When we got to the freshman hall and somehow got a good spot to see what is happening, I figured that the band-aid might be of help, figuratively and literally. I felt like I wanted to punch someone or to make it less violent, let’s say I feel like I just wanted to drag someone out of there in whatever kind of way. But I know I can’t and I don’t have the guts to do anyway. So I just found myself staring blankly into nothingness again.

             A nothingness that could actually make me vomit to say at least.

              Well, I hope I could really say it is nothing and I wish I am really just staring blankly. But to my dismay, it is the opposite. That is proven by how this small human beside me smirk while looking at me right now.

             I know. It was clearly something. It was actually far from being nothing.

            I am staring into something that could make me feel like I am nothing, to say at least. Nothing, in terms of I am nothing compared to that person in front of her. That reminds me why does Eunha-unnie told me that girl is just a friend of hers. It is clearly not.

             Why are they doing a live show of their affection anyway? I can’t believe they wanted more attention when they should know people ain’t that welcoming of such kind of taboo anyway. Korea is still a sensitive that same affection is still something people would look at you as if you are not a person just like them. Ugh, sometimes I could just held my forehead - that is just so stressful. You might say I’m sensitive about the topic well… just because.

             It is just so that I’m in the same situation as them. You can’t just go out without people judging you.

             I sighed. I could literally go on and speak about all my rants just to get my mind away from what I am witnessing right now. It was a romantic sight.. but not for me.

               Just then, I heard shouts from the crowd blocking half of my view. I don’t know if I should thank them or what. As usual, my face turned into something which looks like annoyed but I swear, right now it’s more than that. Kidding.

               No, I’m not kidding.

               It just… hurts. Maybe.

               I chuckled remembering how I tighten my grip on the band-aid on my pocket. It’s childish like I could really use it for this pain. But I did anyway as I walked towards that room that the crowd is flocking at. There are some students who are hurriedly walking on that same direction too. I could still remember their loud whispers to each other.

           “I heard she’s dating some sophomore.” And I frowned. Really? Rumors?

               “I want to go in too! Did you hear how she barge into that room a while ago?”

               And I turned my head to look at what the other would answer. I just saw the other girl shake her head.

                That’s good.

                I squint my eyes into some random things before I stopped my footsteps making Umji and the others eye me curiously. I raised my eyebrows at them and mouthed them to go first, not really wanting to tell them the reason I stopped. Well, I just can’t bring myself to tell them I stopped because I wanted to hear some more briefings about Yerin and what is happening.

                 They stopped too. Maybe, from wanting to focus on their talk. I guess they don’t care about not missing some things on that room. Me? I care. I do. It’s just… I don’t think I’m ready.

               “She pushed the door open and it’s so loud the door bang on the wall on its right. Then she stood there for two seconds, her eyes are looking as if they are eagle eyes searching for its prey. Well, it does seem like that that I even heard someone ask worriedly if she’s going to fight someone.”

               I take some steps towards the side of the hall and lean my back on there. It’s just not okay to stay on the middle of the hallway and act like I’m not even caring nor listening to anyone’s stories.

               I fished out my phone on my pocket and pretend that I’m doing something though I am actually all ears to the storyteller

.

               “Then a girl quietly nudged that pretty girl at the third row, near the center isle. She called her president. So, maybe the newcomer got that position already. Quite impressive.” She continued.

               And I squint my eyes as my screen glowed towards me.

               A newcomer? I asked myself.

              “Ah. Right! There are two new ones in our school. Actually the other is just a rumor and the other is a sure one. The other is rumored that on the interview she spoke about being close with Hwang Eunbi before. They said that aside from her credentials, Hwang Eunbi became her pass too to go in our university.”

                   “Heol… Really?”

                 “Yeah.. you know how those kind of things work in our world.” The one who seems to know a lot answered. “I got the news too that the girl is a visual. I wonder though how she came to be close to Eunbi.”

The grip of my hand on my phone tighten. I’m glad someone ‘close’ to me got to enter the university but saying that is ‘how things work in our world’ is dirty. I don’t want people dragging me and my name out of those mud even when I’m not doing anything. I am mad that I became to be grouped with those people doing those ‘things’ when I, myself, became a victim of it too. I lowered my head as I walk some steps farther just so that they could not know I could hear them.

               I honestly am debating if they are that oblivious or they are just stupid that they don’t know people could hear them. More so… that I could hear them.

             “Wait!” The other girl said, covering as she wears a surprised face. “Is that the rumored girl that they said to be forgotten by Hwang Eunbi? They said that’s how the panel in the interview ended up laughing.”

             “Yeah.. that must be it.” The other said, thinking about it, as she put a hand on her chin.

             “Anyway, my focus is gotten by Star again. She walked in, so cool that I could relate with the people peeping through the window, praising her. She stood infront of the pretty newcomer and stared at her.”

               “I swear, I almost thought they are dating. Well, probably they are.”

               My eyes went blank. What dating? Is the transferee her childhood friend?

              “Then I heard the newcomer asked her as if she doesn’t care about Star or whoever Star is. She’s pretty cool. She asked, ‘Is something wrong?’”

                “OMG. Then then? What did star tell her?”

               “‘Come out for a moment’ She said. she suddenly went soft. Damn. If I could have someone like that.”

