Three days after ruining Tiffany’s life, I finally came back to my place. For informaton, I didn’t made up my mind yet. There was still no decision for anything from me. I got a text from Jiyong when I about to entered my apartment. I opened the text first, then the door. I read the text while entered the living room. I hopped my self in the sofa at the living room, my eyes fixed on the phone screen, read the long enough text Jiyong sent to me. I forgot when was time I got him my phone number, but refused to think about that more because he is G-Dragon by the way. He probably had a half phone number of Korean artists.

Hi, Taeyeon.

Long time no see, nor information about you. How are you?

I’m about to call you last night...

I don’t know how say it, it maybe weird for you to hear..

Bu I missed you, I miss my child too.

Is she okay with you?

I know we can’t resume that the child is girl or boy, but I want it girl.

I want a daughter so bad, so I hope it is a girl.

Call me, Taeyeon.

Let me know where are you now, and maybe I can meet you there.

                                                                                                Jiyong

The thought of him who wanted to see me and the baby inside my tummy made my heart thrilled in strange way. Also the line where he said he want a baby girl, a daughter, made me think of him with his perfect appearance carry a little girl with his hands. His smile, his gaze on his brown eyes, I found it cute to imagine him in that kind of picture. So with all my heart I pressed the reply button and typed the message for him.

Hi, Jiyong.

I just arrived at my apartment after sleep over in Tiffany’s place.

I’m good and also the baby, I think.

You can meet me here next morning, I don’t really want to going out lately.

And also, I’ll be a bit busy next week preparing for the album of mine.

I’ll have meetings with several people before finally get in the studio.

So, I think it’s good for us to meet before that time.

But after such a great imagination about Kwon Jiyong as a good father in the near future with the baby from me, I felt so wrecked up like I hate myself for entire life I had. I felt disgusted with myself for done something so wrong like one night stand with none other than G-Dragon. It was so wrong from the first place how I let myself out that night alone, talked to him and got touched by him which ended up for us to consumed that night together. I didn’t remember the whole story about how I finally moved from the bar to his room. I felt so dirt about myself, my body.. how could I let a man lay their hand on me easily! Where’s the pride I held so high for years? How desperate I was that time to finally decided lost all of my mind and get wasted to made a big trouble like this?!

And I cried a river again that night. I started to regret leaving Tiffany’s place today because when I was all alone I’m back to this fool Taeyeon. Since I was already home, the imagination of him to be a good father I already had, and I was totally missed my period for five weeks to make everything seemed so late. If before I thought that five weeks was way too early so I had enough time to think and make a decision, now I thought that all was too late for me to make a move. I don’t have choices like I don’t have the future anymore. I couldn’t fix the mess I made, I was soooo slow and stupid to think that I have an enough time. I wasted my precious time to thinking nothing. I of course know very best since the first that the one I should care all about was my career. There was no one more important than my career because that was all I had.

Now I lose it! Now I’m jus a rubbish because I have nothing.

I laughed to the circumstance sarcastically then decided to drink me to sleep tonight to help me forget everything. If that one by the help of alchohol I could finally messed up my life, now I wanted to turn back time and make everything right again by the help of alchohol too. So I didn’t really mind about my five weeks of pregnancy mixed with the amount of alchohol I drank that night. I just wanted to forget it all... and so forgot I was. I swore to let alchohol accompany me until I’m death sleep but I never death nor sleep so I kept poured my glass and drink it one to another.

Weird, I never felt like I’m pregnant these five weeks. Maybe the doctor missed the test or the result. Maybe mine was got switched accidently so the result could said I’m positive. I’m five weeks pregnant but I felt nothing.. like really nothing happened. So to thought about that possibility I laughed loudly on my dining table with the nth glass on my hand. Of course that could be happen, sometimes the reality want to play a dumbfool games with you only to make you come to stress, desperate and dying. I laughed and couldn’t stop, like a crazy. So to celebrated the possibility that I might be not pregnant like really pregnant, I drank more and more like I was allowed to.

So, I found myself super excited in the next morning. I woke up early, went to bathroom to take a shower and wash my hair. I made a breakfast while sang a happy song. I even did cleaned up the living room and television room which I rare to used. I re-arranged the frame on the wall, kicked the dust on the table and buffet and did changed the cover for the pillow on the sofa. Wow, did I waited for someone special? I mean was Jiyong really this special to made me prepared for him? But I don’t mind, I’m happy that’s the matter. I found the happy me was rare came lately. I was about to tell him the news too that maybe I’m not pregnant bacause I felt nothing happened on me. Maybe I should asked him to meet different doctor to run the test once more. I thanked myself for such a happy one so I didn’t got any hungover even after death drunk last night. That possibility totally changed me.

So when the bell rung I jumped and hurried myself to the front door. I combed my hair with my finger before checked the guest and opened the door once I’m sure that is Jiyong out there. I greeted him with a simple phrase and smiled, he did smile to me too. And I let him in, I offered him a drink and he said whatever so I brought him orange juice from the refrigenerator and some snacks like almond raw and chocolate biscuit that I kept in the kitchen. He only remembered that he brought me a thing too when I placed the plate and glass on the table in front of him. I smiled from ear to ear when opened the gift he gave and found a 35 ml perfume with a floral scene.

“I was in Japan three days ago and we went shopping, I found it and I like the smell. So I remember you and decided to bring it as a gift.”

“Thank you.” I muttered shyly.

“Well, is everything alright with you and the baby?”

Once he mentioned the word ‘baby’, I unconsciously place one of my hand on my tummy, feeling it like natural. I bowed down to see my tummy clearly but found nothing. Like there was nothing inside me, like I’m not pregnant at all. I knew, it’s only 6 weeks but still.. it’s weird to feeling normal like this. He waited me while watched my act.

“It’s weird,” I decided to be honest with him, “I’m feeling nothing. Like, there’s no baby inside me...”

He frowned when heard me said such a word.

I don’t want to feel burden so I grabbed the glass from the table and drink the orange juice inside the glass. After like two gulps, I stopped. I sudddenly feeling full, oh I ate breakfast before in such a large portion for breakfast, of course I’m feeling full already. I placed the glass on the table and we remained silent. When he decided to asked me a question I feel more uncomfortable with my stomach. Jiyong didn’t noticed it, so I got up and run to the bathroom. I feeling like I want to throw up, is it because the juice? I heard his step behind me, he run after me. I slumped down on the floor, in squat position after the toilet when he came in rush to the bathroom inside my room. I even forgot to yelled at him who recklessly entered my room. All of my energy and concern was on the toilet and the thing I threw from my mouth.

“You drunk last night?” his voice was full of worried and angry at the same time.

I kept throwing up all the menu I ate as breakfast this morning, didn’t have any chance or braveness to answer. I knew he could be mad once he knew I drank last night but would be even madder if I gave him the real answer. He wasn’t fool, he knew I drunk last night by looking at me who throwing up all from my stomach. I even could smelled the alchohol from the thing I threw.

Even I never used to be the alchoholic in the past, this sure was not the first time I drank and got such a bad hungover like this. But I never felt so sick like this before because the effect of alchohol. Even after run for 4 hours non stop crying last time, there’s still a bit energy left on me to drove to Tiffany’s place. But this time, I felt so empty like there was only a body with no contain of anything. I felt so sick like all my body trembled and my sight went blur, my knees.. I couldn’t feel it anymore since I was on the floor. I was so lifeless, I couldn’t move my body from the sitting position on the bathroom floor nor to think about what’s next move could be good. Even to made such a voice, I couldn’t made it. I felt like a rubbish because I’m the weakest lately, both physically and