First off, SinRin shippers, Buddies and people who are ‘gay for SinRin’ buckle your seatbelts, here we go! (And of course, not to forget your notes and ‘clue-finder’ ^^ .) It has been a month since I posted an update, I’m deeply sorry for that but I also have to focus on my studies. So… here’s something we need for the story. ☺

Jung Yerin POV

    To say that this day has been a rollercoaster ride for me is cliché, but to hell with it. I have really thought I have gone up and down this entire day and that includes my mood. There are a lot of things that happened and for now, I have nothing against cliché things.

    Why, you say?

    Well, it is just, deep inside, I am hoping this part of my life would be a cliché but somehow it wouldn’t be too. You don’t understand? Honestly, I don’t too.  I just hope things would always get better for the protagonist no matter what she is going through now. That is, thinking that I am the protagonist. Who would say I am not? Fight me please.

    I guess tomorrow would be something like a disaster. If not, if it would not circulate on the media or in the internet tomorrow, maybe the next days.

    I sighed. Now I wonder how much Sojung-unnie’s head would ache after this blow up. Sometimes, I just feel sorry about the stress I have been giving her. I wish I could mature and act often in a good way. I just want her to smile as she usually does, just as much as I would want myself to be.

    What mess have I gone myself up to again?

    Right now, I feel like I’m just a load. A bother. A weight. Sojung-unnie told me not to think about it. She usually say that when something bad happened. She knows my mind would take its time pondering much about it. I just can’t help myself sometimes. For me, it is so natural to think about what ifs and ‘I could have done better’.

    But my day isn’t entirely that bad.

    The filming went well, except the exhausting parts where we have to kiss and we did it in a lot of takes because the director wanted our lips to touch. I mean, I’m fine with kissing actually, it’s some kind of a way to show my affection and so does Yuju too. We’re kinda that kind of showy and touchy but these past months, when I got to meet her, I changed. I just don’t want anyone to kiss my lips. Then, I got to be seatmates with her and Yuju. I had this vision that maybe those two could click even though Yuju is a bit weird.

    And aside from seeing Hwang Eunbi flirting with Dahyun in front of my Red Velvet cake, I’m glad of each and every moment I would lay my eyes upon her. I’m glad of any interactions we got to have today. Probably, it is just that… I have learned to appreciate everything that would happen, especially if it’s with her.

    You see, the reason goes a long way back.

    And maybe it’s already enough about me talking about how my day is. No matter how it is even if I go up and down, left and right, happy and sad, I would still find myself back here. Here, just like the other days. I might have lost count but I know it has been years that I always find my way back here. Here… where I watch over something beautiful, so ethereal, that no matter how ed up my day could be, I could still smile at the end of it.

    That is probably one of the reasons and ways of how I have made it so far.

    If ever someone would ask me this on an interview, either be on a fan meeting or in front of the national television, I wouldn’t ever dare to keep it a secret. Maybe, just maybe, someone out there could relate with my situation, and I hope he or she would have strength to go on and continue this ‘thing’ we are in. I hope this could give him or her courage to somehow, next time, she or he could approach that ‘beautiful thing’ she has always been watching.

    To say it has become my hobby would be somehow suiting. But, I think saying it has become a part of my life is well more suiting. Almost perfect.

    I chuckled. Yeah, just almost.

    The wind passed through my body, standing and mimicking a seesaw as to balance its own weight on top of a dark-gray painted small wall. I am standing on a wall which is a part of an elevated small basketball court without cover. It is something you would commonly see on the streets where people play with each other, even if they just meet for the first time. The place gave me this illusion that I am back on that place I considered my hometown. It was a nice place.

    Was, and I hope it will be, soon.

    The wind passed over again, greeting me with its peaceful touch. It is pretty refreshing, if you would ask me. It is something in a level that could sooth my tired body. I momentarily closed my eyes just to feel it and let the tiredness I have been feeling to be washed away with it.

    Perhaps, I just need a little rain, a little coffee… and a little bit of you.

    A little bit of Hwang Eunbi.

    I exhaled, contently wearing a smile after I pry my eyes open. I watched the wind comb over all the small green bermuda grass, making them sway in unison. The sun is setting and it’s starting to get darker. And then, there, up in the sky, the stars would appear. I wonder if she ever looked at it and wonder where could I be?

    I scoffed at my own thoughts. How could she when she doesn’t even remember a thing about me nor any other Yerin.

