Jieun’s POV

12 Years Ago

“Mum!” I shrieked shrilly, trying to squirm my way towards her, through the litter of broken and empty beer bottles and cans lying on the ground. She turned to look in my direction. There were dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep but she still gave me a weak smile despite her obvious exhaustion.

I bounded my way towards her. My arms were held wide open as I hugged her tightly around her waist. I felt her soft hand patting me gently on my head. So much kinder than his touch.

She loves me.

I pulled myself close to her, burying my nose into her stomach and feeling myself sigh with relief. I was safe. He wouldn’t hurt me because she would protect me.

“I missed you.” I murmured quietly, afraid that if I spoke too loud she would push me away.

I just wanted to hold on to her for a little longer. She made an unintelligible sound before she sighed and pulled herself away. It felt cold when she did. Clutching tightly to her skirt I stared up at her.

“Please don’t leave.” I begged, feeling the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

That earned me an eye roll and she pulled my hands away from her, holding my wrist tightly so that I wouldn’t just put them back around her again. She crouched down to look at me.

“I thought we spoke about this.” She said tiredly.

I looked down ashamed but nodded my head slowly.

“You can’t be here all the time.” I repeated the words she so often told me.

“Then why are you crying?” She asked.

I recognised the tone. She was irritated with me. I bit my lip, to stop it from trembling. I knew she wouldn’t hurt me though. She never laid a hand on me, ever.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured quietly.

“You’re not two anymore Jieun. You’re not supposed to cry.”

I nodded my head and she put a finger under my chin to force me to look into her eyes. I sniffed loudly, pushing back the tears. She was right. I wasn’t two anymore.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated, wiping the tears away furiously.

Weak.

She gave me a small nod of approval at my actions. She pulled one of her hands away, as she looked down at her watch. She frowned.

“You should be in bed.” She said her eyes looking at me in accusation.

I shuffled on my feet. “I was scared. It was too dark in my room. My light broked and I don’t kn-know how to fix it.” I stuttered.

Her whole face contorted into an exasperated expression.

“Broke.” She corrected me instantly. I winced, knowing she hated it when I got my words wrong.

“And I told you before Jieun, the dark is nothing to be scared of.”

I bit my lip, nodding my head.

“Go to bed Jieun.” She ordered pulling away from me all together and standing back to her full height once more.

I bit my lip. “C-C-can you fix m-my light? “I asked, shuffling on my feet nervously.

“Tomorrow.” She said simply.

I felt my heart rate pick up.

“B-but it’s really dark.” I told her.

“Jieun!” She snapped, putting her hands on her hips as she glared down at me.

“I told you tomorrow, now go to bed!” She ordered pointing to the stairs.

My heart sped up at the sound of her shout but I knew she wouldn’t hurt me. I nodded my head, knowing there would be no arguing with her. I twisted on my heels to go upstairs, only stopping half way up to look back at her. I bit my lip nervously, hoping she wouldn’t yell at me again.

“I love you mum.” I said honestly, looking into her eyes. “I’m happy you’re back.”

Her eyes softened slightly as she gave me a small but warm smile.

“I love you too, sweetie. Now go to bed.” She said all softness disappearing as she pointed upstairs, but she didn’t look angry anymore.

Content with that I willing went upstairs, simply happy to have her back again. I promised myself I would be strong to make her proud, so that in the morning she would give me the smile that told me she loves me. But when I woke up in the morning she wasn’t there anymore.

And no one fixed my light bulb.

****

Present time.

“I heard she hit a guy with her truck because he wouldn’t go out with her once.” One voice whispered too loudly.

“Really? I heard that she broke all of his fingers for saying she looked nice.”

“Wait seriously? That is crazy!”

“That’s not all! I heard once that she killed and gutted a cat.”

I kept a blank face on, pretending I couldn’t hear the faint whispers of gossip of the crowd of first years in the corner of the library, as I arranged the books alphabetically. They weren’t exactly being discreet though.

I pulled a book out that someone had put back in the ‘M’ section that belonged in the ‘T’. Was it so hard to put things in order of the author’s last name instead of their first?

“My friend Seo Hyun saw her doing drugs behind the trees outside on Friday.” One of the girls said loudly not even bothering to whisper, whilst glancing in my direction from behind her hair.

“Tae Jun says she deals them. To kids.”

There’s a rumour I hadn’t heard before now. I didn’t let it affect me, as I picked up the books from the trolley I was trailing alongside me, searching for more ‘M’s. I murmured the alphabet lowly under my breath.

I heard the door to the library swing open as a group of boys came inside laughing loudly at some joke that had been shared before. I felt my whole body tense, but made sure to not make it obvious as I turned to make sure they were in my vision so that they couldn’t sneak up behind me. There were five of them, all taller than me and well built.

They obviously weren’t self-conscious either, because the noise they were making had attracted the attention of the whole library and had caught the glare of the librarian. They didn’t seem bothered at all with the fact.

