Tell me how to feel about you now

Tell me how to feel about you now

Oh, let me know

Do I suffocate or let go?

Tell Me How- Paramore

chapter playlist

Tao walked into the dark warehouse, the place where he had been spending most of his days after turning rogue. The darkness had become a source of power to him; he had the ability to control all of the happenings here. Tao held Baekhyun’s life in the palms of his hand-  and he could twist, pull, or break it however he liked. That was what he enjoyed the most.

He walked to the western wall where Baekhyun had been imprisoned for the past four days. Tao sat in front of Baekhyun, watching him mumble in his sleep. Here he was, finally doing justice for his family. Baekhyun was suffering by his hands, and he was finally avenging what had happened that night four years ago.

Baekhyun stirred as if he sensed his presence, his eyes fluttering open.

Tao the knife he had been sharpening for the past few months. It had an irresistible gleam, razor sharp to the touch; when he finally plunged it into Baekhyun’s body, it would be stained with the beautiful crimson of vengeance. Tao savored in the idea of the insanely clean cut it would make on Baekhyun’s body.  

Baekhyun stared up at him.

The boy was in bad shape, which was Tao’s work. His face was bruised and sickly pale, decorated with patches of green and purple. His eyes had beaten swollen shut and dried blood lined his cheeks and nose. His lips were white and chapped, still bleeding profusely. The rest of his body was bruised as well from the small slivers of skin Tao could see from under his shirt.  His clothes hung loosely to his body due to the lack of nourishment. Byun Baekhyun was suffering, indeed.

Tao stood up above Baekhyun. His eyes followed him lazily. 

“You’re probably wondering why I’ve brought you here and why you are being punished," Tao spoke. He had prepared this speech, and it had taken time to perfect every single detail. He had planned this for years, and now, he would finally carry out his worthy retribution.

“September 12, four years ago.” Tao’s voice was steady. “Do you remember Beijing?”

Baekhyun closed his eyes in thought. After a moment, he spoke. His voice was hoarse, for he had stopped talking for a while when he had given up trying to escape.

“No.”

A low chuckle rumbled from Tao’s chest. “A man by the name of Huang Zexian. You killed him. That man was my father.”

Tao’s grip on the knife tightened. “September 12th, 2013. The day you murdered my father. 2:43 AM, September 12, 2013. You broke into our home. You injected a drug into my father’s mouth to mimic the effects of a heart attack. You wore gloves. 2:47 AM, you fled the scene through the window in my parents’ bedroom. Everything was done without a sound.”

Tao’s voice cracked. “M-My father was killed without a sound. He was gone without a sound.”

Baekhyun stared at him blankly.

Tao was furious; his hold on the knife grew tighter as he raised his arm. “You murdered my father!” He shouted. “My father, damn it! My only family!”

He spoke between clenched teeth and took a step closer to Baekhyun. “I trained and tracked you down over the past four years for my revenge.”

He took a step closer, standing directly over Baekhyun now. “And now, I will get my revenge.”

Baekhyun stared up at him, and Tao’s hand quivered, the knife in his grip shaking. Tao couldn’t believe it. Here he was, weapon poised above Baekhyun, ready to kill the person he had harbored burning hate towards for the past four years, and he couldn’t move. Staring at Baekhyun’s broken, bloody body before him…he did not feel the satisfaction he had been waiting 4 years for.

Instead, he felt emptiness.

Despite all the torture he was inflicting on Baekhyun... 

His hunger for justice was not fulfilled.

Before Tao could lower his arm, Baekhyun spoke.

“I’m sorry.”

Tao was bewildered. “W-What did you say?”

Baekhyun looked into Tao’s eyes. He was met with the hollow eyes of misery. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I killed your father. I’m sorry. I didn’t understand what love was back then. I didn’t know the torment I was inflicting on people and the effects of my actions. I didn’t understand what I was doing to people... or what feelings really were. In my world, it was nothing other than my job.”

