Jieun’s POV

I stood in front of my school. My hands were shaking nervously but I hid it by stuffing them in my jacket pockets. This morning I had paced endlessly back and forth in my bedroom hoping that all of my stress would go away. I just needed to move around.

I feel less trapped that way. It will stop me from feeling like the little girl I used to be. The girl who was too afraid to move an inch in her bed at night. But sadly the feeling never go away.

I stared up at the tall building in front of me. The front door had been left a jar open. I could see a slither of the bright orange coloured walls inside. It was almost like it was daring me to enter. Fear filtered through me just at the thought of going inside. School felt like a trap box. I couldn’t leave when I wanted to. I was stuck in the overcrowded classrooms with so many other people.

Too many other people.

I hated feeling trapped but school was an escape from home at least. It wasn’t as bad as being stuck in a closet, begging for him to open the door because he had locked me inside. Being at school mean being safe because he couldn’t find me there. He couldn’t hurt me there.

But the stares made me uncomfortable.

My mind flashed to the image of Jonghyun’s disgusted face when he had seen me in the alley. Those were the looks I got every day. The looks people gave me that said to stay away from them. But that was a good thing. It meant that they didn’t know how weak and useless I was.

But sometimes the judgement in their eyes makes me want to run.

I wanted to run away from school, because of the looks people gave me. Could I be any weaker? I bit back a sigh, realising that I had been standing there staring at the front door for about five minutes.

I was tempted to just ditch. My dad would probably never even know. Even if school called home, he couldn’t even be found half of the time. It was like for two thirds of the week he would just drop off of the face of the planet.

But if I ditched where would I even go?

I had no one to see. No place to be. I didn’t belong anywhere. Except for Sunshine Cafe. That was pathetic on its own. That was just my job. It was pathetic that the only place I could be comfortable, was a place where I was hired to be. I had nowhere else.

I had no one.

Even my family had more sense than to want to be around me. I thought of Min, Yumi, Mina, and Jong Suk.  They are my work colleagues. That was the only reason they were even around me in the first place. Everyone else was smart enough to keep their distance.

Brushing my hair out of my eyes I let out a long breath. I had already made my decision. I shifted my bag’s weight on my shoulder. It was lighter than it should be. I wasn’t a model student. I didn’t carry around everything I was supposed to.

I scoffed at the idea. I had realised long ago that I wasn’t smart enough. So why bother to carry all the books around? They didn’t make a difference. Plus less weight meant it was easier to be quieter.

When I leave my house I know instinctively all the creaky steps and floorboards that I needed to miss. My departure was always silent, just the way it should be.

Walking up to the school doors it was hotter than it had been a second ago. My clothes felt too tight. My heart was beating too fast. I was nervous. I knew exactly what was making me nervous, Kim Jonghyun was going to be there in school.

After our meet-and-greet in the alleyway the other night I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And I wanted badly to. But the way he had looked at me was etched into the back of my head. It was no different from how everyone else looked at me though so the only reason I could think of as to why I couldn’t forget about it was because it had been my birthday when we had met.

And what a great birthday present that had been.

I could see the disgust in his eyes. Hear the distaste in his voice. My heart hammered in my chest. All my instincts were telling me to run in the other direction instead of going to school. To run and never to get caught. I wanted so badly to run. To feel free.

But that would be weak. It would be so cowardly.

Sighing quietly to myself I dragged myself slowly through the deserted corridors, keeping my expression and body completely relaxed. To anyone else I would look like a girl who arrived late but didn’t care. Inside my heart felt like it was about to explode.

By the time I had forced myself all the way to my classroom I had officially killed another ten minutes, just by dragging my feet. I don’t know why I was trying to prolong it now. I was just stood in front of the door to my English Literature class. Flexing my fingers I forced the door open with confidence, making my stride close to a skip as I entered the classroom.

“Hi Teach.” I said with a big grin on my face.

I didn’t bother apologising for being late. I knew he hated me anyway. And that was the way it was meant to be. I didn’t say anything else as I perched myself on my usual seat, ignoring the stares I was getting.

“Miss Lee.” He said edgily.

“Any reason you’re coming in to my lesson half an hour late?” He asked through gritted teeth.

