“...We’re in this together, I won’t let you down, I promise.”

If only his eyes didn’t said so, I wouldn’t buy anything from his words. But the last sentence of his long speech kept remained in my head, made me hard to concentrate. I was in the meeting room with SM’s directions and other staff too to talk about my upcoming solo mini album. Yes, the second one. I found it odd when the staff described the materials for this project. The point that stole almost all of my concern was the part that said this album will including EDM music, as long as the dance moves that would be a bit complicated for me. As people knew that ‘I’ was totally me, full ballad and slow tempo on songs, but they now wanted me to explore more both the music and my skill.

Only if the morning sickness I had before I went to SM building didn’t remaind me about my condition. How on earth I’ll be able to do such a dance when I’m about 3 or 4 weeks pregnant? I stared to the board in disbelief.. I imagine it horrible so I shook my head. And one of the staff noticed it, and asked me the thing inside my mind. I didn’t know what to said but finally I made it up.

“I like the idea about the EDM music, it’s in nowadays. But to think of me under the spotlight as I am dancing, well.. that's pretty hard. I’m never been a good dancer in the group before. To call it with no dance will be weird of course, it’s EDM music by the way, but maybe about the complicated dance moves the staff once said, I think I need to look forward and try to.. adjust?”

Kim Young Min looked at me intensely. “Miss Kim, I know you capable on this. We’ve been watching you grow since a young lady to this queen, we believe you can handle this.” He said which I replied only with smile.

“You look pale recently, Taeyeon, are you alright?” our stylist unnie asked me once we’re in make up room. I decided to stay at SM longer only to make myself busy so I wouldn’t feel all alone and wrecked up again.

I smiled and shook my head. “I’m okay, Unnie.”

“So.. talk about your next solo album, which style you prefer since it would be EDM all along for the music?”

“Hm... I don’t know it yet, I’m feeling I won’t make it happen.” I smiled bitterly and she put all her concern on me now.

“What do you mean? You don’t like the concept? Or you have another plan to do this year, Taeyeon?”

Since Jessica left the group, everyone seemed so nervous when one of the eight members left look so down and tired and done about all of these. Like, everyone could take our way out from this anytime we want it. SM didn’t made any good way by keeping our schedule tight, they thought tight schedule would distract us from the thougtht to just stop and leave. They didn’t know that the thing that keep us together until now was not that but our fans. SONE who cheering our name anywhere anytime, who stand and fight for us no matter what the problems are. They are the reason for these eight member stand up as SNSD until now. Without them, the thing that left after Jessica broke the contract and leave the group was only the memories, both good and bad memories.

I shrugged to answered her worries and laughed casually. “Let’s have a dinner together, Unnie. It’s been so long since we gather as a full, I’ll tell the members.”

“Okay. Just call me.”

I nodded and got up, ready to go home.

= = =

“So, how’s the meeting?” Jiyong said.

Yeah, he almost with me everytime now. He usually waited me at my apartment, brought me much healthy food like fruits and vegetables and juices, also the vitamins too. I never took the vitamins, only fruits and juices, and some of vegetables too. I hate the vitamins, the medicines.. ugh!

Jiyong wore the basic blue shirt with a jeans and sneakers. He hid his black hair under a cap and walked with me to my apartment. I started to nervous everytime back to my place because I scared that anyone would see us together. Even under all disguise, G-Dragon still G-Dragon. People could tell it by only feeling his aura, damn it his aura! But to kick him out of my place would be more dangerous, he once waited in front of my apartment for almost four freaking hours when I didn’t opened the door for him. He said that if in no minutes I didn’t grabbed him in, he might scream my name all over the place until I come out. Wasn’t him crazy?

He offered me a better place, his place. But everytime I came to his place only reminded me of the night when we consume the night together and that work my nerve, so I didn’t like it. I refused to come and he dicided on his own to come to me so we could all close. I didn’t know he was so adamant to stay close with me or with the baby inside me. I couldn’t think much about the baby, beside my morning sickness I decided not to think about it more. There was part of me who againts the idea of keeping it alive. I don’t know, it sound like I’m a cold hatred, but I’d accepted his idea completely if only I could see the future of me with the baby. Not the future as a mom and wife like he told, but the future as Taeyeon and SNSD. If only by carrying this baby didn’t prevented me from being the Taeyeon and SNSD itself, I’d take her fully.