Baekhyun took a deep breath, his speech leaving him breathless. Tao dropped his knife. It clattered on the floor.

Baekhyun hung his head. “I understand, Tao. I understand you now. I understand the unrivaled pain you must have been through. I’m sorry that I put you through that, and I understand now firsthand, what pain really is.”

Baekhyun looked up, and Tao was speechless at the sight of tears making tracks down his grimy face. “I understand because...I have to kill the one I love.”

Baekhyun cried, and Tao was overwhelmed with emotion. He crouched to his knees and hugged Baekhyun. He came to tears himself, and they both cried, their sobs echoing off the empty walls.

“I’m sorry I did this to you, Baekhyun,” Tao said. “I thought it would help me overcome the loss of my father, but it didn’t. I’m sorry.”

Tao grabbed the knife on the floor a few feet away and cut Baekhyun loose from his restraints. The two of them cried in the dark space together, both for different reasons. 

Tao was finally throwing away his years-long grief, and Baekhyun was sorry for everything he had ever done.

At that moment, Baekhyun exploded and proceeded to tell Tao everything that he had been going through over the past few months. It rushed out of him like a broken dam, and he vented everything, from his mission to his love for Chanyeol to the party.

When he was finished, Baekhun felt a bit lighter. “Tao…” he asked. “I don’t know what to do, and that’s because I don’t have any other choice.”

“Baekhyun,” Tao said. “I can’t tell you what to do. This is a heavy decision, and I can’t decide for you. But...just do what you feel is right. You love Chanyeol, and you’ve hurt him. In the end...it’s what you truly want inside. Ignoring him and avoiding him only puts pressure on your relationship, and that would have made killing him difficult knowing that he thought you were killing him out of hate. Would that be more cruel? For him to die at your hands thinking you loved him? The real question is whether you want to fix this relationship and enjoy the short amount of time with him you have left, or leave it ruined and end his life on a cruel note?”

Baekhyun thought about this. He didn’t know what to say. He laughed softly. “For a big idiot, you’re wise, Tao.”

Tao laughed and helped Baekhyun stand. “Come on, I’ll help you get dressed and cleaned up.

Tao helped Baekhyun bathe away all of the dirt and blood, cleaning up the wounds he inflicted upon him. He provided Baekhyun with some clean clothes and bandaged the cuts on his face and wrists.

“Your ribs are bruised and you’re pretty banged up,” Tao said to Baekhyun once he was ready to go. “But I think you’ll heal just fine.”

Tao walked Baekhyun out and Baekhyun found he had been in an abandoned warehouse not far from the dormitory. 

“Baekhyun, would you mind seeing me off?” Tao asked. He carried his luggage with him.

“You’re leaving?” Baekhyun asked. 

Tao nodded. “There’s no use in me being here anymore.”

They rode a taxi to the airport. Tao bought the last ticket to a direct flight to Beijing that was leaving in about 20 minutes.

Baekhyun and Tao stood at the terminal. “You can get home fine, right Baekhyun?” Tao asked. 

Baekhyun nodded. “Yeah, don’t worry about me.”

After a moment, they hugged each other. “If you ever need some help in China, give me a call okay?”

Tao walked away, waving a goodbye. “Thank you, Byun Baekhyun. I’m finally free.” With one last, genuine smile, he disappeared, and was gone.

Baekhyun smiled and walked away slowly, hands in his pocket. Every step was a hassle, but he was glad that Tao had finally let go of his baggage.

Baekhyun called for a taxi to take him to a nearby place close to the dormitory. Tao had kept him for around 4 days in the abandoned warehouse, and he was glad to feel the sun on his skin. In the taxi, Baekhyun checked his cellphone, which Tao had given back to him. He found he had many missed calls from everyone: Kai, Lay, Xiumin, Jongdae, and Kyungsoo. His heart dropped a little bit when he didn’t see Chanyeol’s name on the list. Of course he shouldn’t have expected that. They had broken up, after all. But during his time imprisoned, Baekhyun had hoped that Chanyeol would reach out to him. 

