A/N: Hey everyone. I took a very long break from updating any of my stories because it was really hard for me to write with the memory of Jonghyun's passing. For awhile I actually gave up writting because it was too depressing and sad for me.This chapter in particular was the hardest because I had to descibe about Jieun being in the dark and not waking up... it's hard. Took me many month to complete it and now here it is. 

 

Jonghyun’s POV

 

Two Weeks Later

“Jonghyun?” My mum sat her hand gently on my shoulder, making me jump half a mile in the air and snap out of my semi-conscious state I had been stuck in.

She instantly snapped her hand back, an apologetic look on her face.

“Sorry sweetie.” She said with a wary smile that sent waves of guilt rolling through me.

“It’s fine.” I said stretching out my back, which let out sharp stabs of pains protesting to the plastic hospital chair it had spent the last few hours occupying.

“Visiting hours are almost up. You should really come home and get some rest. You look exhausted.” She said cautiously, her eyes scanning my face worriedly.

I avoided looking into her eyes directly; instead I focused my own eyes on the hospital bed behind her, where Jieun was. My lungs constricted slightly at the sight of her.

Two whole weeks later and I still wasn’t used to seeing her this way. Although she had gained some colour back to her cheeks, she still looked too pale. There was also an air of vulnerability around her, which she usually hid from the world.

“I’m going to stay here tonight.” I said, lifting my eyes back to my mother as she hovered over me, her face full of concern.

I didn’t bother trying to explain to her that I actually slept better here than at home at the moment. My bed is indefinitely more comfy and better smelling but being far away from Jieun had me too keyed up with worry to be able to sleep properly.

Every day she didn’t wake up the chances of her doing so slimmed down and my need to be with he increased. I needed to be here in case something happened.

“That’s only meant for family – “ My mother didn’t get all the way through her sentence before I cut her off with a harsh look that I knew would eat at my guilt later.

“She doesn’t have any family mum.” I said, the truth of my words causing a coldness to creep in my chest.

It hadn’t hit me until far too late how lonely she had been. She’d spent so long on her own, shutting everyone out.

How scared had she been?

My gut sank.

All that time…

She told me her mother left when she was eight. But how close had they been? Had Jieun been alone before that too?

My mind conjured up to the memories of a younger Jieun, the small girl who didn’t talk to anyone. Maybe if I had spoken to her back then, things would be different now.

If I had, would I have been able to help her? Would she still have all those scars? Would I had gotten to see more of her smiles?

“I know that, darling. I’m just worried about you. It’s a mother’s job to worry, you know.” She said gently.

All my irritation left in a blink.

“I know.” I said, my voice coming out a lot softer.

“I’m just scared. I need to be here for her, mum.” I admitted out loud, leaning my elbows on my knees and burying my face into my hands.

Even if I was completely useless, I couldn’t let her continue to be alone.

This time when my mum’s hand fell on my shoulder, I didn’t jump away, I moved closer allowing her to console me.

“It’s okay.” She told me, her voice full of affection.

But it wasn’t okay. Nothing felt okay to me.

“Love does that too people.” She told me warmly.

I didn’t try and deny her words or asked her how she knew. I knew I hadn’t done a good job hiding my feelings. When I had first realised I love her I didn’t even have the nerve to say the words. I’d decided to wait and build up my courage before telling her. At that point I had thought I’d have all the in the world to tell her how I feel.

I thought I could ask her to the dance and then convince her into a date before I confessed my feelings. But after I found out about her father, I put my feeling on a back burner. I should have told her whilst I had the chance.

“I don’t know what to do.” I confessed in a broken voice.

I didn’t know how to reverse time’s damage. I didn’t know how to make things better. My mum letting out small sigh, as she wrapped her arms around me, holding me close in a way I hadn’t needed her for a long time. I let her hold me on to me. I used her as my strength.

“You don’t have to do anything Jonghyun. All anyone can do at this point is wait. It’s not your fault.” I felt the lump growing at the back of my throat.

Why didn’t those words fee; true?

When I remained silent my mother pulled away gently, grasping both my shoulders and forcing me to face her.

“Jieun was a great girl with an unimaginable amount of heart. I barely knew her and even I know she wouldn’t want you to be beating yourself up like this.” She said in a gentle but firm tone.

My eyes fell to the floor and my shoulders deflated, as my throat burned with the need to cry all over again.

Jieun was a great girl.

Her use of past tense wasn’t something that went by unnoticed by me. I knew she was preparing me subtly for the worst possible outcome. The outcome where Jieun never opened her eyes again.

My chest clenched in pain at the thought of it.