I was scared. I was so spineless that I almost skipped so people wouldn’t look at me.

“Nope.” I lied with a cool expression, waiting for his response.

His glare deepened and his jaw twitched. A few students muffled their laughter like I was a comedy genius but others were just rolling their eyes at me. I just kept a smirk plastered to my face. Cool and uncaring.

“Do you find this amusing?” He asked, his left eye twitching slightly.

My smirk widened at his words and I ran a hand through my hair. Had anyone else noticed that it shook? Probably not. I at least hope they didn’t.

“I would like to think it’s a little funny, yeah. I always try to look on the bright side of life. ” I grinned.

His nostrils flared and he banged his fist loudly on the table. My heart jumped a mile in my chest at the small action and I had to clench my fingers into a fist, letting the nails bite into my skin. I refused to let it show how scared that had made me. How much I wanted to duck in fear. Keeping my eyes focused ahead I gave my teacher a blank look.

“You should watch your temper, sir.” I forced a smile back onto my face once more. “Now if you don’t mind, I would like to learn.” I put my notebook on the table, exaggeratedly flipping through all the pages to getting to the one I was last writing on.

When I came across the page I positioned my pen delicately over the page. I looked up at the teacher with wide eyes, nodding at him to continue, making sure to keep the mock expression of innocence on my face.

I wanted to make my posture relaxed, but my body refused to move out of high alert mode. There were so many people behind me. I could feel their eyes on me, but I couldn’t see them. They could do anything. I felt so defenceless. So open.

I felt stupid for it though, because who was going to attack me? I had made myself into someone you wouldn’t want to mess with. I shouldn’t be so afraid but I couldn’t make myself relax.

“Get out.” My teacher hissed at me, pointing to the door, as he seethed with anger.

I held back the small sigh of relief. I made sure to shrug my shoulders casually instead. That made things easier. It was easier to be sent away. Everyone was looking at me and I don’t like it. I felt like a zoo animal. They all wanted to see my reaction. I couldn’t stand it.

“Sure thing.” I said praying my voice to come out aloof, whilst I piled my stuff together and put it in my bag.

“Go to the principal’s office.” He ordered me.

I just smiled at him.

“Sure.” I repeated, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

I froze for a second when I saw a familiar face in the corner of the classroom. His was looking at me, just the way I remembered him to be on my birthday. He was watching me with a deep scowl on his face. He looked like he hated me.

I kept the smile plastered on my face as I exited the room, hoping that no one noticed the small hesitation on my part. My eyes still managed to connect with Jonghyun’s because I couldn’t seem to make myself look away from his heated glare.

His eyes were blazing in anger, like I had personally offended him. Probably because a couple of days ago I had personally offended him.

Winking in his direction, I wiggled my fingers in a small wave. He narrowed his eyes at me his anger growing, knowing that essentially I was flipping him off again.

Good.

Memories of Saturday filtered through my mind. I wanted him to know I was a . Just like everyone else did. He had seen me at almost breaking point and I couldn’t stand that. I never wanted anyone to see me so unguarded without all my defences up. If people saw me like that then I couldn’t stop them from hurting me.

Keeping my head held high. I forced the pang in my chest to go away. I hated this guilt but not as much as I hated the fear. My teacher was fuming, watching to make sure I left. I knew I had made his day worse with my decision to go to school. My eyes flitted across the classroom. I probably made everyone’s day worse.

The door was slammed behind me as soon as I was out of the doorway. I winced. I had effectively pissed him off and I didn’t feel proud. I didn’t feel good about myself. But I felt safer. I felt so far away that no one could possibly reach me to hurt me.

Striding down the empty corridor I walked the familiar route to the principal’s office.

Mrs. Park was at the desk typing away at the computer. One look up at me, and she immediately frowned. Her eyes clearly said ‘you again’. She wasn’t trying to hide how obviously unimpressed to see me.

“Go straight.” She pointed to the wooden door that had a sleek silver plaque reading ‘Mr Shin.’

I opened the door without knocking. The eyes of the short, balding man behind the desk instantly sought me out for my intrusion. He had the same expression on as the receptionist. He brought his thumb and forefinger to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Miss Lee, why am I not surprised?” He asked, as he closed his laptop, obviously I had interrupted something.

