Am I your one and only desire

Am I the reason you breathe

Or am I the reason you cry

Always- Saliva

chapter playlist

It was Christmas Eve, and there was a thick blanket of snow on the ground. The houses were decorated with Christmas lights and other Christmas decorations. Trees were lit and decorated. Children played in the snow, building snowmen and snow angels on the ground. Jolliness could be felt all around Seoul.

The whole family gathered in the dorm's living room Christmas Eve. Lay had just finished decorating the tree and stood proudly admiring his work. 

“Children, gather around," he said, sitting down on the couch.

“Did you just call me a child?” Baekhyun asked and plopped down on the cushion, sipping from his mug of eggnog.

“Nice tree,” Xiumin said, entering the room with Kai following.

“Thank you. You didn’t help," Lay said.

“Well, you did a good job by yourself.” Xiumin laughed.

It had been really peculiar. Everyone was in a good mood for once, and that was mind blowing. Lately, it had either been someone was missing, depressed, lonely, or upset; for once, it seemed everyone was happy. It had to be the Christmas magic.

There was a bang on the door. Kai rushed to get it and was nearly bulldozed by Suho. “Santa’s coming to town!” Suho yelled, dumping a heavy load of boxes onto the ground. Kris followed inside, a chicken in his arms.

“No one invited you, Suho!” Xiumin laughed.

“Shut up, or I’m returning the presents.”

“Please take a seat,” Kai motioned for him to sit, and they all laughed.

“Why did you have to bring Peckles though? I see him enough when I go through your wallet,” Baekhyun said.

“Excuse you,” Suho took Peckles from Kris’s arms. “This is Kris and I’s child. He even has a gift. Of course he is also invited to social gatherin- Wait you’ve been through my wall-“

“Let’s sing some Christmas carols!” Lay interrupted and festive music.

Kai rolled his eyes, the music hopping and the chorus fast approaching. “We’re all adult men, Lay, do you think we’re really going to sing-“

“Rocking around the Christmas tree...”

Despite what Kai had said, all of them jumped in and sang at the right time. They laughed, completely embarrassed and confused.

They continued to sing, and Lay distributed the presents from under the tree and from Suho’s bag. Baekhyun’s phone sounded and he reached for it, smiling when he saw a message from Chanyeol.

He answered it, yelping in pain when Peckles pulled on his hair with his beak.

They opened their presents and were not surprised to be disappointed. Every year, Suho gifed them something useless, and this year was no different. Baekhyun had received a pair of glasses, and he wasn’t even the slightest bit blind. Kai had gotten a lab coat, Xiumin, a mug in the shape of a chicken that closely resembled Peckles, and Lay, a black studded belt (). The only that received a present worth anything was Kris, who had gotten a new watch.

“Thanks, Suho, you shouldn’t have.” He took it out of the box, admiring the quality. “This is totally my style.”

Suho fussed over him. “Here, let me see if it fits. I thought it matched your eyes.”

Baekhyun and Kai met each other’s eyes and gagged.

After that Lay handed out the real gifts that he chose for everyone. It was to be expected- Lay could always read minds. Baekhyun got a fancy new sweater, Kai got some new black combat boots; Xiumin, a bag of special coffee beans from Sumatra; Suho, a new woolen scarf, and Kris, some designer sunglasses.

They all hugged Lay gratefully and decided to watch some Christmas movies.

Baekhyun checked his messages from Chanyeol and watched as everyone snuggled under blankets together as they turned off the lights and began the movie.

He typed a quick message to Chanyeol to meet him outside of the orphanage at around midnight. They usually didn’t last long enough to make it through two movies, so Baekhyun planned to sneak out once everyone had fallen asleep.

The movie started, and everyone sat comfortably with their tissues ready. They were assassins, but they loved a good tear- jerker here and there. Baekhyun was usually the one who held everyone when they cried, but now, he expected to cry himself.

Suddenly they heard a sinister theme playing, and they all were confused.

“Okay, who the heck put on A Nightmare on Elm Street?!”

They all laughed as Xiumin sheepishly changed the channel to A Miracle on 34th Street. “I heard you say something about a street.”

“A horror movie on Christmas?!"

They all settled back in, and half of them were snoring the first 5 minutes in. Kai managed to spill his eggnog on himself, Kris and Suho (cradling Peckles in their arms) leaned against each other as they snored, and Xiumin, Baekhyun, and Lay were the only ones who had lasted.

