Jieun’s POV

I had been sitting on edge all day. I knew it was because today I had to go to Jonghyun’s house. What would it take to get out of doing this?

I had been unusually snappy with everyone today, even for so much as standing five feet away from me. They still felt too close. At least nobody could tell I was in a bad mood at least, because I always acted like this.

I sighed knowing that there was no way that I could get out of doing this ‘catch up’ session with Jonghyun. Even if the thought scared the hell out of me, I knew he needed me to do this.

Don’t be so cowardly.

I wanted to close my eyes and lean my forehead on the cool wood of the table in front of me but I just kept my posture rigid and straight, too afraid that if I did that I would lose my sense of sight. I needed to be alert.

I drummed my fingers on the table in front of me. I was in detention right now, and I didn’t want it to end. Once it ended it meant that Jonghyun would come to find me.

I wanted to laugh at the absurdness of the situation. Technically I was being invited over to a really cute boy’s house (even if it was just to work on our project), and I wanted to stay in detention to avoid going.

I watched as the seconds trickle away on the large clock hung above the black board at the front of the classroom

I could literally see the seconds ticking by, the minutes waste away, the time closing in on to four o’clock. Sure the time wasn’t exactly speeding away but the wait when knowing it was going to end was torture.

Five minutes left.

There were only three other people in the detention room. Two boys who I assume got detention together as they were sat side by side playing silently on their phones under the desk and the teacher sat at the front of the classroom, who looked like she would rather be anywhere but here.

I wanted to run. Move. Do something. But I couldn’t. I unclenched one of my hands, tapping my fingers silently on my thigh. It wasn’t much but it helped a little.

The teacher soon stood up from her position behind her desk and announced the end of our detention.

I wasn’t entirely sure if I was happy or not. It felt good to move out of my seat though. I waited as long as I possibly could, until the classroom was completely empty before I left.

I stiffly walked towards the school exit, the strap of my school bag clenched tightly in my fist to stop it from sliding down my shoulder.

When I reached the car park at the front of the school it wasn’t hard to spot Jonghyun, seeming as the place was practically deserted. He was leant against a sleek looking black car. He was hunched over, his hair falling into his eyes as he looked down intently at something in his hand. As I got closer I realised it was a cell phone. There was a small frown wrinkled into his forehead as he punched the buttons.

As if sensing me his head snapped up, his eyes meeting mine. I wished he hadn’t, because I had managed to keep myself remotely calm as I walked towards him but as soon as he looked at me my heart started to hammer and my palms began to sweat.

I in a deep lungful of air and concentrated on my breathing, trying hard to force myself to walk closer instead of turning away like I wanted to. Once I was at what was an almost acceptable distance I stopped moving, not being able to make myself go any nearer to him. He gave me a half smile as he slid his phone into his pocket. He looked almost relieved at something.

“I was half expecting you to not turn up.” He said.

I looked over at him, carefully keeping the fear off of my face. I shrugged my shoulders.

“I made a promise didn’t I?” I noticed how for the first time since properly meeting him there was no amount of distain on his face when he spoke to me.

He smiled a little and I felt a twist in my gut. I didn’t want him to smile at me. my lips I changed the subject.

“Where do you live?” I asked, needing an address.

He straightened his figure, moving away from his car a little and closer to me.

“Not far from here. It’s about a fifteen minute drive tops.” He said as he started to dig around in his pockets for his keys.

I felt my heart start to race. He couldn’t expect me to ride with him, could he? Apparently he could. He opened the passenger door, nodding for me to climb in. I swallowed.

"If you give me an address I’ll walk” I said.

I couldn’t be alone in a car with someone. It was too close. Too closed off.

“This had to be some kind of sick joke”. He gave me a glare. “It’s quicker for me to give you a ride. He said, clearly not happy with me. “Now get in.”

I stubbornly refused, taking a step back, afraid that he would grab me and force me in. Just thinking about the idea was making it harder to breathe.

“I am not getting in your car.” I refused.

His eyes darkened a little. “Don’t act like such a child Jieun. Just get in the car.”

I wanted to argue further, but his words hit a sore point for me. He was right. I wasn’t a child, so I needed to stop acting like one. It was just a car. I didn’t need to freak out so much. Anyone else would just be grateful for his kindness and here I was freaking out over it.

Grow the hell up.

I tightened my already clenched fist, letting the pain of my nails digging in to my skin keep me from being so weak. My jaw tightened as I nodded my head.

“Fine.” I agreed reluctantly, flicking my hair out my eyes, whilst trying my best to stay calm.

