A/N: Another chapter yet again! Please show me your love by subscribing and commenting. Love you! ^^

 

Jieun’s POV

Christmas day.

I sat with my legs stretched out in front of me, staring blankly ahead at the front porch steps. I didn’t know why I was thinking about it. I hadn’t let myself do that for years. I clenched my eyes close, leaning against the wooden banister behind me.

It was hard to imagine that I’d ever once fallen asleep here. The wood was uncomfortable and cold, and there didn’t seem enough space to fit me, even if I had been a lot smaller back then.

I twisted my phone around in my fingers. The same phone I had planned to leave. Sitting in the same place that ten years ago I thought I’d never see again.

One text message.

I’d woken up to see my phone lit up with the announcement. I wasn’t used to seeing it. And for one moment one ridiculously stupid moment my mind had jumped to her. Ten years later and I was still waiting. I hadn’t realised it, but I was.

How stupid could I be?

I almost wanted to laugh, and maybe I would have if it wasn’t so sad. Of course the message wasn’t from her. It had been from Jonghyun, wishing me a merry Christmas.

The thought shouldn’t have even crossed my mind. But it had. And now it was stuck there. Taunting me for being such an idiot.

What had I thought? That ten years later she still thought of me? That ten years later she would suddenly decide to come back and take me with her this time? It was too late for that anyway.

A few more months and I’d be finished with school. I’d be making me own way out. I wasn’t the same eight year old girl I’d been before, waiting desperately for someone to break me free of this hell hole.

I was still on my own - it just didn’t bother me anymore. I’d gotten over it.

So why had I thought it was her? Why had my heart literally stopped in my chest when I saw the message? Why had my stomach dropped in disappointment when I woke up enough to realise it wasn’t her? Why had I been so stupidly hopeful?

Just why?

I snapped my eyes open again, a bitter taste entering my mouth. The answer was so simple. I’d been stupid, because I was stupid.

Because if I wasn’t stupid, my hope would have been long since dead. If I wasn’t stupid I would have never let anyone in as close as I had let Jonghyun in. If I wasn’t so stupid I wouldn’t still have this phone, just in case.

I wanted more than anything to throw my phone against the wall. Smash the screen in with my heel. Destroy it beyond repair. But a part of me wouldn’t let that happen.

I was still holding back on losing that one last thing she had given me. It was frustrating to the point of painful that I couldn’t do it. I wanted to cry out, but I held it in.

I wasn’t that stupid. I knew I couldn’t do that. I bottled in the scream. I ignored the painful way my head throbbed. I don’t know how long I sat out there but soon enough I felt numb.

I pictured my mother’s face. It wasn’t hard, I’d always looked so much like her.

Nothing.

I didn’t even flinch.

Good.

I stayed out there, indifferent to the biting cold. Numb.

Over it.

Eventually the sky darkened, but I couldn’t find it in me to move. I knew I should, but I didn’t want to. If I moved reality would come crashing back on me, and I didn’t know if I could deal with it. I didn’t want to lose this numbness I had created.

My eyes slowly drifted shut as a sudden wave of exhaustion swept over me.

I didn’t bother to try and fight it and stay awake.

 

Ten Years Ago

Christmas day.

I could barely keep myself still. Every part of me was bouncing with excitement. She was going to be here. She promised. I clung tightly to the edge of the front porch step, trying to stop myself from wriggling around too much. She hated that, and today of all days I didn’t want to disappoint her.

We were so close. We were going to leave.

I’d heard her talking about it on the phone. About how we were going to leave and never come back. We were going to be free. No more dark rooms or fear. We were going to escape all of that.

I glanced to the step beside me where I’d packed all the most important things. My toothbrush and hairbrush. The dresses that could make my mum smile when I wore them, because she liked them the best. The little book that my mum used to read to me with, when she was in a good mood.

And now she could always be in a good mood. Now she could read to me every night because she wouldn’t be unhappy again. I could make sure of it this time. We were going to get away, and then I could spend all of my time thinking of ways to make sure she was happy because I’d seen her sad enough times to last a life time.

I’d left all the bad memories behind.

