If Losing You Was The Cost To Pay For You To Be Happy
A FarewellJonghyun....
Ah, you're such a dork for putting us all through this I don't even know where to start from.
You left us with so many mixed feelings: sorrow, pain, gratitude, but also relief.
Pain, sadness, grief... because we lost you. We lost a talented songwriter, an unique voice, a dedicated performer, but also such a caring and pure soul, the kind of soul that is way too rare in this world. Maybe that's why you felt like you didn't fit in here: your soul was way too pure for this nasty world. We lost our idol, but some have lost a friend, a precious bandmate. Someone lost her younger brother, and some lost their son. And it pains me... now that I see all of the clues.... Your farewell from Blue Night, Your tattos, your 'black dog' tattoo, but also your last concerts... the fact that you waited for Onew to send his 'comeback' letter, for all of your members to have their birthdays, for Taemin to wrap up his first concert, how you rented an apartment for two days, how you signed up for organ donation, how you gave all of your fortune to your sister, how you gave your final letter to your dear friend Nine and how you prepared one last album..... Just.... In what kind of pain were you to prepare all of this?
I feel so guilty and sorry for not seeing all of this. We saw getting your cheeks back and we thought "oh my! He's eating, he's getting better!" And it was the contrary.... I'm so sorry because I can't help thinking we could have saved you, we should have showed you our love more. There were so many things we could have done to prevent this pain. This pain that led you to that dark room, inhaling this toxic substance. How much have you cried? How painful was it? Why couldn't we prevent it? Was it because we wrongly thought "since he openly talks about it, it means he's dealing well"? I'm sorry, you didn't deserve this pain, and this kind of end. You deserved the world. You weren't worthless, rather we were unworthy of your presence.
But at the same time I feel Relief, yes, because you're not suffering anymore, and knowing that you don't have to deal with all of these hardships anymore is a big relief. If losing you was the cost to pay for you to be happy, then I'll learn to cope with this. But maybe just not now. A bit later. When everything will be more bearable. I hope you are happy, that you are fine in the bright light, without hiding in dark painted rooms for you to be confortable.
Jonghyun-ah, don't worry too much, we have 4 other precious gems to take care of, and we'll do our best to protect them. We will continue to be SHINee World and we will continue to stand behind the name, the group and the boys. This time, I trust you to be with us and be the brightest shawol as we know you are.
4 years ago, I did a presentation about SHINee as part of my 'high school thesis' and I told the professors that I'd be illustrating Kpop and its difficulties through SHINee because of your strength and dedication, something that is still true even today. Despite the hard moments you were all strong. Jinki, Kibum, Minho, Taemin, and you.
I'm grateful you lived as much as you could, dedicating your life to music and giving us masterpieces to enjoy, cry on, dance on, study and so on. Thank you Jonghyun,
You did well, you went through a lot.
You are our pride.
Enjoy your new time, we will be fine.
Love you.
S.
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