“Sorry sir, am I disturbing your allocated watching time?” I asked, relaxing myself into his chair.

I was glad right now that no one could see my heartbeat. It was going irregularly fast ever since the door had shut behind me. He just gave me a flat look. I shrugged my shoulders, not exactly sure what he was expecting of me.

“What were you sent here for this time Jieun?” He asked leaning his elbows on his desk and positioning himself closer to me. I hated him moving so close. I didn’t like being in a closed off space with a man.

This was stupid he was over five feet away. Why was I so scared?

I swallowed, discreetly positioning myself further away from him.

“Apparently wanting to do my work is a bad thing, I asked him to continue with the lesson and he asked me to leave the room.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I feel like I’m getting the edited version of this story.” His tone suggesting defeat as he sat back in his chair.

I sighed quietly to myself. “If you want to hear the whole story ask the teacher who sent me here.” I suggested.

Pulling my hair away from the nape of my neck. It was too hot in here. I wanted to leave.

“And I guess that if I were to call home again. Would I be able to reach your parents this time?” He continued.

“I doubt it “I shrugged again.

I didn’t want to look at him. Instead I casually started picking at my nails, examining them for faults.

“You can try if you want.” I told him with an easy, dismissive tone.

I kept my face completely calm.  He slowly drummed his fingers on the edge of his desk, trying to think of what he could say to me next.

“Is that why you’re like this Jieun? Do you not have enough attention?” He said eventually, completely dropping formalities and polite tones.

I felt my posture stiffen slightly, but I kept a smirk on my face.

“I don’t want attention. If I admit to daddy issues, do I get out of detention?” I asked, my voice turning into a sneer.

He kept staring at me, clearly not finding me amusing. But what was he expecting me to say? I forced out a laugh, but my gut felt cold.

“I’m not doing this for my parent’s attention.” I rolled my eyes at him, whilst brushing my hair out of my eyes.

I wish that were the case. That would make me more normal right? That would make me like everyone else. Because that’s what normal people do when their parents were never home. They would act out to gain attention.

But I didn’t want that.

I got scared at the thought of going home to find my father there. I was a freak. Hearing the truth behind my words, he started to rub his temples slowly. His shoulders were slumped and is whole demeanour had changed. I had seen that face before. He was giving up on any hope of getting through to me. Relief rushed through my veins. Yet another thing that made me a freak.

Shouldn’t I be sad when people gave up on me? Shouldn’t I hate the thought of being alone?

I batted the thought away as soon as it entered my mind. Lonely is better than vulnerable. People who get close are the people who can hurt you most.

“Look I’m bored.” I said dropping my hands into my lap. ”Are you going to tell me my punishment or what?” I dug my nails into my palms. I just wanted to leave.

He gave me a narrowed eyed look. I could see the familiar expression of dislike. But he looked undecided too. He was warring with himself inside. He wanted to help me, but I was making it difficult for him.

I don’t want his help.

I felt myself smirk a little. “What did you think was going to happen today Sir?” I asked him laughing.

“Did you think I was going to come in here, have a heart to heart with you and then bam I’m changed for the better?” I smirked at him.

His top lip rolled upwards as he pushed further away from me. His reaction was understandable. Of course he wanted to put more distance between us. Some people just needed a push in the right direction. I could see that he don’t want anything to do with me right now.

“Two weeks’ worth of lunch time work in the library and one week of detention starting tomorrow.” He rattled off my punishment, writing them both down on a piece of paper.

I smiled at him, snatching the piece of paper from his grip.

“See you soon.” I smiled cheerily.

“I don’t doubt it.” He muttered, opening up his laptop.

“Enjoy your .” I said making sure the door was wide open with my last comment.

Before he could answer back I slipped away. An elderly lady, who was sat on one of the plastic chairs lined up in the waiting room gave me a horrified look, at my words. I just gave her a knowing grin, saying nothing else.

Walking up to Mrs. Park, I handed her the slip of paper. Her eyes scanned over it, but she didn’t look at all surprised. Walking out into the main corridor I saw everyone else was already there.

