Chapter 1:

Deeper than Black Holes

September & September

September 2009

"Hey Kyungsoo." Kim Jongin called out the doe eyed guy who was seen biting the tip of his eraser anxiously or maybe just because of mere boredom, he can't just tell. The doe eyed guy named Do Kyungsoo looked very attentive to the teacher as she scribbles her lecture on the white board. But all his attention faded when the dark skinned kid nudged him.

"Hey Kyungsoo hyung." Jongin called out once again, earning a few laughs from another tall kid beside him, Park Chanyeol. The teacher was not actually paying attention to the student's mischief because she has own ways on how to grade students. If you don't listen, you go down the pit. So instead, she kept on blabbering things about South Korea's Dynasties.

Kyungsoo knows all about this petty grading system that's why he's making an effort to listen although History subject is pretty boring for him. He needed to graduate with honors for him to have his own law firm---in his opinion.

Kyungsoo wasn't one of the most popular kids but due his innocent looks, voice and big eyes---he is quite a talk. He is also known for being sarcastic, blunt and really a boy with a stand. That's why they say he's a fitted lawyer that whenever there are issues or debates, Kyungsoo would always barge himself in the problem plus in written essays and explanations, he would always get the perfect score or maybe 3 points less.

"Kyungie hyung." Jongin murmured for the last time while Kyungsoo lengthened his patience. He knows when is the right time to talk and it's not definitely now. When Jongin kept on calling his name, his patience got blown out causing him to suddenly grab Chanyeol's permanent marker.

"Hey! I'm the next reporter so give it back you !" Chanyeol shouted that earned a loud 'shhhh' from the teacher and from Kyungsoo. It's true that he'll be discussing in front of the class after Mrs. Oh discussed her lesson.

"Would you shut up!?" Kyungsoo finally turned to both of them with narrowed eyebrows. Jongin gave him a mocking stare and wiggled his eyebrows. He liked it whenever Kyungsoo's mad, his eyebrows would almost meet and his lips would twitch in anger.

Jongin just appreciates even small things like this.

"Shut up or I'll staple your ing mouths." Kyungsoo threatened with another sharp glare. Jongin chuckled but shut his mouth immediately. Chanyeol elbowed Jongin. "Damn you, give it back." The curly haired boy tried his best to keep his voice low but Jongin was just too hard headed. He stuck his tongue out and turned to Kyungsoo's direction---who was just one seat apart from him from the next column.

He gazed at Kyungsoo's milky white arms and a grin formed on his face, indicating that a playful plan has emerged from the other side of his brain.

"What the---" Kyungsoo gasped in disbelief when he felt the cold tip of the black marker on his skin, creating a black straight line.

It's not true that Kyungsoo and Jongin aren't close, they are close but not to the fact that they would share secrets and such. They consider themselved as close friends who happens to talk a lot and share lots of things. Plus, Kim Jongin had a record for being friendly. He would always be laughing with Jongdae or maybe being a jerk with Chanyeol. 

His good looks are such a bonus to personality too. Girls would be seen stealing a glance from his defined features and admire him greatly. However Jongin wasn't always this playful, there are times wherein he gets very shy. It wasn't such a notice if you're never close with the boy.

Due to anger, Kyungsoo stood up and immediately grabbed the marker, drawing a small line on Jongin's forehead.

"What the hell!?" It was Jongin's turn to gasp.

"One more and I'll really strangle you." That was Kyungsoo's last warning before asking his other seatmate, Byun Baekhyun, for a sanitizer.

Jongin frowned at the fact that his handsome face is being treated as a canvas but he shrugs at the consciousness and tells himself, it was Do Kyungsoo's fault. He looked rather amused too even though he tried his best to hide it to play along the given attention. The boy asked his other seatmate, Huang Zi Tao for alcohol too. Zi Tao who had just been tapped from the back gave him a bland look and gave him what he wanted. It isn't the first time that incidents like this would happen.

Jongin rubbed his forehead alongside with the spray of sanitizer but he missed the spot.

The scene was making Chanyeol cackle. 