I recognised one of the boys almost instantly, as the guy who had been with Jonghyun in the alleyway that time. Lee Taemin. None of them noticed me as I watched them from the corner of my eyes, making sure that they didn’t come any closer.

One of the boys split off from the rest looking at the signs around the library searching for something, whilst the rest of them waited for him. I stiffened as he walked closer, glancing down all the isles. Seeing the trolley beside me he approached.

“Hey do you know where the books on Psychology are?” He asked.

Keeping my spine straight I ignored him, hoping the problem would disappear on its own.                           

“Hey? You standing beside the trolley.” Obviously ignoring him wasn’t helping.

He sounded annoyed as he tried to get my attention. Turning to look at him fully I raised an eyebrow at him. My eyes automatically assessed him quickly. He was tall. Tall enough that he blocked out a lot of the light shining through the isle with his shadow. He had big muscles too. Big enough that if I tried to fight him I would probably last less than a minute.

That thought alone had me itching to take a step back. My eyes flickered down to the trolley between us. I put my hands to the cool metal of its handle so that he couldn’t move it unexpectedly. He was looking at me with a frown.

“I know you.” He said after not speaking for a moment.

“Good for you.” I said blandly. “I don’t know you. Is there something you wanted?” I asked getting straight to the point.

His eyes narrowed a little in my direction. His lips twitched slightly into a smile.

Of course. You’re Lee Jieun right?” He said obviously recognising my less than friendly attitude.

I kept a blank expression on my face. “Yet again something I can help you with? If not, do me a favour and piss off.”

He scowled at me. The rearrangement of his features made him look all the more threatening. My heart was picking up the pace quickly in my chest. My feet were begging me to turn around and run as fast as I possibly could.

“Look no need to be a , I just need to know where the psychology books are.” He said.

“Read the ing signs.” I told him, because in all honesty I didn’t know.

“They’re there for a reason and if you can’t read them then the library isn’t really the place you should be.” I shot sarcastically.

He frowned, as he glowered angrily. Then he seemed to think of something that straightened his expression out slightly.

“You’re working with Jonghyun for that project aren’t you?” He asked.

I frowned at him. What had that got to do with anything?

“Is this conversations leading somewhere?” I asked him point blankly.

His lips curled. “I feel sorry for him, if you’re always this much of a pain.” He commented

“I try my best.” I said honestly. “Now care to beat it? I have work to do.” I gestured to the trolley between us, begging silently for him to leave in my mind.

“Look I don’t know why you’re acting like this, but I just need help finding the psychology books.” He ground out.

I took a step back from his heated glare. I could add another name to the list of people I’m pretty sure wouldn’t mind to slap me with one of these library books.

“If I knew where they were, I would have told you to get rid of you.” I told him with a shrug.

“Why didn’t you just say that?” He asked angrily.

“You’re the one who assumed I’d know.” I said raking shaky a hand through my hair.

I’m not sure he knew how scary he looked when he was angry. Angry enough to throw a punch at someone.

“Hey Minho, the guys said you were back here.” A voice that was quickly becoming very familiar said.

“They’re wondering what’s taking you so long.” My heart seemed to stop altogether in my chest.

It was bad enough to be cornered by one guy who could easily over power me. But being cornered by two well built, taller than me males? I felt like I was about to faint from the lack of oxygen I was receiving due to breathing difficulties that were attacking me. I could feel my face paling slightly.

Jonghyun’s face peered around his friend that had been blocking me from his view.

“Jieun?” He said, clearly surprised to see me.

“What are you doing here?” He questioned.

I gestured weakly to the trolley full of books I was sorting through. “Having a picnic.” I said as calmly as I could, in the most sarcastic tone I could muster up.

Seeing his face helped a little bit. This was Kim Jonghyun. I sort of knew him. He didn’t hurt me when I was at his house, what were the chances of him jumping at me now in the school library? Where there were witnesses?

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at my comment, but he didn’t say anything about it. That was good. I’m not sure how long I could keep myself calm. Pressing my lips into a thin line, I could the back of my neck growing damp as they both stared at me.

“I’ve been meaning to find you.” Jonghyun eventually said.

I was hoping at this point that he was talking to Kyle, but the fact that his eyes were trained on me would suggest otherwise. That Minho guy took this as his queue to leave, and said he was going to find the psychology book he needed, telling Jonghyun that he’d meet him outside the library.

I raised an eyebrow at Jonghyun once he had left, waiting for him to continue, whilst at the same time counting the seconds until the bell was next meant to ring. He reached his hand into his bag, searching for something. And even though I knew it was ridiculous my heart pounded as it imagined him pulling out a knife or a bat to cut or hit me with.

I’m so messed up.

As he rummaged around in his bag, I used the time that he wasn’t looking at me to try calm myself. my lips I started counting slowly backwards all the odd numbers starting from 999.

It seemed to take an agonisingly long amount of time for him to find what it was he was looking for. I got to 965 before he pulled out of his bag a slim pile of papers that had all been stapled cleanly together.