    Well, she does. I shrugged bitterly. She does remember Kim Yerin. A Kim, not a Jung.

    I wonder if I could ever tell her. It is starting to get so frustrating and… painful. But, if this is the only way to do this… then I guess I should.

    Oh. it! I mentally cursed at the thoughts swarming up on my mind. First, who made such rules that I can’t go near her? Second, why the hell can’t I? Third, why can’t she remember? Fourth, who the hell is Kim Yerin? And... um,  Fifth, why isn’t a Jung Yerin on her vocabulary? And most of all, Sixth! She can’t remember me... Oh wait, I already said that.

    The battle raging on my mind is suddenly interrupted when a butterfly crossed my line of vision. A butterfly. Nabi... naBI.

    I love that last syllable ‘Bi’ on its end. Get it? It is the same kind of ‘bi’ I can found in her name.

    Okay, that is so lame. Enough with that Jung Yerin.

    Honestly, this might be the third time I have seen that specie of that butterfly. The first one is a life-changing one for me, and the second time urged me to just go swing it. I bravely took the time to tear my gaze on what I have been watching for the past minutes just to follow the butterfly. It looks so beautiful, just like her. Colorful yet something striking in the sense that it is as if it has something that it hides. Like what it is isn’t just it is.

    Complicated.

    It did send me a chill to be honest, because in my eyes, it is so like her.

    Mysterious.

    I smiled at the thought of it. I could still remember how I accidentally find her amidst the crowd, in a fully packed and busy street of Gangnam. The first time I saw that butterfly. It passed in front of me, and without any thoughts, I followed it. It is like there is this pull towards it. It is weird to find a butterfly there, and thinking about it now, I can’t help but to chuckle on how I just followed it without even thinking why would a butterfly be in there. Well, on my defense, why would a Hwang Eunbi be in there, gracing the entire place with her beauty?

    It’s not that I am complaining about it nor I don’t want her to be in there. In fact, I spent months finding her that time. Well, of course, with the help of my unnie, Sojung-ie. We keep on looking for her, starting from our hometown and then radius by radius. But she disappeared from there and I thought I wouldn’t be able to find her anymore. I went back to every place I thought she could be in. I went to their house too, thinking I could ask someone in there. I arrived there and saw that their house is still in there, looking like how I remembered it. However, no one is in there and like literally, nobody, not even the large mansion and land beside it have a person living in. It almost made me feel melancholic. The place is so quiet that it almost looked like it belongs in history, something you could see on sad documentaries or in a kdrama.  

    I even went to that tree before, the one where we usually stay when we’re on our breaks, when we are bored, when we just want to and practically every time we could get. Sojung must have been aching to ask me why the hell would I go through a forest and find a solitary tree somewhere in it, but I guess she decided to just keep it in herself or she just knew the reason why.

    She might not look like it but her brain works well. I sometimes, ask myself If I could be as genius as her too. I mean, considering how I look… not that I’m boasting about my visuals. She might have also still be amazed of how a tree could be in the middle of a vast land which is near but not exactly the middle of that forest. Sometimes she would ask me if she could look around and considering how I also feel like I have been there for a long time already, I always give her a nod with a smile, signaling her to do what she wanted to do. You see, I went there for a couple of times, waited from sunrise ‘til it went to rest to let the moon take its place. I went there every time I had a free day, actually, even when I have a schedule coming up. I waited and hoped I could see them. But…

    I haven’t seen even just a part of their shadow coming.

    That is also the same time it struck me that that is probably the same thing they are feeling upon those years they are waiting for me.

    It must have been so frustrating and maddening. Doubts will flood your mind, trying to drown you in it, but you still try to hold on – to hold on to something you don’t even know if it exists.

    I have looked around for the two of them. I went around little by little, searching on the crooks and nooks, here and there and to some even isolated places. But here I am, standing accidentally just meters away from them, on a busy crowded street buzzing with people.

    Is it really just a coincidence?

    It feels like fate has finally agreed with the two of us; Like destiny and the stars had twinkled for us, acting like traffic lights being stuck on the green light, telling me to ‘go’. Because there and then, behold, the two Eunbis are standing in front of me, just literally meters away. Different walks of life has come and go, walked back and forth in front of me and yet my eyes are still fixated on those two people I have always adored, laughing about their probably crazy ideas about that high decorated thing at the center of the intersection. I unconsciously smiled and this feeling grew too much inside me that it made me want to cry.

