Jieun’s POV

A shiver ran through my body, making goose bumps appear along my arms as I walked through the darkened park as I made my way towards the Sunshine Cafe. I had gone home to find out that night that I had been locked out of the house.

I wasn’t exactly surprised. My dad did this whenever he brought someone home with him. He didn’t want them meeting me, which was fair enough considering what a up I am. I had grown used to it by now anyway. I even had spare clothes in my work locker at the Sunshine Cafe and as long as I was careful enough no one ever caught me sleeping in the back room as I had a spare key in case of emergencies.

This system actually worked better for me anyway, because it meant that I could avoid seeing him, without making him mad. The only problem was the walk there, so late at night.

I stuck to the paths that ran along the outskirts of the local park, trying to stay within the lights of the streetlamps. It was pathetic how much the thought of walking in the dark scared me.

My shoulders were stiff as I kept a brisk pace, only to be halted when I heard the soft cries of a child. I was all too familiar with that sound. Whoever the child was they were scared and from the softness of the sobs I would bet they were alone too.

Memories of all the nights I had spent alone at crying in the dark came back at me in full force. Forcing them away I started to look around for the source of the noise. I may be a but I would never leave a child crying alone in the dark. I couldn’t. Not when I knew exactly how it felt.

I followed the sounds of soft sobs to the side of a small building, where I found a small figure curled up against the wall, hugging their knees to the chest as they cried.

“Hello?” I said softly, not sure what else I could say to get the boy’s attention.

His head instantly snapped up at the sound of my voice. His eyes latched onto me and then he let out louder sobs but this time more of relief than anything else.

My eyes widened when I realised I recognised this kid. I had only met him briefly at Jonghyun’s house, when he was trying to hide away from taking a bath but he was easy to recognise once I saw his face. Moving closer to him I crouched to the ground in front of him.

“Hey kid, calm down.” My voice came out a little desperate even to my own ears.

“Where’s your brother, Jonghyun?” I asked as he continued to cry.

Sniffing he looked at me again. “You know my Hyung?” He asked tearfully but his crying was slowing down at least.

“Yeah. I’m Jieun, Jonghyun’s-“I paused unsure how to finish.

Friend was the only word I could think of, even though I’m pretty sure we weren’t friends at all.

“We go to school together.” I amended, pushing some hair out of my eyes.

His eyes wandered slowly over my face, as he slowly started to recognise me.

“You were at my house.” He said eventually.

I nodded my head, feeling relieved. “Yeah, that was me.” I confirmed.

What I didn’t expect was for him to launch himself at me. I almost stumbled over as he wrapped his tiny arms around my stiff posture. My heart hammered loudly in my ears, and I swallowed loudly.

He’s just a kid. He can’t hurt me.

I forced my mind to repeat the same sentence again and again until I could feel myself relaxing slightly.

I was being hugged by Jonghyun’s brother. It was a bizarre situation to find myself in. He was still softly crying against my chest, holding me as tightly as his small arms could.

“Hey, calm down kid.” I gently brushed my hand through his hair trying to comfort him in any small way.

“It’s okay now.” I said as he buried his face into my shoulder sniffing loudly.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked him eventually

“I-I-I’m lost.” He admitted.  “I got scared after school by some kids, and I just ran. I was supposed to be w-waiting for my m-m-mum. B-b-but I didn’t, and now I’m lost and I don’t know wh-where I am!” He wailed.

My heart went out to the kid. He was terrified, and shaking like a leaf in my arms.

“I tried making my own way home but I couldn’t f-find it.”

That didn’t surprise me. We were about an hour’s walk away from his house where we were. The poor kid must have been so confused.

“I-I’m scared.” He stuttered out at the end.

“Hey calm down.” I tried to soothe him again.

“I’ll get you home.” I promised him gently, still running my fingers through his hair subconsciously. “Everything’s going to be just fine. It’s okay to be scared, I’ll keep you safe.” I said all the things I wanted to hear when I was scared.