So it turns out that the worst I had to fear right then was a paper cut. I wanted to hit myself for getting so worked up about the whole situation. Still I looked dubiously at the papers before me, curiosity helping to dim the fear that was bubbling in my throat, enough to allow me to ask what it was. I looked up at him expectantly and he rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“I photo copied some of my notes on Romeo and Juliet. You can go through them to help you understand if you’re confused.” He said shaking his hand to indicate I should take them off of him.

I just continued to stare at him openly, forgetting that I was supposed to be wearing an emotionless mask. I was too shocked. Why does he have to be so nice?

I watched him as his cheeks turned slightly red as he shifted on his feet, his eyes trying to tell what I was thinking.

“What?” He asked uncomfortably when I did nothing but stare for a minute.

I quickly shut my jaw tightly, and moved my eyes away from him to look at the sheets before me. That was the nicest thing someone had done for me in a long time. My throat closed a little and I fought back the rush of emotions flying through me.

I closed my eyes briefly taking the papers from his hands. I stared at the brief notes scribbled down in his messy handwriting. I wanted to clench my fists to help me fight back whatever this feeling was. But I was too afraid to crumple the sheets of paper. I didn’t want to ruin his hard work.

“If you have trouble reading it, just ask me what it says. I know my hand writing isn’t the best-“

I didn’t consent to myself cutting his sentence off, but apparently my mouth had a mind of its own.

“No. No that’s- it’s great. Thank you.” I didn’t recognise my voice properly.

It was too strained. Too quiet. I’ve been nothing but a to him. But here he was, going out of his way to help me understand the work. He didn’t simply get angry with me for being so stupid, like I thought he would. Instead he was trying to help me.

I glanced up at him to see him staring at me. The smart logical part of me reasoned that I should say something y now. I was being too soft. But I couldn’t make myself do that. Part of me wanted to show him at least a little appreciation for what he had done for me.

Slowly I gave him a tiny smile. He was looking at me strangely. Like I was a completely different person from five minutes ago. He cleared his throat shaking his head.

”Its fine.” He shrugged it off. “I only photocopied some stuff for you. I only had to press a button and let the machine do the work for me.”

I pushed back a laugh, biting into my lip and watching as his face grew a little red. He was blushing, but I didn’t point him out on it. Struggling to find a way to pay him back for what he had done I ran a hand through my hair. I had the strong urge to prove to him I was worth the effort he was going through.

But how could I prove something that wasn’t true?

He must know I’m not worth the effort. He’s smart enough to know that. I’m stupid, slow, and weak. I almost never turn up to classes on time and the rest of the time I’m not even there. My grades were never above a D. My own father hated me.

I’m not worth the effort.

Jonghyun’s POV          

What was that?

I walked slowly towards my next class, not even hearing Minho’s very one-sided conversation next to me. I had tried to listen to him but my thoughts kept wandering back to what had happened in the library a few moments earlier.

Why had she reacted like that?

My mind wouldn’t stop replaying the expression that had been on Jieun’s face.

I had expected when I had handed her the work I would get an offhand sarcastic or y comment at most in the way of a reaction. But I had been wrong.

She had looked at me with her wide eyes filled with something close to wonder, like I had performed some kind of miracle. Like I was some sort of super hero. But I hadn’t done anything!

My heart sped up in my chest just thinking about the look she had given me.

What was wrong with me?

I rubbed my hand slowly over my chest, feeling its fast beat. Too fast. I should probably get a medical opinion on the matter. Because there should be no way that my heart should beat faster thinking about Lee Jieun of all people.

She was the girl who skated by in life thinking that nothing she did affected anyone else. She was the girl who never tried at anything. She was the girl that was a complete to everyone, even if they tried to be nice to her. I shouldn’t be not able to stop thinking about her.

Even if she had given me that smile.

It had been small and brief but I was sure I had seen it. It had changed her whole face completely. She had never been bad looking. Far from it. But seeing her smile. Makes my heart did a strange stuttering thinking about it.

I scowled angrily at the ground before me. Was she doing this on purpose?

It was hard to tell what Jieun was ever thinking, because she kept her emotions completely cut off from everything else. I wasn’t sure she even really had them. If she really ever felt anything.

I could still see her face clearly in my mind. She hadn’t had that blank, lifeless look on her face or an icy glare. I wasn’t sure what the expression had been half the time.

All I had done was give her some notes. And my motives were mostly selfish because I wanted the scholarship. But the way she had looked at me was making me feel guilty that I hadn’t done it only for her.

The way she had stuttered out a thank you.

The way she had given me that smile.

The way she had stared at the notes like they were the Holy Grail.

So she had acted weird. Why couldn’t I just brush it off and forget about it? Why was I still unable to get it out of my mind? Why was I just replaying the whole scene again and again in my head?

The answer was there and I couldn’t ignore it. Because it made me realise I didn’t know anything about Lee Jieun at all.

And even though it probably shouldn’t because it had never bothered me before, that answer really annoyed me.