Baekhyun shook his head and began to decide who to call back first. He was perplexed at the amount of calls he had from Jongdae and Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo never called him, yet he had called him 12 times, and Jongdae had called him 38 times.

Baekhyun called back Jongdae. After at least one ring, Jongdae picked up.

“Baekhyun?” Jongdae asked. “Where are you?”

Baekhyun didn’t know what excuse to give him. “I-I got caught up in something. Why?” 

“For four days?” Baekhyun could practically see Jongdae rolling his eyes. “Whatever, I’m used to this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an undercover agent at this point.”

Baekhyun laughed, a little nervous inside. 

“Anyway…” Jongdae went quiet. “I don’t know if you want to hear this, but I’ll tell you anyways. I know you still care for Chanyeol, deep inside. Feelings like that never die. Since you were gone, Chanyeol hasn’t been doing so great. Actually...he’s in the hospital.”

Baehyun’s heart stopped. A million scenarios ran through his mind in one split second. Chanyeol, upset at his breakup with Bakehyun, attempting to commit suicide. Chanyeol, unaware of his actions, getting hit by a car. Chanyeol, falling into a dark hole somewhere. Chanyeol, getting mugged by some bad men on the dark streets.

“What happened?” Baekhyun clutched his phone. “Where is he?”

“Just come, Baekhyun. He really needs to see your face.”

Baekhyun told the taxi driver to change directions to the hospital, unable to control his erratic breathing.

“Chanyeol…!”

Baekhyun ignored the pain in his ribs as he ran out of the taxi, threw a wad of bills at the driver, and ran into the hospital.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo were waiting for him. Their eyes widened at Baekhyun’s unsightly appearance. 

“Baekhyun, what happened? Your voice sounded funny on the phone, but…” Jongdae said.

Baekhyun shook his head. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Where’s Chanyeol?”

Jongdae led him to the elevators. He pressed the button for the floor of the ICU.

Baekhyun sighed, tapping his foot impatiently. 

“Baekhyun, I’m sorry about Friday night,” Kyungsoo said, meeting Baekhyun’s eyes. “I wasn’t aware of my actions.”

Baekhyun weakly smiled. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

They reached the floor, and Baekhyun raced out of the elevator. Jongdae and Kyungsoo led Baekhyun down the corridor and stopped in front of a door. 

Jongdae pointed. “This is Chanyeol’s room. They’re allowing visitors now.”

They allowed for Baekhyun to open the door. Baekhyun’s hand shook, but he turned the knob and took a step inside.

Baekhyun caught his breath at the sight of Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol’s body was riddled with tubes, with a tube up his nose and an IV. His body was sickly pale; his lips, white.

Baekhyun walked slowly up to him, unable to control himself, and began bawling.

Jongdae wrapped his arm around Baekhyun. “They found him on the side of the road the morning after the party. The doctors said he hyperventilated and had a severe asthma attack. He’s still unconscious.”

Kyungsoo pulled up a chair for Baekhyun to sit down. “The doctors said he was improving, and he should wake up and be able to breathe on his own soon.”

Baekhyun sat beside Chanyeol. Jongdae grabbed Kyungsoo and headed toward the door. “We’ll leave you two alone.”

Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol’s face. He traced his fingers over Chanyeol’s cheekbone and moved his bands out of his forehead. Baekhyun jumped at the contact of his cold skin. He searched through his jacket pockets and took out a lip balm stick Tao had given him and rubbed it on Chanyeol’s lips. 

Baekhyun searched for Chanyeol’s hand under the sheets. He helped his hand to his lips and closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun said, trying to prevent his voice from shaking. “I’m sorry I put you through this, Chanyeol. I made such a big, stupid mistake. I was scared. I was really scared of loving someone. I was selfish and insecure and disregarded your feelings. I’m sorry that I did this to you. I’m sorry... I’m so sorry.”

