“I want my child. I want you to want it too.”

“You m-mean... keep it?”

And he nodded without any hesistant to answer my question.

As I tried to digested the answer he gave, his hand support my back and pulled me closer to him. He placed his chin on the top of my head and we kept the silence for long minutes before I broke his hug and let my self free. I lifted up my head and look deep into his eyes, tried to understand not only his word but his mind and soul too. He is indeed a brand new person for me, out of my league if I could said so. But I got nothing, I found nothing. Only dizzyness came after me which made me put my two hands on my head and caused him worried. He cupped my face and removed my hands from my head only to replaced it with his tumb that caressed my head softly. I liked the way he did that.

“Taeyeon? Do you feel headache? Come on, let’s take a sit first.” He assisted me to the chair in the corridor outside the doctor room practice. The long corridor almost empty, only few patients sat on the other side, waiting for their doctor probably and some of nurses who walked pass us from nowhere to nowhere.

I kept mum when he caressed my back tenderly. After some minutes a turned to his face and I saw him ready to listen to me.

“I can’t keep this child.” I said bitterly, “even if I want it to.”

He pouted. “Why?” disagreement plestered clearly on his face.

“Keep this child means put away my career, put away SNSD, put away my waiting upcoming solo album, put away my life.. the perfect life I got. And I don’t like that idea, God, I can’t even imagine it. Living as Taeyeon, just Taeyeon not a part of SNSD, SM Town, or this industry.”

I waited to his response, but he low down his gaze and bowed down his head, turn back from me. I can understand him right now, I don’t want to blame him too. We were on the opposite, our decision made each other feeling . I can’t accept his decision with all my condition and also him. But we did talk about it just now, and I hope with this talk we could find the way, the best way for us. Not only for him or for me, but for us. Because like what he said, we’re in this forever. If he can let his ego down, why don’t me too? I don’t want to be that bad person who only think about my self, we did wrong that night. Not only him who-maybe, took the advantage of me, but the foolest side of me dragged me to that club and drink myself to death. Maybe, just maybe, if I didn’t ended up slept with him that night, it would be other man, or worst I’d just get wasted only to be found by the media.

“Hey, speak up.. I think we are in this together, that’s why we have to speak up, right? I’ll try to put my ego down too for you, for the best of us.” My sanity seemed back so I could said such a words like that.

He lifted his head up and looked at me again. “I can’t force you to agree with me, right? Like you said, that perfect life you have.. I can’t ruin it or replace it with the life a would offer if you agree with my idea.” He smiled, darkly. “But Taeyeon, I want you to think again about the perfect life you once said before, is it everlast? Is it win over the normal life that you can achieve once you become the Kim Taeyeon, wife and mother, living a house with your husband and children, go for vacation in the holiday season, come to worry when your kid get sick and should be hospitalized.. maybe here.”

He took a pause before stared at me even deeper. “Because Taeyeon, I’d like to stop being G-Dragon and part of Big Bang if there’s someone who can guarantee me a life like that. Because this life I have now is tiring me, I have to adjusted with people only to make them happy, to make them smile, to make them satisfy. Why? Because the think the pay for my happiness. If they think about the house, the cars, the bussiness I run, the stack of fashion item on my cupboard, or the amount of money on my bank account, they maybe right. But they can’t pay for the other side of happiness that I longed for most, the peace to live a normal life as Kwon Jiyong. Far away from highlight, far away from spotlight, far away for their judge. Just me and me only.”

I listened to him like I listen to my mom when she read me a story before sleep. His words move me a bit but didn’t strong enough to made me change my mind. So to make it ruinless, I kept my mouth shout. And he seemed understand. He suddenly got up and offered his hand to me, I took it with a confused expression. Once I got up he dragged me to the lobby, leaving the hospital and I hope all the words he said before.

“I drove you home.” Was the only sentence he said in the long road back to my apartment.

