I know that I can't have it all

But without you I am afraid I'll fall

I know I’m playing with your heart

And I could treat you better but I'm not that smart

I’m a Ruin- Marina and the Diamonds

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Kris waited around in the Research Lab, sorting papers.  

It was quiet. Suho had stepped out to retrieve the assassins from their mission in Daegu. He had seemed tense when he had left, and Kris felt guilty. Suho seemed to carry so much responsibility on his shoulders, and he reminded Kris of himself. Suho was the backbone of his father’s company - and he upheld his dark secret. 

Though Suho hid everything quite well with his quirky personality, Kris knew he felt responsible for everything that went wrong in the company’s insides. 

 Kris decided to try to make it up to Suho to attempting to clean the Research Lab a bit. He organized the papers into stacks in certain parts of the room, straightened the tables, and cleaned up the boxes of donuts and empty cups on coffee that littered the room. 

Kris overlooked his work with satisfaction. “Hopefully this will cheer him up,” Kris thought. 

Kris decided to pour a cup of coffee for himself and Suho for when he returned. He watched the coffee machine churn, spewing out coffee into a paper cup.  

The door opened. Kris looked up from the cup of coffee and found Suho had entered the room, face ashen. His body was tired; his hair, disheveled. 

“How did they do?” Kris asked. “Did they catch the culprit?” 

“Nope.” Suho said, peeling off his coat and lying down on one of the tables. He took off his glasses and rubbed his face in distress. 

”Completely failed. The guy got away. Apparently, judging from their behavior, it was Tao that messed it all up. Usually, I wouldn't be worried about this, but this was the only trail we had. There is no other evidence that links to another possible attack.” 

He sighed. “I’m getting chewed out for this for sure.” 

Kris approached him quietly and handed him the cup of coffee. “It’s not your fault. Mistakes happen; that’s the way the world turns.” Hthrusted the cup in Suho’s face. “Here. I made you this.” 

Suho sat up and took the cup gratefully. “I know, but your father always finds someone to blame. Thank you.” 

“Boy, do I know that.” Kris laughed and Suho scooted over, letting his legs dangle over the edge of the table. Kris sat behind him, so their backs leaned against each other. 

Suho reached over and tousled Kris’s hair. It had begun to grow after some time being cooped up in the lab for so long. It curled around his ear and over his forehead; his sun-bleached streaks from playing basketball outside often had begun to fade to their natural dark color. “Your hair is very nice.” 

Kris patted Suho’s head back in retaliation. “So is yours. Undercuts are in now.” 

Suho laughed. “Wu, you’re terrible.”  

Kris smirked. “I know.” 

They sat comfortably in silence, sipping their coffee. Peckles clucked and leapt onto Suho’s lap. Suho her feathers affectionately.

“Kris,” Suho said. “Thank you for staying with me. This is the closest relationship I’ve had for a while.” 

“Really,” Kris shrugged. “It’s nothing. I mean, it hasn’t been that hard or anything.” Kris diverted his eyes nervously. 

Suho smiled. “Nobody sticks around for this long. I’ve always been alone. I’ve heard too many goodbyes in my time.” 

“Why?” Kris asked, shifting his head to look at Suho.  

“I don’t know,” Suho said, lifting his head to the ceiling. “I’m just the type of person people tend to leave. My mom, you know, left me and my father when I was 8. After that, my father got really depressed... and then he killed himself in front of me. 

Suho sighed. “You know, just kind of stepped off the stool and let the noose squeeze his neck. Very traumatizing - as a child. I don’t think I ever really got over that. Over the course of my teenage years, I couldn’t keep a friendship. People thought I was weird. After college, I managed to snag a job here, and it’s been pretty stable so far.” 

Suho didn’t make a sound. Kris didn’t breathe in fear of disrupting the atmosphere. 

“Suho,” he thought. “How much have you suffered behind your smiles?” 

Kris’s mind whirled in possibilities, then he caught a thought and held onto it. 

“Suho, I won’t leave you,” Kris said firmly. “I promise.” 

Suho turned his head slightly to meet Kris’s eyes. “”Promise” is a very strong word. You’ve changed a lot, I know, but you’re still the same hot-blooded rich brat who didn’t want to be here in the first place.” 

“I’m not leaving you like those other people; you can count on that. I will help support you and your burdens so that you don’t have to be carrying that heavy load by yourself. ” Kris said firmly. “I know I’m just a hot-blooded rich brat, but another thing I am is stubborn. I don’t take no for an answer. And when I said I’m not leaving you,” Kris paused for effect. “I mean it.”  