He scowled at me, probably because I didn’t bother saying thank you. Climbing into the passenger seat, I couldn’t make myself relax. The hairs on the back of my neck stood straight and all my muscles were tensed, ready to move, kick and scream.

I flinched when I heard Jonghyun’s door close as he buckled himself in. The radio blared to life with his engine because he hadn’t bothered to turn it off before. I didn’t recognise the song that come on but that didn’t surprise me. I didn’t really listen to music, plus the pounding in my ears was making it difficult to concentrate on it long enough to hear the lyrics properly.

I saw Jonghyun glance over in my direction from the corner of my eyes, as I stayed staring out of the front window.

“Are you going to do up your seatbelt? I’m not going anywhere until you do.” He said.

I could barely even move. Shooting him a dark look I stiffly buckled myself in, feeling even more restrained than I had a few seconds ago. Nodding his head, he pulled out of the parking space. He seemed to notice something up with me and it didn’t come as a surprise. I wasn’t hiding it too well.

“Are you okay?” He asked me eventually.

I knew he was trying to be nice. But I didn’t want him to be nice. I wanted him to hate me just like everyone else.

I don’t deserve kindness.

“Don’t talk to me.” I hissed.

I could barely even get the words out there, but the message was clear enough. He scowled, but didn’t say anything else.

My airway felt too tight. My tongue felt too big and immobile. I was grasping at straws trying to keep my internal freak out to become very external. Why couldn’t I stop being so scared?

It took exactly twelve minutes and thirty two seconds to get to his house. I had counted every second, trying to stop myself from breaking down. For the whole twelve minutes and thirty two seconds Jonghyun hadn’t tried to say anything else to me but had glared out at the road throughout the ride.

Some part of me felt guilty for being so rude. He hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact he had tried to be nice. But the bigger part of me was too scared and panicked to even care.

As soon as his car pulled into a stop I jumped out of the vehicle like it was about to explode at any second. I gasped in huge breaths, clutching onto the cool metal roof of the car to give me support. Jonghyun’s glare faded as he climbed out of his car looking at me carefully, like he didn’t know what to expect.

“Car sick.” I ground out.

It was a good of an excuse as any. He seemed to understand and nodded his head carefully.

“Do you want a glass of water?” He offered after a moment.

I nodded my head, not being able to say anything else. I followed him as he led me up the driveway into his house.

“You can sit in there.” I nodded his head to the first room on the right.

It was a small living room with two sofas in a ninety degrees angle, a table in the middle and a small television set standing in the corner of the room. Bookshelves, filled with DVDs, CDs and Novels were across the wall next to it. Pictures were hung everywhere of Jonghyun and other people who I assumed were the rest of his family.

It looked cosy. It was nothing like my house, where there was a couch and a T.V. and a cabinet full of alcohol, for when my dad got home. That alone made me feel slightly more comfortable.

I sat tentatively on the edge of the sofa. I didn’t want to disturb anything. I was good at messing things up and I didn’t belong in a place like this. A place so full of life.

It wasn’t tidy, there were magazines lying open on the coffee table and used mugs with the last feel drops of coffee in. There were even a few toys lying on the floor. But it was clean and well kept. Someone had put effort into looking after this place. Jonghyun didn’t take long to return. He held out a tall glass filled with water.

“Thanks.” I mumbled gratefully.

I don’t know why he was being this nice to me when I had been nothing but an outright to him. He was a genuinely good person. I could tell that much. I carefully took the drink off of him, avoiding any skin contact. Taking a sip of it actually helped me to feel a lot better too. The banging in my head was no longer as loud and it was easier to breathe. Jonghyun watched me carefully and I gave him a small smile of reassurance and thanks. His eyes widened a little, making my heart stop.

Wiping the smile off of my face I shifted uncomfortably as he looked at me. I wasn’t sure what I could say but I felt the need to break the silence. Thankfully, I didn’t have to say anything, because the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs grabbed both of our attention.

“Hyung!” A loud, yet to be broken, voice called out.

A small brunette boy came running into the room excitedly.

“You have to hide me from mum! She wants to give me a bath!”

The boy didn’t pay any attention of me, which I was more than grateful for. I didn’t know how to act around kids. Being as big of a to them as I was to other people was just cruel. There was a line, and I wasn’t sure where to draw it. For the first time I saw Jonghyun properly smile up close. Sure I had captured random glances of him when he was at school, laughing loudly and joking around with friends. But this was different. He grinned at the little boy, ruffling his hair.

“You realise water can’t hurt you right?” He joked, laughing.

He little boy pushed Jonghyun’s hand away laughing with his brother. Another person entered the room. This time it was a woman. She was older than them both, but she was beautiful in a way anyone could see.