"Help hyung, spray this on my forehead." Jongin tried to ask for help and Kyungsoo didn't even oblige since it was his fault too. Sometimes Kyungsoo's reasonable but sometimes he's very paranoid. He placed the sanitizer on his palm and Jongin leaned his well carved face to the latter. But that moment when Kyungsoo sprayed the sanitizer---

"Aww !" Jongin screamed. " I think it got into my eye Kyungsoo!"

Mrs. Oh seemed to be startled from the sudden loud noise but she only gave it a small part of her attention before writing their next assignment on the board.

On the other hand, Kyungsoo panicked but he didn't show it that much.He knew that he missed the spot! It's not that harmful! "I didn't spray it on your eyes, it's distant." Kyungsoo defended. He hated that he's getting worried because Jongin's now threatening him.

"If I got blind Kyungsoo---tomorrow." Jongin says in a low tone, putting a handkerchief on his right eye, gently caressing it. A scenario popped inside Kyungsoo's head. He was taking Jongin to the clinic, he was scolded by Jongin's parent's and the boy is going to be blind---everything completely his fault.

Now he's being paranoid.

"Let me see." Kyungsoo set aside his pride and initiated, his attention fully leaving the teacher "I swear I missed it."  He tried to get the handkerchief away from Jongin's right eye. His eyes are full of concern and he was sighing so much. 

"When you spray of course it spreads at the different directions, you know that it's alcohol, it hurts." It was Chanyeol's turn to stir up Kyungsoo's conscience.

Jongin inwardly kind of liked it that Kyungsoo was worried for him. The truth be spoken but Jongin's right eye isn't hurting anymore, it's true that it got into his eye but it's not aching. He just took advantage of his condition so that he could have Kyungsoo that close to him. He rarely gets opportunities like this since Kyungsoo's friends are not in much favor of the sudden display of lowkey affections. 

#HowToGetYourGuyByKimJongin

Jongin finally stood up, trying to get a grip of the drama.

Kyungsoo became so uneasy about Jongin suddenly standing up and walking towards the window. He quickly follows, "Does it really hurt?" He asked with his hand on the handkerchief and slightly nudging Jongin's fingers.

Jongin sighed, he got what he want so he needed to stop.

He removed the handkerchief and brightly smiled at Kyungsoo.

"It was a joke. I am fine but i like it when you're like that."

Kyungsoo restrained himself to kill him on the spot so he just kicked Jongin's knee before marching away with eyebrows knitting and eyes fluttering in annoyance.

---

Kyungsoo didn't actually like the idea of not having Jongin not close to him. It was only a recent feeling. They were actually seatmates at the first grading, the boy was beside him. They would always share books, paper and exchange jokes. Kyungsoo was pleased of Jongin's presence although he seemed to be arrogant at first sight. As small jokes turned into a big time laugh, Kyungsoo became so comfortable with him.

Then came 2nd Grading wherein Jongin was 4 columns away from him. He couldn't help it but to look at Jongin from faraway and at times, whenever Jongin would give his attention to Kyungsoo, he would be very happy his spirit in bliss. Sometimes, he would travel from column to column just to talk to him or maybe just to nudge the president to change the seating arrangement.

He admitted to himself that he liked Jongin's company, no matter how annoying he is.

Once they had an activity wherein you needed to give a letter to those you have something to say to and it was Kyungsoo's greatest shock when Jongin gave him a handwritten letter.

Kyungsoo,

Sorry if I'm always that annoying. You're just too cute when you're annoyed. Thank you for the jokes, paper and all.

-J.

20 words made Kyungsoo's heart flutter. Nope, He didn't have a crush on him but he was just happy and surprised because he never expected it. Jongin didn't give letters to everyone---meaning that maybe they are close and Jongin liked his company too.

Kyungsoo only thought of that letter the whole day.

---

There were times wherein Jongin and Kyungsoo would exchange shoes. Jongin would ask him too because he found Kyungsoo's shoes to be comfortable. He was hesitant at first considering of the size but it was definitely worth a laugh when Jongin drags his legs like some sort of injured man. 

"Hey kyung hyung," Jongin called in a hushed whisper. Kyungsoo didn't hear it but his attention diverted to the person who was slightly tugging his left shoe off his foot and replacing it with a larger one.

Jongin winked at him, "Thanks hyung."

