Jieun’s POV

My heart thudded to a stop as Jonghyun kept staring at me, his eyes burning with emotion as they drilled into mine. The longer that I said nothing, the more his eyes burned.

“Jieun. Tell me. I need to know, Jieun.” He said, his eyes scanned over my face.

I closed my eyes, feeling every ounce of me recoiling in shame, as I shook my head. Some part of my mind was begging it all to be a bad dream.

He couldn’t know! He couldn’t!

“Jieun.” Jonghyun said again, his hand reaching out to touch my face.

As soon as our skin made contact my eyes snapped open. It wasn’t a dream. That feeling was far too real to be anything but reality. I bit my lip and swallowed back the whimper that wanted to escape me. It all felt so out of my control.

“Jieun, I need you to tell me who it was.” Jonghyun said, but he already knew.

“He – he’s my father Jonghyun.” I croaked, feeling distressed as I searched for the words to say that would make him understand.

“I – “ I in a deep breath.

Jonghyun’s expression turned to ice. His eyes hardened, his muscles stiffened and his jaw clenched as soon as the words left my lips. He hadn’t wanted to be right, I realised my heart sinking onto my stomach.

But even with his eyes blazing with rage, I wasn’t scared of him. Because Jonghyun would never hurt me. Jonghyun closed his eyes, taking in a deep lung full of air trying to calm himself. I saw his hands ball, my duvet clutched between his fingers.

“ Jieun.” He said my name in distress, his eyes opening to look at me again.

I chewed on my lip, my heart lurched every time he said my name that way.

“Jieun you have to report him. Go tell the police. Something. Anything.” His words were demanding but his tone was a plea.

I felt my heart break inside my chest.

“Jonghyun…” I paused, too ashamed to look up at him again.

I knew he wasn’t going to be happy with what I was going to say. Instead I stared at his hands as I spoke.

“I can’t.” I said, helplessly.

Jonghyun’s hands clenched tighter, his knuckles turning white.

“Then I’ll do it for you.” He said,

“No.” I cried out a little too loudly.

I winced, waiting for the sound of my father’s footsteps, for him to discover I was home, but he must have already passed out cold, even though it was only three in the afternoon.

“You can’t Jonghyun. Please. Don’t do anything.” I begged, my tone considerably low.

“I can’t just do nothing Jieun. Don’t ask that of me.” He said, his voice and hands both shaking as he spoke.

“Please Jonghyun.” I continued to plead.

Images of Jonghyun baring the same scars as me were plaquing my mind. I don’t need him to get involved. If he got hurt…

“Please.” I said again, on the verge of tears.

Jonghyun’s mouth opened but no sound came out.

“Please.” I repeated.

“Why are even asking me not to say anything? He beats you Jieun!” He snapped at me.

“He’s my father.” I repeated my first words as if I explained everything.

“Not much of one.” He said darkly.

“I know that. But he’s the only one I’ve got.” My insides twisted in shame when I said that.

He got to understand me by now.

“Jieun….” He said warily.

I felt tears that I wasn’t able to hold back falling down my face.

“I know I’m pathetic for it but I can’t leave him. I can’t.” I said.

My whole body was trembling with the effort of not breaking down into full-scale sobs.

“Jieun. You’re not pathetic. Don’t say that.” Jonghyun said, sounding horrified.

“But I am. Do you know want to know why I keep the letters that I find taped to my locker?” I asked.

“You’re not pathetic Jieun.” Jonghyun repeated sternly, ignoring the second half of my sentence.

My heart gave way a little under his protest and some of the wryness of my tone disappeared.

“When I was seven my mum got me a phone. For emergencies whilst she was out of town.” I explained.

Jonghyun frowned but didn’t interrupted me.

“Still have it to day in fact.” I said my lips twisting up into a sullen smile.

Something flashed across Jonghyun’s eyes. He didn’t say anything but I knew he was thinking of my ‘dinosaur’ of a phone.

“She left when I was eight. Up and left, not a backwards glance in my direction.” I said grimly.

I omitted the part where I had mistakenly thought I was going to go with her.

“Jieun…” Jonghyun started reaching out to me but I shook my head.

“After she left, I used to leave her text messages. Just small ones, begging her to come back. To take me with her. Ones saying, I loved her and that I missed her.” I continued, felling the swell of pain in my chest.

Jonghyun in a deep breath between his teeth. My voice shook with the effort to get the next words out.