I still wasn’t ready to accept that. And I wasn’t sure if the hope that remained in my chest was a good thing or bad thing. All I knew was that the idea of a world without Jieun killed me inside.

My mother let out a small sigh. She knew my resolve to stay the night hadn’t wavered even slightly. She leant forward and gently kiss on my forehead.

“I’ll leave you in peace for a while. Tomorrow I’ll come back with Jung Young.” She said giving my shoulder a small squeeze.

I close my eyes as my heart gave a painful jolt, opening them again slowly as the pain slowly decreasing but never went away.

“Okay” I croaked out, not moving much as I heard her leave. My eyes were once again focused on Jieun.

We were both wrapped in silence as I got up to move closer to her, settling myself in the chair closest to her bed. One that I was becoming unnervingly familiar with. I leant myself gently on the bed, careful not to disturb her, just wanting to be a bit closer. If I was this close to her and she was awake I didn’t doubt that she would be uncomfortable but still I didn’t pull away.

“If you wake up. I’ll watch every classic movie I can find with you – and any other movie you want.” I told her gently, my eyes watching intently for any change in her features to hint that she heard me.

I’d been doing this a lot recently. Making her several promises, everyone of which I intended to keep. I knew you couldn’t logically bargain with someone in a come but that didn’t stop me from trying.

“I’ll make you a sandwich whenever you ask.” I kept watching her, my voice barely over a whisper; I only ever did this when we were alone.

Other people would probably dub me crazy but I didn’t care. I’d already made a wide range of promises to her from vowing I would share all my food with her, to promising that I would one day make her fall in love with me and marry her.

“I’ll celebrate every Christmas and birthday with you. And even in our old age, I’ll let you sleep with the lights on every night with you by my side.” I said gently.

Unable to help myself I reached out for her hand, lacing our fingers together gently.

“I’ll fight your every battle by your side. I won’t ever let you feel alone. Not again.” I said.

I sighed dipping my head forward, not looking directly at her anymore but instead at the blindingly white bed sheets. For the first time, I was having trouble thinking of more things I could promise her that would make her eyes open.

I clenched my eyes closed, not letting go of her hand as I rested my chin on the hospital bed. Opening my eyes again, this time to see Jieun’s face but my eyes focused on the bandage wrapped tightly around her head.

Doctors say they didn’t know if she’d ever wake up and if she did, they didn’t know if she would be the same person or if her personality would change. They also didn’t know if she would remember everything she should.

I sighed out slowly, the thought of Jieun not knowing who I was churned my stomach. No matter what though I was determined to stay by her side always. Slowly as the house passed by my eyes fell closed and exhaustion gradually pulled me towards sleep.

All she had to do was wake up – and I’d never ask anything of her again.

That ended up being my last promise before sleep over took me completely, with me still clutching tightly to her hand.

 

Jieun’s POV

 

Everything was black. There was no white light. There was no freedom. Just a suffocating blacket of black that I couldn’t get out of. I wanted to run and I wanted to find a way out of this dark place but my body refuse to move at my command.

I felt powerless and scared.

Why does it have to be so dark?

This darkness was a whole new kind of frightening. What were the words my mother used to always tell me? I couldn’t recall them anymore eventhough I knew I should. I felt like crying but my body won’t allow me to.

I need Jonghyun.

It felt like I was living out my worst fear. And I wanted it to all go away.

Jonghyun would make this darkness disappear; all I had to do is find him.

Only one problem – I still couldn’t more. Usually at this point my lungs would be constricting and I wouldn’t be able to breathe but I felt as every lung full of came and left my body without difficulty. My body wasn’t responding to my panic.

Why wasn’t Jonghyun here?

As soon as the question entered my mind I pushed it away. Some part of me knew without a doubt if Jonghyun could be here he would be. He always was.

Maybe he just couldn’t find me in this darkness.

And if he couldn’t’ be here, the next best thing was imagining he was here beside me. It wasn’t’ t as hard as it should have been; my mind was already focused on him. It was easy to picture him there, just like he always was.

I could imagine his warm smile the one that always made his eyes look a shade brighter. I could imagine his deep laugh the one he always gave after he told one of his terrible jokes. I could imagine him holding tightly onto my hand. And sometimes if I tried hard enough I could even imagine the sound of his voice.

Not enough that I could make out words but enough that it kept me calm. Those were the only moments of light in this darkness.

It wasn’t a real light. Everything was still pitch black, but it seemed a lot less frightening when I could imagine his voice. I didn’t feel as alone. I don’t know how long passed in this dark nightmare. It felt like an eternity. I kept Jonghyun in my mind, and then I felt it.

I could feel him next to me.