"Give it back! We're going to the Science Laboratory you rascal!" Kyungsoo scolded the younger. Jongin chuckled and began walking away, slightly limping. Kyungsoo ran up to him, looking limping because of the shoes.

"Give it back to me Kim Jongin!"

Jongin paused running and faced the small boy. "What? Say that again."

Kyungsoo was taken aback and he got a sudden lump inside his throat. His heartbeats became doubled when he met Jongin's eyes. "W-What?"

"Say that again." Jongin demanded, his smile not leaving. "Give it back to me Kim Jongin!" Jongin imitated Kyungsoo's voice and actions.

"G-Give it back to me kim jongin." Kyungsoo whispered, his temper decreasing. Jongin strolled towards his position and purposely leaned, "Louder." It seemed like a taunt and he wasn't liking it.

Kyungsoo, to hide being flushed, grabbed his shoe and walked away. He threw Jongin's shoe and stomped his feet.

"I like it when you say my full name!" Jongin shouts back at him.

--

Graduations aren't always the end of everything. Somehow that's moving up and getting the things you've worked hard for. Earning a step and another step, being an independent human. Kyungsoo got himself a medal after excelling at his subjects and his seatmate was indeniably proud of him. Whenever Kyungsoo was called on stage, he controlled hard not to stand up.

When the graduation ceremony almost ended, that's when Jongin confessed his love for Kyungsoo. Jongin told him that he's not actually good at showing his feelings, that's why he always joked around Kyungsoo, that's why he always wanted his attention---that was because he liked that certain person. It was a feeling that he developed after he got close with him, comfort disguised as admiration.

Sure he liked a few girls before but to him Kyungsoo was just exceptional.

"Why me?" Kyungsoo asked in disbelief despite the raging heartbeat.

"Does it always need a reason?"

"I need the exact reason." Kyungsoo demanded and folded his arms on his chest. Since he read a few psychology books, he knew what those lying gestures mean.

"I love you."

Kyungsoo saw sincerity from his eyes.

His heart shaped lips formed into a smile.

When did he ever say No to Jongin? 

---

September 2012

Everything went so well for the two. They didn't change schools but separated due course and studies. Jongin took Engineering and Kyungsoo took Law but connections never stopped, they would always find time. They would always be there for each other, whether it's about academics, a good chat or just a few exchanges of cuddling and kisses. Nothing would make him feel how Jongin does. There's nothing like both of them. They would always be joking with each other rather than being sweet. Kyungsoo liked how each other's presence would complete their day. No, Like was an understatement. He loved Jongin's presence. It was just very overwhelming for him to feel this way, to fall just so hard. What kind of spell did Jongin give him? It was just so deep but scary.

He embraced Jongin's flaws, studied everything he does and would give him the best smiles that he had to offer. To be behind Jongin's happiness, it was much more of what he asked. It was simply a blessing and he cannot take it if it'll be someday be over.

Please no, God no.

Happiness rarely appeared in his vocabulary. After his parents died and he was left to be adopted with his sister and cancer patient aunt, life wasn't perfect for him but when Jongin came, even if reality blows there was an escape.

Kyungsoo loved Jongin so much.

In fact, Just too much.

They were so perfect.

But not such perfection exists.

Jongin loved him too,

But

.

.

.

.

.

"Soo, are you really not going to---"

"Jongin I'm busy." Kyungsoo shoved him away, slightly massaging his temple. His eyes hurt and and all those sleepless nights are giving him a total screw up. "Please, I've got tons of books to read. I don't want to waste my time. Jongin, if you have to say something or was this uh, about that movie again?"

Jongin remained silent, words stabbing him.

"I'm sorry I can't go this week." Kyungsoo explained and slumped at the small couch Chanyeol bought. "It's just, everything's a stress."

"It's always a no." Jongin was hurt of what Kyungsoo said. So I'm just a waste of time huh?

"Kyungsoo, It's been three months since we had a proper---don't you think I am a r-responsibility too?"

Kyungsoo's mood even dropped, now Jongin's bringing up bulls and his brain cannot process more stress. "You are Jongin, you ing are but can't you just stop just asking a good time for always? What about your exams? Are you doing well? Please do understand me. I don't want to repeat and fail again. Bar exams are just--You know how much I wanted this right?" Kyungsoo propelled him again, not even minding how hurt Jongin might be and how insensitive he is.

