“He said he loves me.” I bluntly says. TOP who sitting next to me doesn’t even look surprise. He bring his glass to the air, asking me for a toast which I refuse. He drank alone then let his laugh out when he place the glass on the table again.

I shake my head. Can’t understand with his act.

“What’s with that laugh? And the toast?”

“Are you really that stupid to not notice it, Taeyeon?”

“Notice what?”

“He changed. All this time with you, he changed for good. That only means two thing. First, he is getting better. Second, he is getting worst. Sure I know that it’s the first option.”

“What are you talking about?”

I found it easier to talk about thing like this with him. In a short way, I get closer to this weird and rigid man. I don’t even imagine it, that someday I finally be friend with Jiyong’s friends. I mean, his friends is a total opposite of mine. His crowd, I’ve met them right? Not bad but sure not really that good to making me beg for another meeting with them. All this time only his manager who usually come up to our place to gather things about work that I met. We usually have a small talk but nothing like this.

I can openly be me, talking about whatever I want to talk about, with him. He is just like that too. At first, I’m shock to hear him talking about his guilt toward because his military schedule. And his other sadness about everything he’ll leave in short time, including some girls. Some, yes. He casually told me the reason that he has been solo for the entire time is because he is not sure about his own heart and feeling. He said that two or three of them made his heart beat faster than it should, but he doubt it. Is that enough to be a reason for him to chase them?

“I’m on the edge, critical state. If I walk in rush I’m afraid that only be a mistake that we both will regret in the future.” He said that time to me when he start talking about his girls.

“Not both. Both is for two parties, it’s four by the way.” I stare at him, he stare back. Then we laugh in another minute.

“I know he’s changed. But there’s a thing inside him that still the same.” I say, taking myself back to present time.

“What?”

“His heart for Kiko. I mean the feeling is different now, but the heart is still the same. He has that tiny part in there for her.”

“Can you just let your past go? Oh, talking about past, you must have some exes, right?” He wait but the thing about my past is always hard for me to talk to people, even to my member. Even Tiffany doesn’t know for sure which is real and not about my exes.

“Well, this talk is over. I’ll go upstairs and meet him.”

“No, wait!” he grab my hand. “Okay. We only talk about Kiko, I promise. At least you need to know what you don’t know. I know more or less about them than you.”

So I take a sit back and listen to him about their story. Dami told me once but I think that’s not enough. Each person have their own perspective right? After I knew about his family perspective toward them, toward her, now I want to know from his friend’s perspective. It might be different since.. you know, your friends are living just like you. That’s why you become their friend, right?

I told him to skip the meeting part. I don’t want to know. I know for sure that they were met somewhere in Tokyo when one of his friend held a party. Dami told me like that too. What I want to know is how they finally split up, Dami don’t know the detail about that part. When TOP shurgging his shoulder, I know he knew it. More or less.

“Kiko never take Jiyong seriously. Because Jiyong was too blind so make her felt too high. Until finally the military enlistment issue is out. YG planned to sent us together, so Bigbang hiatus period will reduce. We’ll make a comeback as five in short two years since we off. That sounds good for us, we really can’t take more than two years off from this. We’ve been doing this for ages, it’s like... breathing. Something we need to do to keep us alive. We agreed but Jiyong missed a thing. Go to military means leave his world and everything inside it. Including Kiko. He was not ready about that.”

“He is so insecure. He thought that Kiko would run away in anytime soon after he get in military. That’s true, she can’t live alone. So he wanted to, at least, keeping her legally as his own. It’s okay if they’re not married that time but at least by something like engangement, Jiyong can be sure that Kiko is in his arms. You know that Kiko refused it, they fought, and split up. Just like that...”

“What makes Jiyong run to me then?”

“Coincidence? Faith? I don’t know.” He chuckle. “But I heard once their fight over you. Remember your gossip last year about how ridiculous people assume you were a couple by looking at your social media activity? Woah, I think that’s the first and the last time of me saw Kiko in flame. Burning like a mad because she was jealous with you.”

“Why me? I’m not really that good compared to others name that was tagging out together with Jiyong.”