Baekhyun squeezed Chanyeol’s hand. “I love you, Chanyeol. I never stopped loving you. I will always love you. There is nothing that will ever stop me from loving you. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t expect you to take me back - because I don’t deserve that. But I hope, one day, that we can work things out.”

Baekhyun lightly chuckled. “I don’t suppose you can hear me, but, I’m going to continue anyway. Park Chanyeol, I’m a stupid kid who is still in love with you. If you can hear me, please know that I’ll never leave your side again.”

Baekhyun sighed and reached his hand over and gingerly kissed Chanyeol’s forehead, each cheek, his eyelids, nose, and then he hesitated over his lips. He closed his eyes and slowly placed his lips on him and pulled away. 

Baekhyun rested his head, still holding Chanyeol’s hand, crying. 

Suddenly, Chanyeol stirred. Baekhyun jumped, his heart racing. “C-Chanyeol! Are you awake?”

“Why am I wet?” His hoarse voice rang out. 

Baekhyun laughed. Chanyeol’s eyes fluttered open and landed on Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun was immersed in a deep, sparkling brown, and his face fell.

“C-Chanyeol... I’m sorry. I suppose you don’t want to see me.”

Baekhyun, face ashen turned back to leave, but Chanyeol’s hand pulled on his and he pressed Baekhyun’s head to his chest.

Chanyeol Baekhyun’s head, his eyes wide. “Who said that?” Chanyeol asked.

Baekhyun stuttered. “I-I’m-”

“I heard every word, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said. 

Baekhyun lifted his head. “You did?”

“Of course. I was awake. I just wanted to see how long I could b.s. my way into getting free food.”

Baekhyun smacked Chanyeol’s arm. “!”

Chanyeol laughed, and Baekhyun realized how much he had missed it. “I’m just kidding. I did hear everything you said though, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun was quiet. “I’m sorry, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol, with the little strength he had, pinched Baekhyun’s cheek. “I could never hate you Baekhyun. I love you, and I always will. I forgive you. I know you’ve been through a lot, and you were unsure. But please, just know there is no reason to be afraid. I love you so much, and I will never hurt you.”

Baekhyun closed his eyes and smiled. “I missed you Chanyeol. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Baek.” Chanyeol said, ruffling Baekhyun’s hair. “I’ve never been so happy to see your face. By the way, why does it look like you were hit by a bus?”

Baekhyun shoved Chanyeol. “Shut up! I was, but it was actually a car.”

“W-What?!”

Baekhyun stood up a bit too quick. He winced and ran for the door. “Everybody was really worried about you Chanyeol. Jongdae and Kyungsoo are outside, let me get them.”

Baekhyun brought in Jongdae and Kyungsoo and the room erupted in cheers and screams. Chanyeol was jumped on by Kyungsoo and Jongdae, and the room was filled with joy.

At the sight of the happy reunion, Baekhyun was suddenly reminded of the situation at home. Baekhyun moved toward the door and locked eyes with Chanyeol. He waved a goodbye, blew him a kiss, and winked. After blushing out of embarrassment, he left the room silently and called the person he thought would be most sensible at the moment: Lay.

Baekhyun held his phone to his ear and walked down the corridor and into the elevator. Lay answered almost as quickly as Jongdae had.

Baekhyun heard Lay’s soft voice on the other line, laced with worry. “Baekhyun, is that you?”

“Yes.” Baekhyun answered.

Lay sighed in relief. “Oh my goodness, Baekhyun, where have you been? We’ve all been worried sick!”

Baekhyun heard muffled voices on the other side and identified them as Kai and Xiumin’s shouts.

“Hold on, I’m going to put you on speaker.” Lay said, and he could clearly hear the others’ voices.

“Baekhyun, what in the actual heck!!” Kai screamed. “Where have you been? You better come home right now or else I’ll smack your face into next Thursday-”

“Baekhyun! What happened?” Xiumin butted in.

