Letting go
Same, but Different“It’s all my fault. Namjoon-ah, I’m sorry…”
“Byeol.” Namjoon…? My head immediately snaps towards the direction of the sound but I see no one. I turn to look around but still I don’t see anyone. This place is empty.
“Byeol-ah,” the voice calls my name again.
“Who’s there?” I take a step away from the railing, my heart beating rapidly from fear. A cold presence behind me forces me to turn around and as I do, I gasp. I stumble a couple of steps back.
“Byeol…”
“Nam… Namjoon?” I can’t believe my eyes. Am I hallucinating now? As quickly as it came, my fears dissipated and all I want to do now is run into the arms of the man in front of me. Hesitantly, I reach out a hand. Namjoon takes it in his own, the feel of his skin icy cold against mine.
“Lee Byeol,” Namjoon’s lips don’t move even though he’s speaking. The cold trickling of a tear down my face startles me as I wipe it away with my other hand.
"Namjoon," I call his name again.
“Stop being sorry.” His words bring a chill down my spine. “It wasn’t even your fault in the first place.”
“Namjoon-ah, I…” I don’t know what to say. I had a list of things I wanted to tell him if I ever met him again but now that he’s in front of me, I don’t know what to say.
“Byeol-ah, you have to let me go, live your own life. It’s already been so long.”
“You know I’ll never be able to do that,” I tell him. I reach up a hand to caress his face but he turns away. I let my hand drop.
“How long do you want to live like this, waiting for someone who’s never coming back?” Namjoon looks straight into my eyes, his words daggers to my heart.
“What do you mean?” More tears fall. “Aren’t you here now?” I look up at him hopefully. It’s like he’s only been away for a holiday and now he’s finally come back. Namjoon shakes his head.
“The only reason I’m here now is because of you, Byeol. I can’t cross over – you’re holding me back.”
“I…” I’m doing what?
“Please let me go now, Byeol-ah.”
“Namjoon-ah, I… I can’t live without you. You know that!” I grab onto Namjoon, worried that he’ll disappear suddenly. He shakes his head again.
“Then it’s time for you to learn.”
“No…” Now it’s my turn to turn away.
“Byeol.” Namjoon’s voice is stern, forcing me to look back up at him. “Please. I know what you’re thinking but Byeol, what you are feeling for me now isn’t love anymore. They’re just leftover feelings from what we used to be.”
“What?”
“If not for yourself then at least do it for me.” Namjoon’s voice was trembling and tears flow down his ghostly face. I reach up a hand to wipe the tears away, letting it linger there for a while more as Namjoon covers my hand with his. He closes his eyes and leans into my palm. It is only now that I notice the handsome features of his that I remember have been replaced by weariness. I see no trace of the goofy and playful Namjoon I knew. I pull my hand back.
“Okay…” I say reluctantly. But Namjoon’s right – if not for myself, then at least for the peace of him. A smile finally lines Namjoon’s pale lips. I close my eyes to fight the tears and as I do, a cold softness touches my lips. When I open my eyes, only the river appears in front me of, and Namjoon is nowhere to be seen.
“It won’t be easy but Namjoon-ah, I’ll let you go now…” I whisper into the wind and pray that wherever he is, he will be happy.
Quietly, as I finish the song, I bring my guitar down to the railing guarding the river. Leaning the instrument on the rusting metal, I wipe my tears and take one last look at my friends before pushing my bicycle along with me as I head back home.
A/N: Flashback is related to Chapter 10.
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