By the time the movie ended, Baekhyun was the only one still awake. Lay had been resting his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder, and he moved as quietly and as silently as he could to not wake him. He put on his coat and a red scarf and tiptoed out the door, nearly forgetting to grab Chanyeol’s gift, which he had hidden behind the curtain.

Baekhyun walked in the cold, wrapping his scarf tightly around his mouth. He clutched Chanyeol’s gift to his chest, and as he approached the orphanage, he shot Chanyeol a text.

He waited by the gates, shivering. He saw Chanyeol’s shadowy form make his way from the backyard to the gates.

Baekhyun smiled, his face warming at the sight of Chanyeol’s smile. Chanyeol walked towards him excitedly, his coat slightly open, showing his black turtleneck.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun hugged, and Baekhyun savored Chanyeol’s warmth and firm chest. He could hear Chanyeol’s heartbeat underneath his sweater, beating rapidly just for him.

“You’re excited to see me, aren’t you?” Baekhyun laughed.

“You can tell?”

“Your heartbeat doesn’t lie.”

Chanyeol gently shoved him away, but Baekhyun tightened his grip. “I’m not letting you go.”

Baekhyun separated from him slightly and zipped up Chanyeol’s coat. “It’s literally snowing out here and you didn’t even close your coat correctly.”

“I guess you’re just going to have to warm me up then,” Chanyeol said and unwinded Baekhyun’s scarf. He wrapped it around the two of them, their faces centimeters apart.

“It’s the red thread of fate wrapped around us, Baek," Chanyeol said, and Baekhyun’s breath caught in his throat at the way Chanyeol’s eyes sparkled.

They kissed, and although Baekhyun was freezing, Chanyeol’s lips brought an exhilarating sensation of warmth to his body. Their kiss was sweet and intoxicating; Baekhyun could feel himself dizzying at Chanyeol’s touch. It was raw and genuine, and all of the love Baekhyun felt for Chanyeol was reflected through their lips.

They parted, and Baekhyun’s lips lingered at Chanyeol’s, their breaths mingling. He wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s neck, and they swayed from side to side.

“So what were you doing right now?” Baekhyun asked.

“Well, every Christmas all of the kids get together and we stay up late, play games, sing carols, and drink a ton of eggnog. Then, Santa Claus comes to visit and delivers gifts to the little kiddos and eats a whole bunch of gingerbread cookies. “

“Who dresses up as Santa?”

“It’s me,” Chanyeol laughs sheepishly. “I put on a fake beard and belly and everything. I just changed out of the costume.”

“No way!” Baekhyun laughs. “Are you serious?”

“Yup. Last year a kid puked on me. I had to bathe afterward and spent the rest of the night shivering in my room because of the cold.”

“How did you get away from the kids right now?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “The little devils are asleep on the rug. The nuns are passed out with their spiked eggnog upstairs. It was pretty easy. What about you?”

Baekhyun froze. “Well, everybody was asleep too. All of my brothers and I were watching Christmas movies, and they can’t last through it - so they passed out, too.”

“So it’s just you and your brothers?” Chanyeol asks. “You don’t talk much about your home.”

Baekhyun sighed. “It’s complicated. My parents stayed in America and send money to us every month, so I just live here with my brothers. They’re all in college and working.”

“How many of you are there?”

“5, but two of them are actually my cousins. Their parents went to Japan with my grandmother, so they’re staying with us too.”

“Wow,” Chanyeol smiled. “Must get pretty hectic with a lot of boys around, huh?”

“You got it,” Baekhyun rolled his eyes. “The place is a mess 24/7. They tear everything up, and it’s usually me that has to clean everything up.”

Chanyeol nodded and then his eyes widened. “Oh, I nearly forgot. I have your Christmas present.” He turned around and picked up a bag off of the ground.

“Chanyeol, you shouldn’t have,” Baekhyun said.

“Of course I would have gotten you something,” Chanyeol said, tousling Baekhyun’s hair. “You’re my boyfriend and it’s Christmas. We're finally spending it together, anyway." Baekhyun took it gratefully, and Chanyeol urged him to open it. Baekhyun smiled as he unwrapped a package of books. “Stephen King’s collection of best-selling books... thank you so much!” He hugged Chanyeol, unable to contain his happiness.