Lesson must have ended, I realised. My stomach squirmed uncomfortably at how crowded the halls were now. Keeping my hands in my pockets, I avoided contact with everyone easily. But that mostly had to do with everyone wanting to keep their distance from the school .

That was exactly why I wanted to be the school . No one wanted to be near me. Just the thought of people touching me, had my heart leaping into my throat.

Walking up to my locker I ignored the repeated vandalism of colourful words. People were too scared to face me, so this was their alternative. That and whispering and ranting to their friends about me behind my back.

Oh and others left me notes. Like today for example. I sighed but I didn’t read it, still a few words stood out to me like: , Bully and Freak.

I didn’t mind the note though. This was far better than a face-to-face confrontation. People stood too close together. I don’t know how they could stand it. The thought of being near someone, having them reach out to me. It was terrifying.

I took down the small piece of paper, but I didn’t throw it away. Instead I slipped it into the back of my notebook. I could add it to the growing collection. I was pretty sure this was number 73.

I don’t know who started the tradition. They never left their name on the paper, just their thoughts on what a terrible disgrace of a human being I was. But once it had been done once, that was enough to get people started.

Then again some people gave me advice. More than one person told me to just shut up and leave everyone alone because I was good for nothing. Once person had moaned about the way I dress. I smiled at the thought. The last thing I needed was fashion advice. A couple of people suggested to me to go die

I figure I must have really offended them. It made me feel guilty to know I did something terrible enough for people to want me to die. But I couldn’t be mad at them, because they were right.

This place would be a lot better if it didn’t have someone like me screwing it up.

By the end of the day I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. I love sleep because I couldn’t get hurt. It was a place that I couldn’t feel pain.

Sleep was good. Sleep was numbing. The real world wasn’t there when I was asleep.

I didn’t have to work today and my detentions don’t start until tomorrow. I don’t know if I was happy or sad about either of those things. No work and no detention meant no distractions. And the thought of home...

How could I want to go home so badly, yet be so scared at the idea, to the point where thinking about it was likely to cause me a panic attack, at the same time?

The weather was almost begging me to be outside. The sunshine shining on my back was very misleading though. It felt too comforting. It promised escape and its warmth almost felt like safety, but didn’t deliver either.

“Oi Jieun!” A voice called out over the crowds, trying to gain my attention.

I felt my spine stiffen. Be someone else. Be someone else. I pleaded silently in my mind.

Continuing my path towards the exit, I hoped to avoid whoever was calling after me by pretending I couldn’t hear them. It was a stupid plan. I should have known better.

A large solid hand landed on my shoulder. I bit back the loud piercing scream that wanted to escape and jumped quickly away from whoever was touching me. His hand fell away and I took in a deep breath.

Oh god. I felt dizzy and sick. Why was the car park spinning? My head snapped up, my jaw clenched tight.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing sneaking up me like that?” I half screech like a banshee.

I wished my voice to come out quieter and harsher than it did but I had little control, so it ended up screechy and half panicked. My vision was hazy. I clenched my hands, focussing on the figure in front of me, waiting for everything to stop spinning.

“I called after you. You ignored me.” The irritated reply came.

The calm voice in the situation helped me to realise nothing bad was happening. I just needed to stop freaking out.

I flicked my hair out of my eyes, trying to remain as casual as possible. My vision was slowly turning back to normal but my heart rate was still a mile a minute and my head was pounding at me like I hadn’t drank anything for several days.

I could at least see who I was talking to now though. Kim Jonghyun stood above me, glaring at me with all his might. He was standing too close to me. This was why I preferred the notes on the locker door. Did he think that after the run in on my birthday he would give me a piece of his mind on my obviously flawed attitude that he clearly had a problem with?

Taking a step away, my mind fumbled for a snarky answer to respond to him with.

“Take the hint. I don’t want to talk to you.” I hissed.

The panic was slowly starting to fade away, enough so that I could glare at Jonghyun. His jaw ticked and he crossed his arms angrily.

“Tough.” He said through gritted teeth. “What do you think? That you’re too good to talk to me?” He asked.

That was a joke right? It wasn’t funny. Everyone in this school knew I was the lowest of the low and Jonghyun was popular as hell.

