There is not a single word, in the whole world

That could describe the hurt

The dullest knife just sawing and back and forth

And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

I Hate to See Your Heart Break- Paramore

chapter playlist 

Baekhyun woke up with a pounding in his head. Sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows - a serene blue.

He tried to sit up, but he decided not to when he felt his stomach roil in protest and noticed he was seeing double. Baekhyun groaned and fell back to the bed, feeling his forehead to find a warm, damp bandage wrapped around his head. He turned his head to see Lay sleeping in the corner, knees pulled up to his chest, shoulders tense.

“Lay?” Baekhyun called out his senior’s name, his voice raspy.

Lay jumped up, eyes fluttering quickly. “Baekhyun! You’re awake!" He ran to Baekhyun’s bedside and pushed down on his chest lightly when Baekhyun tried to sit up again. “Don’t move, you have a concussion.”

Baekhyun recalled the events of the past night and grimaced. “Stupid bathtub,” he cursed aloud.

Lay laughed slightly. “Yeah, that bathtub was a real match for you. I’ve never seen you bleed so much before…” Lay hesitated. “And in such a bad emotional state.”

Baekhyun didn't respond. “I’m going to redress your bandages, okay?” Lay said, reaching for the first aid kit on the nightstand. “I’m going to need you to sit up for a bit. Can you manage?” Lay assisted in helping Baekhyun sit up, resting his hands on his shoulders.

“Xiumin and I changed your clothes last night. I hope you don’t mind. You got blood all over yourself. Kai is running them to the dry cleaners right now.”

Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s fine. Thank you, Lay.”

Lay nodded. “Your scars are fading well, Baek. Does that make you happy?” He chuckled. “Maybe one day, we’ll all get to wear tank tops and shirts and go to the beach, huh?”

Baekhyun smiled. “That’s a nice dream.”

Lay peeled the bandage off of Baekhyun’s head and dabbed his forehead with antiseptic. Baekhyun didn’t wince. “I see your pain tolerance is still pretty high.” Lay applied some ointment and wrapped a fresh bandage around Baekhyun’s head.

“There, all finished.” Lay rested Baekhyun down again.

“Get some rest, okay?” Lay sat in the corner of the room again. “I’ll be here with you if you need anything, okay?”

Baekhyun smiled and closed his eyes, trying to place his thoughts. He had gotten them worried, for sure. 

The only image he could conjure that wasn’t fuzzy was Chanyeol. Baekhyun’s spirits raised, but fell again as he realized he couldn’t think of him that way anymore.

Baekhyun was curious, a hidden question surfacing within him.

Chanyeol was just a 16 year old kid... why was he a target? What did Mr. Lee want from him?

“He’s just a boy,” Baekhyun thought miserably. “He doesn’t deserve this kind of fate. He deserves to be happy, live a normal life, go off to college, and escape that stupid orphanage.”

A tear slipped down Baekhyun’s cheek. Chanyeol deserves to get married and have children. He deserves to pursue his passion as a career. He deserves to learn how to play the guitar, smile, and hold the hand of the person he loves.

Lay hopped up again to Baekhyun’s bedside and clutched his hand. “Baek, why are you crying? Does it hurt?”

Park Chanyeol deserved the world...

Baekhyun nodded, unable to stop his cries.

But Baekhyun was going to take it all away from him.

“Yes,” Baekhyun wailed.

“It hurts.”

*

A day had passed, and by this time, Baekhyun didn’t even show up to class.

Jongdae sat against the railway, furiously eating his sandwich, watching Chanyeol sit in front of the door in waiting.

Kyungsoo hadn’t joined them for lunch because he couldn’t bear to see Chanyeol  stare stupidly at the door imagining Baekhyun walking in.

“Jesus Christ, the guy just got back and now he tears off again,” Jongdae said, flinging his sandwich over the railing. “What a guy you fell for, Chanyeol!”

“He’ll come,” Chanyeol said, not peeling his gaze off of the door.

Jongdae hopped to his feet. “You’re going insane!” He yelled at Chanyeol. He slid down to the ground again, muttering under his breath dejectedly. “Poor guy is so in love he doesn’t realize he’s getting toyed. What a beautiful life to live in a fantasy.”

Jongdae continued to watch Chanyeol, his heart reaching out to him and his poor, foolish feelings.

*

Kyungsoo sat in the courtyard under a tree. He flipped through his textbooks, not reading a single word. He slammed the book down and rested his chin on his knees.

“Chanyeol, you're so stupid,” He muttered. “You fell for a guy who doesn’t even care about your feelings.”