It was the only thing I could think that might calm him down. It worked, he clung tightly onto me, his sobs subsiding into small hiccups.

I then realised what he had said. After school. That must have ended hours ago. I thought back to his family, picturing his mother’s soft loving smile. They were probably going out of their minds looking for him.

“What’s your name kid?” I asked him, as he pulled back a little, realising that it had never actually come up.

“Joon Young.” He said this time not stuttering over his words. I offered him a brief smile.

“Come on let’s get you home.” I said giving him my hand to hold onto.

My lips twitched up when he grabbed onto me securely with two hands. If I had the money I would have taken the bus with Joon Young to his house but as it turns out they didn’t run this late anyway so we ended up walking.

Or at very least I ended up walking, whilst Joon Young clung on tightly around my neck. At first I had been more than a little uncomfortable with the amount of contact I had with the small child, but eventually it subsided because of just that.

He was a small child. He wasn’t going to hurt me.

Still it felt unusual to have him clinging on to me like he was. But by the time we reached his house, I could barely make myself feel anything but exhaustion. I rang the doorbell, hunching my body forwards because at some point Joon Young’s grip had loosened as he fell asleep and I was afraid of dropping him.

My finger had barely left the buzzer when the door flung open to reveal a very worn out looking Jonghyun, his eyes widening as he took in the scene before him. Several emotions flittered through them, before eventually landing on relief.

“Joonie!” He shouted loudly looking at the small boy on my back.

That woke him up. The boy stirred, his short hair tickling me as he raised his head. He seemed to realise he was home, and instantly started wriggling to get down off of my back. I huffed loudly when his legs hit one of my more recent bruises from a few nights ago.

Hissing lowly I bent down so he could climb off of me. He ran straight away to his brother clinging tightly to his legs. Other people were now crowding into the small hallway of Jonghyun’s house. A couple of them being police officers.

I felt my throat dry as I realised just how outnumbered I was at this point.

“My baby!” Jonghyun’s mum let out a loud screech as she bent down with open and welcoming arms as Joon Young pulled himself away from his brother to run into his mother’s waiting arms.

His mother immediately started to kiss every inch of his head, holding her son very tightly to herself.

“You had me so worried.” She mumbled her voice muffled in his brunette spikes.

I felt my stomach pool with insane jealousy for a split second as she coddled her child. It must be nice to have a parent treat you like that. Joon Young didn’t seem to mind as he clung just as tightly to his mother.

“Jieun, what-?” Jonghyun voice broke me from my thoughts.

I looked over at him, my expression inviting him to finish his question.

“This is your son ma’am?” One of the police officers asked Jonghyun’s mum, who in return gave a nod.

The officer then turned to look at me. “If you don’t mind we would like to ask you a few questions.” He said.

I felt my muscles stiffen in fear. Alone?

“What do you want to ask? “I asked, trying to put some more space between us as unnoticeably as I could.

Realising that I wasn’t going to go anywhere private with the pair of them, the officer cleared his throat.

“How exactly did you come to be with Kim Joon Young?” He asked formally.

I frowned a little, but Joon Young spoke up before I did.

“She found me!” He said loudly, with excitement in his voice.

He turned to look at me, something close to worship in his eyes. My stomach squirmed at the sight of it. It made me feel for a second that I wasn’t as worthless, and so much of a waste of air, as I had constantly been told I was. My heart swelled in my chest and I couldn’t stop the affection I already felt towards the child growing.

“She brought me home.” He continued pulling away from his mother now.

His mother attention was now focussed on me, her glassy eyes filled with just how grateful she was.

“You saved my baby.” She said, her voice choking on an emotion I didn’t recognise.

I scratched the back of my neck uncomfortably as they all looked at me.

“I just brought him home.” I shrugged. “No saving needed.” I needed to put a stop to this.