“I’m sorry guys,” Baekhyun spoke quickly, holding the phone away from his ear as it rung from the loud sounds. “I’m on my way home right now. I’ll explain when I get there.”

“We’ll make some food!” Lay piped up. “You must be hungry, Baek. We’ll be waiting!”

Baekhyun’s mouth watered, and his stomach cramped at the mention of food. He hung up the phone and called for a taxi. He arrived home in about 20 minutes and was greeted with the smell of home-cooked food.

“Woah, it smells really good!” Baekhyun sighed happily.

As soon as he took a step through the door he was nearly tackled to the floor. Baekhyun caught a flying Kai in his arms, and Xiumin pushed him into the door. Lay wrestled Baekhyun to the floor in a big bear hug and Baekhyun caught sight of Suho jumping onto the dog pile. 

Baekhyun laughed, the wind completely knocked out of him. “Thanks for the welcome home, guys.”

Someone accidentally kneed his injured side and Baekhyun yelped. “Guys, my ribs are hurt, please be gentle!”

Those words seem to be a repellent and Baekhyun was immediately free from the imbroglio of crushing limbs. Suho helped Baekhyun up as he clutched his side. “What happened, Baekhyun?”

“Who broke your ribs? I swear I will get my hands on them.” Kai cracked his knuckles.

“They’ll heal,” Baekhyun said. “I’ll tell you about it after dinner.”

Kris had been awkwardly standing in the corner during this happy reunion, but at the slight mention of food, he hummed. “Yes, please, I’m starving."

Suho smacked the back of his head. “You insensitive . Our beloved friend just went through a terrible experience. Be more thoughtful.”

Kris whined and Baekhyun laughed. “It’s fine, I’m hungry too. I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”

At the sound of that Baekhyun was rushed to the table. Lay piled his plate high with roasted chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and every single thing Baekhyun could possibly eat. Lay even went as far as to search through the cupboard and open random cans of food and placed them in front of Baekhyun with a spoon.

Everyone sat around Baekhyun and began to eat. “We were all so worried about you.” Xiumin said, sipping from a cup. “Especially Kai. He wanted to just tear off and search for you.”

“I did though,” Kai said, chewing on a chicken bone. “I went to your school and questioned people.”

“Oh my god,” Baekhyun choked. “Who did you- Wait, never mind I don’t even want to know.” 

Baekhyun was buzzing in happiness to finally be home. He didn’t know how lucky he was to have people who loved him until they were gone. 

He ate to his heart’s content, and the room was full of excited and happy chatter. After he was pleasantly full and sure he had gained back a few pounds, Baekhyun sat in the living room, being careful with his ribs.

“Tell us what happened.” Xiumin demanded. “Why are you in such a bad shape?”

Everyone gathered around him, eager to hear his story.

Baekhyun let out a deep breath and proceeded to explain what had happened to him over the past few days. He made sure to leave out the parts about the party and his emotional trauma.

Once he was finished, everybody seemed to have a response. 

“Tao,” Xiumin rolled his eyes and banged his fist on the ground. “I always knew there was something sketchy about that fuc-”

“Baekhyun, you’ll have to rest.” Suho’s medically inclined motherly side was activated. “Your ribs need to heal properly. Can you tell how many hurt you? Do you feel any pain anywhere else? Is it difficult to breathe?”

“The car braked and nearly came to a full stop before it hit me, so the impact wasn’t too hard. It’s only about one or two ribs anyway, and I think they’re bruised.”

Suho nodded. “I think it’s best if you rest.”

“We’re glad you’re back.” Kai said, smiling. “We missed you.”

“So am I.” Baekhyun took a deep breath. "Everything seems to be falling into place doesn’t it?”

After it had grown late, Baekhyun retired to his bedroom and laid in bed after taking a few painkillers.

He closed his eyes, dwelling on the past few days’ happenings.

Baekhyun had fixed things with Chanyeol, and everything seemed to be going spectacularly.

But somehow…there was something in Baekhyun that still felt unsettled.