“Do you like me?” I can’t help but ask.

 

“What if I say I do?” Namjoon looks straight into my eyes, but I look away.

 

“Don’t.”

 

“Why not? Byeol, don’t tell me you don’t feel anything for me.”

 

I search my own heart for answers. I can’t deny a certain attraction to him, but it is frustratingly ambiguous. I don’t know what to say.

 

“Byeol…” Namjoon takes my hand in his but I pull away.

 

“You know yourself best, Byeol. Whenever you subconsciously lean on me, you being worried about me that you come here late at night,” Namjoon goes on. “I can feel your heart there.”

 

“Is that it? Just because I worry for you?” I fake a laugh. “Ah, oppa, you must have misunderstood something.”

 

Namjoon’s face falls. “W-what are you talking about?”

 

“You’re like an older brother to me. How can I possibly not worry about you?” I shake my head. “If I’ve caused you to think otherwise then I apologise but I don’t have romantic feelings for you.”

 

My head feels like it’s about to explode. This is not what I came for. I was supposed to listen to his troubles and relieve some of his stress – it seems like I’ve ended up hurting him even more.

 

No, this is probably for the best. With my life in such a mess now, there’s no way I can accept his feelings. This attraction I feel towards him – it’s only because he reminds me of him. That’s it. My heart is still with Namjoon, it always has been. I stand and grab my bag.

 

“You should sleep on it,” I tell him. “Maybe you’ll realise that what you feel for me now isn’t what you think it is.” I turn sharply and head out the door. In my peripheral vision as I do so, I see Namjoon struggle to stand. On jelly support, his legs betray him as he falls back to the floor. Despite the tear in my heart, I maintain a cool front and walk out without even a look at him.

 

I stand for minutes at the entrance of the building, tears falling as I hear music come on again.

 

To: Yoongi oppa

[You should probably go to Namjoon oppa.]

 

I send the text and leave, heading in the opposite direction of my house. My phone rings a couple of times but I ignore it. Rejecting the last call, I dial Soo’s number instead.

 

“Can I come over?” I ask as soon as she picks up. She agrees immediately. Not even bothering to put in my earphones, I walk towards her house with heavy steps.

 

“Noona!” Seob catches me before I fall just outside their door. With his wallet in hand, he was probably on his way to the convenience store.

 

“Did you walk here?” Soo scolds as Seob helps me in. He lets go of me as I fall onto the sofa.

 

“I rejected him.”

 

The siblings are silent at my sudden outburst. “Seob.” With just one word from his sister, Seob leaves the house.

 

“Who did you reject? Namjoon?”

 

I nod. “I… he…”

 

“Take your time.” Soo passes me a glass of warm water.

 

“He sounded like he was upset about something. I was worried, so I went to find him. But he… he…”

 

“He confessed but you’re not sure of your feelings so you rejected him?” No doubts this is my best friend. She knows everything even without having me tell her.

 

“He’s not Namjoon,” Soo says this as a statement.

 

“Of course he’s not Namjoon!”

 

“But you think you like him because he reminds you of Namjoon.”

 

“I don’t think. It has to be it. How else can I have feelings for him when I barely know him?”

 

“Does he really though?”

 

I stare at her. “What?”

 

“Remind you of Namjoon, besides the fact that they share the same name.”

 

“I…” Does he? “He likes music, just as Namjoon did. He…” What else?

 

“That’s it?” Soo rolls her eyes. “You know yourself best, Lee Byeol. Bringing him to Auntie’s, sticking to him… calling him oppa. You’ve never done any of that to Namjoon before.”

 

“But…”

 

“Maybe the confused one is you,” Soo says. “Maybe your feelings for Namjoon was the brotherly one. This time, it could be real.”

 

She pauses to think. “I know you, Byeol. Maybe even better than you know yourself. The way you smile when you see him, or blush whenever he comes too close.”

 

There is a knock in the door, and Soo goes to open it. Expecting just Seob, I stare blankly when Yoongi comes in beside him.

 

“What are you doing here?” I ask him. He should be with Namjoon.

 

“Why, are you worried about Namjoon?” Yoongi’s voice sounds deeper with no hint of his usual tease. I look away. “He’s at the dorm already.”

 

I heave a mental sigh of relieve. “His legs…” I shut myself up before I can say anything else. Yoongi smirks.

 

“He’ll probably have to stay home tomorrow.” Silence. “Namjoon told me.”

 

“What difference is it going to make?” I pull my knees toward my chest.

 

“I can’t change how you think, but at least I can tell you that Namjoon’s feelings for you are true.” He pauses, and goes on to say, “Ever since he saw you again at our concert while you were working that time.”

 

Yoongi sits down beside me. “I’m not even exaggerating when I say you’re his life saviour.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“That time you came to the company with him, Namjoon just had his monthly assessment. PD-nim wasn’t too happy with him because he apparently he wasn’t Bangtan-like enough. People were saying that Bangtan didn’t need someone like him. Obviously, it was a huge blow to him – this kid knew nothing but Bangtan.

 

“But then you came about. According to him, it was like he saw an angel before his eyes. Your voice was so angelic to him that he felt it right in his soul. You have no idea how ecstatic he was when he found out your band busker regularly at Hongdae. He would go there every time just to hear you sing. He said it was healing, that it gave him strength. No one could stop him from going out, not even after our debut. He also secretly attended a few of your gigs even though he would always get scolded by our manager when he came back.

 

“One day, you stopped going out. He heard about your band performing at more gigs but then you weren’t there anymore. I’ve never seen him so down before – he would just lock himself in his studio the whole day. Time passed and he finally returned to his usual self.

 

“Until you showed up again.”

 

Should I be saying something? After that long speech, I’m not sure if my brain is even still functioning.

 

“Namjoon died,” Soo says after a while of silence.

 

“Soo.” I call her the same time Seob calls, “Noona.”

 

“Namjoon died, and Byeol almost went into depression. She thinks it’s her fault Namjoon died, but it really isn’t. She’s been spending the past year feeling hung up on him until this Namjoon came about.”

 

“What are you two doing, taking turns to make speeches?” I lie down on the sofa with my legs hanging off the front side.

 

“Come to think about it, Byeol, Namjoon probably helped you forget Namjoon more than he made you remember.”

 

“Noona’s right,” Seob butts in.

 

“Kid, go to bed. You still have Math tuition in the morning with me.” I point a stern finger at him and he pouts and goes into his room. “I’m going to bed too,” I say as I roll off the sofa. Yoongi grabs my arm and turns me around. He looks into my eyes.

 

“Go.” With a smirk, he lets go. I watch him turn to Soo and nod his head. She returns with a ‘I told you so’ face. Sticking my tongue out at him, I drag my feet into Soo’s room.

 

She comes in some many minutes later after having seen Yoongi out.

 

“What did you tell him?” I ask as she closes the door.

 

“I didn’t tell him anything.”

 

“Liar. What did he say?”

 

“Namjoon will be alone at the dorm tomorrow and he can’t even stand properly not to mention do anything else.” Soo lies down beside me. Facing up, I can’t see her face but I can hear it in her tone.

 

“I’m not going.”

 

“Nobody told you to,” she says. “But I wonder how he’ll get through the day. Guess he’ll just have to lie in bed and starve and…”

I tone her out and close my eyes as sleep consumes me.

---