“It’s getting worst, Jiyong! We can’t stay still like this anymore! I’m feeling like I’m about to be crazy very soon. Let’s do something! Please do something!”

Jiyong take me to his embrace. My condition didn’t get any better since the news spread all around the city or even to the world. Representative from SM called me yesterday to discuss the situation, they have to make an official statement faster since it’s getting hotter day by day. It’s two weeks already since we accept the first letter to my apartment, SM, YG and also my parent’s house in Jeonju. It’s two weeks already since all of the official videos and photos about me under my own channel that belong to SM official site been taken for such a ridiculous reason. It’s two weeks already since my SNS that I never update since Jiyong birthday attacked by haters with so many bad comments. I even found that there were many account that be made only to speak about their hate toward me. It’s two weeks already since we keep mum only to think that everything will be better by the time.

Now I realize it that by prevent the voice of us to be hear by the netizen only bring it worsen than ever. People out there think that the silent act we choose as the way we express how we admit it. That I admit the wedding was a shoot gun, that I admit the pregnancy is the thing that force me to leave SNSD and the industry, that I admit the marriage between me and Jiyong is a total lie. Those all are true, but I think that it will stop right there because really... they still have the bullet to be shoot at me? That was all... but this morning something bigger came up. Jiyong knew it before me, it released last night exactly, but he didn’t told me. I know about it when someone from SM called me this morning, they want the meeting as soon as possible because the condition is out of control. They added the current news about the new nickname of mine; witch.

“We’d like to see you and better be with your husband too, to discuss about the matter, Kim Taeyeon-ssi. Sooner better.”

So this late noon, together with Jiyong I came out from the house and go to SM building to attend the meeting. Seems like the world already knew about the visiting, outside SM building is totally chaos. Every reporters are there, ready with their cameras and mics, also fans and maybe some haters too. Fans are holding their banner, try to cheer me up while haters, even if they are not really that brave to hold the banner to judge or pull me down, keep their mouth busy while cursing my name. I see some VIP too, Bigbang fans, who coming here to support their idol. Salute for them who keep cheering on us no matter the situation is. If I was them, I think I could walk away from the fandom for having such a disgrace and ashamefull idol like me. Jiyong is not, he is good and gentle after all. Just... don’t blame him. He get enough stress from me.

We sit around the oval table. I can see Kim Young Min sat on the head of the table, near the screen, beside him is other SM upper directions along with staff then me and Jiyong with his manager and one other person from YG. It’s been long since the last time I’m sittng here and talk about myself like the future of my music, my career, my developing skill, or maybe just about the advantage for SM itself. I sit uncomfortably because the weight of my belly, I used to sitting here with a feeling to move freely and sometimes proudly too. I just guess it’s not today. So when the people are gather around the meeting begin with such a simple warm greeting from the moderator then switch fastly to the poin of this meeting. One of the staff stand up and explain us about the condition inside SM related to the matter I made. I’m listening carefully, Jiyong and his manager too. His manager even write something on his notes and discuss it with male YG staff who sit right beside him.

“You promise us the advantage, if I’m allowed to say so, in the previous meeting,  Kwon Jiyong-ssi. But for now, from our perspective there is none of the chaos out there becoming an advantage for us, for SM. If you let me pretending like I knew all the situation, it’s also didn’t bring any advantages for you both.” Kim Young Min smile politely as he close his words with a stare at my face.

I suddenly bow my face when my eyes meet his.

“Well...” Sonho speak up for Jiyong. “On the previous meeting we didn’t expect something like this would be happen just now. I mean, we know there would be a pro and cons for the confirmation about their wedding, also when Taeyeon-ssi decided to revealed about her pregnancy. It’s totally predictable to see a kind of chaos like what happen now, but... after it all vanished, we didn’t expect to get an attack in a short time. It’s two months after their honeymoon and everything went smooth, only now the noise comeback and bigger this time. We also didn’t have any idea where exactly is coming from. So to say about advantage we could get or your party could get too is a bit rude this time because both of us are menboong, aren’t us?”

“We.. c-came here to talk.” I said weakly, my voice is trembling.

Kim Young Min put his eyes on me and smile. “Yes, Taeyeon-ssi. We really like to hear your opinion about this, since you’re the subject you must have something to say, right? Go on, don’t hold it up.”

