Jieun at the age of eight.

“I’m scared. Please come home.”

My finger hovered over the send button on my phone. I didn’t want to send it just to get no response. Not again.

I sighed, hitting the backspace button and deleting the message for what felt like the millionth time. I just couldn’t do it and I felt so pathetic about it. Tossing my phone to the floor, I curled myself into a ball, hugging my knees close to my chest. I felt completely alone. Pressing my forehead into my knees, I forced back the tears that wanted to escape.

Tomorrow. I promised myself. Tomorrow things would be so much better.

I was only scared because it was dark.

I closed my eyes, hoping for sleep to come but it wouldn’t. I could hear sounds of the wind blowing strongly against my window, mixed with the sounds of heavy raindrops that were both drowned out by the occasional roar of thunder.

“So stupid.” I mumbled under my breath.

This was such a stupid, cliché, fear and I hated it. I knew nothing bad was going to happen but that didn’t stop my heart from hammering in my chest whenever there was a clap of thunder or when the dim light pushing through the thin curtains, which had been left open just a crack, caused the shadows to move.

I wanted to get up and turn the lights on, but I was too scared that my dad would somehow find out, and give me a beating for it.

Another illogical fear. He was out drinking and he’d probably won’t be home for a few days. But the fear still paralysed me.

“You’re a big girl now, Jieun. Grow the hell up and act like it.” I quietly repeated the words my mother would always say when I told her I was scared of the dark.

She was right. I am eight years old now and I had to get over my fear at some point. But the logic didn’t seem to stop my heart from racing or my palms from sweating in fear.

I ended up staying awake all night, repeating the same words over and over to myself. At the same time. I hoped that someone would come home and find me so I won’t be alone in the dark anymore.

But no one ever did.

You’re a big girl now, Jieun. Grow the hell up, and act like it.