Everyone was looking at me. I was in the spotlight, and it was starting to make it difficult to breathe. Their attention was suffocating me.

Suddenly two arms flung themselves at me, and I barely bit back a petrified scream as they pulled me closer. Black dots started to appear in my vision, and I could feel my whole body starting to shake with the strained effort of standing still instead of cowering away.

I could barely hear the sound of Jonghyun’s mum voice filling my ear with her gratitude, over the pounding of my blood. The whole room seemed to be tilting as my vision began to blacken around the edges. I had to get away, but the arms around me were holding on tightly. Caging me in.

“Mum. I think you should let go, you’re probably suffocating her.”

That was Jonghyun’s voice.

I’ve never felt more grateful to one person in my life as I felt the arms pinning me fall away. I in deep breaths, stepping out of range of the woman in front of me, to stop her being able to do that again. Everything was still fuzzy.

“Jieun.” My head snapped around to see Jonghyun standing closer than I thought he had been.

My fear spiked as I jerked away instinctively, managing to stumble over my own feet in my rush to get some distance between us. The door handle hit into my lower back making me realise two things. One, we were still crowded into a very small space. And two, they all technically had me cornered.

Neither of these facts helped in my efforts to calm my heart. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I looked around. One of the officers was even watching me suspiciously. My throat felt like it was closing off. I felt my knew tremble, needing for there to be some more space. People needed to leave, or at least I did.

“We should move into the living room.” Jonghyun suggested watching me with wary eyes.

Once again I felt a rush of gratitude towards him. His mother agreed with her son and went to take Joon Young to bed as we all filed into the living room. I trailed at the end; with Jonghyun throwing me some odd looks over his shoulder.

I relayed the entire story of the night to the two officers. By the end of it my voice was even coming out normally once again, instead of the strange high pitched squeak that it had been before.

“You walked all the way?” It was Jonghyun who asked this.

I looked over to him. He was sat on the same sofa as me but on the opposite side looking at me with a strange expression strained across his face. I nodded my head, not wanting to repeat myself. I was dog tiered at this point, not to mention the fact that it was now pitch black outside. I wasn’t looking forward to walking all the way back down to the Sunshine Cafe.

“Is that all you needed to ask?” I turned to the two police officers.

The tallest of the pair nodded his head and they both stood but the shorter one turned to me giving me strange look. Almost like he thought I was trying to hide something from them.

“Actually there is something that I would like to ask you in private on a different matter Miss Lee.” He said after a moment of what looked like internal debate on his half.

My heart immediately starting racing in my chest, and I swallowed loudly. Don’t be such a child about it.

my lips I nodded my head, refusing to acknowledge how clammy my palms had turned. “S-sure.” I stuttered.

A police officer couldn’t hurt me right? That would be violating some code of conduct or something. Plus it wasn’t like I had done anything wrong. So what need would there be to hurt me?

He led me into the kitchen where there was no one else, and I felt as if the world was sinking around me. Pressing my lips into a thin line I waited for him to start talking but I wasn’t focused on his mouth, I was focused on his muscles and how easy it would probably be for him to attack me right now.

“What did you want?” I asked, willing my voice to come out firm and collected.

He just stood there watching me for a minute, his eyes assessing me, searching for something. It was making me nervous.

“I’ve had a few cases in my time as working as a police officer where people, mostly girls.” He gave me a knowing look that I hated.

“They act rather strange around other people, mostly boys.” He said slowly.

I could feel myself paling. Clenching my jaw and fists I focussed my eyes onto a pot of sugar behind his head.

“Fascinating.” I managed to drag out with as much sarcasm as I could.

He just continued to watch me. “They’re particularly uncomfortable about physical contact. And I couldn’t help but notice your reaction to Mrs Kim’s hug.”

Something dropped in my stomach.

“And? I’m not a hugger.” I told him with a shrug.

“Do you know what all those people I encountered had in common?” He asked eventually, ignoring my comment. It was a wise decision to make.