And you ignore the person who has never left your side after all these years…

Kyungsoo scrunched his eyebrows and balled his fists.

“That Baekhyun…!” Kyungsoo gritted his teeth. “The next time I see him, I’m going to beat him to a bloody pulp. What is going on in that boy’s head?”

It hurt Kyungsoo down to his very core to see the blank look on Chanyeol’s face as he sat at the door, waiting for a boy that would never come. Chanyeol was going insane over love. 

Kyungsoo hated Baekhyun. How could he be manipulating Chanyeol this way? He must really be a sadist to string Chanyeol along like this. Last time was a mistake for sure, but this time it was really personal. Kyungsoo was fed up trying to comfort Chanyeol after all of the damage Baekhyun was causing. This guy was unpredictable - and certainly not the guy for Chanyeol.

Baekhyun was hurting Chanyeol! Did he not know that? 

“You just don’t play with people’s feelings like that,” Kyungsoo murmured, tracing his finger in the dirt beside the roots of the tree. 

Kyungsoo lifted his head to the roof, where Chanyeol was certainly still waiting like an idiot for that douche Baekhyun.

He turned his head as an object plummeted from the top of the building down to the ground. 

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo wondered, "why are you doing this?”

“Why are you hurting Chanyeol this way? For your own sick satisfaction?

Or something else?”

*

Baekhyun didn’t attend school for the next few days. He took advantage of his concussion as an excuse to not go back and continue ignoring Chanyeol deliberately. At home, he could distract himself by helping out with the cleaning or just hanging out with the others. It reminded him of a time when it was easier; when he hadn’t known Chanyeol and he hadn’t known how to hurt.

Tao hadn’t shown up at all since the last incident. Things were pretty quiet. Baekhyun wondered if he had been fired. He knew that couldn’t possibly be, though; that would make it seem as if Mr. Lee had made a wrong decision. They were probably just housing Tao in a different place, away from the members so as to ensure another strangling attempt was not made again.

Baekhyun had been noticing that all of the members were extremely wary of him now. He noticed them whispering to one another behind closed doors. Baekhyun’s acute hearing could pick up nearly everything they said. Their conversations usually consisted of them deciding how to approach or act around him.

“He shouldn’t pick up what we are trying to do,” Xiumin’s careful voice said. “He’ll close himself right up.”

“Maybe we should just leave him alone,” Lay said. “He’s most comfortable not saying anything anyway.”

“But aren’t you curious? What is causing all of these changes within him? Should we invest-“ Kai’s voice was drowned out by a slight ringing in Baekhyun’s ear.

Xiumin appeared in the doorway of the living room where Baekhyun was lounged, watching old reruns of Friends.

“Hey, I’m about to step out for a cup of coffee. Want to join me?”

Baekhyun sighed. “Do I?” He asked himself. After a moment of thinking, he sat up slowly.

“Sure, I guess." 

“Cool! Go get dressed.” 

Baekhyun hobbled up the stairs and flung on whatever he had that was clean. He attempted to fix his hair so that it hid the disgusting dark bruise on his forehead, but he failed. He decided on wearing a hat, then met Xiumin in the foyer.

About half an hour later, they walked into a quiet, modern café downtown. 

Xiumin took a deep breath. “See Baekhyun, doesn’t it feel great to get some fresh air?”

Baekhyun shrugged. “Sure." 

Xiumin took a seat at a table in the corner,  and a skinny, pretty-looking boy wearing an apron skipped his way over to them. 

“Good afternoon! What can I get you two?” He smiled, but faltered when his eyes rested on Baekhyun.

“Just two coffees.” After an awkward silence, he pointed at Baekhyun. “He is my friend from out of town.”

“Ah, I see,” The waiter scribbled the order down. “I’ll come back straight away with your coffees.”

When he left, Xiumin explained. “I met him on my past mission, so for right now, I’m a chemistry professor named Kim Minseok.”

Baekhyun nodded in understanding. True to his word, the waiter brought their order swiftly. 

Baekhyun sipped his warm coffee, closing his eyes and humming in delight at the taste. “This is pretty good.”

“I know,” Xiumin laughed. “It’s pretty addicting, even to non-coffee lovers.”

Baekhyun looked out the window and watched the people pass by. Everyone had their own story, right?

“So, Baekhyun.” Xiumin set his mug on the saucer. “What’s up? What’s been going on?”

Baekhyun shifted uncomfortably. “Nothing much. I’m doing pretty well. What about you? No new assignments, right?" 

Xiumin shook his head. “Nope, I’m free now. You’re still on your current assignment, right? How’s that going? How’s high school?”