I’d left the pillow that I’d hold on to at night when I got scared. I’d left behind the blood stain on the carpet that I’d never been able to quite wash out. I’d left behind the glow in the dark stars that I’d secretly stuck to the walls, to keep the fear away, and the phone my mum had given me to contact her with when she was away for really long times.

I didn’t need those things anymore. Things were going to be better now.

She’d said so. She promised.

She’d told me that she was going to be home for Christmas. And I had heard her on the phone later the same day telling one of her friends that that was the day she was going to leave and never come back. Today was that day. I knew that her plan was to grab me and run.

We were going to escape together. We could start anew.

I wasn’t going to be that girl that everyone avoided at school. I wouldn’t be scared anymore. I was going to make friends.

And maybe my mum would find someone knew. Someone who could make her smile. Maybe they’d get married. Maybe we could be a family. Maybe we’d finally have one of those happily ever after’s that always finished off the best of books.

Maybe I’d finally have a dad that didn’t make my mum cry or stay away. She’d finally be happy. She’d be smiling. It always made me happy when she smiled.

I gripped on to the strap of my backpack, feeling more and more eager the more I thought about it, as I envisioned just how different out lives would be.

Butterflies swarmed in my stomach. An excited kind of nauseous washed over me. I wanted it. I wanted it so bad.

We’d have a normal life. My mum would pick me up from school, just like all the other kids mums did. She’d brush all the difficult knots out of my hair. She’d come to my school plays. She’d stay with me when I was ill. She’d teach me things like how to cook. She’d be so close to me that it’d embarrass me in front of my friends.

Because I would have friends. I’d have people to play and share secrets with.

I wouldn’t be alone.

Maybe in the future I’d have a younger brother or sister. Someone I could complain about and tease endlessly.

I spent hours out there, scenario after scenario playing like a cheesy film inside my head.

My dad hated dogs, so of course in spite of him we’d have a dog named Roo. In the day I could teach him cool tricks and play with him, and in return at night he’d curl up by my feet at the end of my bed, in the dark, and he’d keep away my fears.

We’d have a house with a large garden and a swing, and my mum would push me on it until I squealed.

Or maybe we’d have a small house, where at the end of each day my mum would curl up on the sofa, and I’d climb up to join her. We could read stories, or play games, or watch films.

The more I imagined all of it, the more my stomach would toss around in anticipation. As hours passed the more excited I became, because there wasn’t a part of me that doubted she would come.

She’d promised to be here, so every hours passed was an hour closer to when she’d be here. I didn’t grow worried when the sky darkened. It was winter, the sky always got dark quickly. She still had hours yet.

So I waited.

I waited until I fell asleep, cold, hungry, tired.

It was only when I woke up the next morning completely alone that I realised I’d misunderstood. It all clicked into place at six o’clock in the morning, when I realised I was still all by myself, and that she hadn’t come.

When my mum had said she was going to be home this Christmas, she didn’t mean here. When she said she was going to escape, she didn’t mean with me.

Still I spent the majority of the next few months outside, waiting, and with my bag still packed under my bed, ready to grab and go at a moment’s notice. Just in case she turned back to take me with her.

I waited.

 

Present day.

“Jieun?” I felt something lightly touch my shoulder.

“ you’re freezing. Jieun!” The action was repeated, causing me to stir. They sounded more urgent this time.

They were right though. I was freezing. Why was I so cold? My fingers reached out blindly to find my covers, but instead they were met with the splintering wood of my front porch steps.

“Jieun.” It was now that it hit me how strange this situation was.

What the hell was someone doing in my house, waking me up? No. That wasn’t right. I wasn’t in my house.

“We should move her inside.” A different voice.

“Jieun.” The first voice came back.

I recognised that voice.

“Jonghyun?” I croaked out.

My head pounded when I moved to sit straighter and a twinge of pain travelled through my neck. Jonghyun’s hand reached out to support me. Worry was lit up in his eyes.

“What the hell were you doing out here?” He asked.

His fingers felt blisteringly hot against my icy skin. But in a good way. I didn’t bother trying to shrug him off right then.

“Sleeping by the looks of it.” The second person spoke, reminding me that we weren’t entirely alone.

Jonghyun’s head whipped around a stony glare set in his features.

“Not helpful Jinki.”

Who the hell is Jinki?

