Warmth
Same, but DifferentSome kind of shock, they said. He needs therapy, they said.
"I think it's for the best that you two not meet for a while," Bang PD had told me before I left his office. Like I didn't already know...
That is why a month later, I'm sitting here in class wondering about life as the professor goes on about the history of music. It's a module - one of the many modules - I'd signed on for extra credit and I'm currently regretting the decision I'd made.
No, it was a good thing I'm busying myself. Frustrated, I let my head fall onto the desk with a loud bang and quickly look up again to apologise for startling the class.
From: Yoongi oppa
[He's getting better. Therapist says he's progressing faster than expected.]
Just like I've been doing, I read the message but do not reply.
From: Yoongi oppa
[How are you?]
From: Jun oppa
[I'm not getting nightmares anymore. I feel great but the doctor thinks I still need a few more sessions with him.]
[How are you?]
A pause.
From: Jun oppa
[I miss you.]
"I think it's for the best that you two not meet for a while," Bang PD had told me before I left his office. Like I didn't already know...
That is why a month later, I'm sitting here in class wondering about life as the professor goes on about the history of music. It's a module - one of the many modules - I'd signed on for extra credit and I'm currently regretting the decision I'd made.
No, it was a good thing I'm busying myself. Frustrated, I let my head fall onto the desk with a loud bang and quickly look up again to apologise for startling the class.
From: Yoongi oppa
[He's getting better. Therapist says he's progressing faster than expected.]
Just like I've been doing, I read the message but do not reply.
From: Yoongi oppa
[How are you?]
From: Jun oppa
[I'm not getting nightmares anymore. I feel great but the doctor thinks I still need a few more sessions with him.]
[How are you?]
A pause.
From: Jun oppa
[I miss you.]
Subconsciously, I rub my neck where faint bruises are marked.
“That’s it for today,” the professor announces and wraps up the lesson. Packing my bag, I meet up with Soo who’s already waiting for me outside.
“Tell me again why you’re still not seeing Namjoon?” Soo asks for the millionth time. “I mean they already caught that stalker, didn’t they? Two weeks ago! Wait, does Namjoon know?”
I breathe a sigh. It was Bang PD’s call that I stay away until the police catch the stalker but since Namjoon’s therapy sessions are still ongoing, I don’t want to disturb him. That, and also because we’re both busy. With so many more classes, I have tons of assignments to do and Namjoon… Bangtan released their new album just last week, so it’s expected that they’re surviving on tight schedules now.
“Busy,” I answer simply in response to Soo’s curiosity.
“Oh, please. You know yourself how ridiculous an excuse that is.” She rolls her eyes and pulls me off track.
“That’s not the way to the cafeteria.”
“Your next class isn’t until two hours later,” Soo reminds me. “Let’s go have chicken for lunch. How often is it that Woong has time to eat with us?”
Woong. After the disbandment of the band, we encouraged him to take on that offer he’d received from an entertainment agency. Currently a trainee, Woong rarely gets days off – today is one of those blue moons.
Woong meets us at the main entrance in his car, Ray and Seob inside with him. As usual, Ray and Woong are in a heated debate probably about the game last night and Seob’s engrossed in some girl group MV on his phone. I smile as a sense of familiarity hits me. Everything has been so uncomfortably strange the past month that unusual has become my norm. Ray notices us from the passenger seat beside Woong and waves at us. He then quickly stretches back and snaps his fingers at Seob for his attention.
“Noona!” Seob’s eyes widen at me as I open the back door. He quickly mutes his phone and locks it but not before I realise that he wasn’t really watching a girl group. Soo clears and glares at her brother.
“It’s fine, guys.” I slide into the backseat in beside Seob, Soo after me. Bangtan’s new album is addictive, this I have to admit. My friends don’t know, but I’ve been having it on replay myself since its release.
“Alright,” Woong breaks the awkwardness. “Fried chicken, let’s go!” Stepping on the accelerator, he speeds off.
We reach the restaurant in just under ten minutes and lucky for us, it isn’t crowded like it usually is since it’s already past the peak lunch hour. We grab a corner booth and easily decide on what we want. Being the youngest, Seob is tasked to go make the order at the counter.
Just like that, the day passes by unusually normally.
Being the only one with more classes in the evening, I take the bus back to school alone and manage to survive another four hours of lecture. Now, close to half past ten in the night, I lug my bag along with me as I drag myself out of the main gate.
I pull out my music player and plug in my earphones as my feet make its own decision to walk in the opposite direction of the bus stop.
“Don’t think of anything
Don’t say anything, not even a word
Just give me a smile.
“I still can’t believe it
All of this seems like a dream
Don’t try to disappear.”
Jungkook’s voice starts the song.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m already dead tired from a whole day of classes and I still have assignments due tomorrow that I have to work on but here I am walking my way home. It’s a twenty-minute bus ride back. On feet, how long will I take?
“You’re just like a butterfly
From afar, I steal glances; if we touch hands, will I lose you?
You shine in this pitch darkness that is the butterfly effect
Your light touches, I forget the reality at once.
“It’s like a wind that gently me
It’s like a dust that gently drifts along
You’re there but for some reason, I can’t reach you, stop
You, who’s like a dream, are a butterfly high to me.”
I let out an audible sigh and increase the volume by another two notches.
Which assignment should I start with? I don’t know for how much longer I can cope with so many modules. Should I just drop the extras so I can focus on my mains? But busy is good. No, my brain is about to explode.
I increase the volume by one more notch, the music blasting into my ears.
“Your eyebrows slightly grimacing at the sunlight
Gently shaking your fine soft hair
Intoxicated by your scent, my heart is tickling.
“Like the way you are my cheeks
Like the dust drifting along freely
You’re right there but why are you beyond my reach.”
Am I almost home? No, one song hasn’t even finished playing yet. Time is passing by so slowly. How much have I walked? I turn back, the gates of the school still within sight.
“I want to breathe, I hate this night
I want to wake up, I hate this dream
I’m trapped inside of myself and I’m dead.”
Oh? The next song plays as the first song ends.
“Why is it so dark where you’re not here
It’s dangerous how wrecked I am
Save me because I can’t get a grip on myself.”
Why am I even walking home? I must be crazy. I turn on my heels to head back to the bus stop but pause mid-step. Isn’t the bus stop pretty far away too? It’s around the corner one block away. Maybe I should just hail a cab.
“Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall
Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall.”
I turn back around. Yes, let’s just take a cab. I rub my sleepy eyes and take a big stride forward.
“I knew that your salvation
Is a part of my life
And the only helping hand that will embrace my pain
The best of me,
You’re the only thing I have
Please raise your voice
So that I can laugh again.”
Where did this pillar come from? Why is there even a pillar in the middle of a sidewalk? I put a hand up to my forehead where I bumped it.
Wait, this isn’t a pillar. I look up at the human-shaped silhouette, darkened out by the lamppost behind. I take an alarmed step back and trip on my own feet in the process. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, the silhouette moves, catching me before I can hit the ground. Brought back up to my feet, a familiar warmth wraps itself around me.
Songs: Butterfly by BTS, translation by Color Coded Lyrics & Save Me by BTS, translation by Color Coded Lyrics
Comments