“Hello,” Jonghyun said. He was proud that his voice didn’t crack or break or even stutter as he spoke. Ok, so he had only said a single word but it was the only word he had said to Onew since that day. Therefore, his ability to say anything at all was quite impressive, he thought.

“Hi!” A voice that was definitely not Onew’s replied.

“Taemin?” Jonghyun asked, confused.

Eunji made eye contact with her newly blue haired friend and mouthed ‘Taemin’. Jonghyun nodded and shrugged, not sure why the younger male was calling him either. The girl made a dramatic gesture that, as best Jonghyun could guess, represented feelings of annoyance related to simultaneously getting his hopes up (because Onew was calling) and making him sad (also because Onew was calling). At least, that’s what he thought the girl meant. There was a lot of information conveyed through a limited number of gestures so it was a little difficult to determine.

“Why are you on Jinki’s phone?” The composer asked.

He wasn’t sure how he felt now that he knew it wasn’t Onew on the line. A little relieved, he supposed, because he wasn’t sure what he would say to his ex-boyfriend. He hadn’t had the time to fully come to terms with what had happened yet, so he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to talk to the singer naturally. However, he was also a little disappointed. It may seem childish and wishful thinking but, at least in his heart, he still wanted the idol to come running back to him. He wanted the other male to realise that he couldn’t live without Jonghyun and screw the company, screw his many fans, screw the rest of the group who would also lose peoples’ respect and their jobs and their lives would be in shambles and... oh, who was he kidding? He couldn’t ask or expect that of Onew. There was too much at stake.

“Because I don’t have your number and you don’t have mine and you might be one of those people who doesn’t answer if they don’t know the number.” The dancer stated matter-of-factly. The way he said it indicated he believed that to be obvious and he didn’t understand why Jonghyun would question it.

Jonghyun’s mind took a second to process what exactly the younger singer had said. There were too many thoughts flying round his head at once, so he didn’t have his full brainpower to dedicate to listening and processing the boy’s words. Combine that with the sheer amount of them and the speed they were delivered at and it took him a few seconds.

Eunji snickered silently at the slightly dumbfounded look on the blue-haired man’s face. Standing up slowly, feeling a little like an old woman when her knees cracked, she patted Jonghyun’s knee to get his attention. When her friend looked up at her, she signaled that she was going to go to the living room to let him finish his phone call. Jonghyun nodded his assent and was thankful for her thoughtfulness.

“I guess that’s true...” Jonghyun agreed, not sure what to say. He still didn’t know why the younger male had called.

Luckily, he didn’t have to think of something to fill the silence as Taemin carried on talking, oblivious to Jonghyun’s thoughts. “I called for two reasons. One being to apologise.”

“Apologise?” Jonghyun asked, confused.

“Yeah,” The singer said, trailing off a little as if unsure how to continue, “I totally told a story about you on TV and-“

“I saw it.” Jonghyun interrupted.

“You did? Oh God. I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Jonghyun honestly wasn’t sure why the younger male would need to apologise. It wasn’t like his identity was given away on TV – ok, those close to him would be able to work it out but he really didn’t mind that. The story wasn’t even that embarrassing. If anything, it had been amusing to hear about it from another person’s point of view. Especially considering a lot of that night was a complete blur to the blue-haired man.

“I usually ask people permission and like, vet the story with them before I talk about anything on air. The others do too. It’s something SM likes us to do. For politeness, you know?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jonghyun assured, “I found the show entertaining. You told the story well.”

“Well,” the singer said, his voice sounding proud, “I do consider variety shows to be one of my many talents.”

“Like bragging, I see.” Jonghyun countered. The composer very much enjoyed the splutter of fake rage the idol let out and couldn’t help but laugh. This, in turn, caused the idol to pout more, to the point where it was audible in his voice.

“Meanie.”

“Yup,” Jonghyun said, facetiously. “It’s my prerogative as your elder to be as mean as possible.”

“Ugh,” Taemin groaned, “you sound just like the hyungs.”

“What, you saying I’m not a hyung?” Jonghyun chuckled. He stretched out as he spoke, the wooden kitchen chair getting uncomfortable after sitting in it all afternoon. Standing up he moved over the kitchen counter, hopping up and sitting on top of it. The fake granite was equally as hard as the chair but the change of location was appreciated.

“You, uh, I mean. I can call you hyung if you want. But...” The boy sounded so hesitant.

Jonghyun decided to stop teasing the poor singer, “Chill, I was kidding. I don’t expect to be your hyung.”

“We act basically the same age anyways.” Taemin cut in, snickering wickedly.

“In that case, you’re definitely calling me hyung.” Jonghyun quipped back. “Rude child. I deserve your respect.”

“Nah,” Taemin said, completely nonchalant. “Anyway, the other reason is better, I swear. Less apologising more thank yous. I wanted to say thank you for the song and all the paperwork to allow me to use it. I woulda been stuck if I had to do that myself and the song is awesome.”