Jiyong knew it that I didn’t took the baby fully. I just pretended like I’m agree with him, when there was another half of me who didn’t. But he tried his best to persuade me, to show me the best side of his idea. He talk much about what it’s gonna be like to living a house with the baby’s crying sound, watching them grow up at the back yard, cooking together and make a mess in the kitchen.. something like that. Sometimes when I heard him told me that made me thought that there was the secret dragon inside him that only showed up with few people. Maybe only to his family and , and to me too. I found it lovely to think about him as the Kwon Jiyong. Living with him and the baby he imagine together.

“What?”

I came to my sense again. Did I stared at him just now?

“What? What do you mean?” I chuckled, hid the ashamed.

“You stared at me and smiling. What are you imagine?”

“Me? Nothing! What could I imagine about you...”

“Taeyeon, it’s been six weeks of your pregnancy.” He suddenly straightened his body and cutted my words. “I’d like to take you to my parents house’s this week, to meet them and introduce you as my wife to be. I’m deathly serious about it, Taeyeon. I want to marry you..”

“I said I don’t want to..”

He sighed. “I said I’ll agree with you if you could give me another plan, your plan. But you keep mum, you didn’t tell me anything so I have to walk up with mine. It’s six weeks already and keep growing, it would be worsen if we keep doing nothing like this. We have to be hurry, Taeyeon, you know well how the condition is.”

He kept bugged me about that until night and it annoyed me so much.

“Let’s meet my parents this week, okay?”

I rolled my eyes as a response.

“Kim Taeyeon.” He grabbed my hand and gave me a unbreakable look. He cornered me between the wall and his body so I couldn’t run anywhere from him. We played the staring games for like a minute, challenged each other without any act or words.

“Tell me your mind so we could discuss it together. You want an escape, right? I’m wanted it so damn too.” He whined, almost like he tried to hold his anger so he wouldn’t shout at me and broke me out like in the past.

“Okay, you want to know my mind?! Now, let’s hear it..” I said, released my hand from his grip and crossed it over my chest. “I want to keep this baby. I will! Not only for you but for me too.. I don’t want to be a murderer, I don’t know how to live after commit such a big sin. Even now, the result from the so damn wrong thing I did with you which makes us ended up like this keep haunting me, driving me crazy because I scared about everything!”

“I scared about the people judgement, about the future of my career and my own life, even scared about my family’s reaction once they know it. Trust me, I want to keep it and live in peace like you said because that looks so damn right for me in the future. But what looks right in the future seems so wrong for this present time. I want it.. but with one condition, only one condition. I do not want this baby prevent me from being the Taeyeon and SNSD. I want to continue the life I had now while working my harder for this baby in the future! Do you have any idea how to work between those two things? Because I still don’t know how, that’s why I keep quite for your question, Jiyong. I want the best for you, for me, for the baby, for us. I don’t like to imagine my self as a murderer, but I don’t like it more to imagine my self regret the decision I take when I don’t fully understand the consequences.”

The tears started running my eyes and I didn’t mind it at all since I felt like Jiyong get used to the crying me. Me also get used to this brand new Taeyeon which is weak and so damn emotional. Easy to feeling wreck up and could finally crying a river here and there because not so appropriate reason. But it wasn’t worst than before, I just like crying without any drama added on.

“Yes, it’s been six weeks now and keep going. But I don’t really know how to act, Jiyong. I’m a woman, I’m a mother, and if I agree with you I’ll be a wife too. Have you think about those three roles I have to play in the rest of my life once I decided to walk with that?” I took a paused to saw his eyes fixed on mine. “I’m a woman, woman’s choices are limited, Jiyong. And it’s always like that...”

I was about to turn out and leave him when he grabbed my wrist and owned my lip. Our very first kiss after almost two weeks entangled like this. I forced him to broke me free but his power didn’t help me at all. Seconds turn into minutes and still he owned my lip like nobody could take it from him. I unconsciously closed my eyes and responded to his lip on mine, kissed him back. It’s been so long since the last time I kissed.. Right after I lost my breath, he broke the kiss and held my head gently.

“I’ll give you unlimited choices, Taeyeon. Just keep the baby and marry me...” he said and kissed me again.

So we back to his apartment that night. After long enough fight with no others than myself, I decided to at least give him one first and last chance. I gave him my faith only for now. He stated that we need to come to his place so he could think clearer about our next moves. He felt always comfortable like all his needs are here at her home so he don’t have any other place to run. Except maybe, his studio at YG. I didn’t knew which moves he talked about but I let him drained into his own mind and do anything to save us from I don’t know what.

He told me the plan for this