That night, I lie awake in bed unable to sleep. I was let off work early so straight after my shoot, I changed and came home immediately. But even after a long shower, the tingling feel of Rap Mon’s hand on my is still there. I squirm around in bed.

 

Why can’t I fall asleep? What is it about him that’s causing me this much distress? I sit upright, frustrated. The digital clock on my bedside table blinks 1AM. I contemplate on calling Soo, but I remember her text from this morning, something about a midnight show the band has scheduled. I sigh. Getting dressed, I take my bicycle out for a little exercise along Han River.

 

Even in the dim lighting, I cycle as if it’s the broad daylight. I’ve cycled down this path so many times I’ve already memorised every corner, every turn. Like every time I come, I stop at the same place and dismount from the bicycle. I lean over the railing separating the river and I.

 

“Namjoon-ah,” I call out into the dark. “I’m here again.” Turning around, I slide down against the railing and sit on the cold ground.

 

“You came up in my thoughts again today,” I say to no one. “You remember the photoshoot too, don’t you?” I smile. “It was our first professional photoshoot.”

 

“Namjoon-ah.” A tear quietly falls. “I still miss you. A lot."

 

“A year has passed, but it still seems to me that it was just yesterday you were still beside me.” More tears fall.

 

“You know, Namjoon? There’s this guy I met recently. He has the same name as you, though I never call him that. Every time I look at him, I think of you.” I scratch the asphalt with a rock."

 

“Namjoon-ah… what should I do?” I throw the rock backwards and hear it splash into the water. “Without you here, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.”

 

A short laugh escapes my lips. “But what right do I have to be saying all these… It’s my fault that you’re not here anymore."

 

"It’s... my fault... Namjoon-ah…” Now the tears flow like the Nigeria falls. “It’s all my fault. Namjoon-ah, I’m sorry…"

 

"I’m sorry…”

 

A/N: short update, but this is not all for today!