“I left her messages explaining how scared I was, all alone with my father. Most nights he didn’t come home and the nights he did were worse. I was terrified and I just kept sending her messages after messages thinking that she’d read them and come back for me.”

I ran my hand down my face, feeling the wetness of my tears rub against the palm of my hand.

“I continued writing them for years. And one day, people were leaving me messages. And I thought that maybe if I kept them, read them, then some kind of cosmic energy would straighten things out. That it would mean that my mum was reading my messages.”

I laughed at myself. It sounded even stupider out loud then in my head all these years.

“Pretty pathetic, right?” I asked.

When Jonghyun didn’t respond I risked a glance in his direction. He was staring straight at me, the weirdest expression engraved on his face.

“You’re not even slightly pathetic Jieun.” He spoke the words with conviction.

I swallowed, unable to look away again as he stared at me.

“You’re strong, Jieun. So, so strong.” His voice was gentler now as he stared at me in the eye.

I was shocked when tears started to appearing in his eyes, making my own widen.

“Jonghyun?” I asked carefully.

“I’m not nearly as strong as you Jieun.” He said roughly, his hands clenching again as he moved closer to me.

“I’m so terrified right now. I’m terrified of you getting hurt if I do say something and I’m equally terrified of you getting hurt if I do say something.” He confessed.

I held in a gasp as his head fell on my shoulder and again when his hands found my waist, pulling me close to him. I could feel the tears falling from his eyes onto my shoulder.

“I need you to be okay Jieun.” He whispered his breath falling against my shoulder as he held me.

I felt all the air leave my lungs as once at his words.

“Please Jonghyun. Don’t get involved. I can’t….” I can’t handle the thought of you being hurt.

I couldn’t finish the sentence, the words got jammed in my throat.

“Jieun, he hurt you.” Jonghyun groaned and his body tensed.

“It’s not a bad thing. It’s nothing.” I shook my head.

His hold on me tightened and ever so gently his thumb brushed over my stomach as if he was the scars that lay hidden underneath my shirt.

“It’s not nothing. Please Jieun. If you won’t go to the police then at least don’t stay here.” Jonghyun said, his voice filled with anguish.

I clenched my teeth.

Everything in me wanted to tell him ‘okay’. But it wasn’t that simple.

“He’s my dad Jonghyun.” I said helplessly.

“I know that. I do. But he’s hurt you before Jieun. I can’t sleep knowing it could happen again. That this time it could be worse.”

I felt his muscles shudder under my hands. More tears dripped from my eyes, landing in his hair. He didn’t notice though.

“I can’t leave Jonghyun. Please – I just – I can’t.” I said, my heart feeling crippled.

He buried his face further up in my hair, stayed there for a minute before slowly pulling away, looking torn. I felt my own heart tear in two at the expression on his face.

“Then just for tonight. Let me stay here. You’re already hurt, just let me stay here and make sure nothing worse happens.” He pleaded

My throat tightened, Jonghyun stay where my dad could hurt him?

“No. You can’t Jonghyun. I’ll be fine on my own.” I told him with certainty.

“Jieun.” He said desperately.

“I have a lock on my door and a knife under my bed. I can take care of myself.” I promised him.

But it didn’t comfort him to know. He clenched his jaw tighter, fear passing through his eyes.

“You keep a knife under your bed? You don’t…. do you?” He asked, his eyes darting down to my wrists.

When his eyes met mine again I understood what he meant.

“I only keep it there for protection I would never hurt myself Jonghyun. That’s such a childish escape.” I said with a grim expression on my face.

The pain in Jonghyun’s eyes didn’t leave and I wanted to his myself for upsetting him. Slowly one of his hands reached for my face, carefully, as if he was unsure.

“Is that the only reason?” He asked looking scared.

I stared up at him, feeling surprised y his question. I’d never really thought about it that way before. Swallowing I shrugged my shoulders.

I never once had a reason to live.

“What other reason do I have?” I asked, feeling lost.

The only person who had ever told me they loved me was able to turn their back on me and never look back.

“Me.” Jonghyun answered in distress.

“You have me, Jieun. I – I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, as happiness surged through me, the warmth of his words spreading to every part of me, swelling up in my chest.

Jonghyun’s fingers brushed over the side of my face gently and his eyes grew unfocused. He opened his mouth but he didn’t say anything. There was uncertainty and confusion in his eyes.

