Four months post their successful concerts in Tokyo and the idol group, plus Jonghyun, were in China for a variety show taping. The previous months had passed as all the ones before had. The idols went about their day to day activities and Jonghyun shadowed and drew inspiration from them.

Recently, his bosses had been getting a little more insistent that Jonghyun present them songs and ideas for the upcoming SHINee album. He was happy to oblige, having written a large selection of songs – although none were yet finished – and having come up with multiple concepts that would work for a comeback. Upper management were often hard to read as they all had the impassive face down pat, however Jonghyun thought they seemed impressed with his work. Sungkyu certainly was.

Then, less than a week ago, Jonghyun was informed that he would once again be jetting off to regions unknown. He was much more relaxed this time, knowing what to expect and even managed to get a full night’s sleep before the flight. However, he certainly wasn’t relaxed right now. Jonghyun was going to murder the members of SHINee. All of them. This had to be some kind of plot. It all seemed far too coincidental.

On all trips Jonghyun took with the idol group that required they stay in a hotel, the composer roomed with Manager or one of the other staff. The SHINee members usually split up into two rooms, Onew and Taemin in one and Key and Minho in the other. It was an arrangement that worked well for them and it resulted in the least amount of hassle for all involved.

Thus, when they left for this trip and Taemin declared he was rooming with Minho this time, Jonghyun was suspicious. The fact that he was smirking as he said so and had been acting shifty around Jonghyun for a few days prior to the trip, only reinforced this notion. That and the obnoxious wink the younger male sent him as Jonghyun looked at him incredulously. Therefore, when Key announced that he had something ‘of vital importance’ to discuss with Manager and ‘it couldn’t wait’, Jonghyun wasn’t as surprised as he could have been.

The only saving grace of the whole situation – if it really counted as such – was that Onew looked as mystified by their schemes as Jonghyun did.

This whole situation led to Jonghyun sitting awkwardly on the over starched sheets of a hotel bed, pretending to be composing, as behind the only door in the room – bar the entrance – the sounds of the shower could be clearly heard. The increase in volume of the water splashes indicated to the composer that Onew was nearing the end of his shower and had probably just exited the small cubicle. His thought was confirmed when the water was cut off only seconds later and the rustle of fabric could be heard through the thin walls.

As the door cracked open, Jonghyun quickly looked down to his screen, scrolling idly through his files with no particular purpose. However, he couldn’t avoid looking up briefly. Blushing, hoping that the flush wasn’t super visible to the other male in the room, Jonghyun very quickly looked down once more. Onew still looked good. In the six months since their break-up, the idol hadn’t lost his looks. That was predictable, of course. The man was an idol and maintaining ones looks was paramount. Jonghyun knew that the singer put a lot of work into his appearance and, since the first time Jonghyun saw him on TV when he was barely even an adult, he had appreciated that effort.

Onew was not in his shiny idol mode right now. His face was bare, his wet hair trailing across his forehead and his eyes looking tired. He wasn’t the perfect celebrity most people expected when they heard the name Onew but Jonghyun appreciated this more. This was the real Onew and this was the Onew that, after the initial dazzle of meeting his favourite idol had faded, Jonghyun had made friends with, spent all his spare time with and eventually started dating. This was also the first time Jonghyun had seen the real Onew in months.

Looking over once more, using his hair to shield his eyes from Onew, Jonghyun gave up on not looking. The blue-grey strands were getting long, he probably needed to cut them soon and he should really re-dye it at the same time as his roots were showing again, but for now they made a good screen. The singer looked fantastic to Jonghyun. He was bent over, rifling through his suitcase looking for a set of comfortable clothes for sleep. Water droplets were slowly making their way down from his hair, down the smooth skin of his back and eventually soaking into the plush fabric of the white, hotel towel that adorned his waist.