Jongin's thoughts came into a big halt. He wanted to shout at him, tell him that he'd brought him sandwiches because he knew that Kyungsoo loved those to calm down. That maybe a few hugs might not hurt but why is Kyungsoo shoving him against the door like he wanted to shut his life away from his lover? Jongin wanted to tell him that his life is also stressful. That he'd always get scolded for not studying and always finding a way to contact him. He would deny the drinks and parties that Chanyeol would offer because Kyungsoo told him not to. It felt like he was deprived of his freedom and that no things are spicing up their relationship.

Jongin was hurt thinking that maybe Studies are more important to Kyungsoo. That maybe, he was just too clingy and all. Was he even important at this point? Bull.

What can he say? He's in love with him.

"Please go." Kyungsoo demanded and pushed Jongin away. "I'm really not in a good mood right now. My head is throbbing. Just go. I'll try to go give a call."

Jongin couldn't believe that Kyungsoo might be just throwing their 4 years away.

"Understand you?" Jongin finally spoke up. "Then who would understand me?"

He was tired.

It's always been Kyungsoo.

It was never them both, ever since college started, Kyungsoo started being studious to the point that he almost forgot about Jongin. Forgetting some of their dates and video calls. Kyungsoo sometimes doesn't notice what he's skipping but sometimes he would make it up to the younger.

"Is it really tiring Soo? I just needed a few minutes." Jongin tried to reach out, wanting Kyungsoo to claim his feeling. 

"I'm sorry Jongin but please.." Kyungsoo felt so guilty but his exams are coming, he can't waste time....

Yes Kyungsoo also wanted to spend time but now he needed to pass. He didn't fall out of love for the younger but he just wanted Jongin to understand that after a few months, if he passed, then they would share their life together. Kyungsoo could step out of the stress box and take care of Jongin. He can even help him out of some math and planning. He can adapt engineering for his boyfriend. Maybe things can fall back to place just like before.

"We'll have our time soon." Kyungsoo replied, a faint whisper following it. "Please."

"I understand your choice but at least let me do this." Jongin told him, maybe misinterpreting but he knows one thing, He's tired, he is tired for always initiating; he's tired of loving kyungsoo. He wanted attention, he wanted kyungsoo just Do Kyungsoo himself.

Jongin fished a small tablet from his pocket. "Please, if you even have a minute, drink this. It'll help you." He placed it on his desk, eyes getting watery. "And don't call me. It's okay Soo, I know your reasons now." Kyungsoo felt a little sting inside his heart but if things get more complicated now, it might lead to a catastrophe. He hated the idea of him and Jongin fighting. Kyungsoo ignored the lingering pain and just nodded, grabbing a thick book from his study desk. Jongin heaved a deep sigh as he walked to the door, giving Kyungsoo one last glance before leaving.

.

.

.

Little did Kyungsoo know that that was Jongin's sign of Leaving.

Jongin's Goodbye.

And what hurts the most is that he doesn't notice it. He's completely oblivious. 

----

Due what happened that evening, Jongin grew distant of Kyungsoo. Jongin would always be hanging out with Chanyeol, not giving kyungsoo their continuous contact and instead focusing with his own life. He reasoned for himself that he might be a bother so he decided to give Kyungsoo what he wanted, space. He convinced himself that he's already old enough to stand his decisions. There are nights wherein he can't sleep, fingers aching to swipe that call button to call Kyungsoo but it took him a lot of courage to avoid it.

Jongin just thought that maybe it was best if it goes this way.

So he'll not be hurt initiating, that maybe Kyungsoo can realize what he had done.

And so it was,

Kyungsoo noticed this after reading a few paragraphs of Minseok's latest romance novel and the guilt swept him off his feet. 

It was Monday when Kyungsoo decided to stop reading Law books of South Korea and instead knock on his boyfriend's apartment.

"Hey," Kyungsoo called out after opening the door. A Jongin in his boxers, messy hair and white sando comes into view. Kyungsoo swallows a huge lump of guilt. He doesn't know how he'll approach the boy on the couch. It felt like there's a wall, distancing them up. It's been days since he last heard Jongin's voice, that soothing voice. "Jongin, I'm free today. Want to watch a movie? I researched online this movie that you liked according to Chanyeol. The bill's on me though."