I see Jiyong and Sonho respectively. My body starts shaking because the fear that I can’t control, somehow I find Young Min’s eyes are intimidating me, driving me crazy. Jiyong see it so he touch my shoulder and squeeze it a little as a moral support he gave. I lift my head and trying so hard to avoid Yong Min’s eyes so I can focus with my words. He is right, I am the subject so of course I have something to say about this case and they better listen to me because the last thing I want to happen this time is repeating my words.

“As the last situation was out of our expectation, I don’t really have any idea about it but if I can be honest.. I, I started to fear it will be worsen and we can’t find the way out to fixing the mess. I’m already in stress right now but I make it for this meeting only with the hope that SM as my agency would try to help me, us I mean, about this matter. The pregnancy was vanished by the wedding, the fake marriage too was vanished by such a lovey dovey honeymoon we had two months ago, but this time.. I don’t have idea how to distract them. Call me an evil to play them this way, but I have nothing right now. I could pay them with almost of my time, my voice, the stage and everything, but now I have nothing so I can’t...” I’m in tears and can’t keep it up.

Jiyong acts fast, he turn my body and wipe my tears away. I made a smile and nods to his eyes to make him sure I can finish it. He bite his lip in doubt but I turn my body and facing Kim Young Min on his face already.

“About the headlines, letters and any bad comments out there,” I begin again. “I want SM to report it not as a matter for me but as the matter for this company itself because I believe that makes the loss for SM. Like the threat that had been sent disturb the agency, bring another artists out of there focus or whatever. That means you help me to take it down but not directly show it as an action to protect me.. because I’m scared once people try to help me, to protect me from those things, it will attack me badly, hit me with a bigger slap.”

I take a gulp before continuing the explanation about my fear.

“I believe that it’s not just happen because the netizen hates me... it happens because there is a person or could be a people who initiate it. Say it that there is someone who coordinate the public to have the same thought about me, change their mind because seriously they already left me before. I even read some positive comments from them, cheer us up and said can’t wait to see another me and Jiyong in one frame. And to say who is it... I don’t know, really. I just assumed it, but better be aware, r-right?”

I watch Kim Young Min nods carefully. The rest looks so concern digest my words, some of them seems lighter while some others stare at me like I’m insane. I see Jiyong give me a difficult face to read, but Soonho in a serious talk with YG staff maybe discuss about the possibility for them to taking the same action in behalf on Jiyong. I’m about to lean on my body to the chair when Kim Young Min rise his hand to get my attention and focus back.

“Y-yes?”

“We never have a thought like that before, Taeyeon-ssi. I will talk with the staff to arrange possibilities to take further action for this matters based on the news you gave before. Both news about your condition and your thought. Now... let me know how SM release an official statement about the photos that leaked this early morning. You may have some words too, Kwon Jiyong-ssi.”

“Thank you.” I said. “About the photos... honestly I don’t know if it is right or not, it seems right even before I saw all of the photos. I’m not yet talking about this with Jiyong.” I said honestly. I’m about to throw up when I try to ask him about the photos this morning, I don’t know that was my morning sickness or  disgust as the effect of me seeing the photos of him and that women.

Yes, this morning photos of my husband in a quite proximity with Kiko leaked out to be consumed by the public. In those photos they were smile to each other, laugh to each other, linking arms and hands, even I saw the picture when Jiyong look like hug Kiko from the back. I stop at that photos because I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I looked closer to the not-really-that-disgusting photos of them while linking arm and hands. Yes, that is the safe one because I see the sincerity on Jiyong smile’s on the first photo, and I can see how happy Jiyong was in the second one, and the back hug photo... that the worst. From that photo I see Jiyong’s hair color and style and it match with his hair style now just a bit neat so I assumed those photos were new.

“About the photos...” Jiyong speak up, not really that confident from his voice. “Let me and my agency handle it. We’re already discussed it by phone, maybe the meeting will be on the next day. Just... follow the official statement later.”

I sense something’s wrong. Kim Young Min sense something’s wrong too. The whole room sense something’s wrong between me and Jiyong. How could a marriage couple don’t know each other condition in the crucial moment like this? I mean.. it is about another woman in our marriage but yet we didn’t discuss about it like we don’t really care or too tired to care.

“Yes, let that one on his side.” I answer bitterly.