As Jonghyun watched, the singer pulled out a pair of pants and an oversized shirt and immediately pulled the shirt over his head. Shaking out his hair, the strands apparently hitting him in the eyes as he hissed in pain, the singer straightened up and moved over to his bed. Sitting down, the brunette sat in such a way that he could put on his pants without removing the towel, thus minimising his chances of flashing Jonghyun. He almost succeeded too. He got the pants all the way up to his thighs – damn, Jonghyun missed those thighs – before he had to shift himself in order to get the fabric over his buttocks. In the process, the singer dislodged the towel a little and, letting out a less-than-manly squeak, he flailed to get the pants the rest of the way up.

Jonghyun stifled a chuckle, looking away in amusement. He wasn’t sure why Onew was so worried, it wasn’t like Jonghyun hadn’t seen that before. Looking back to his laptop, still smiling slightly, the composer clicked a song file open, with the intent to spend the evening editing it – because he needed to get some work done, not because he was avoiding his roommate, honest. Onew moved back to the bathroom, whether he needed to use it or he was just embarrassed, Jonghyun wasn’t sure.

As he scanned through the piece, one headphone in his ear and listening to the computer generated instruments, Jonghyun noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. Apparently, Onew was already finished in the bathroom, confirming Jonghyun’s belief that he had merely been embarrassed.

The singer sat down on his bed and pulled out his phone, scrolling through a few pages absently, apparently not paying too much attention to what he was reading. He shot looks at the other male in the room occasionally, as if unsure about something.

After around ten minutes of awkward silence, the male placed his phone face down upon the bed and looked over at the composer. Taking a deep breath, he spoke, his voice loud in the quiet room, “What are you working on?”

Jonghyun looked up startled. He had zoned out a little, focusing on his work – there was one small line that just sounded wrong and he couldn’t get it to work right – and hadn’t realised that the idol was even paying attention to the other person in the small room. “A song.”

Their conversations were still awkward, even months of working together. In fact, that question from Onew was probably the most words the singer had said to him at once in a few weeks. The last time they spoke, the singer had only spoken to him so much due to a need to synch their schedules. Even when the two were alone together they rarely conversed. Jonghyun wasn’t sure how to start a conversation with his ex-boyfriend and Onew never looked like he wanted to start one to begin with. Even when a conversation was started, both participants were unsure how they were supposed to interact with each other and it all just culminated in a very awkward experience all round.

“I got that.” Onew said. His voice caught a little at the end of his statement, as if he was about to make a snarky comment. However, he was unsure of whether that would be appropriate at this point. In the past, such comments would be taken as a joke and the two would snipe back and forth at one another until one of them ran out of insults or gave in. That wasn’t appropriate now. “What kind of song?”

“For SHINee.” Jonghyun said, looking up from his screen. Looking at Onew, the composer nervously tapped his fingers on the laptop keyboard. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to remove the tension in the room. It was awkward and he didn’t deal with awkward situations. “Do you want to hear?”

Jonghyun almost kicked himself. What was he doing? Why did he say that? There was no way this would reduce the awkwardness. No way at all.

“I’d love to.” Onew said, smiling at Jonghyun. Jonghyun felt his stomach fill with butterflies at the nostalgic sight. Onew hadn’t smiled at him, not legitimately, in months and Jonghyun had honestly missed it. The way his eyes crinkled and he seemed to put his entire body into the action was something Jonghyun had always loved and still did.

Jonghyun wasn’t sure how best to do this, but Onew clearly was. The singer slid off his bed and walked across to Jonghyun’s, sitting on the end. He was a long way from Jonghyun, considering the small size of the room, but close enough to cause a bolt of nervousness to shoot through the composer. Looking at the other male, sure his face was giving away his true feelings about this but not able to school his features adequately, Jonghyun shifted the laptop between the two of them and unplugged his headphones in preparation.

Navigating to the screen that would allow him to play all layers together, Jonghyun moved the mouse to the play button, “It’s not finished, so...” Jonghyun said, trailing off, unsure what he was trying to say.

“I understand.” Onew said, placating. His body was tense but his voice and his face showed nothing but understanding.

Jonghyun was a little happy to see this evidence of vulnerability from Onew. He cared for Jonghyun still, as shown by his attempts to calm him. It was also shown by his awkwardness right now. If he truly didn’t care for Jonghyun, he wouldn’t be so uncomfortable even interacting with him. Right?

