had suicidal thoughts even when I was still in kindergarten, kinda bad, isn't it? And the reasons why I thought of that are the very reasons why my depression got worse back in high school. I am now a 19-year old girl and I am still fighting. There would be weeks or months I'd be fine, though not totally fine. But afterwards, I'd be back to the deepest and darkest parts of my very own self and mind. Depression is a continuous battle. You'd feel like you've won at times. But you know, it would keep coming back at you, growling at you, and would keep eating you again till the good days are done. But I hope you'd keep fighting. Please keep fighting.

Several times I've tried killing myself but whenever I do so, someone arrives and saves me. Now, I know no one can arrive when I'd attempt to kill myself because my sister went to Australia to reach her dreams of becoming a successful civil engineer. My other family members are at our province. I am left alone. Now, I am left with my own self. Well, I am strong believer of Him. So I know it's Him and me who can only save myself now.

Whatever and whoever you are believing in, please hold onto that person, even if it means, it's only yourself you could fully trust. That's how I used to be (aside from God). I hardly trust any of my friends and any of my family members when it comes to my pain.

I always wanted to make them smile. I always wanted them to be happy. And never did I want to upset them in any way even if it meant I had to fake everything, or most.

Depression is a continuous battle but please keep going, please keep fighting. Please know that you aren't alone, never alone. That's what I learnt from opening up just recently. I am still slowly opening up about my depression and only 3 of my friends know about it and recently, my 2 siblings and parents knew about it.

Trust me. It may be hard to open up. But it's worth it :) Talk to me or on pm. I'd make time for you. I won't always have the time but I'll try. But since I'd go home for a while, I won't be able to reply, if ever, for these coming 2 weeks. Gonna take a break from internet. Anyway, take care and bless you.

To the person reading this, whether you have depression or not, please know you aren't alone, ever. It's okay to be sad and to be in pain. But don't let that win against you. Someone here is willing to be with you :)