Bakehyun’s spirits darkened. “It's not what I expected. It’s a lot of work... lots of people to get to know.”

Xiumin nodded. “Yeah, I assume college is way better than high school in terms of experiences with people.”

“I know Mr. Lee asked you to elongate your time spent on this mission. Are you stressed about that? It’s been a month or two, right? Is that’s what’s been bothering you? So much time eagerly awaiting to finish and get it over with?”

Baekhyun dropped his eyes. “It’s not that, exactly. It’s just been tough for different reasons.” 

Ximin dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. “I understand. Do you remember that idiot Tao?”

Baekhyun nodded.

“Well apparently, he moved in without us noticing. Either that, or they moved him in without us noticing. Kai noticed him living in the basement one night - actually, the night you got your concussion - when he went to the basement to get the supply kit.”

Baekhyun burst out in laughter. “What the-! So he’s been there, huddled next to the water heater for a week without leaving for food or water?”

Xiumin cackled. “Yeah!”

They laughed for a long time, just imagining Tao shivering in the cold, dark basement.

Baekhyun wiped at his eyes. “Well, that was the highlight of my day.”

“So now, he’s going to be moving into the room across the hall from mine. I swear, if he does anything funny, I will slit his throat with no regre-“

“Minseok, here’s your check!” The waiter interrupted, standing beside the table and handing Xiumin the check. Xiumin handed him a few bills, signing the receipt. “Keep the change, okay?” He told the waiter, his voice coming out sweet and soft.

Baekhyun raised his eyebrows at the sudden change in his voice, but decided not to say anything.

Xiumin collected his things. “So yeah, guess we’re going to see him again once we get home. Not looking forward to that, for sure.”

They left the café, and Baekhyun felt slightly better knowing that everyone was willing to go out of their way to cheer him up somehow.

*

Sure enough, true to Xiumin’s word, Tao was sitting awkwardly at the edge of the couch in the living room when they got home.

Baekhyun stifled a laugh at the sight of Tao’s darkened bags and skinnier frame. 

“Was the basement floor comfortable?” Xiumin muttered under his breath. Tao reached out to smack him, but Kai caught his hand.

“Hey hey hey! In this household, we are all going to be friends, okay? Both of you knock it off!" Lay said. 

Xiumin stuck his tongue out at Tao, and in return, he flipped him off.

“Oh, this will be fun,” Kai said, crossing his arms as Xiumin shut the door to his room, Tao reaching his and slamming his door louder for effect.

Kai fell to his knees. “Lord, please help me that I will be able to withstand living with these two idiots.” 

Lay smacked him playfully with a washrag. “Get up, you idiot!" He turned to Baekhyun. “Go get some rest, Baekhyun. You’ll be going to school. Suho actually got a call from the school saying you’ll have to be tried in court if you miss any more school without a valid excuse.”

Baekhyun nodded, then trudged to his bedroom. He lay in bed, trying to distract his thoughts from his imminent doom. He cracked open one of his favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird, and began to read.

The day soon fell to darkness, and Baekhyun heard a floorboard downstairs creak. Baekhyun’s eyes shot open; even though he had fallen asleep, he couldn’t help but be alert at all times.

Before Baekhyun could make an effort to sit up and investigate the source of the noise, there was a shadow present in Baekhyun’s room.

Baekhyun sat up, creeping against the wall beside his bed. 

Moonlight shone across the room, illuminating Tao’s sleek features.

Baekhyun clutched at his wall. “Tao, what are you doing awake? Go back to your room. Nobody wanders around here at night.”  

Tao smirked. “I will enjoy living here. Goodnight, Byun Baekhyun.”

Tao turned and descended the ladder slowly, leaving Baekhyun speechless.

What in the world? Baekhyun settled back under the covers again, this time facing the door. “What a weirdo…” he thought, drifting off into painful sleep.

*

It was the third day of Baekhyun’s absence. Kyungsoo and Jongdae sat huddled next to each other, eating sadly.

Chanyeol sat in front of the door.

“I swear to God, I am going to kill Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo crumbled a piece of notebook paper and threw it off the roof with all of his strength.

“They’re both idiots,” Jongdae muttered, tearing off a piece of his sandwich and throwing it at Chanyeol. “Yah, Chanyeol! You need to eat something. It’ll be like last time, trust me. Except his grandfather got sick in America!”

Chanyeol turned to Jongdae and Kyungsoo, hs eyes overflowing with tears. 

They both ran over to him, arms on his shoulders. “No, Chanyeol I didn’t mean it! Did the sandwich hurt? Was it the sesame seeds? Are you allergic to cheese?”