“Because little did she knew you are much different than any other girls whose name was tagging out together with Jiyong.” He smile. “You are a trully woman who can grant his wish for a life, just exactly like what you had now with him. I know that Kiko is in love with Jiyong too all this time they were together. She just... so selfish and stupid to differentiate her own feeling and ego. You only know you love someone when you let them go.”

“So... do you think she is asking Jiyong to comeback with her for real?” He only nods and that makes me somehow feeling down. “Do you think he will take that offer?”

“No. As long as you can pay him back the exact same amount.”

= = =

“You’re talking a lot with hyung lately.”

“Yes. I’m enjoying the moment we’re talking.” I answer. I rise my hands spontaneously when  I see his nerve. “Don’t-be-jealous, Mr. Kwon. I sometimes have no mind about you and he is the only one who told me what to do. We’re working on whatever we’re doing right now, for both of us. You have your way to make it and so am I.”

And we remain silent until we arrive at home.

I drink a glass of water then go to my room when he call my name. My full name like always. I turn around and see him standing over his door. His face is complicated like a math.

“What?”

“Don’t you think sleeping together will be better for both of us?”

I roll my eyes and run to my room, leaving him alone.

“I mean... we can get closer faster!” he shout but I’m already on my feet, walking to my room.

Jiyong is weird these recent times. He keep asking me about sleeping together, force that idea so I will finally accept it. It’s not about sleeping together that become a matter for me, but I concern for the motif. Is it only his desire, his need or what? I mean, I have my own needs too, but I think it will be better to be honest. I’ll take it if he say that it’s only for his need, no feeling attach or other baggages behind. I never fail to kiss him back anyway. But sleeping together, or can be something more, is different. It’s bigger than just a kiss. So I can’t easily agree and go with it without knowing what’s the truth behind.

I mean, I’m full with his lies. I always take his lie completely.

So when I hear a knock on my door. I believe tonight will be one of the longest night on my list. I lazily wake up and open up the door for him. I turn the light on and let him in. He rarely come to my room, so when he did I directly asking why.

“Are you really don’t want to sleep with me in one room, Tae?”

“It isn’t like I don’t want it. It’s just...”

“Okay, okay. Don’t force yourself.” He cut me. “You said we should be honest at least about something like this, right? Now I’ll be honest with you.”

I think about to run to the living room or maybe dining room? If we really will talking honest to each other about it this time. But looking at his kid like face, I have no heart to tell him to move. So I motion him to take a sit. We sit separatetly, I’m on my bed, he’s on the chair. I think that’s... safe.

He trail off, look confuse where should he start it. Then he glance at me and stare at my face longer. I choke awkwardly to make him stop doing that. He chuckle then back to my eyes again.

“I love you, Kim Taeyeon. I really do.”

I’m shock. What the hell he said?! He just start this convo with that? Then it’s all over now. No more word I can give to him as a payback. I’m turn my head and try to breath normally but fail. I can hear my thrumping heart beat and now I’m nervous. I bite my own lip, not in the way to make it look sensual or what, but because I’m confused. I’m looking for something in his eyes, but I only found his sincerity which make me even nervous than before.

I remind myself to breath but I lost in two or three counts of it.

“So, will you tell me ‘eveything’, Ji?” I said while holding my breath.

“Okay, I’ll be honest about everything. About me, you, and Kiko... just bare with me, okay?’ he ask lovingly which I respond with a nod.

He told me his story about himself and Kiko, which I did listen even after I knew it. It’s like pressing the rewind button on the remote and his words almost tha same like what his sister and his hyung told me in the past. I try to look surprise to be polite but I fail once or twice. But he seems don’t mind it because he keep going. What important is the way he tell me about the game over between them. I finally know from the accurate source about their matter. Or matters.

I can see his sorrow and hurt in the eyes when he realize and accept the fact that him and Kiko is just a past. A past that won’t be anything but past. A past that he can’t work out so be better and come up in his present or future. He seems... tired to trying. I bet he already try it at least a thousand times. And... Kiko refused it about two thousand times after? I really want to be rude that moment to tell him that he is so stupid, idot, a , to let Kiko did that over him. But love is the reason behind that he brought to the table so I have to chewing back my anger.

“That’s not the matter now. I know it, I realized it.. and it isn’t like