Her brown hair was lazily slung into a bun and she was wearing a skirt and blouse, and a cardigan with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She looked at me when she came in and offered me a smile.

“Hi mum.” Jonghyun said looking up at the woman.

She smiled back at him warmly, her eyes filled with the obvious love she had for her son. My heart clenched at the sight of it. Jonghyun was really lucky. I felt a tint of jealousy, but pushed it aside.

Her eyes went back to me and the smile stayed on her face. It felt weird. I wasn’t used to being looked at like that.

“You must be Jinae, I’m Jonghyun’s mum.” She grinned happily.

I saw Jonghyun rolled his eyes, but I didn’t mind. My name wasn’t too easy to remember.

“It’s Jieun mum.” Her son corrected her.

A blush flooded over her cheeks, and she slapped her hands to them in embarrassment.

“Oh I’m sorry! My memory must be already starting to deteriorate with old age.” She apologised.

I shrugged my shoulders. Not sure what to say.

“It’s fine.” I said eventually, dismissing her apology.

It wasn’t necessary. She smiled at me and I forced back a wince. Why was she so friendly? I didn’t want to be smiled at like that. I didn’t want her to talk to me like we had known each other for ages. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, keeping a blank look on my face. I felt a pang of guilt when her smile faded slightly at my lack of response. But she acted like the small falter didn’t happen.

“I better get this little monster into his bath.”

The little boy whined loudly, that he didn’t want one but his mother didn’t listen. She just laughed, and picked him up, saying he had no choice.

"I’ll leave you guys alone to work.” She said with a friendly smile.

I looked down at the floor, not wanting to see it. I stiffened as I heard her close the door and the sound of her talking to her son about needing to bathe so that he didn’t smell.

“You know the couch won’t eat you right?” Jonghyun said out of the blue, making my face wrinkle in confusion.

“You’re sitting on the edge of the sofa. It’s more comfortable to sit further back.” He explained.

Oh. Right. Shrugging my shoulders I moved back a tiny bit, but not much. He let out a loud sigh.

“Alright.” He said dropping the subject and brought out a large folder from inside his bag. “Let's get started, do you have your notes?” He asked.

I nodded my head, pulling out the thin notebook from my bag. I felt slightly embarrassed as I did so, but I hid it well. It looked like a feeble amount next to his. He eyed the slim amount of work and sighed, so I knew he noticed how inadequate my notes were. Still he didn’t say anything, which surprised me.

“Alright so we have to pick one out of the three novels that we have been working on in class.” He said picking up three books that I didn’t even notice before. “So which one are you most comfortable with doing, because I’m pretty much good for any.” He said.

I looked at the books, and shrugged my shoulders.

“It didn’t really matter what we work on.”

“You’re going to have to at least try and work with me here Jieun.” He snapped, irritated.

I didn’t blame him. Why did I have to be so stupid? The truth was that I wasn’t comfortable with any of the novels. I was equally as useless with all of them. Hell one of them I didn’t even recognise.

“Right. Well you can pick, because I don’t have a clue what any of them are even talking about half the time.” I said casually.

I watched as his jaw tensed and he let out a loud groan.

“Tell me you’re joking. Please.” He half begged.

I felt guilty then. He needed this scholarship and I was messing it up for him. Looking at the wall behind him I shrugged my shoulders.

“Nope sorry.” I said flatly.

I watched as he ran a hand through his hair, his frustration evident on his face.

“So you know nothing about any of them.” He said slowly, trying to see if he got it right.

I nodded my head. Letting out a curse he buried his face into the crook of his elbow of the arm he had resting on the coffee table. My heart went out to him. It really did. I felt helpless as I watched him take in deep breaths, trying to work out what to do.

I tore my eyes away from him, instead choosing to stare at the now empty glass I was rolling between the palms of my hands. He had been nice enough to be concerned for me. Nice enough to get me a glass of water and expect nothing in return. I my lips nervously.

“Romeo and Juliet is a romantic play right?” I said eventually.

His head snapped up and he looked at me through narrowed eyes. I sighed.

“It was easily the shortest novel of the three, so it was probably the least use to us, but it was something right?” He slowly nodded his head.

I sighed. “I think I was there for a few lessons when he was going through it. There’s the two lead characters and one’s really stupid, but they have this dream to be together or something.” I wrinkled my nose.

Now that I thought about it, that was practically nothing. I was probably better off saying nothing.

“That’s pretty much all I know though. It’s not a lot.” I shrugged.

“But it’s something to work with at least.” Jonghyun finally spoke up. I risked a glance in his direction to see him staring at me. I shifted, moving my hand to brush my hair out of my eyes.