Jonghyun, when he gave the song to Onew, had prepared it in such a way that the young singer could use it immediately. In the past, he would have just given him the sheet music and preliminary test recording and assumed that was the end of that. However, his work in the music industry had taught him that a lot more was required before a song could be used. Thus, he had provided all the necessary forms and paperwork to sign the song over to Taemin and allow the SM Entertainment production team full editing rights. As it was a gift, he hadn’t put in any claims of royalty payments, which probably made the process a whole lot smoother too. His only stipulation was that his name was published as the original song writer.

“I’m glad you like it.” Jonghyun said. He reached out idly and began to play with a sugar packet. He personally didn’t use them, however Jiwoong had recently gone on a spree of collecting them from every cafe he visited. Jonghyun wasn’t sure why and honestly, wasn’t planning to find out but it had left the kitchen filled with the things. They weren’t even collected into one neat place, they were spread all over. Personally, he would have put them in the pantry with the sugar and flour but, for some reason, Jiwoong, in his infinite wisdom, seemed to think that by the kettle, in the spice rack and basically anywhere else he could put them in the apartment was the best place for them. The one he was currently playing with had come from on top of the microwave and appeared to originally be from the up market coffee shop two streets over.

“It’s great, really!” The singer reassured, still expressing his thanks. “Jongin, that’s Kai, he loves it too.”

Jonghyun chuckled. The other male was an adult now, having exceeded his teenage years, yet he still came across as quite child-like. It was refreshing. Oh, sure, he knew how to manipulate people into doing what he wanted and he was quite a force when angry – according to Onew – but there was something about him that just cheered Jonghyun up every time they spoke.

“I’m glad. You guys performed it really well.”

 “Thanks! It’s a fun one to sing and dancing with Kai is always fun. So yeah, I called to say thanks because seriously, the song is great and I love it. I was totally kidding when I asked you to write me a song, you know?” Even through the phone, Jonghyun could tell that Taemin was gesticulating with his free hand as he spoke. There was an exuberance to his voice that just necessitated hand gestures.

“I’ve been writing songs for you guys for years. Writing for you was easy.” Jonghyun said, falling into the easy routine of talking about his work. He felt like he spouted the same lines to everyone who asked. But hey, they were true and that was all that mattered. “The worst part of composing is working out what works for the singer. I know you, so I could just let loose and have fun.”

“You know me, huh?” Taemin said. If Jonghyun could see the younger man’s face he was sure he would see him winking or doing some other such obscene gesture.

Rolling his eyes, Jonghyun bantered back, “I don’t but I would love to. Come here and let me love you.”

“Not sure Jinki would like that.” Taemin quipped.

Jonghyun stilled and he was pretty sure he heard Taemin say a stifled ‘oops’ through the phone. All sense of fun he felt from this conversation and the back and forth the two had created drained and he found it a little difficult to draw breath properly. The sugar packet ripped open, spilling small white grains across the counter top and his lap. Jonghyun cursed quietly, not caring that he didn’t bother to cover the phone’s microphone, and jumped down from the counter, swiping the offending substance from his pants.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin babbled, “ I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I’m so used to you and Jinki being a thing that I... I forgot. I’m sorry.”

Jonghyun sighed but gave no other response. He honestly wasn’t sure what he was meant to say. Eunji, having heard Jonghyun’s curse, entered the room, looking at her friend in concern.

“You ok, Jjong?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” He answered, still looking at his pants. The sugar was spread around his feet, he would need to clean that up later or it would get sticky. It already was in a few places, the grains having fallen in the puddles left over from the hair dye adventures of earlier in the afternoon.

“I’m sorry.” Taemin repeated his voice soft.

“Not your fault.” Jonghyun said, ignoring Eunji’s look of confusion. The girl apparently realised he was still on the phone and, seeing the conversation wasn’t over, gestured that she was leaving once again. Jonghyun didn’t acknowledge her but she seemed to take his lack of movement or sound as acceptance of her gesture.

“I...” As the singer spoke, Jonghyun moved over to the other side of the room, away from the sugar and back to the kitchen chair. Sitting down heavily, he ignored the slight pain in his behind as he landed harder than intended and rotated the chair so it was facing the table once more. That done, he leant forward, resting his elbows on the fake wood and leaned his head on the hand that wasn’t holding his phone. “You and Onew were perfect together and it’s super sad that you had to break up. Especially as neither of you wanted to do it. Onew’s devastated. He hides it well but... this wasn’t what he wanted to do either.”

It hurt to hear this but at the same time, Jonghyun needed it. He knew how he was feeling and he had assumed Onew was feeling similar things. However, he had had no confirmation of that fact. Sure, he had seen the other male was lethargic and sad-looking during the taping of that variety show but there were so many other possible factors that could have caused that mood. So, to have someone close to his ex-boyfriend, someone who saw him every day and most likely spoke to him about his problems, tell him that the idol regretted what they had to do, it felt good. Painful, yes. But freeing in a way. Like he, himself, wasn’t strange for feeling as he did because of this. That it was a problem they both shared. It had been one of his deeply hidden insecurities that Onew had just used the news articles as an excuse to break up with Jonghyun. Sure, it was completely against the male’s character and sure there were easier ways to do it, but it was paranoia for a reason. It didn’t have to make sense.