“I remembered that time I was stupid and said Stephen King was a classic author the first time we met,” Chanyeol said. “So I decided to get you his books.”

“Thank you, Chanyeol. It means so much to me,” Baekhyun said, letting go of Chanyeol to grab the package he had leaned against the gate. “I got you something too, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol took the big package in awe, unwrapping it with his mouth open in surprise. “Baekhyun…no way!"

He took out a guitar, beautiful and brand new. He strummed it, his face glowing joyously, but his face fell. "Baekhyun, this is too much...I can’t accept this. It must have been expensive.”

“It’s a gift, you’re supposed to accept it.” Baekhyun said, shrugging, face red. “It’s the least I can do for you. Idiot.”

Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun on the cheek, laughing.

“Thank you so much. I feel like an giving you books for Christmas.”

“No, I really appreciate it. Now, the only thing you have to do is sing and play for me one day. I bet listening to you singing would be heavenly.”

Chanyeol held Baekhyun to his chest. “Thank you for everything, Baekhyun. This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

“Nah, it sounds like last years was pretty lit. Getting puked on is exciting.”

Chanyeol smacked Baekhyun. “Shut up. It was traumatizing.”

They sat down against the gate, leaning against each other, Baekhyun’s red scarf wrapped around the both of them. Chanyeol strummed his guitar and Baekhyun read Carrie, tangled together under the falling Christmas snow.

*

Kyungsoo looked at himself in the mirror. He had changed what he was wearing at least 14 times. He was wearing a loose-fitting T-shirt and jeans along with a black baseball cap, but contemplated changing again when his phone rang.

Kyungsoo pounced on it and felt his stomach flip when he saw it was Jongin.

“Hey, are you ready?” Jongin asked. Kyungsoo could hear the smile in his voice.

Kyungsoo nodded. “Yeah, I’ll meet you there by the doors."

Kyungsoo said goodbye to Jongin and hung up the phone, squeaking. Today was the best day of his life. Today was the day of his BTS concert, and he was going with Jongin. He had managed to snag another ticket for Jongin just in time, and he was be going to be with his favorite people in the world, Jongin included.

Kyungsoo’s heart fluttered as he looked at himself in the mirror one more time. “Can you consider this our first date?” He asked himself shyly.

Kyungsoo smiled and dashed out the door, called a short goodbye to his parents, and got in a car that was waiting outside. He gave the driver directions to the arena and could hardly sit down.

The arena was packed. The driver dropped him off in front. Kyungsoo got off and saw Jongin waiting by the doors. He looked perfect, even as he stood by an overflowing trashcan, hands stuck in his jean jacket pockets and breaths coming out in short clouds. Kyungsoo dashed towards him.

Jongin’s face lit up at the sight of him. “Hey, Kyung. Are you ready?”

Kyungsoo smiled, nodding. “Yeah. I’m so excited that we can go together.”

“Same,” Jongin laughed. “Let’s go get our seats.”

They walked in together and found their seats that were near the front. They sat and talked before the show started, and staring into Jongin’s eyes, Kyungsoo could feel himself falling deeper.

*

The concert finished and Kyungsoo and Jongin emerged from the arena astounded.

“Oh my god, that was amazing! Did you see the way Jimin was dancing tonight, oh my lord!” Kyungsoo screeched.

Jongin laughed. “Oh my god I know! Like who gave him permission to do that? That is illegal!!”

They walked away from the arena and into the downtown area, where they stumbled upon an ice cream shop. 

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo tugged on Jongin’s arm. “Let’s get ice cream.”

They walked into the shop, and Jongin paid for both ice cream cones.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo said, trying to hand his card to the cashier. “I have more than enough to buy them.”

Jongin shook his head and swatted his hand away. “No, let me treat you.”

Kyungsoo’s face reddened and he put his card away. Jongin was hot and a gentleman. God, Kyungsoo would be insane not to fall for him.

The cashier handed them their ice cream and they ate it as they walked home.

“Jongin, what is Australia like?” Kyungsoo asked him, watching Jongin as he ate his ice cream.

“It was nice. It was pretty diverse, almost as much as America.”

“Can you speak English?” Kyungsoo asked.

Jongin laughed. “Yeah, but not very well. My Korean accent is terrible. I hardly had any friends because of that.”

