Love?

I even never mentioned that word before. I never expected the moment when that kind of question come to me to answer. I lost in my own thought, couldn’t think properly.. looking and keep looking for the right answer. I knew the right answer was not anywhere, but I tried to found the best on, the one that could be worth for my family to hear. The answer that can help me now to pass this stage. Not because I really want to or to get into the next stage but to finally done with all of these. Once I agree to his idea, I never think more about the details. When he said he’d take all over I just thought that every burden on him so I could passed it here and there easily.

But we are talking about marriage now. And whatever the situation we had, and other people had out there, this kind of question should come to us. Because marriage is not a joke, not at all! I knew for sure, I dream for once for lifetime marriage almost all of my age as a woman; young and adult, then and now. Now realized I came easily to this game.. I couldn’t think what was I thinking back then? Did I really that bored and want to take some rest to have fun? Changing the circumstances, like that? I don’t know myself anymore... I’m confused.

“Jiyong, I give you my faith. Just.. answer this question for me. Be a shield like you promise me you’ll be.” I spoke to him through our eyes that met.

Jiyong, on the other side, took the warn I gave him before better than serious. So he came up to my father and bowed down on his knees, also to my mother, brother and even my little sister. He said his apologize several times and said the words I never expected to hear from his mouth.

“To say that our marriage base on love would make it less appropriate, but sure we’ll learn to love each other on the process. Love’s come by the time, people said. And for me, it is not impossible to fall in love with Taeyeon, you know best your daughter, Mr. Kim. She’s worth for more than just a wife and the mother of my first child tittle’s.” He finished his words still on the last position where he bowed to my fahter on his knees.

By saying that now we’ve come to another stage of our story: The Wedding.

= = =

“So you’re leaving us now, Kim Taeyeon?!” Tiffany’s voice snapped me out from the imagination I had on my mind.

I got up and smiled at her. I’m on our practice room now, all alone waited for other seven girls to come. Jiyong left some minutes ago to do another thing on another side of Seoul. We’ve just told the both agencies about our marriage plan, both were shocked but YG reacted wiser and calmer than SM. Yang Hyun Suk, the CEO of YG Entertainment, listened well to Jiyong, he only nodded and asked some necessary questions while SM’s CEO, Lee Soo Man shouted all over the room and attacked us with so many question that concerning us. But Jiyong made it, he manage his words and gave the best answer to shut him off. I was in deep sorry for Lee Soo Man-sajangnim for this kind of stress. Not to mention for Kim Young Min who like been targeted me since the very first time for every advantages he could take.

We planned to speak to my members together, but something came up and I let him go. I think I could handle my member alone. It won’t be harder than facing my family or the CEO of agency I work for, we’ve ben together for years. I know for sure I could handle it, they’ll understand, they’ll listen to me, they won’t judge me. They loves me afterall and the bond within us won’t let us fall in any conditions. The seven other members I had for almost entire time of my life was more than just friend, they turn into a jealousy sister and sometimes big problem who tackle you down in a good kind of way, yet also adorabe for me to resist not to loving them back and strong enough for me to lean almost all my problems on.

I saw seven faces with mix expression. There were worry, hurt, disbelief, and other undescribeable expression. Tiffany lead the way then there were Yuri, Sunny, Sooyoung, Yoona, Seohyun and Hyoyeon. Seohyun grabbed Hyoyeon’s hand and they walked side by side. I was about to welcome them with a hug when Tiffany put her hand on my shoulder and glared at me scarily.

“I’m asking you, do you leaving the group now? Answer it!”

“Unnie, you won’t do that, right?” Yoona’s voice sounded like a whine for me. And I could see Yuri and Sunny was on their own tears.

“Oh no...” I said, panic to saw such a tears from the very beginning.

“What no?! Answer! Do you leaving us or not, Kim Taeyeon?!” now Sooyoung shouted at me.

“People talk about G-Dragon sunbaenim here before.. is the news were true? You’re with him and l-leaving us?” Now Hyoyeon spoke on her nerves.

“Look, wait.. I want to make this moment be good, so please listen to me before fire any words of yours on mine. Okay?”

So the eight of us made a circle and sat on the floor. We usually like this, when we were trainee even after we debuted we like to sit on the floor and talk from nothing to everything. Wasting our times like we had so many tomorrow, healing our heart from the tiring schedules, the hurtfull judges and any other crazy issues. We ate their admiration, their compliments, even their hate. We expect the hate as ready to expect the love too. We know very well this world is full of contrast, so we learn to live with it. And to say about my condition now, I learn too how to deal with the contrast between us.