                “Pfft. As if.” I heard the other girl answer her. “Do you think Star would date someone in our level?”

             As for me, I wanted to shut them up but maybe I’m just being too bitter about it and they are definitely out of the story. There’s no reason I should be like that to those innocent people and to be honest, I may look like a rude one but I am not.

               Okay fine, maybe I am, somehow.

               The crowd went wild from the room again and the pair suddenly ran towards it. Of course, out of curiosity, I ran too. My eyes quickly search for a spot but I can’t find one. Fortunately, I saw the midget being treated like a princess by her admirers. They are giving her a good spot. And as if she could feel how I look at her, she turned around and her eyes sparkle as soon as it landed on me. She excitedly gestured for me to come towards her and so I did.

              It’s a free spot on the front row.

              And now, back to the present, I stand there, just beside her, staring into what the people have been wilding about. Eunha have a better view but mine isn’t that good, and I guess that’s good. I appreciate blocking my view at this point, it helps lessen the hurt that I’d receive sooner or later.

              I heard the girl who must be the newcomer speak. “If you have something to say, just say it here.”

              Woah.

          She said it plainly and direct that even I got surprised. She acts like Star isn’t that beautiful idol that the idols themselves choose her to be someone who they wish they could spend their christmas season with.

              I can sense that the people in the room are also surprised by it as they eyes became bigger while they turned to look at Yerin who have the same kind of face as them.

              She must have been surprised too.

              Well, even Eunha is shocked. Though I heard her chuckle making me look at her.

          “I could sense competition coming.” She whispered at me, her head is a bit closer towards me. “Jealousy. Rivalry… Oh, wait, the jealousy is already here. Rivalry would be for later.” She looked at me and wink before she grinned triumphantly at the sight before us.

              I… I could only sigh.

           I saw Star mouthed ‘here?’ to her. And the girl just said, without thinking twice, ‘Yes, right here.’”

              Everyone became quiet. Every eye is focused on that scene and what will happen any second soon. Hearts are beating furiously from the excitement, though mine probably stopped as soon as Star answered and did something that made my eyes want to come out of its socket.

              “Okay. Then here, as you wish.”

              Everyone screamed. Eyes are all focus on them. I could hear shutters from different phone cameras. And most of all, I could hear the closed wounds on my heart reopening. I could hear those stitches I have made being ripped open. Damn. I hate this.

I hate that burning feeling in my eyes and that liquid that is threatening to blur my vision. I hate the feeling like my heart is being stabbed and I just wanted to scream to let it all out. But screaming, doesn’t make it less.

Pink petals from the that tree outside the freshman building are falling slowly. Pink. Why should they be pink? It’s beautiful as what the others said. And I guess, I have the same thought about it, unless it concerns something. Just like how Yerin kiss that newcomer in front of me. They are all screaming out of those butterflies swarming on their stomach, but I am here, rooted on my spot hating the pink petals that are falling as if it’s mocking the shattered pieces of my heart falling from its place. I am here, hating what I am feeling and furthermore, hating what I am seeing right now.

“Hey.” I felt someone nudge me. And I thank God someone wants to take my eyes away from the disturbing sight.

I turned my head and my eyes met with those familiar orbs that never fails to make me feel that I’m something else, that I’m wanted, that she is always there and I could always be there with her. Those orbs are now sending a silent message, saying ‘I know what you’re feeling. Bear with it. It’ll be alright.”

And so,  I smiled as I nodded at her. I’m thankful, really. Somehow, I have this midget with me when I feel like this.

“It’ll be alright.” She said, her voice is caped with reassurement and something like she knows what is happening. But I smiled, knowing she meant well. “Just have faith. It’s alright.” She repeated as she turned her head back to the sight and smiled.

Anyway, so how many seconds do they want to kiss? It’s irritating me already.

I sighed and decided to do what’s good for my heart.

Get myself out of hell.

I turned and took some steps away. Yeah, just go SinB. Just go. I told myself. That is until I felt a hand grasp my left arm, stopping me from going farther. I did not turn to look. I told myself that maybe this time I can allow myself to escape from being hurt.

Cut!

I heard someone say.

What cut? I asked myself. And that hand that stop me from going away tighten its grip into me as I felt another one tugging my uniform. I sighed and turned around. I met that same midget’s face slowly turning into a grin.

“Girl, you are being so obvious about your budding feelings for her. They are just filming a drama for god’s sake!” She said, a little kidding and half-caring for me. “I almost thought you’re one of the actress they got and you got that role of someone getting heartbroken over their fake kiss.” She added making me knit my eyebrows.

“Fake kiss?” I asked to confirm while I let the other things she said at peace.

She hummed and gave me a strong nod. “Yes, fake.” She answered seconds later, seeing that I am still looking at her. “Look, this is the second take. And the director is already angry.”

Somehow, that made me at ease and the world seem okay again, although the pain on the reopened wounds still lingers. I look at the direction where Eunha is looking at. I guess, I should have tried to see earlier the half of the sight in the room which I am blocked a while ago. If I have seen that I would have known they are just filming something. How dumb could I be anyway?

I almost jump when I heard her talk again. “You’re not dumb. If you are then you can’t top those previous exams.” She turned to look back as