Chanyeol sniffed. “Baekhyun isn’t coming. He isn’t coming.”

He stood up and gripped the railing. He sunk to his knees, crying. “He isn’t coming. He isn’t coming.”

Jongdae patted Chanyeol’s back, glancing at Kyungsoo for support.

Kyungsoo didn’t meet his eyes. 

“Why is he doing this to me?” Words were tumbling out of Chanyeol’s mouth, and Jongdae wasn’t sure if he was doing that consciously or not. “Does he want to hurt me? I didn’t think he was like this. I love him. I love him. Where is he? What is he doing? Does he still love me?”

Jongdae patted Chanyeol’s back some more. “Stop thinking about him, Chanyeol. You’re ruining yourself. Get over him, okay? Let’s just get over him.”

Jongdae turned to Kyungsoo, whose eyes were b with tears himself. “No, not you too!”

Kyungsoo began crying, and Jongdae threw his arms into the air and facepalmed.

“Lord, what am I going to do with them?!”

*

Baekhyun woke up and dragged his feet to his bathroom, scowling in the mirror.

His face was disgusting and pale, dotted with blemishes caused by stress. His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed, dark circles shadowing them as well.  To make it worse, the bruise from his confusion was now a sickly green and yellow, and it took up about a third of his forehead. Baekhyun tried his best in dressing to hopefully make up for his disgusting appearance.

Baekhyun arrived at school early, way earlier than he had ever woken up to get to school. He climbed up the stairs to the rooftop, where he watched the sun rise.

The sky was painted in such pretty colors, like a kaleidoscope. "How can such a cruel world be so beautiful?" He asked himself.

Time passed and the clouds began to accumulate, covering the sun. Baekhyun decided it was probably time for him to go downstairs and get ready for class.

As he made his way to the door, the door creaked open. Baekhyun’s mouth opened in surprise as Kyungsoo entered the rooftop.

*

Kyungsoo had gotten to school earlier than usual. He need some time alone to think and study, so he walked up the stairs to gain some peace and quiet on the roof.

Kyungsoo opened the door to find someone else already there. It so happened to be none other than the man of the hour: Byun Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo stood in surprise in front of the door at Baekhyun, who stared back at him in equal shock. 

Kyungsoo decided to speak. “Well, look who finally decided to show up!”

Baekhyun’s smiled weakly and bowed his head. “Glad to be back.”

Kyungsoo couldn’t take it anymore. All of the anger that had been boiling within him since the moment he had laid eyes on the foreigner was released. All of the torment he had endured for himself and Chanyeol inside of him burst.

Kyungsoo clenched Baekhyun’s shirt collar in his fist and pushed him against the door violently.

“What do you think you’re doing, huh?” He yelled. 

Baekhyun’s head lolled. He couldn’t meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. 

“Look at me.”  Kyungsoo shook Baekhyun. “I said look at me!”

Baekhyun stared at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo was taken aback at the deadly cold stare that met his eyes. Baekhyun’s pale face and dark circled eyes stared back at him, haunting. Kyungsoo hadn’t seen Baekhyun look like this since the first day he had shown up at school.

Seeing Baekhyun so torn like this infuriated Kyungsoo. He had no reason to be falling apart. He was the one who was causing his Chanyeol to suffer.

Kyungsoo pinned Baekhyun against the door. "What are you doing? Do you know what you’ve been doing to Chanyeol? He’s in so much pain - and it’s all your fault!" 

Kyungsoo tugged on Baekhyun’s collar. “You’re playing with Chanyeol’s precious feelings. The stupid kid is in love with you and he follows you around like a lost puppy, and all you do is string him along. But you don’t care, do you? No, because you’re a selfish who only thinks of himself! Do you enjoy hurting people this way?”

Baekhyun’s hollowed eyes gave Kyungsoo no response. It made him unsettled.

Kyungsoo’s grip loosened, and his voice trembled. “Chanyeol is falling apart. Don’t you know that?”

Defeated, Kyungsoo dropped his hand and let Baekhyun go. Kyungsoo shoved Baekhyun out of the way of the door and left the roof, slamming the door behind him.

Kyungsoo raced down the stairs.

Chanyeol was falling apart, and Kyungsoo didn’t know how to stop it. 

Seeing the love of his life deteriorate before his own eyes was the worst thing Kyungsoo had ever experienced.

*

Baekhyun fell against the door of the rooftop, bursting into tears. Baekhyun was hurting Chanyeol. Not only was he hurting Chanyeol, but he was affecting everyone else also. Kyungsoo… probably Jongdae as well...