Jinki shrugged his shoulders, his small smile letting me know he at very least thought he was amusing. Turning back to me Jonghyun’s frowned deepened.

“You’re turning blue. We need to get you indoors.”

My heart screeched to a stop and I shook my head. My dad may not be inside but I knew how bad it looked inside. Plus I didn’t want to go in there. The dream and memories were bad enough; I didn’t want to return to the nightmare right then.

“No.” I said stubbornly.

“What do you mean no?” Jonghyun asked, hovering half up, and half down from where he tried standing and stopped midway to question me.

“As in not happening Jonghyun. I don’t want to go inside just yet.” I said stretching out so that my back cracked.

“Are you being serious right now? You’re freezing, you have to go inside.” He said not accepting my answer.

“I’m not cold.” I lied through my teeth.

Jinki snorted loudly, dragging my attention back to him. What was he even doing here?

“I’ll go in and get her something to keep her warm at least.” He resolved, inviting himself inside my house.

“What? No!” I yelped, trying to stop him as he overstepped me, allowing himself inside.

He completely ignored me, and Jonghyun watched him incredulously.

“What the hell – “ The question got stuck in my throat when Jinki froze, half in my house half out.

I knew what he was seeing. I knew how bad it all looked. My brain started scrambling for some sort of excuse.

Jinki’s head turned back to me, his eyes resting on mine for a second before drifting over to Jonghyun.

Maybe he wouldn’t say anything at all.

I begged silently for him not to, holding my breath.

Don’t say anything. Don’t. Please.

Maybe he read it in my eyes. Maybe luck was on my side. But Jinki thankfully didn’t say anything about what he saw.

He didn’t say anything about the mountains of empty and untouched bottles of alcohol, or about of the broken plaster on the wall where my father had blindly punched in a fit of rage, or the mess that littered the floor at every step.

“Be right back.” He said instead with a cheeky smirk. His eyes meeting mine again.

I let out a silent breath of relief. He wasn’t going to say anything about it, not now at least. Not in front of Jonghyun. I closed my eyes my stomaching relaxing a little.

“Sorry about him.” Jonghyun said when Jinki had fully disappeared inside the house.

“He’s my cousin. My mum insisted I bring him along.” He explained.

“Jun Young pitched a fit trying to get invited along too.” He said with a small smile graced his lips.

I smiled a little too. A gust of wind blew by making my teeth chatter and the smile drop off of both of our faces.

“Let’s just get you inside, please.” Jonghyun begged, his hands going to my arms and rubbing up and down to keep me warm.

I should have fought him away, or at very least gotten scared, but I didn’t. The door creaked open behind me, making us both look over my shoulder. Jinki had appeared with one of my blankets in hand. The multi-coloured patchwork blanket that had been on my bed this morning.

Oh god he was in my room.

I tried to remember if I had packed the bloodied shirt or first aid kit away. I think I had but I wasn’t sure.

I tried to tell from his expression whether I had or not, but I couldn’t read anything from it. He passed the blanket to Jonghyun who wrapped it over my shoulders.

I pulled it tighter around myself, not having realised how cold I was until I had my blanket around me.

“You really should go inside.” Jonghyun said, but he sounded less insistent now that I had the blanket, but he still looked worried.

I shook my head at him.

“Not to sound rude,” I said mostly for Jonghyun’s benefit. I didn’t mind so much sounding rude to Jinki.

“But what are you two doing here?” I asked as my eyes went to Jinki.

“I don’t even know you.”

He seemed to take that as me wanting him to introduce himself.

“Lee Jinki.” He said with a small salute.

“That wasn’t what I asked.” I said.

I felt on edge with how close he was right then. I didn’t know him, and I certainly didn’t trust him. But he was with Jonghyun. And Jonghyun I trusted. So I forced myself to relax.

“I know.” He said smirking.

I narrowed my eyes, leaning closer to Jonghyun slightly, feeling some of the tension leave me as I did so. I turned my head towards him, hoping for a straight answer.

“Uh…” He said, stalling.

Jinki snorted rolling his eyes.

“My cousin had a Christmas present to give you.”

Jonghyun looked embarrassed.

“You did? But I didn’t get you anything.” I said feeling a little ashamed of myself.