Maybe it was wishful thinking.

It was getting a little draining though. Most of the time Jonghyun received nothing from Onew but radio silence. The idol was impressively good at ignoring and avoiding Jonghyun’s presence and it was honestly starting to annoy the composer. Initially, he had understood. The singer didn’t want to talk to Jonghyun because the wounds were still fresh. Jonghyun disagreed with his methods and would have preferred at least a little interaction. However, he was willing to give the singer what he wanted. But it had been half a year now. Half a year since they broke up and much of that time the two men had spent in close proximity. Surely, the other man could have gotten over it enough by now to at least talk to Jonghyun? Until he became more comfortable and was able to hold a conversation without looking like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was, Jonghyun couldn’t relax.

Leaning across, Jonghyun pressed the play button and immediately regretted it. He had completely blanked on what song he was working on. The question had been out of his mouth before he had even considered it and he hadn’t even thought about what exactly the singer would hear. He just wanted to do something to distract from their stilted conversation. The second the first strains of music played from the speaker however, he remembered. Unfortunately, it was too late to stop the song now.

He watched Onew’s reaction nervously. The singer’s face was blank as the music played and Jonghyun felt himself fidgeting as he waited for what he knew was coming. As the introduction got further through, Onew finally showed a reaction, nodding his head gently along to the music.

“It’s only rough,” Jonghyun said again, nerves colouring his voice as the intro came to an end.

“It’s good.” Onew said. He went to say something more but then the vocals kicked in. Jonghyun had recorded them himself, doing his best to sing all five parts in a way similar to how the members of SHINee would sing. He wasn’t a professional but he had enough raw talent to do this sort of thing fairly easily.

The composer found himself blushing as the idol looked up at him in shock. He looked like he wanted to say something but he was listening intently, his ear tilted towards the laptop as he did so. He listened quietly for the rest of the song, as the lyrics kicked in proper and the story started to be told. By the end, his eyes appeared a little glassy and he was chewing his bottom lip – an act that would horrify Manager if he ever saw him because he’d ‘ruin his looks’.

Jonghyun looked down at the bed, fiddling with the edge of the blanket, not wanting to meet his ex-boyfriend’s eyes. “So, I hope you liked it...” Jonghyun said, trailing off, not sure what to say.

“Is that,” Onew started, cutting himself off, “are those- are those your real feelings?”

The song Jonghyun had been working on was a ballad. He honestly wasn’t sure if it was a song he was willing to give to SHINee at all. The reason for that was that he had poured his every feeling into the lyrics and the melody. He had started to write it just after the break up. When his feelings were in complete turmoil and his only method of expression was via his music. He had been working on it periodically ever since. He would have just abandoned it, once his feelings had settled down a little, however he really liked how the song had turned out so far and he was a little hesitant to let it go. Composing it had helped, in those early day, as it provided an avenue for him to express his feelings. So he wanted to finish it, if only to also finish his emotional journey.

“They were.” He confessed, not meeting Onew’s eyes. “They still are, to some extent. I guess.” He muttered, looking away.

Although the feelings of sadness and pain had dulled a little since that day, he still held a torch for the idol – and probably always would – and it still felt odd not to have him in his life. They had only been friends and lovers for a year total, yet it was enough time for the idol to become completely pivotal to his life. Thus, it was strange and a little painful at times to have to live without him. Jonghyun knew he sounded like a dramatic teenage girl when he thought like this and honestly, most of the time, he was so busy that such feelings didn’t even enter his head. However, occasionally, the composer would be sat alone, in silence, with nothing to preoccupy him and the feelings would creep back in like a storm cloud covering the sun.

Onew looked pained, as if he hadn’t expected the composer to be so affected by the events that had happened between the two of them.

“What did you expect? Me to just move on?” Jonghyun asked, incredulously.

Onew just shrugged, looking away from the blue-haired male for the first time in a long while. “Kind of.”

“Do you have no faith in my feelings?”

“What?” Onew asked, startled.