“Stupid Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun thought. “You’re in love with Chanyeol as much as I am.”

He was so foolish to try to be a normal teenager. He would never be normal. He had the scars and the nightmares to prove it.

He was so foolish to fall in love with Park Chanyeol.

The bell rang, but Bakehyun didn’t move a muscle.

The sky broke and began to pour, and Baekhyun didn’t move an inch.

He let the rain cascade over him, cold and drowning.

*

Chanyeol got home that afternoon and closed out everything. He ripped off all of his clothes and put on his comfortable pajamas,  turning on some loud, head-splitting music. He could hear the quiet murmurs of all of the anxious children outside, but he ignored it all.

Chanyeol burrowed in his sheets and tried to drown out everything. He squeezed his eyes shut and his chest heaved, trying to erase all memories of Baekhyun…

Suddenly, Chanyeol heard a brisk rapping at his door, but he didn’t budge. Then, there was the sound of a key clicking in the lock and turning. Chanyeol groaned as the covers were torn off of him and the blinds were thrown open.

Head Sister Miriam stood over him. Chanyeol flinched as he awaited the smack of a plank or high-pitched screaming, but instead, all he received was silence.

He opened his eyes to see her staring at him with a pitiful gaze. 

“Chanyeol.” She spoke in a tone of voice he had never heard from her. “Chef Eunice has run out of lettuce for the salad for tonight’s dinner. Would you mind fetching her some?”

Chanyeol blinked at her and nodded. 

Head Sister Miriam smiled and left a few wads of cash on the edge of the bed. “Here’s enough for about 4 heads. If there’s any money left over, treat yourself to something. Okay, Yeol?”

With one last glance, she left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

Bewildered, Chanyeol thumbed through the money and dressed in something appropriate for going out shopping.

*

Chanyeol left the store with two big brown paper bags full of lettuce heads. More than he liked to admit, everywhere he turned, Chanyeol saw Baekhyun.

Whether it was standing beside him in the hallway, opening the door to the rooftop, or just around the corner of the aisle, he always saw the faint image of his smile and brown hair.

And every single time he reached out, Baekhyun vanished, just like he always did whether he was a figment of Chanyeol’s imagination or the real thing.

It was useless. No matter how much he chased, Baekhyun was always too far away. 

Chanyeol walked slowly with his hood over his head, breathing in cold air, shifting the bags in his arms. He was falling into a delirium, hoping that Baekhyun would come back to him.

No - at this point, it didn’t even matter to Chanyeol if Baekhyun came into his arms again. He just wanted an explanation.

Chanyeol lifted his head to find another illusion in front of him. His brown hair was shaggy and blew faintly in the breeze, the loops of a mask tucked behind his ears. Chanyeol swore he could even smell his familiar scent. Chanyeol lowered his head and pinched his arm.

Quiet dreaming, Chanyeol!

Chanyeol lifted his head to find the image of Baekhyun not dissolved, but insanely real. The texture of his hair shone to reveal flecks of dark brown, and his sweater had slight creases at the elbow…

Chanyeol’s breath caught in the back of his throat. “B-Baekhyun?!”

Chanyeol watched as Baekhyun’s shoulders tensed up, and he walked undeniably faster.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol called again, his voice filled with more determination. He caught up to Baekhyun and tugged on his sleeve. 

They stood frozen in that position in the middle of the sidewalk. Baekhyun didn’t turn.

“Baekhyun? W-What did I do?” All of Chanyeol’s fears rolled out of him so fast that he couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. “Why are you avoiding me? What’s wrong? I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I can fix this, I swear!”

Chanyeol’s voice broke as he blurted, “D-Do you still love me?”

Baekhyun turned to Chanyeol in sadness. Chanyeol’s heart was crushed at the sight of him. The boy he loved was an absolute mess. Baekhyun’s face was faded, his dark veins standing out prominently in his cheeks. His eyes that had once sparkled were now dim, incredibly dark bags lying beneath them. An ugly bruise stained his forehead, and he seemed so frail. If Chanyeol held on to him tighter, he would certainly crumble under his touch. 

Chanyeol hadn’t heard Baekhyun’s voice in such a long time. It was laced with bitter sadness. 

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol.”

Then Baekhyun passed the corner and was gone.

Chanyeol watched as he was swept away into an expensive black car and drove off. Chanyeol chased after him once the shock had gone. “No, Baekhyun. Please don’t leave again! Please, stay with me!” He cried through gasps of breath.

 “Please...” He fell to his knees, sobbing. 

“Stay.”