“What?” I asked him, wondering why he was staring at me like he was.

“You’re smiling.” He said, his thumb running along the edge of my bottom lip.

I was? Now that he had mentioned it I could feel the stretch of my lips.

“Don’t stay here Jieun.” A scared look crept onto Jonghyun’s face as he begged.

“I can’t leav –“

Before I could finish my sentence, Jonghyun was cutting me off.

“Just a little while. Just come to stay at my house. Please.” He continued.

The refusal stayed on the tip of my tongue, refusing to leave my mouth when Jonghyun was looking at me so pleadingly.

“Just a few days.” HE said again, seeing my hesitation.

And before I could stop it, the word ‘okay’ fell out of my mouth.

“This is a bad idea.” I told Jonghyun quietly, gripping onto the strap of my duffle bag.

“Your mum – “

“Won’t have a problem with it.” He assured me for the fifteenth time.

“But what about – “I didn’t get to end of my sentence.

‘Jieun, it’s going to be fine. Don’t you trust me?” He asked, making my heart pull to a stop.

There wasn’t anyone I trusted more.

“I trust you, Jonghyun, its just – “I started to worry again, but Jonghyun shook his head.

“The believe me when I tell you that no one is going to mind.” He said gently, his eyes filled with comforting warmth.

I took in a deep breath, forcing myself to relax. If Jonghyun said it would be fine then it would be fine.

“Okay.” I said in a weak voice, gripping tighter onto the handle of my bag.

Jonghyun walked up the front path to his house, pulling me along with him. As we entered I kept my head bent low, trying not to feel like an intruder.

“Jonghyun my baby is that you?” Mrs. Kim’s familiar voice called through the house.

“Yeah.” Jonghyun called back, before turning to me.

“You can put your bag down there for now.” He offered, pointing to the empty space next to the umbrella stand.

I did as he said, letting him lead me to the kitchen of this house. Despite the fact, I’d been here numerous times for our project and I had even stayed over once before, I felt out of place walking though the household.

“Perfect timing as always.” Mrs. Kim as we entered the kitchen, not turning around to see me next to her son.

“I was just about to get dinner started. How do you feel about bibimbap tonight?” She asked, bending over to pull out some pots out of the lowest cabinet.

“Uh… mum?” Jonghyun said, trying to get her to turn around.

“Would it be okay if Jieun was to stay over for a couple of nights?” He asked.

This caught Mrs. Kim’s attention.

“What was that sweetie – “She asked in confusion, cutting off when she realised I was in the room.

“Oh Jieun! I didn’t know you were coming over today.” She greeted, her cheeks tinged with pink.

I winced, feeling even more like an intruder than before.

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t planned, it’s just…” I struggled to think of what to say but Jonghyun stepped in for me.

“Her dad went away on conference for work for a few days and I told her she could stay over because she didn’t want to be at home alone.” He explained swiftly, the only tell of a lie being when his jaw ticked when he mentioned my dad.

“That’s not a problem, is it?” Jonghyun added on, almost as an afterthought.

“Of course, it’s not a problem! Jieun is always welcome here.” She said, giving me a warm smile, whilst Jonghyun turned to me his eyebrow raised in an ‘I told you so’ manner.

“Thank you Mrs. Kim.” I said gratefully and she smiled warmly at me.

“No worries darling. Do you like bibimbap?” She asked.

I nodded my head, feeling slightly overwhelmed at how easily she accepted me.

“I eat pretty much anything. I’m not picky.” I said.

“Perfect! Jonghyun why don’t you organise her a room to stay in.” She suggested, smiling brightly.

Jonghyun agreed, nodding his head for him to follow him. He picked up my bag before I could as we walked back thought the corridor which led to the stairs.

“Hey no fair! You’re taller than me. Your legs are longer.” I heard Joon Young’s voice call over the landing, followed by Jinki’s deep laughter.

“You snooze, you lose!” Came the response.

I could practically hear Joon Young’s pout in his voice before I even turned into the living room to find the pair of them in front of a game console. Jinki was holding the controller out of Joon Young’s reach.

“You’re a cheater.” The youngest pouted.

“Hey! I got here first so I get first player.” Jinki said, unsympathetically.

“But you always pick the hard levels!” Joon Young complained.

“the game’s no fun without a challenge.” He said simply.

Joon Young looked like he was about to keep arguing with his cousin but Jonghyun cleared his throat catching both boys’ attention.