Jongin didn't even budge an inch to turn to Kyungsoo, he's very focused at his game and instead groaned when another player kicked his avatar. He gritted his teeth when he was being ganged up by other players, virtual blood flowing out of his character's limbs.

"J-Jongin? Hey, I'm sorry about those times I'm not there for you, not understanding you. I'm so sorry. I wanted to make it up to you, please? I hope it's not yet too late." Kyungsoo apologizes, hoping that Jongin would forgive him. 

Jongin didn't answer.

Kyungsoo begged himself to believe that maybe Jongin didn't hear it so he repeats himself, "A-About what happened a week ago, I'm sorry. You're right. I should've been smart dividing my attention to you and books right? I-I'm such a, such a bad person, right?"

No words came out of Jongin's lips, it was just pressed into a thin line of annoyance.

It took a few minutes of silence. When Jongin's avatar died, that was his only time of answering Kyungsoo.

"You were saying something?"

You're not listening. Kyungsoo's heart grew sad.

"Ah, movie? Sorry hyung, I'm not available today."

"B-But I Chanyeol said that you wanted to watch this movie so bad. You were bugging him so much--" Kyungsoo still tried to approach but Jongin's dead eyes made him stop arguing. It looked to bland and empty, it was making him break down. Those aren't Jongin's eyes, he wouldn't never look at Kyungsoo that way.

"Nah, forget it. It's just a waste of time." Jongin says, his attention back at the game. "What are you still doing here? Go study. Don't waste time, it's gold right Kyungsoo?"

"Jongin, I'm sorry." Kyungsoo's voice was almost breaking. He isn't used to Jongin being cold. It was all new to him and it might be a consequence.

"No it's okay, I would want you to be successful too. Sorry, I'm really busy today." Jongin started the game anew,  "Please close the door."

Kyungsoo just looked down, Jongin just told him to go away.

Kyungsoo quietly strolled towards the door, hitting his heavy chest, finally letting his tears fall, "Don't you dare cry Kyungsoo, you deserve that don't you? Don't be pathetic, Jongin's treating you based from what you treated him."

Despite the emotions, Kyungsoo's analytical side still got to him that maybe this is that thing called Karma but it just hurts so much, .

---

Last month before the exams and Kyungsoo's excelling at his Law class. Junmyeon and Minseok, his close friends are truly proud of him. He managed to pass his professor's questions and fought every criticisms. Endless remarks of every close friend and family but kyungsoo's still waiting for one greeting---and that's from Jongin.

Kyungsoo was now the one initiating the talk not the younger anymore.

And even though they still had dates, he could sense how Jongin's losing interest. He observed it from their last recent dates. Time and conversations are getting smaller and smaller. Hugs are quick and not felt. 

But one particular day, something happened.

Kyungsoo hoped that maybe his actions wakened the inner Jongin that loves him, the Jongin that he still loved so much.

From: Jongin ; 7:12 am

I'll fetch you 8:00 am. Be there hon, we'll watch Doctor Strange together!

Don't keep me waiting, you're beautiful.

I love you.

-J

Kyungsoo got overly excited that he abandoned the stacks of books that he's studying. He scanned his closet and tried to find the best shirt. He found one but was wrinkled that's why he did iron them and even got a burn because of haste movements.

Due the excess time, Kyungsoo even prepared he and Jongin's favorite sandwich. It was Tuna flavored. His eyes were smiling and he was very enthusiastic the whole day.

To: Jongin

Wait for me at the bus stop, the usual spot.

I love you too, thank you for this chance. 

Kyungsoo frowned when he felt raindrops falling on his head and shoulder. He looked above and noticed that the skies are pitch black and angry. His roommate Baekhyun borrowed his umbrella and the drizzle is getting heavier. Kyungsoo doesn't have a choice. He hugged the box of sandwiches and just ran towards the bus stop. His expectation of Jongin arriving with an umbrella never faltered from his mind. It was just such a boyfriend look on Jongin and he couldn't help it but to giggle a bit. 

He sat there with a huge grin still painted on his face. He was happy that his boyfriend now initiated the time for them both. Finally, the cold treatment's decreasing.