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo blurted. “You’re handsome as hell!”

Jongin laughed shyly. “You think I’m handsome?”

“Of course. I mean have you looked in the mirror?” Kyungsoo was babbling now, just shoveling ice cream into his mouth as fast as he could. “Are you blind or something? You’re really good looking. You’re a dummy if you don’t know that. Idiot. You’re a very hot idiot.”

Jongin smiled at Kyungsoo. “Wow, that was the first time I was told I was handsome so aggressively.”

Kyungsoo looked away. “There’s a first time for everything.”

Jongin smirked amusedly. “So you think I’m handsome?”

Kyungsoo covered his red face with his hands. “Please stop tormenting me. I don’t deserve this disrespect.”

“Well…I think you’re really cute yourself.”

Kyungsoo peeked at Jongin between his fingers. “W-What did you say?”

“I said you’re really cute.”

Kyungsoo was taken aback. He averted his eyes to the ground as they walked. His heart beat rapidly, and his face grew hot.

Jongin…

Thinks I’m cute…?

“Th-Thanks,” Kyungsoo said nervously.

“You’re the real idiot here, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo looked up. “What…?”

Jongin looked at him with a glint in his eyes. “You’ve got ice cream all over your face, you idiot.”

Before Kyungsoo could even react, Jongin had already reached over and kissed him.

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened, and he dropped his ice cream in surprise. Jongin’s lips were cold because of the ice cream; they tasted like chocolate. Kyungsoo’s heart nearly leaped out of his chest.

Jongin was kissing him?

Was this really happening?

Kyungsoo fluttered his eyes closed and leaned into Jongin. His lips pressed against the other man's felt oddly familiar. Jongin smelled really good, like sugar and coconut. Kissing Jongin was oddly addictive, and he couldn’t resist sighing in pleasure.

When they finally separated, their cheeks were cutely brushed with pink dust.

Jongin smiled at Kyungsoo and took out a napkin from his pocket. “You’re still a little dirty. I tried my best to clean it as much as I could.”

He wiped Kyungsoo’s face and handed him the napkin he was done. He walked away from Kyungsoo down the street they had stopped at.

“This is my stop.” He said, walking backward to face Kyungsoo. He smirked and gave Kyungsoo a wink. “See ya.”

And with that, he left. Kyungsoo stared at the napkin Jongin had given him, really utterly confused.

Was Jongin playing with him?!

*

Once the holidays were over, Baekhyun got up to go to school, more ready than he had ever been before. Now that he had restored things with Chanyeol, he was more eager to see him than ever. Almost losing him once was enough, and now that they were back together, Baekhyun wasn’t taking any chances.

Baekhyun came to school with two cups of coffee in his hand. He found Chanyeol sitting in the same place as always.

Baekhyun walked up to him to find him fast asleep against the bench. Baekhyun nearly laughed out loud but decided to scare him awake. He got really close to his face and breathed on him slightly.

Chanyeol’s face twitched, and he opened his eyes, nearly jumping a mile high at the sight of Baekhyun.

“Jesus Christ!” He screamed, and Baekhyun doubled over in laughter.

Chanyeol stared Baekhyun down and Baekhyun wiped at his eyes, plopping down beside Chanyeol. “Sorry, that was really funny.”

Chanyeol narrowed his eyes at him, took one of the coffee cups, and took a swig out of it.

“Damn it, Chanyeol, you took my cup. I love the taste of adderall in my coffee.”

Chanyeol smacked his lips together. “You’re not fooling me with that again.”

“No, but for real, that time I was more than sure a fly had flown into my cup.”

Chanyeol rolled his eyes and dug in his pocket for something. “Okay, so basically I stayed up all night last night writing this. Check it out.” He took out a CD and handed it to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun read the writing on the CD and blushed. “Chanyeol…” He said, smiling. “Thank you." 

Chanyeol grinned and ruffled Bakehyun’s hair. “I'm just doing my favorite thing in the world: professing my love for you."

Baekhyun tucked the CD into his sweater pocket as the bell rang. He took Chanyeol’s hand in his and they walked to class together like a normal, sappy high school couple.

“Don’t fall asleep in Mrs. Kim’s class again, Park. You’re not going to get better at Physics that way,” Baekhyun nagged.