“I’m not going to leave you alone.” Kris shrugged in an attempt to be nonchalant. “Sure this job did seem like a chore at first, and you’re an absolute maniac.” Suho laughed, earning a cluck in agreement from Peckles.  

“But I do....” Kris trailed off, then decided to finish his sentence confidently. “I do genuinely enjoy your company.” 

Suho’s mouth parted slightly, shocked. “Are you sure?” 

 “I’m not leaving,” Kris said resolutely. “And that’s final.” 

Suho turned back around and slumped against Kris again. “Thank you, Kris.” 

Kris didn’t say anything. He closed his eyes slowly.  

Where did all of that come from? 

He didn’t know, but he was sticking to his word. 

Kris wasn’t going to leave Suho alone, and that was it. 

* 

Chanyeol was waiting for Baekhyun on their favorite bench, early as usual. The best part of Chanyeol’s day was seeing Baekhyun’s face after waking up each morning.  

Baekhyun’s face sometimes had bed lines and his eyes were sometimes puffy, and he found it cute and loved to about it.

When he saw somebody approaching him his heart beat fast, but his spirits unintentionally deflated when he realized it was Jongdae. 

Jongdae sat next to him, yawning a big “Good morning!” 

Chanyeol smiled. “Hey! What’s up?” 

Jongdae rubbed his neck. “Nah, nothing. What about you, what’s been going on lately?” 

Chanyeol was quiet for a moment. “Nothing new, really.” 

Jongdae bumped Chanyeol’s side with his elbow. “Now we both know you’re lying, Yeol. I’ve known you for 3 years now, and I know something is going on with you.” 

“Or should I say…” Jongdae waggled his eyebrows. “You and Baekhyun?” 

Chanyeol laughed, trying to play it off, his face growing red. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been myself! There is nothing going on between us.” 

Jongdae gave Chanyeol with a dubious look. “We both know you’re lying. You guys look like you just got off your honeymoon to Fiji.” 

Chanyeol sighed, frustrated. “Fine! There’s no hiding things from you. Baekhyun and I are dating.” 

Jongdae whooped really loudly, attracting the attention of other people nearby.  

“I knew it!” Jongdae yelled. “I was just getting you to admit to it, of course.” Jongdae flipped his imaginary long locks of hair. “Because I’m a manipulative beauty.” 

Chanyeol nudged Jongdae. “Yeah, right sure! Was it that easy to figure out?” 

Jongdae smiled. “Well first of all, whenever you guys are around each other, you never tear your eyes off each other’s faces. It makes me want to puke. It’s as if there is nobody else in the world, as far as you guys are concerned. Quite annoying really when I’m trying to get your attention.” 

Chanyeol scoffed. “Whatever. Do you approve?” 

Jongdae sighed. “I do, but I don’t want any of this “He broke my heart!” or “Maybe “okay” will be our always!” bull coming my way, ya hear?” 

Chanyeol smiled, wrapped his arm around Jongdae, and gave him a tight squeeze. “Thanks, Jongdae.” 

“Don’t mention it," he said, pushing Chanyeol off of him. 

“Hey look,” Jongdae pointed far into the distance. “Here comes your lover boy.” 

Chanyeol whipped his head around to see Baekhyun fast approaching. He looked especially cute today, Chanyeol observed. Baekhyun’s hair fell cutely out of his beanie, and his green cargo jacket went perfectly with his brown Vans. He held a coffee cup in one hand and had his earbuds plugged in.  

Chanyeol stood up waving. “Hey Baekhyu…” 

Baekhyun sailed right past Chanyeol without a single glance. 

Chanyeol’s face fell and his arm dropped. The bell rang, and Chanyeol lost Baekhyun to the crowd. 

Chanyeol stared at the ground. “What was that?” He wondered. “Did he not see me? Was he not in the mood to talk? Is he upset at me?” 

“Trouble in paradise?” Jongdae asked. “Did I speak too soon?”

Chanyeol slugged his backup on one shoulder and walked next to a quiet Jongdae* to class.  

What’s going on with Baekhyun? 

 *

Baekhyun's vision blurred with tears. He let himself mix through the crowd, trying to let the music block out all surrounding noise.

Chanyeol had looked so hurt.

He was doing the right thing…right?

Baekhyun repositioned his backpack on his shoulder. 

He was doing what was best for Chanyeol.

Letting him go…

Slowly…

Baekhyun clenched his fists to stop the tears from falling.