Just a month more Jongin, I'm finally free. We could hang out more. Kyungsoo thought.

All he could think is only Jongin.

.

.

.

.

Time passed, it was already 8:30 am and there were no signs of Jongin.

It was now raining cats and dogs and Kyungsoo's shoes are now soaked, even Kyungsoo himself. Kyungsoo didn't even budge an inch and instead hugged the box of sandwiches, those are for Jongin and he must protect it.

.

.

.

.

9:20 am

Nothing happened.

Kyungsoo looked down at his phone, all his texts, did Jongin receive them?

Jongin was never late. In fact he was always on time, always.

Of course, he was sure that Jongin received them. Jongin is the type of person who is very easy to contact. Maybe something happened to Jongin?

But then Kyungsoo shrugged.

Funny.

He just needed to accept it.

He is a smart guy; he needed to understand his analysis. He's better than that and he's not dumb.

The text was not for him.

And

Jongin's not coming.

.

.

.

It's been a month and exams are done, results came out and he was now Atty. Do. Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo wiped his tears away and tried to call his boyfriend. He wanted Jongin to be the first one to know. He wanted to embrace his boyfriend, ask sorry and hug him tightly. He wante dto give him the world and all of his time. He wanted to apologize again and again even though he knew that at the past few months, he's the one exerting effort for them both.

Even if he knows that there's something going on. A rumor that's just so ing sickening to be heard. 

"Hello?" Kyungsoo called out after the call's been claimed. He almost crumpled the edge of his shirt because of excitement.

"H-hello?" A female voice squeaked out. That was not Jongin's voice, it belonged to someone else. Why does she have Jongin's phone? Kyungsoo's mind became cloudy like he can't think straight. All of his fears came diving from the back of his mind and it was taunting him to cry. 

He knew something. He's not dumb yet he chose to be so that things between him and Jongin wouldn't end so easily, even though it'll still come to that point. He admits that he lacked at some part but he didn't expect that the whole thing just shattered right in front of his eyes without even putting up a fight. What were those words that are called a promise?

"H-Hi! You're Krystal right?" Kyungsoo still kept his voice stable even though he's a bit stuttering and breaking. He can't take it.

"I—Oh my Gosh," Krystal remarked and her voice was replaced by the voice that he yearned for so long. 

"Jonginniee!" Kyungsoo called out, trying to find that enthusiasm present a few moments ago but his fears are drowning them all. "I p-passed the test. Aren't you proud of m-me?"

There was a long pause.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo was at the verge of crying again. His chest was just so heavy that he didn't expect that it would blow up this much. He felt so betrayed, so empty that he just wished he was just being pranked. Maybe there was a surprise party for him right?  "You're proud of Kyungsoo right? Right?"

"O-Of course Hyung." The thing that's just so weakening is just the fact that Jongin's voice seemed so normal. He's not shocked so it felt so intentional. 

"W-We can finally have time. I reserved two tickets for the Dance showdown that you wanted to see. After you're done with your friend Krystal then maybe we can---" He was suddenly cut off by Jongin. "Kyungsoo, stop it."

Kyungsoo's tears were already racing down his cheeks. He felt like a vodoo doll being thrown and pierced with needles repeatedly. "No, No Jongin. It's okay, I tell you it's really okay." He hastily wiped his tears, "Jongin, please tell me something. P-Please tell me that---" Kyungsoo hesitates. "W-What happened?" He longed for an explanation or maybe a reassurance.

"Kyungsoo, I know you're not dumb."

"I-I know but I—ah," Kyungsoo doesn't know what to say anymore. "Jongin, can you tell me that I'm really just stupid?"

"Let's just stop fooling ourselves shall we?

"J-Jongin, W-We're okay right?" Kyungsoo was shaking, scared of the next few words. 

"Then it's not okay for me." Jongin replied coldly. "Don't call me again, my girlfriend's getting jealous."

The line went dead.

Kyungsoo's knees weakened, he knows that he did his best to keep Jongin. He knows he's wrong but...maybe he isn't worth it. He thought his actions would save their relationship, would still keep it, but maybe Jongin's right, it's not okay.

Was it entirely his fault? Was it because they both didn't fight?

Where's his explanation? Why? Just ing why? Is no answer, an answer?

----