“If you believed I’d be unhurt by our break up,” Onew winced a little at this word, “do you have so little faith in my feelings for you?”

“No!” The idol protested, looking up at Jonghyun imploringly, practically begging, “I never-“

“I know,” Jonghyun said, as he saw Onew getting worked up. “Believe me, you weren’t the only one hurt.”

“Past tense...” Onew muttered.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. He was sure Onew didn’t actually intend him to hear that statement but the room was very quiet and sound travelled well. “Aren’t.”

Onew looked away again, embarrassed at being heard. However, his entire countenance betrayed his happiness at that statement. Although, why he was happy, Jonghyun was unsure of. They weren’t together and probably wouldn’t be again so why would Jonghyun’s lingering feelings be a good thing.

“I still love you, too,” Onew said softly, catching Jonghyun’s eyes. “I never stopped.”

“I know you didn’t.” Jonghyun said, “The break up wasn’t because of our lack of feelings and you know that.”

“What if we were to not be broken up anymore?” Onew asked, looking at Jonghyun with something akin to hope.

Jonghyun looked at him incredulously. The composer honestly couldn’t see where that statement had come from. The other male had made it perfectly clear where he stood when they initially discussed breaking up and Jonghyun had agreed with his reasoning. Neither had been happy, of course, but they had both understood. The singer had been determined to maintain that status too.

But now, here was Onew, looking like it took all his courage to say what he did, asking to get back together. The same man who hadn’t spoken to Jonghyun properly in months and tried his absolute hardest to never be in a room with him. It was absurd.

“Why would we do that?”

Onew looked confused. Cocking his head to one side and crawling up the bed slightly, so he was sat closer to Jonghyun, he spoke, “Why couldn’t we?”

“All the reasons you gave six months ago.” Jonghyun said, shifting sideways, slightly away from Onew. This move put him dangerously close to the edge of the small, single bed and he knew, if his ex-boyfriend advanced any further he couldn’t escape so easily. The singer looked saddened by the move but Jonghyun couldn’t bring himself to care, “You’re acting really weird.”

“Am I?” Onew mused, “I guess I am. I just,” he ran his fingers through his hair, shifting the half dried strands and flattening down the small flick that was forming in his fringe. He dried his hands on his pants, looking at his lap as he did so but shooting periodic looks at the blue-haired male. “I really like you Jjong and I hate not being with you.”

Jonghyun really wished his heart wasn’t beating like it was right now. This was ridiculous. This whole situation made no sense. “What about SHINee? The fans?”

Onew looked down at the bed and sighed, “I’ve thought about this. I’ve been thinking about this for six damn months,” Jonghyun looked up in shock as Onew swore. The singer was rarely so strong in his word choice and even when he was he was never so passionate about it. “Dating you,” he hesitated, sighing once more, focusing on Jonghyun’s face, “dating you was the best time of my life. I love you, Jjong. I really do. And… and there’s no point being in SHINee if I’m going to be miserable. I love my job and I love the other members but it’s not fair to ask me to give up my happiness. It’s not and I hate it.”

“I hate it too,” Jonghyun said quietly. His words causing Onew to look at him with so much hope it actually hurt. “But I can’t do it Jinki, I couldn’t face it if you and the others all lost your jobs because of me. When you’re on that stage, when you were in Tokyo, you were so alive and so beautiful. All of you. I can’t be the one to take that away from you.” He looked at the idol imploringly, begging him to understand, “I can’t. And it hurts because I love you so much and I hate being around you all the time and not being able to touch you or show you how much I care but I just... I need you to understand why I can’t.”

Jonghyun reached up to his face to wipe his eyes, feeling an itch building up behind his eyelids. He was surprised when his hand came away wet. He was crying?

Onew moved closer, reaching out to grab Jonghyun’s hands. He smiled gently, repressed tears finally falling from his own eyes, when the composer didn’t move away from him this time. “No one minds. No one.”

Jonghyun looked up, feeling a trail of water extend down his cheek and onto his neck, “What?”