    Actually, I did. I cried. It is just it feels like I am suddenly complete. I feel so accomplished that any worries I had in me that time just vanished. However, no matter how I wanted to be with them, or even just say a ‘hi’ towards them, I remained rooted on that same spot.

    Why?

    I honestly do not know because, I went back here for three main reason. And one of them is finding them and be with them – the stars in my dark black sky. Maybe it is because, I am scared. I am stupidly scared.

    They looked so happy.

    And a mere random thought of being the sole reason for taking that happiness away from them again makes me stand in my place, not moving, eating away all the courage and determination I have in me.

    Back to the present, I don’t think I have made some progress about it, not even a foot. There is, if you would count the times I have talked with them, bump into them on the hallways, eat with them with a reason that there isn’t any space for me to sit in the cafeteria (though some students are giving me their seats), interact with them during class, and oh imagine how I shower the professors in my mind with praises when they ask us to do groupings for an activity. And well, if you would count the so blessed times with us having a real interaction, then yes, I have made some baby steps.

    If we exclude all of those, and went straight on, no, I haven’t made much steps towards them, figuratively. And yes, I do ask myself why... I know I’m being a coward. But I also know I would do a bungee jump, no matter how scared I am of heights, just for the two of them. And that partially invalidates my claim that I am nothing but being a stupid coward idol. I know I do have some answers of why I couldn’t go near them and stay in it, but…

    I sighed. Let’s leave it at that.

    She is like that butterfly. From afar, I steal glances at her. To be honest, I always try when I had the chance that if stealing glances would be a crime I would probably be sentenced for a lifetime stay in prison.

    Staying in prison? Not that I’m invalidating what the others feel upon staying on those cells. But my life isn’t that free too. There could be cameras and eyes always looking and watching. There could be some mistakes that could take me into  a devilish hell of a drive. And there could be some actions, which might cause me to slip, then make some other people sacrifice from it accidentally.

    I am scared.

    I’m scared to lose her. I am scared that if I go near her she would disappear from me. If not, then something might happen that it won’t allow me to see her anymore. I am scared that if I touch her she’ll break, not that she is weak, because I know she isn’t and she is far from that. I told myself once and made a promise I would protect them. And that is all that I have been trying to do since I stood up from that fall.

    I am scared that if I went closer – closer just like before, she would run away from me just like how a butterfly or any with wings would fly away once you got closer to it. She is like the wind that gently me, like a dust that gently drifts along. She is there… but somehow I can’t reach her.

    Stop.    That is what I told myself more than a thousand of times.

    But sometimes, when I take a walk around, or even just when I clean my room and spotted some dusts, I wonder if I could be those little specks of dust floating round in the air. If I was like them, will I get to her even just a little bit faster?

    At some tired late nights, I find myself asking while looking at the plane pale yellow ceiling, “How long do I have to wait? How many sleepless nights do I have to take?”

    Sometimes, I stare at her unknowingly and ask myself, “Is it her who changed, did they change or is it I who actually changed?” Occasionally, I even hated the time that went by without waiting for us, like that old friend we once knew and had set forth in their own path of life without looking back, and when the trees went dry, they grew so cold.

    To be honest, I find myself wanting to hate her, telling myself that she does broke me too. But in the end, it always instills into me that not for one day I didn’t think of a girl named Hwang Eunbi.

    I miss her.

    I really do miss her. Nevertheless, I told myself that maybe if I would just take the blame, it might hurt less. It might help on thinking that I deserve this. But a little justice for myself is necessary to keep me sane. I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. It wasn’t me at all. I didn’t break any promises at all.

    I tried to exhale her through my pain, thinking that it is smoke, like something coming out of a train, or a white smoke in the rain. Soon… it would vanish too. I say that I could forget her but up until now I know… I just can’t let go.

    The seasons might change, the flowers might bloom on a spring day, the brown leaves might fall on the autumn, and the snowflakes might be keeping on falling down, drifting away further around and yet I still miss her. I told myself, it’s time to pick myself up, maybe after the edge of this winter or at least until the change of the weather, just stay until then. But after all, I might be the girl who can’t be moved.

    I looked at her from afar. And here I am again, telling myself to wait just a little bit more… but still… these words has constantly been screaming inside of me, and I don’t think it will stop soon.

    I am missing you.

    And I guess for her, for that butterfly I had, for Hwang Eunbi, I might ditch it all. And I might forgot what the word ‘stop’ anymore.

    Could I ditch it? Should I go for it?

    I have tried. And I’m trying.

    Re