“I have an idea. Enlighten me.” I said folding my arms across my chest to try and stop my hands from trembling.

“They were all abused.” He finally said it.

It sounded strange hearing someone say it like that. Abuse. It sounded too serious. What I went through wasn’t that bad. I didn’t get beaten every day of my life. I was allowed outside of the house. I wasn’t forced away from contact with the outside world.

Abuse seemed too strong of a word.

It was more like I was being punished. All parents punish their children. If I did something out of line, then I would get punished. It was then I realised that I had been quiet for too long. But the man before me spoke before I could rectify the damage my silence would cause.

“How old are you?” He asked.

“Eighteen.” I answered, pushing my hair behind my ear. “I’m not abused.” I tagged onto the end.

People who got beaten within an inch of their lives, locked away and . That was abuse. What I went through hardly qualified when you took that into consideration.

I had it easy.

The officer watched me cautiously but I don’t know what he expected to find but his gaze was making me uncomfortable. It was weighing down on me, making the room seem smaller. in the fat of my cheeks, biting down on them.

Finally he let out a long sigh. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me.” He said, making my nerves calm a little. “But if you need to talk to me, to anyone, here’s my number.”

He scribbled down the digits on his notebook before ripping it out and handing it to me. Part of me wanted to say ‘go screw yourself’ or ‘I don’t need anyone’s help’. But instead I found myself taking hold of the paper and sliding it into my pocket, without looking at his number. He seemed satisfied with that.

“I’m not going to call you.” I warned him, but he only gave me a brief smile in reply.

“If I’m wrong and you don’t need my help, then great.” He said shrugging. “But if you do need help it’s okay.”

It’s okay? I shook my head at him. It wasn’t okay. I didn’t deserve help. I didn’t need it. Using someone as a shield would be so childish.

He left the room silently, leaving my thoughts running wild. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just get rid of the number?

I rubbed my temples letting my eyelids fall shut for just a second. I needed sleep. I needed it badly. My eyes wandered to the clock on the wall reading 2:34 a.m. and to the window next to the clock that was so dark all I could see was my own reflection staring back at me.

I barely even recognised myself right then. Instead of seeing my usual calm and indifferent expression I could see the tiredness taken over my features. And I could see my fear. I looked shaken up and pale, even in the dim reflection of myself.

Was this what everyone else was seeing?

I look so weak.

“Thank you.” I jumped at the sound of Jonghyun’s voice.

He was stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching me through wary eyes. My heart instantly jumped into my throat.

“What for?” I asked my voice coming out scratchy at this point.

“Joonie.” He sighed running a hand through his hair.

“You didn’t have to- I’ve not been the nicest person and I appreciate it.” He said his shoulders stooping low as he stared at the ground, before his eyes looked back up at me.

I stood there speechless.

“You don’t need to thank me.” I told him with a half shrug.

“You could have ignored him, turned the other way. Pretended not to know anything.” He said.

His eyes were watching me filled with gratitude and warmth. I didn’t want him looking at me like that. I couldn’t handle it.

I forced a small smile in his direction. “Leave a crying kid in the middle of the night?” I asked. “I’m starting to think you think I’m some kind of or something.” I joked, needing that look to go away.

It worked. He let out a loud laugh, the seriousness of the moment before melting away. But his laugh did strange things to me. It made me want to smile hearing him so happy. It made me want to laugh with him. It was inviting and -- I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. How many ways were there to describe a laugh? How many ways were there to describe a feeling I didn’t even fully understand?

“Do you need a ride?” Jonghyun asked me breaking me out of my thoughts.

“A ride?” I echoed.

He nodded his head. “Yeah home.” He said.

Home? I grimaced a little knowing that it wouldn’t be home I was going to anyway.

“No thank you.” I declined. “Car sickness. I’d rather walk.”

He seemed to think it over for a moment.

“Fine I’ll walk you.” He said already reaching for his jacket that was hanging on the chair next to us.