“The amount of lectures I have received from Taemin, Key, heck even Minho, about how I should just it up and get back together with you is insane. They love you-“ seeing Jonghyun’s incredulous look he amended his statement, “or will grow to love you, eventually. And they also love me. They want this for us. They see how good it is for us. If I have to get one more lecture from Taemin about treating you like the princess you deserve to be, I will actually go insane.”

Jonghyun chuckled weakly and a little wetly, happy to note that Onew also seemed affected by what was happening and his eyes were beginning to become red and puffy. He was sure they made a right pair, sat together on a hotel bed, holding hands and weeping like children.

“Taemin...” Jonghyun mused, “That rat!” He gasped, clutching at his heart. He had just realised the full extent of his planning for this trip. He’d obviously gotten Key and Minho in on this too.

“He pretty much talked me into this. Him and Key. I’m not sure I would have had the courage otherwise. I would have just been sad forever.” Onew chuckled, apparently unconcerned by Jonghyun’s outburst. Considering it, Jonghyun realised he probably wasn’t. The older male had known Taemin for far longer than Jonghyun himself had. He was probably well aware of the dancer’s scheming nature and had likely worked out what he had planned already.

“Wait, but Key doesn’t like me. Why would he want us to get together again?” Jonghyun said, feeling unsure. It was clear that Key had been involved in this scheme to get him and Onew together in this hotel room, his strange actions when they checked in made that clear, but it didn’t make sense. Key wouldn’t want the two of them to date one more, surely?

“Doesn’t like you? Who said that?” Onew asked incredulously.

“No one.” Jonghyun said slowly, looking at the idol like he was insane. “But his actions have been very clear.”

Onew snorted and waved his hand in front of his face dismissively. “That wasn’t Kibum not liking you. That was him not liking the idea of us dating.”

“Wait, what?”

“He came to me more than once with these pre-planned lectures about dating and the effect it could have on me, the group, our fans. He was worried about me in his own way. He was worried about you too, what the fans would do if they found out.” Onew explained.

Jonghyun cocked his head slightly as he thought all that information through. It was like his whole interpretation of events had been its axis and suddenly everything was different. “But-“

“He stopped that soon after we did break up.” Onew continued quietly, cutting the blue-haired man off. “He saw how miserable I was and, I guess he realised there were benefits to us dating too.” The idol finished, ruffling his hair slightly as he spoke, his fingers getting caught in the messy strands. “He came and had a heart to heart with me about it all soon after we… stopped being an item and he apologized for his behaviour. He insisted he wouldn’t stop us being together anymore, even though he wouldn’t like it. It’s why he got you this job, I think.” Jonghyun didn’t even want to consider the implications of that statement. It was far too much to handle right then. “But I couldn’t do it, there were too many potential issues… But now,” Onew shrugged, not sure how to finish his statement and looked at Jonghyun imploringly, staying silent.

“That’s sweet but Manager-“

“Knows.” Onew finished.

Jonghyun’s head shot up in shock, “Wait, what?”

“Apparently I’m super bad at keeping secrets,” Onew chuckled, the sound only a little strangled. “I thought I was going to wet myself when he asked to talk to me alone after the whole dating scandal thing. Apparently he doesn’t mind either, as long as we’re discreet. Secret from management and the fans but that’s no different from before, right?”

“And we almost got caught before!” Jonghyun protested, his grip on Onew’s hands tightening. This whole conversation was both wonderful – because Onew felt the same as he did – and terrible – because nothing could come of it. “It’s why this,” He gestured at their interlinked hands, “can’t happen!”

“They thought I was dating a woman,” Onew said, “and only because I did typical date things that day. If we’re careful people aren’t going to immediately jump to ‘gay’ as a conclusion. Hell, Taemin and Minho are more handsy in public than we ever were.”

“That might be true, but-“ Jonghyun protested, his words sounding weak even to him.