Even if it was killing him inside.

*

When the lunch bell rang, Chanyeol waited for Baekhyun on the rooftop patiently, sitting cross-legged in front of the door. 

“You look like a puppy waiting for his owner to come home,” Jongdae scoffed, biting his lip worriedly.

“Well, I’m waiting for Baekhyun," Chanyeol replied, swaying on his bottom anxiously. “He’ll come.”

Kyungsoo leafed through his textbook, irritated. “Didn’t he just come back yesterday? Where’s he off to now?”

“No, he’s here. I saw him this morning.” Chanyeol nearly snapped.

“Okay, just checking.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes defensively, going back to reading his textbook.

Five minutes passed, then another 10 minutes.

Chanyeol didn’t move.

Jongdae caught Kyungsoo’s worried gaze. 

“Chanyeol…” Jongdae said softly. “I don’t think he’s coming.”

“He will, he’s just a little late.”

Jongdae sighed.

After some time, the bell rang, and lunch was over.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo gathered their things as Chanyeol’s eyes dropped to the floor. “I guess he got tied up.”

Jongdae helped Chanyeol up from the ground. “Let’s get to class, okay, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol didn’t say anything, letting himself be pulled along by Jongdae.

*

During lunch, Baekhyun sat alone on a bench in the courtyard. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, letting his chin rest on his knees. 

He hadn’t been this lonely in a long time.

The wind rustled. Baekhyun snuck a glance at the roof, but couldn’t catch a sight of anyone.

Baekhyun missed Chanyeol so much it hurt.

“Is this the only way?” He thought. “Is distancing myself the only way to end this with minimal pain?”

Baekhyun didn’t answer his question. 

He just sat in silence until lunch was over, then let himself be swallowed by the crowds again.

“Chanyeol...”He thought wistfully, pressing his books against his chest.

“Do you miss me?

Am I hurting you?”

*

As soon as the bell rang, Chanyeol bolted out of class. He ignored the yelps of people he shoved past. He peered over the heads of people. Chanyeol had to find Baekhyun. He had to know what was bothering him.

And why he was avoiding him.

Chanyeol ran outside to the front of the school, shielding his eyes from the sun as he caught a glimpse of Baekhyun walking swiftly to an expensive black car that drove up to the front of the school.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol called. Baekhyun didn’t turn.

Chanyeol watched Baekhyun as he was ushered into the car by a man in a suit and drive away.

Chanyeol’s eyes widened. There was so much about Baekhyun he didn’t know. Was Baekhyun wealthy? Chanyeol shook his head - that should be the least of his worries. 

Chanyeol kicked at a speck of dirt on the pavement.

What was wrong with Baekhyun?

What had Chanyeol done to make Baekhyun act this way?

*

That night, Baekhyun woke up tangled in his sheets, screaming.

He sat up, gasping for air, clutching at his chest. He attempted to climb out of bed but tripped and fell to his knees, his lungs heaving for air. Baekhyun panted and hobbled to the bathroom, then collapsed on the cold tile. He attempted to hoist himself up by clinging to the sink, his knuckles white and limbs shaking.

It hadn’t been the usual night terror of the murder of his parents and his kidnapping to become an assassin. Instead, it had been him, standing in a pool of blood, Chanyeol laying at his feet, bloody, beaten, and bruised. Everything has been red, and Baekhyun’s face and clothes had been splattered with Chanyol’s warm and sticky blood. 

But the worst part of all…Baekhyun had held the gun.

Tears streamed down Baekhyun’s face, and his mouth warped into soundless cries. In the mirror, he saw himself - long, curling raven hair, dark bags and smudged black liner. His eyes were daggers, defensive and piercing black with tints of steel. His cheeks were hollow; his complexion, gray and ashen. Baekhyun’s face was bloody and dripping with sweat, chains ran down his lip to his black shirt collar, another from his earlobe to frame of his ear.

His image shifted between his current self, brown-haired and smiling, to his cold and unburied past.

Baekhyun couldn’t bear to look; he clutched the sink and screamed. He couldn’t rid his mind of the images that plagued him in his dreams.

That couldn’t be him.

He could change for Chanyeol.

He could fix this.

Baekhyun looked up to find his old self smirking at him.

There was no way.

Baekhyun backed away from the sink and against the bathtub. 

He couldn’t hide his past.

It was eating him alive.

With one last breath, Baekhyun slipped and fainted, hitting his head on the bathtub. He heard faint footsteps, but he was already…

so far away…