“Yeah.” I said unenthusiastically.

“Okay so we’re working on Romeo and Juliet then.” He said picking up the small book, and pushing the other two to the side.

“Do you have any idea what goes on in this book?” He asked.

“Just what I told you.”

I waited for him to get mad at me for being stupid and unhelpful. My whole body tensed, but nothing happened. He just shifted himself to get more comfortable as he opened the book.

“We better start at the beginning then.” He said, flicking to the first page.

I was too surprised to do anything but stare at him open-mouthed. Wasn’t he mad at me? He had every right to be. If I weren’t so useless he would be getting an A easily. He was really smart. I would be angry if I were in his shoes. He looked up at me when I didn’t respond at all.

“What?” He asked when he saw me staring.

I closed my mouth, trying to find the word to say.

“Aren’t you going to yell or something?” I asked.

I wanted it to come out sarcastically, but I don’t have the heart to do that right then. I was still shocked.

“I mean, I know pretty much nothing, and you need an A on this project.”

“Sure it’s annoying, but yelling won’t solve the problem.” He said evenly. Logically.

Staring at the ground, I tried to reign in my emotions. Usually it was a lot easier. Then I noticed the difference. Usually I was blocking out fear or guilt, this was something else entirely.

Pressing my lips into a thin line I nodded my head, not trusting myself to say anything. He folded the book over and I noticed that he had notes all over the pages of his book too.

He had highlighted key phrases, and written annotations in the slim spaces at the sides. It was obvious from the alone how hard he worked for his grades.

I felt a sudden need to prove myself. To prove that I wouldn’t let him down. I didn’t want to let him down, when he had worked so hard.

“Alright let’s get started.” I held my hand out for the book.

He passed it over and I let out a deep groan. The first paragraph alone looked to be about twenty lines. What was worse was when I skimmed over the words they were just describing the scene. I wanted to help, but did it have to be so boring? How was all this detail even important?

“Okay this book better pick up, because I’m about two lines in and I already want to kill myself.” I said flatly, letting my thumb run over the pages, flicking through the book.

I was expecting a snaky comment telling me to at least try, but what I didn’t expect was to hear Jonghyun letting out a little laugh. I looked up at him carefully disguising my surprise this time.

“Don’t worry. The chapters are sort of set out like a scene in a play.” He explained. “First it describes the scene in detail then it’s pretty much all action.”

I looked at him dubiously.

“This book.” I held it up. “Has action in it? Really?”

“Not anything like huge war battles kind of action, but it’s not completely dull.” He said with a shrug.

“A couple of people die in the end.”

I bit my lip considering this.

“Okay so why don’t we skip past the descriptions and go straight on to the action?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“You can learn a lot from the description. You need it to set the mood. It helps you to understand the book. When writing is involved description is important because there are so many things that the writer can try to tell you through them.”

I looked at him blankly. He sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Okay. Think of it this way.” He said gesturing with his hands. “One colour can have a lot of different meanings right?” He asked.

I slowly nodded my head along.

“Like for example red can mean passion, or anger, or love, or death.” He rambled on. “To say ‘red’ is just one word but you can pull out a thousand different meanings and interpretations, and a writer can use that to imply things in their writing. And a lot of that can be done through describing, like saying something is red could be symbolic of any of those things.”

That sort of made sense. I nodded my head to let him know that I understood. Somehow listening to him talk helped me to calm down a bit. I felt my body become less tensed the longer he spoke. A part of me was scared of how I was reacting.

Usually it was impossible for me to relax, even if I wanted to but hearing him go on about English Literature just made him seem less intimidating.

It was amazing watching him get wrapped up in his explanations; he liked to use his hands a lot when he talked.

Time went by fairly quickly as Jonghyun helped me go through the first part of the book, taking it apart word by word and explaining deeper meaning behind them, that meant we didn’t get far past a couple of pages before his mum came in, asking him what he wanted for dinner.

I took that as my queue to leave. It had actually gone a lot better than expected. The fact that we were sat on different sofas with a coffee table between us helped a lot. He didn’t once go to touch me or move closer and I had eventually gotten comfortable enough to sit further back than a few centimetres on the sofa.

Jonghyun had offered me a ride home, which I had refused. I needed the walk. I felt less on edge walking and I refused to get into that car again. Once was enough for the day. Hell once was enough for the rest of my life.

On my way home I stopped by in a bookshop, picking up my own copy of Romeo and Juliet, because I felt guilty that I didn’t even own a copy and hadn’t read the book

We were already far enough behind the rest of the class and I was making it worse, so I was determined to at least try my best for Jonghyun.

I knew that my best probably wasn’t nearly good enough, but I would try.