“I’m sorry for made the trouble for you guys, skipped the schedule and nowhere to be found.. I needed time to manage several things. And today I met the CEO and other directions and staffs, we had a talk about my condition. You don’t have to know about the bussiness thing I talked with them before.”

I moved from one face to another, until I saw the complete seven of them plus one-Sica’s face on my mind. I gulped nervously cause I knew what I’m gonna say the second after. Kind of scenes of their reaction played on my mind even when I still on the meeting room with the CEO, directions and staffs. But I didn’t have enough time to delay it, they have their right to know the truth and I’d accept the tantrum after. I deserved their anger, their bad comments, even their hate after this.

“But what you need to know that.. it is true that I’m leaving the group. I’m no longer part of SNSD once the agency release their official statement.”

They jumped in shock, some of them cried even harder, but they didn’t cut me out. They knew I just didn’t finish yet with my words. So I continue...

“I’m leaving it for good, to say that it is good for SNSD itself won’t be right, but.. I don’t have any others choices. I love you guys with all of my heart, so keep going bring SNSD to the higher place. I believe you can do it even without me, like what we had with Jessica, we’re always nine as a sister, as a family. So, don’t worry much about any other thing, just.. keep going.” I ended my speech and shed the tears. The last thing I wanted was crying in front of them. I didn’t want to see any burden or forcement from my resignation. They only need to know the good truth and leave them with the bad ones.

Tiffany grabbed my hand and stared at me with her red eyes. “Tell us the reason, Taeyeon. Tell us only the truth!”

“What kind of good you leaving with us now?” Yuri spoke hardly between her sob.

I let my hand go from hers and smiled while facing each of their faces. “I’m getting married, Tiffany.” I said calmly, but the next phares I couldn’t be any calmer than before. I shouted like a mad, I didn;t care anymore if it was Tiffany or who I was dealing with. I just couldn’t bottle up my anger for everyone who concerned me like this, especially my best friends like them who I trully love and rely. “Yes, with the man named Kwon Jiyong or you usually call G-Dragon! And I’m six weeks pregnant that’s why I don’t have any choices!”

That when they lost their words, nerves and any other things attached before. Their eyes fell to my tummy which still flat.

“You what?” Sunny spoke between her subsided tears.

“I’m pregnant. Six weeks already.”

“No no no! It can’t be happen!” Tiffany got up and walk back and forth, showed us her stressed. She cursed between her steps then stared at me again, “That can’t be happen, Taeyeon. What did you think so make you up for this case?! This is not right, Taeyeon!”

“It’s not a lie. I’m really pregnant, Fany-ah.”

“Why the baby.... why you did it to me?!”

“So you leave us because you want to keep the baby?” Yuri spoke up.

“Can’t you just get the baby done and comeback to us, Kim Taeyeon? It’s not yet late..” Hyoyeon reasoned her mind.

“That’s right. I never imagine it could be t-this...” Sooyoung couldn’t shed any tears anymore because she was to shock to crying.

“Unnie, the baby is a bless even if what Taeyeon unnie did was a mistake.” The wise maknae, Seo Juhyun’s turn now. “We can’t judge the baby or get rid of it...” she continue while shed her tears and came to hug me.

“Thank you, maknae.” I whispered on her ear when we hug each other tightly.

Everything went up and down for that moment. Tears and anger were our good buddy for almost 2 hours. And after long enough drama between me and my member, Tiffany’s last phrase ended it all. I bid the goodbye because I don’t like to call it that way.. even so I couldn’t find any other words to fit in this situation.

“So you betray us, you turn your back on your sisters!” she shook her head dramatically. “We wish you a better life after this, and pray for us to have a strenght to deal with the trouble you made, Kim Taeyeon. And.. happy wedding for you and Kwon Jiyong-ssi. This is the end.” She led the way out from the room.

= = =

“Why we suddenly move out, Jiyong?”

“People know my place, even with the best security they talk about, I can’t live in peace while leaving you there all alone.”

True. Four days ago, reporters were tended in front of his apartment building, waited for him to come out. Fortunately, I was in my hometown Jeonju while he need to fly back and forth from Seoul-Tokyo-Paris for his damn schedule. Once we succeed to get in his apartment, it was almost impossible to go out. I even noticed that someone suspiciously followed us two days ago when we came here together for the first time. He just landed back from Paris while I arrived at Seoul five hours earlier than him. I thought to delay the moving out process but when Yuri warned me about how chaos our dorm was because I reported missing, I was sure to just follow him. We had been at the top Naver search engine by the way.

He brought me to another apartment, seems like his secret apartment, around Gangnam. He made sure about the facilites and easiest way for him to access while he need to hurry to go to YG building at District Mapo. His second apartment was