“It had to be this way.” Jonghyun said, quietly.

“I get why you did it.” Taemin said, equally as soft. “I don’t think I could have done it. I’m too selfish. I’d live only for my own happiness, screw everyone else. Hell, if Jinki had done that, I think the entire group would have understood.”

‘It’s for his own happiness too.”

“It is,” Taemin agreed. “He loves being an idol. But you can’t tell me you don’t believe it’s mostly for other people.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jonghyun said, studying a small scratch on the surface of the table. The brown of the wood pattern had scraped away slightly, probably by the scratch of a blade or some obscure art supply – Jiwoong kept using the poor table as a place to create his works. The white of the plastic beneath the pattern flashed through and Jonghyun picked at it with his fingernail, watching small flakes of fake wood peel off the surface. “He was so worried that, if we were caught, then SHINee would have to break up. He didn’t want to hurt you guys in any way. He planned all of this so that the minimum amount of people would be hurt.”

“Those people being you two.” Taemin agreed. “But it wasn’t for SHINee. Not completely.”

Jonghyun furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Not for SHINee? “What do you mean?”

‘It was for you.” Taemin said, as if it was obvious.

“For me?”

“If you got caught, can you imagine what would happen?” The boy said. His question was clearly rhetorical, though Jonghyun could think of many things, and the boy continued to speak. “There would be a media circus. People would be desperate to find out who you are. What you do. They would dig up all the dirt on your past. People would judge you based on assumed personality traits, your appearance, that one time you were mean to someone when you were twelve. ‘Old friends’ from high school will emerge claiming you were ‘incredibly close’ or you were a bully.”

Jonghyun listened in mute shock. He hadn’t considered any of that. Most of his fears of discovery had been for Onew. The idol was set to potentially lose his job, his fans and his way of life. He had never considered that people would be interested in him. He was a nobody. Sure, he wrote some songs that some people liked but who really payed attention to who wrote the music? Most people cared about the singers, the dance moves, the concepts. His name was out there but he was no one important.

“Jinki saw how you reacted to that bullying thing. You took it as well as could be expected,” the younger male said, preempting Jonghyun before he could protest that he dealt with it perfectly well and cutting off anything the blue-haired man might want to say, “You are untrained at dealing with the media and you take things to heart. Don’t deny it, even I know that and we’re only just friends. He was so scared that you guys would be caught and you would freak out. There’s always reports of celebrity, civilian couples where the non-celebrity freaks out and leaves. I’m not saying you would. Not at all. But they leave for a reason.”

“I wouldn’t leave.” Jonghyun said, still studying the table although he wasn’t taking it in.

“I know that and Onew knew that, I think. But I think that scared him just as much. That you would stay. That you would deal with that crap every single day. I think that, combined with everything else, was a big part of his reasoning.”

“I’d never considered that.” Jonghyun said, “The self-sacrificing .”

That statement startled a laugh out of Taemin who hadn’t been expecting Jonghyun to say anything against Onew. If anything, he had been expecting tears or yelling. Honestly, the composer just sounded like he understood and, in a way, that made this whole situation more painful.

“Maybe one day we can be friends again.” Jonghyun mused, hearing a noise of assent from Taemin. “I’m sure he feels the same as I do right now and probably can’t face it. But one day soon. Maybe.”

“Maybe.” Taemin agreed.

The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Neither felt a need to speak and their soft breaths were all that could be heard over the phone.

Finally, Taemin broke the silence, “I’ll text you my number, ok? Text me or call me whenever. I’ll answer when I can. You’re a good friend.”

Jonghyun smiled lightly. It was only when tragedy hit that you realised how amazing your friends are. His friends were really showing how fantastic they were. All of them, even Jiwoong, deserved his endless gratitude for how much they were helping him through this.

“Say hello to the others for me and...” Jonghyun hesitated, not sure he should say anymore, “tell Jinki I’m doing ok. Tell him to keep his head up. I’m cheering you guys on from the sidelines, as I always have. I’m cheering on all of you.”

“I will.” Taemin said, gently. It was only then, as the singer hung up and the phone vibrated in his hands, that Jonghyun realised how mature Taemin really was. Sure, he played up the young and cute role for the cameras and sure, he acted playful and mischievous when he could. However, when the situation called for it, he was one of the best listeners Jonghyun could imagine and he often came out with pearls of wisdom that one wouldn’t expect from one so young.

Smiling a sad smile, Jonghyun pushed himself up from the table and headed into the living room. He could hear the television from here and he fully intended to sit with Eunji and watch bad dramas for a couple of hours. The girl would protest that they weren’t bad shows and Jonghyun had no taste but the composer knew otherwise. The shows she chose to watch were sub-par at best.

He would clean up the mess in the kitchen later.

 

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CHAPTER NOTES: Taeminnie is a grown up. Taeminnie is the best grown up. No sarcasm.

I have a love hate relationship with the word however. I love the word, I use it a lot. I hate how much I use it. Emily, the word but exists. Use that sometimes, maybe.