Chanyeol nodded. “Thanks, mom.”

Baekhyun laughed, and they separated to get to class. He smiled to himself as he walked through the door of his first class. He had missed Chanyeol, and it was so great to have him back.

*

The bell rang for dismissal, and Baekhyun waited for Chanyeol outside of his class. They walked outside together and were in the courtyard when Baekhyun’s phone rung.

Baekhyun checked the caller ID and was surprised to find it was Suho. Baekhyun frowned and answered the call. It was unusual for Suho to call him unless it was urgent.

Millions of possibilities ran through his head as he heard Suho’s voice on the other line.

“Baekhyun?”

“Yes?”

“A car is at school to pick you up. You’re being summoned.”

Baekhyun’s blood ran cold, and he hung up the line to see a black car parked just in sight of his peripheral vision.

Baekhyun let go of Chanyeol’s hand abruptly. “I’m sorry Chanyeol, something just came up.” He explained, waving a quick goodbye and racing for the car.

“Wait, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol called after him, but Baekhyun couldn’t turn around.

Baekhyun got inside of the car and kept himself from looking out of the window. He didn’t think he could bear seeing Chanyeol’s face right now.

The car zoomed fast down the streets, taking a familiar route to the ominous building Baekhyun dreaded going to every single time.

The chauffeur opened the door for him and escorted him into the lobby. The secretary was already standing by Mr. Lee’s door, waiting for him.

“060592, Mr. Lee is waiting for you.”

Baekhyun approached the room apprehensively and took a deep breath as he wrapped his hand around the door knob. He walked into the room, Mr. Lee standing behind his chair in front of the red curtains. The atmosphere made him nearly choke. It was full of tension - truly unsettling.

“060592, how are you?” Mr. Lee’s voice was oddly calm, and it gave Baekhyun shivers. He never tried to act caring to his workers. This was not a good sign.

“Fine. What is this about?”

Mr. Lee chuckled. “Very quick to the point at hand, aren’t you, 060592? That’s what I’ve always liked about you. Except that skill of yours seems to be faltering, isn’t it?”

Baekhyun’s stomach dropped. This couldn’t be what this was about, was it?

“September 15, 2016, you were assigned the job to kill high school student, Park Chanyeol, correct?” Mr. lee continued, his lips in a firm line. “It’s January 14th. You were forced to befriend him, then strike. You have always been very quick about your missions... strategic, but concise. What has happened, 060592?”

Baekhyun couldn’t meet his eyes. He clenched and unclenched his fists as he tried to calm himself down.

Baekhyun was aware of Mr. Lee walking around his chair, a shark circling around his prey. 

“What is taking you so long 060592? Or should I say, Byun Baekhyun?” Mr. Lee spat.

Baekhyun shuddered. His own name sounded like venom on Mr. Lee’s tongue.

“Why isn’t he dead? Did you become good friends? Or something more?”

Baekhyun flinched and Mr. Lee snorted. “My very best assassin, defeated by a silly concept. Do you feel any shame?”

“060592. Look at me.” Baekhyun raised his eyes to meet cold, emotionless eyes.

“Look at you. Pitiful and broken by something like love. In order to be a killer, you need to abandon your humanity. Did we not teach you well? Must we revisit your training once more?"

Flashbacks of blood, torture, and screams came to Baekhyun, and he gripped the arms of his chair, vigorously shaking his head. “No, sir.”

“060592...I want Park Chanyeol dead, and I want him dead now.”

Baekhyun traced Mr. Lee’s veins with his eyes. “If you don’t kill him, I will expose your identity and your mission, and I will tear him limb from limb with my own bare hands. With you watching."

Mr. Lee shoved the doors open and left the room with a flutter of his coat. “Park Chanyeol will be dead by the end of next week. Choose wisely."

Baekhyun was left alone in Mr. Lee’s office, trying to compose himself. He couldn't stop trembling, and every time he closed his eyes he was overwhelmed with an infuriating amount of guilt and dread, accompanied with the pang of Chanyeol's smile against his heart. 

The love of his life was dying before his eyes, slowly rotting from the inside out, and there was no way he could he stop it.

Baekhyun left the room, unsteady and completely shattered as the words written on the CD Chaneyol had given him played in his ears like an aimless mantra.

For my love, Byun Baekhyun

Eternally yours