Jinki made fake gagging sounds. Jonghyun glowered at him.

“If you’re going to keep being like that you can go wait for me in the car.” He said hotly.

“And miss my little cousin’s love fest? Sounds good to me.” He turned away from us and went towards the car I recognised as Jonghyun’s.

When he had shut himself inside, Jonghyun turned back to me with an apologetic grimace.

“Sorry about him. He is so immature.” He apologised for the second time.

I looked over his shoulder to where Jinki was now pulling faces through the window.

“You don’t say. He sort of reminds me of you.” I said honestly.

“Don’t say that. Take it back.” He said pulling a face of horror.

I smiled shaking my head. Jonghyun smiled too, reaching inside his coat and pulling out a poorly wrapped present with a ‘To Jieun’ scrawled on it.

“Merry Christmas.” He said extending his arm out to me, for me to take the present.

I pulled my blanket around myself tighter.

“I can’t. I didn’t get you anything in return.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to have. I know you don’t celebrate Christmas.” He shook his hand, indicating me to take the gift.

“You’re doing it again.” I told him feeling annoyed.

“Doing what?” He asked, his eyebrows drawing together.

“Being overly nice.” I said trying to be mad at him for it.

“Overly nice?” He repeated sounding amused.

“I don’t think there is such a thing.” He said laughing and shaking his head.

“There is.” I assured him.

“Then maybe I like being overly nice to you.” He eyes me curiously.

“You shouldn’t.” I told him honestly.

“Why not?” He asked.

Because I don’t deserve it.

I didn’t say my answer out loud. I shook my head at him instead, and took the present he was holding out for me.

“Because I’ll take advantage of you.” I said clutching the gift tightly to myself.

“I can think of worse things.” Jonghyun’s smile grew.

Really? Because I couldn’t.

I didn’t want anyone to take advantage of Jonghyun. I didn’t want anyone doing that to someone like him.

“So are you going to open it, or just hug it?” He asked, nodding eagerly.

I chewed on my lip. And just as I was about to reply Jinki’s voice carried out over the street.

“Are you coming, Jong?” He hollered, hanging half out of the window.

Jonghyun glared over his shoulder yelling at Jinki to wait a little longer.

“Sorry.” He apologised for the third time on his cousin’s behalf.

“Are you sure that you want me to have this?” I asked looking down at the shoddily wrapped gift.

“Yes I’m sure.” He insisted.

I smiled at how eagerly he gestured for me to hurry up and open it already.

Slowly I did so, carefully peeling away the wrapping paper, and Jonghyun waited impatiently as I did so. The paper fell open in my hand after I removed some tape, revealing a slim necklace with a ruby pendant hanging from the delicate chain.

“I know it’s not much.” He said, when I didn’t show any reaction.

I shook my head at him.

“I love it.” I said gently, lifting it up so I could get a better look at it.

"It’s amazing.” I said, meaning it wholeheartedly.

It was a simple flower shaped pendant with deep red petals, but it was striking.

Jonghyun grinned happily. “Yeah, it reminded me of your temper. You know, because it’s red.”

I felt my heart melt a little. He thought of me. Tucking my hair out of the way I clasped it into place around my neck.

“How does it look?” I asked, making sure the chain wasn’t at all twisted.

My eyes met Jonghyun’s and I felt my heart clench tightly at the look in his eye. His hand lifted slowly, reaching for my hair he gently un-tucked it from behind my shoulder so that it fell back into its original place.

“Beautiful.” He said gently, his voice catching in his throat.

My heart skipped.

The moment was shattered when Jinki called out again catching Jonghyun’s attention. I snapped back into reality, and wrenched myself back. When had I gotten so close?

“I should go.” Jonghyun said sitting back.

He had gotten closer too. I nodded my head in agreement.

“Go inside first. So I can be sure you won’t just fall asleep out here again.” He nodded over my shoulder to where my front door stood.

“Yeah alright.” I agreed, slowly standing to my feet.

My legs shook a little under my weight. It felt strange after having been sat there all day. Just as Jonghyun turned to walk away, I called him back.

“Merry Christmas.” I said.

Jonghyun’s smile echoed my own.

“Merry Christmas.”