= = =

“Jiyong-ssi,” I called him when we arrived at my apartment, his car was totally stopped. “Thank you for drive me home and... f-for the talk.”

He smiled, but I could saw the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Never mind.”

I was about to get out when he grabbed my wrist. “Taeyeon... Call me.. if, if you n-need anything.”

“Okay.” I nodded and went out.

After entered my apartment I walked straight to my room. I washed up my body, change my clothes and prepared a lunch for my self. I skipped breakfast with Jiyong this morning, so I was a little hungry. I opened the refrigenerator and find kimchi along with eggs, I fried the egg and cooked the rice, I fried some baccon and sausage too. I chopped the veggie and prepared everything to made a simple soup, I want to eat soup. After like an hour, my lunch was ready and I got excited to eat it all. So, I ate alone like always.

After finished my lunch, I did the dishes and got rest at my room. That when I recalled all Jiyong’s words inside my mind and moved a bit by those words. The question he asked without any answer from me played in a repeat mode inside my head.

“But Taeyeon, I want you to think again about the perfect life you once said before, is it everlast?” it kept played again and again and I swore as hell it was annoyed me.

I tried to distract my self by doing other thing. I decided to work on my drawing again, it usually succeed to help me from any stresses. I opened each pages and find the old drawing that I like the most even now. The drawing of nine princess who I stated as me and the eight member of SNSD. I smiled saw the drawing there, that were Tiffany from the right side, and me, and Sooyoung, and Yoona, and Jessica, and Sunny, and Hyoyeon, and Yuri and last Baby Seo. I smiled when saw Jessica at the center. It was around our Mr Mr promotion, before her departure. Our casual and boyish style looked fit on her and also the rest member too. I suddenly missed them all. The last time I met Sica after her departure was when I secretly left Seoul to California around June. Krystal helped me to met her, thankfully everything went good.

I replayed the last conversation we had that time.

“You’ve been good.”

She chuckled. “Yeah, not really easy at first but here I am now.” She smiled, “tell me, Taeyeon, is everything alright with you and others?”

“Well, same with you everything seems impossible at the beginning but we made it so far. We even preparing for our comeback.” I smiled, “Oh, happy belated birth day. I’m sure other members too want to say the same thing to you.”

“Thank you, Taeng.”

We moved to the terrace, she bring me and ice tea and some biscuit. We talk much until finally we came to the moment when we have to be brave to face each others only to bring it up. As a leader, I'm feeling like this is my responsibility to make the thing between us and her right again. We’ve been sister for long enough time, we won’t lost it.

“Sooyeon-ah, I as a leader represent the girls to say this to you. That’s excatly the reason why I sneak out from the schedule.” We both chuckle hearing me saying the truth. “We are really sorry for everything happened last year. We didn’t listened to you, didn’t took your side, didn’t protected the soshi’s bond once we believed the most in the world. We did forgot about respect and caring each other. We are really sorry.”

“Apologize won’t make it back to the moment when everything still right, but it could heal us in the future, right? So we do apologize for every mistakes that happened. I though we learnt each other very well, well now I don’t think so. Sorry too for taking long time to finally come over and make this talk.”

She smile generously. “It’s okay, Taeng. We are have our own condition and this is my condition. I can’t be with you guys forever, as you know me well.. I want to start the real life outside SNSD. It doesn’t mean SNSD is fake or not real, but you know we’re aging every second and our choices as a woman is not many. So before I regret it for the my entire existence when I’m old, I’d took a risk. I’m sorry too for leaving you guys like that. I tried to wait until our contract end and didn’t want to renew it again. But, yeah.. everyone had their own condition, SM’s too.”

And I nodded. “What’s your dream now, Sica?”

“My dream? I don’t know...” she laughing. “When I was young I dreamt to be a singer which turn be and idol, SNSD. Now as an adult my dream become simpler, Taeng. I dream of the peacefull life, far for the noise that this industry