“Noona!!” Joon Young greeted me in the same way he always did.

His whole face brightens up in a way that melted my heart into a puddle. He abandoned the fight he had been in a moment before to rush over to me, tackling me into a hug.

I flinched but forced myself to accept the kid’s hug. Though I honestly doubted I had any choice in the matter with how tightly he was gripping onto my waist.

Jonghyun frowned, looking worried as his brother rested his head against my stomach, jostling my injury enough to make me wince.

“Careful, Joonie.” Jonghyun said, putting a hand on his brother to gently pry him away, making Joon Young pout.

“Noona, do you want to play a game?” He asked eagerly.

“Uh…” I said uneasily, as Joon Young continued to hand around my waist, his head tilted all the way back to look up at me expectantly.

“Joonie. Ask her later, she only just got here.” Jonghyun suggested.

Joon Young narrowed his eyes towards his brother, looking suspicious.

“Are you going to hog all of her attention again?” He asked frowning.

“I don’t hog all of her attention.” He disagreed.

“Yes, you do! I want to spend time with her too.” Joon Young said stubbornly scowling a Jonghyun in accusation.

“Um…. How about we play a game tomorrow?” I suggested, interrupting their glare off.

“You’ll be here again tomorrow?” Joon Young asked as his head snapped in my direction.

I shrugged my shoulders, my eyes going to the overnight bad I had packed.

“Apparently.” I mumbled.

“Yes, you are.” Jonghyun said, sternly, hearing the uncertainty in my voice.

“Okay.” I agreed, yielding the last of my protests.

Joon Young chirped excitedly, before rushing out of the room to spread the ‘good news’, leaving me, Jinki and Jonghyun alone.

“Wow. You actually did it! You told him!” Jinki said astonished, as his eyes darted between us.

I glared at him, wondering what it was that tipped him off.

“Not exactly. He found out on his own.” I said.

“Wait. Jinki knows?” Jonghyun asked, giving me a hurt look.

“You told him?” He asked.

I felt my stomach twist in guilt and I shook my head.

“I didn’t tell anyone. He found out on his own.” I stressed out the last part.

A strange look passed over Jonghyun’s face and he glared at the floor.

“He only knew you for a little while. But he was able to put it together faster than I was?” He said distantly.

My heart lurched.

“Hey, it’s not like that man. The only reason I was able to put it together was because I’ve seen it before.” Jinki said wincing.

Jonghyun’s head snapped up and his eyebrows furrowed together. Understanding crossed over Jonghyun’s eyes at Jinki’s uncomfortable expression.

“That’s why you and Auntie left?” He asked, piecing the rest of the puzzled together.

His face turned pale as the words left his mouth and Jinki did nothing to deny it. Quietly, Jinki decided to take his leave, giving me a meaningful look I didn’t fully understand as he exited the room. But I turned my attention away from him, giving my undivided focus to Jonghyun.

“Jonghyun?” I said cautiously, when he stayed silent.

He lifted his head and I flinched at the pained look in his eyes.

“You, my auntie and Jinki all went through it and I didn’t even notice.” He said, self-blame evident within his words, making my stomach squirm.

“Jonghyun, don’t do that. It’s not your fault for not noticing. No one else did either because we didn’t want people to know.” I reached up, gently placing my hand on his arm.

Slowly his muscles loosened slightly and his gaze lifted to look directly at me, his eyes scanning over my features carefully. After a long silence, he finally spoke again.

“tell me how to do it Jieun.” He said sounding broken.

I frowned, not sure what he was asking but before I could speak, he continued.

“You keep looking at me like I’m some kind of superhero. Tell me how to be that person you seem to think I am. How can I make everything better? How do I erase every bad thing that’s ever happened to you?” He begged.

His eyes searched mine desperately for the answer. Slowly I lips, taking in a deep breath I reached for his hand with my free one, taking in my own. Ignoring the way my heart hammered I stepped closer so I was barely an inch away from him and rested my forehead on his chest. His arms automatically reached out to hold me, anchoring me in place.

And we stayed there. The both of us seeking the other’s comfort.

He didn’t even seem to realise what he was doing for me. All he needed to do was to tell me one of his cheesy jokes and he made the darkest situations seem so much brighter. All he had to do was give me his smile and I felt ready to face the world.

“You just be you. When I’m with you, I forget to be afraid.” I said softly answering his question as I buried my face into his chest.