So Jiyong try to catch me before I lock up myself inside my room. He insist to explain about the photos to me but my reaction is I don’t care because I really am. Since the beginning of this marriage, the day I know about his relationship and bad break up with Kiko then Kiko’s attitude, I know I shouldn’t let myself in. It will only wasted my time and probably much annoyed me too. So what for?! But Jiyong play this marriage very well, his gentleness, his magical words, his promises here and there.. his act like this, trying to explain it to me like it really matter. We’re friend yes, but friend keep a secret when family’s not. I won’t keep any single secret from my daughter later when she’s born because she gonna be my family but him... he is just my friend right? I can keep a secret for my own privacy from him so does him.

He finally grab my hand before I enter my room.

“What?!”

“I said listen to me first!”

“I don’t want to! If you want to keep it as a secret from the first time, then keep it. I won’t bother you, I know very well our relationship. As long as I can remember you offered me friendship right? Nothing more, nothing less.”

“That’s not what I mean...” he pull me and by his strenght to make me totally lose. “We’re married, Kim Taeyeon. Even if we’re not loving each other, even if we agree to only become friend for each other, but people don’t know that. And as I friend I want you to know the truth.”

“If so, why don’t you tell me sooner or maybe think a thousand times before finally meet up with that girl and have a party together with her too?! You know what, it seems like you’re caught up by me, Jiyong. Like a thief, you stole something. Stole the promise you made and also the trust I’m starting to give.”

He looks like he don’t like me speak like that. That only emphasize the truth that the fault is on him and he don’t like to admit it.

“Okay! I met her.. no! She met me, somewhere not long enough after my birthday. She came to seoul for work and my friends gather us all up like a regular party we usually had. And how could we ended up together that night... that’s because she came to me innocent, Taeyeon. She told me she was okay again, she’s finally take the reality and go on with it. She offered me friendship, Taeyeon, like the one I offered to you. Do you to think I should refuse her offer? And all those skinship, if you really questioned it, fine! I’m a person who really like doing it. I can hug my friend male or female or talking sweet nothing only because that is me. Now you tell me, am I forbidden to be friend with my ex?”

I smirk. God, this evil! So, the night when he came home drunk and asked me to help me forget Kiko is the night when they were met and catch up? Great, she even offered a friendship for them both to treasure. Wow, I can’t believe it! She’s a super model Kiko Mizuhara but all this time she show me her true self as a kind of .

“Of course you are! You offered me the friendship and friendship we made because we could be friend for real or even more than that will be okay since our status told us we can having more. But you and her... you and her have a past, Jiyong! How could you be so stupid and reckless to said yes for her offer?! Are you believe man and woman can have a real friendship like it should because I am not? Worsen is you are not just a man and woman with her, you are her ex-lovers. So if you are worried about people’s judgement, don’t be.. because if you really are you would think twice, thire, even thousand times before finally said yes to that offer.”

I release my hand from his grip when he become weak because my words hit him hard. I turn my body and leave him alone in the family room, he is standing like statue. Head down, shoulders down, probably in next minutes he give up his knees too. My hand is on the handle door of my room when I hear him chuckle. I try to think another reason for that chukle that turn into laugh, but beside he is totally crazy I can’t find anything else. So I turn my body to see how he is going, maybe he needs paramedic. There he is, standing on his knees with his eyes fix on me. I glare at him but he smile at me. He take steps to reach me and somehow his eyes makes me scared, look so confident and intimidating. I don’t like it...

He suddenly surround me with both his hands, like imprison me in his embrace.

“So you believe we can be something, Taeyeon?” he caressed my cheek with his thumb. “More than just a friend?” he whisper it on my ear, makes me shivering. “Do you want to throw the ball in?” he seductively kiss my cheek. “Because.. I want to.” He said and own my lip.

And we turn the fight into something else.

“Tell me, Jiyong, why you kiss me before?” I ask. Lips parted, and we still try to catch the air that we lose for some moments because of the kiss. We are still in front of my room, standing over each other with his hands still surrounding my body.

He stare at my eyes and I feel shivering just because of his gaze. I never feel like this before, in the past everything I did toward him was because the feeling of me that so contain to him. Now I’m feelingin ease to give a response for his act, I do like it since the first time, his hug, his thumb caressing my cheeks, but never feel like this. This one is different, I can feel it. Is it really impossible for man and woman to be just friend and nothing more?

He laugh but never leave my eyes. “No. You tell me, Taeyeon.. why was you closed your eyes?”

And for his question my face become red like a tomatto. I’m so shy and don’t