That was the circle of high school. Nobody likes the . Everyone loved the handsome sport player. It was the plot to every movie ever known.

I was the bad guy. Jonghyun was the hero. So why was he talking to me?

“Look Jonghyun this is a beautiful heart-to-heart moment I’m sure and I know you’ll be able to make a stunning paragraph in your diary about this encounter before you go to sleep, but I have to go.” I said finally, throwing a smug smirk on my face.

“Just shut up for a moment.” He sneered at me, obviously not happy with my reply.

He looked really angry. I forced myself to push away the fear and not take another step back. I sighed, giving him a nod to continue. He looked shocked for a second that I had complied. Whatever it takes to get away. It was a good survival technique.

“What was with the stunt you pulled in the classroom earlier?” He asked, taking me by surprise.

And then I felt anger crawling down my spine. He sent me in a panic attack to ask that?

I frowned at him in annoyance. “Seriously Jonghyun? You’re going to lecture me? Because if you are save your breath I heard it all from Principle Shin.” I let my eyes flicker over to his. “But it’s cute that you’re concerned about me.” I added on the end with a small wink.

His face hardened, and I could see his fist clenching. I forced myself once again to hold my ground. I swallowed my fear.

He wasn’t going to hit me.

Still I could feel my body tensing in advance. Preparing for when his fist when flying at me. I just wanted to go home. Was that too much to ask?

“I’m not concerned about you.” He spat out.

“Don’t sugar coat it or anything” I mumbled, pushing my hair out of my eyes.

He wasn’t amused. He took a small step forward and my heart pounded. I clenched my jaw, forcing myself to stay rooted to the spot.

“I’m concerned about you screwing up everything I’ve worked so hard for.” He hissed.

My eyebrows scrunched in confusion. I had no idea what he was even talking about. How would I screw up anything for him? Was just being in the same classes as me that bad?

“Look I’m not going to break your knee caps or anything. You can play football just fine.” I said because I couldn’t think of a logical reason for him confronting me about this.

He glared, grabbing hold of my arm in a tight hold. I should have stepped away when I had the chance. I shouldn’t have let him get so close. My heart was racing, and I couldn’t think straight. I knew I was close to a full on panic attack.

“Look.” He continued. I barley heard him over the pounding in my ears.

“I’m worried about my chances at a scholarship.” He growled out.

“I have perfect grades but for English Literature Mr Oh decided to partner everyone up after you left. And guess what unlucky son of a got stuck with you.”

He was too close. Far too close. I couldn’t breathe.

I still felt a pang of sympathy for him. He didn’t deserve to be stuck with me like this. I really was going to screw everything up for him. I kept tugging on arm until he finally let go. Taking a shaky breath I glared at him. I must have looked awful because his glare leaving making way for a concerned expression.

I needed to get out of here.

“Don’t touch me.” I snapped at him, backing away.

He opened his mouth but I wasn’t going to let him say anything else.

“I’m not going to up your chances at a scholarship. Now leave me the hell alone.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond.

I just my heels to leave. Escaping as fast as I could. I walked down the most abandoned roads I could find. Everywhere seemed so packed. Everyone was too close to me. I needed to get away.

I staggered against a wall at one point, managing to scrape my palm when I tried to stop myself from falling. I was so pathetic. I couldn’t even walk down the street without messing it up.

The pain in my palm helped me though. It brought everything into focus again. Clinging my hand to my chest I made my way home. What I found made me want to go back. I found myself missing the crowded halls of school. School had been nothing compared to this. I felt my mouth dry up completely as I stood in front of my front door. It was already unlocked.

He’s home.

Slowly pushing the door open I tried to stay as quiet as possible. It didn’t help though. He was waiting for me. My heart pulled to a stop.

“I got an interesting call from your Principle.” He voice was acidic.

If I weren’t so scared I’d probably find it in me to be sarcastic or annoyed. He was supposed to love me. The scared part of me just wanted to start rambling off excuses. But I couldn’t. That would be so childish.

I was pathetic. No wonder he hated me.

I closed my eyes, letting my nails dig sharply into my palms. I couldn’t run away or make up excuses I in a deep breath.

It’s going to be a long painful night tonight.