Then I could hear his breathing. It was slow and deep, and right next to me. And I knew he was right there with me. Jonghyun was here, just like I needed him to be.

I could cry with relief.

It hit me a second later that I actually physically could cry with relief. I could feel my breath picking up; finally changing from the monotonous rhythm it had been stuck in in the dark. I took in the largest breath I possibly could, relishing in the feeling as everything else slowly returned to me.

I felt the familiar weight of Jonghyun’s hand in my own, just like I had been imagining and wishing for, but this time it was really here. I clutched on as tightly as I could, not wanting to lose the feeling.

Not even the headache that soon followed could ruin the buzzing elation I felt as I opened my eyes.

It finally wasn’t dark anymore.

I turned my head in the direction I instinctively knew Jonghyun was in, to see him with his head turned towards the wall, his hair facing me.

I wanted to speak, but my throat wouldn’t let me. I wanted to call out for him. He was asleep, his shoulders slowly rising and falling with each breath. I squeezed his hand again, tears in my eyes.

It was a relief to finally see him. My imagination had done him absolutely no justice. I tried to call out his name, my voce came out as a scratchy mess and it hurts. But that didn’t stop me from trying again.

“Jonghyun.” I said roughly.

And slowly he started to stir. His head turned towards me almost automatically, like he was used to the motion of waking up and looking first thing in my direction. My heart hurt as he gave me a blurry eyed smile.

“God I missed you.” He said gruffly, in a way that had my heart monitor racing.

His face scrunched in confusion when he heard the noise as if he couldn’t make sense of it. He turned his head towards the machine before his head turned back to me fast enough it could cause a whiplash. There was no more tiredness in his voice or eyes as he spoke.

“It’s not a dream?” He croaked, wide eyes, sounding half choked.

“I – I don’t know.” I said, my voice coming out a strangled, burning against my throat.

It felt like a dream. Even though the pain of my head and throat, I’d never felt better. It had felt like I was never going to eave the darkness forever. But now Jonghyun is here with me. If this was a dream then I wanted it to last forever.

Something flashed across Jonghyun’s eyes as he stared at me and then before I knew it he had caught me up within his arms, in the tightest hug I’d ever received.

It was firm. It was real. He was really here with me.

I felt the relief flood through every inch of my body and I would let out a sound of protest if my throat had allowed it when he pulled away from me.

“The nurse. I have to call the nurse.” He said, moving around frantically, pressing the buzzer beside my bed. His eyes landed on me again and then he was right in front of me again before I could even blink, his hands reaching up to cup my cheeks.

He had a look of pure disbelief in his eyes as he slowly traced my lips with his thumb and it was only then I realised I had been smiling at his frenzied behaviour.

“I didn’t think I’d see that smile again.” He said, his eyes full of something close to wonder as he shook his head.

His mouth stretching into an answering smile that made me lose my breathe all over again. All this time in the darkness I had been imagining Jonghyun giving me the softest smile he always gave me that felt like he was sharing secret without words. I had thought that was the smile I had been dying to see.

I had been wrong.

The smile he wore was now bright, excited and full of life. Its wide enough as if he was trying to broadcast his happiness to the whole world. It was full of a joy that completely knocked me for six. It was hard holding in the tears of happiness I could feel building behind my eyes as I smiled back at him again.

I almost cussed out the nurse as she entered interrupting the moment. But nothing could burst the happiness I could feel bouncing around the whole hospital room. The nurse’s face was stuck on astonishment before she shook her head, looking between the both of us as if something amused her.

“You kept us worrying for so long.” She said with a small smile of her own, even though I didn’t know her, she was happy for us.

The smile didn’t once leave Jonghyun’s face as he sat by my side, holding on to my hand as the nurse checked me over, asking me questions.

It felt like far too long until the nurse finally stopped asking me questions, and I was holding on tightly to my fourth cup of water. I had been so caught up in my cheer that I hadn’t noticed my thirst before the nurse had presented me with a drink. Once she left Jonghyun turned to face me, his smile still set in place.

Out of nowhere he let out a jubilant laugh. I didn’t have to ask why. He didn’t really have a reason, he was just happy. I could feel my own smile widening. Without any warning Jonghyun pulled me into another tight hug. I didn’t put up any protest. I’d spent so long in the dark missing this. I wasn’t even a little bit scared. Not of him.

“Thank god you’re okay.” Jonghyun spoke the words against my neck. I slowly closed my eyes, feeling the warmth spread through me.

It was then I realised that I didn’t just love Jonghyun. I was in love with Jonghyun.

I was in love with Jonghyun, but he deserved so much better. But that didn’t stop my arms from holding him against me in the event he tried pulling away again.

I didn’t want to let go.