“But nothing. We won’t be caught.” Onew said, with finality, as if Jonghyun’s decision was already made. “Plus, even if we were, I don’t mind. Nor do the others. Even if the worst was to happen. Taemin has his solo career, Key has his fashion and Minho is making waves in the MC world. I’m not ashamed of our relationship. If things were better, I’d be yelling it from the rooftops. I love you Kim Jonghyun and I can’t, I just can’t do this anymore. This constant-” He gestured wildly as if he expected Jonghyun to understand and, in a way, the composer did. “This awkwardness, the avoidance, the hurt from seeing you sad, happy, doing things without me.”

“The avoidance is all on you,” Jonghyun muttered.

“I know.” Onew said, looking away in shame, “I didn’t know how else to cope.”

Jonghyun the singer’s face, wiping a stray tear off of his cheek, “Taemin told me.”

“That kid,” Onew chuckled. “He thinks we can do this. I think we can too.”

Jonghyun looked up at him, with hope. He was seriously considering it. As insane as that sounded. He still had a lot of fears and he was terrified something would go wrong but Onew’s confidence was comforting and, honestly, he really wanted to accept this offer.

His friends had been hinting at something similar too. They had been less overt than Taemin had been but they had been clear enough. They would drop hints in conversation or when talking about their own significant others – Jiwoong had finally admitted he had a girlfriend, though he had yet to introduce her to his friends. Sodam had been incredibly unsubtle, although she probably believed she was subtlety itself, and had started talking about her ‘friend’ who loved a guy but broke up because of their ‘families’ disapproving. It would have been a realistic scenario if his sister was any good at lying to him. Unfortunately, she wasn’t.

Jonghyun had been resistant to all attempts to get him and Onew to reconcile, not able to face the potential consequences. The comments had been wearing down his resolve, though. This conversation had eroded them fully.

However, “We can’t just jump right back into a relationship.” Jonghyun said, causing Onew to look at him with furrowed brows. “It’s been six months since you even spoke to me, Jinks. We need to go back to being friends first. If it evolves from there, then that’s fine.”

“I’m ok with that,” Onew acquiesced. “Honestly, it’s smart. We can take it slow.”

Jonghyun smiled at him, pulling the idol into a gentle hug. He knew many people would be confused by his request. They had spent so much time apart that spending any more time not dating sounded a little insane. However, he needed a little time and Onew – the beautiful man that he was – understood that. “Thank you for understanding.”

Onew pulled away, grinning broadly, “I’d have said yes even if you’d suggested we never have again. I love you, fool.”

Jonghyun swatted at the other male playfully, laughing when he dodged the incoming hand, “So, how should we tell the others?”

“We shouldn’t.” Onew stated matter-of-factly.

“What?” Jonghyun asked in confusion, his body freezing. He felt a strange flash of hurt through his chest at those words. It was irrational, Onew probably had a reason. However, his emotions were a little raw right now.

“Clearly, they set this little scenario up so that we would do this, right?” The idol explained, gesturing between the two of them; though this action was difficult with one arm wrapped around the blue-haired male. Jonghyun nodded, confused, “Then we make it seem like their plan failed and enjoy secretly as they get annoyed and come up with new plans.”

Jonghyun chuckled, feeling warmth flood back through his limbs, he had forgotten how odd Onew’s humour could be at times. Yet, it always made him laugh, no matter how lame the joke. “Ok, you’re on. It’ll to not talk to you when they’re around though.”

Onew groaned, “I didn’t think of that. Can I change my mind?”

“It’ll be worth it,” Jonghyun said condescendingly, all previous feelings of hurt or worry leaving as he fell back into the easy routine of teasing the singer. Patting Onew’s hair and enjoying the feeling of the older male leaning against him, he smiled gently. He had missed this, the closeness. It may be awkward at first as the two bonded once more but it would ultimately be worth it. Plus, he knew he – and by extension Onew – would be a lot more careful this time around. “We should probably tell Manager, though.”

“He might even help,” Onew mused, tapping his lip with one finger. “This will be fun.”

 

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CHAPTER NOTES: A long one for you. I hope you enjoyed ;D

Also, this will be my last update until at least wednesday next week. I have job orientation (a month after I arrived >.<) for a week and there's no guarantee of internet whilst I'm there. But I promise to keep updating regularly (at least twice a week) when I return.