“It’s late and you shouldn’t be out there by yourself.” He explained when he saw my dumbfounded expression.

I felt my heart warm towards him. But I couldn’t make him walk so far this late at night. It wouldn’t be fair. No one should have to waste that kind of effort on someone like me. I shook my head at him, and opened my mouth to protest.

“You can’t.” I said, biting into my bottom lip.

He gave me an eye roll in response. “The hell I can’t.” He disagreed.

“You brought my brother home, I owe you big time. Now where do you live?”

I stared at him my jaw hanging open. Why was he being so nice right now? Then my stomach dropped. He couldn’t walk me home even if I wanted him to, which I didn’t, I wasn’t going home. I felt myself frown at the reminder.

“I-“I brushed a hand through my hair. “You can’t.” I repeated once more.

“I’m not taking no for an answer here Jieun.” He said sternly.

“You can’t because I’m not going home Jonghyun. I admitted shamefully, forcing my eyes onto the ground.

“I- I accidentally locked myself out.” I gave him a half-truth.

He frowned pausing in his action of picking up his shoes. “Then where were you going to go?” He asked wrinkling his nose.

I felt myself redden further. “The Sunshine Café. “I finally admitted.

“I have some spare clothes in my locker there and an emergency key, I was going to crash there for the night.” I said in complete honesty.

Jonghyun continued to watch me as if he was waiting for me to shout out a huge ‘surprise’ and admit that this whole thing was a huge joke. I hung my head.

“What about your parents?” He asked. “Couldn’t they let you in?” He asked.

Okay now it was time to lie through my teeth.

“My dad’s out on a business conference.” I used the same excuse I always did when people asked about my parents.

“And your mum?” He persisted.

I felt my heart and stomach both twist painfully. I clenched my teeth together, and I could feel my hands automatically curling into fists.

“I don’t live with her anymore.” I said quietly.

My mother was a subject I barely ever approached. Thankfully he let it go immediately, sensing I didn’t want to talk about it.

“You can stay here for the night.” He said breaking the awkward silence left behind after my confession.

My head snapped up so fast that I’m surprised I didn’t get whiplash.

“What?!” I screeched out in surprise.

He couldn’t be serious. It was too much. He’s being too nice.

“You can stay here for the night.” He repeated firmly his eyes meeting mine.

Why is he doing this? I didn’t deserve him being so kind to me. I openly stared at him. He had to be pulling some kind of a joke here right?

“I can’t stay here.” I squeaked out. “Your mum wo-“

“Would be happy to let you stay after what you did tonight.” He said in a hardened tone. His features softened after a minute.

“We seriously owe you Jieun.” He added onto the end.

“You don’t owe me anything.” I told him shaking my head.

“Just please stay the night.” He begged unexpectedly.

His face pulled into a pleading expression that made my heart flip in my chest. I opened my mouth fully prepared to say something completely y to push him away. To make him kick me out of his house and tell me to take a hike. But I couldn’t make myself do it. I was tired, and he was offering me a place to stay. I sighed dropping my shoulders and nodded my head.

“Good.” He chirped.

I now understood why he was so popular. If he was this kind to everyone I bet he had hundreds of people wanting to spend time with him. He gave off a warmness that was impossible not to notice.

I want to be near that warmness.

Even though I know I don’t deserve to be, I just want to be there. Just for tonight. I was being selfish but I didn’t care. One night.

“Thank you.” I said brushing my hair out of my eyes.

He smiled at me kindly. “Your welcome.”

Why do I feel so content right now? Usually I’d feel frightened at this thought of spending time in a house with strangers. But right now all I could feel was glad at the thought of not spending the night alone.

I’m tired of being so lonely.

I could feel the piece of paper in my pocket burning a hole through my jeans, demanding not to go unnoticed. I should have torn it up. But I couldn’t make myself.

I’m so tired of feeling scared. I’m so tired.