Chapter 51 – What To Do

I cried for an entire day after learning that I’d lost the baby. I don’t know why it hadn’t even occurred to me to ask the doctors before, but I guess with everything that had happened, they didn’t think I could handle it. Well they were right. And apparently neither could Taehyung, who had stormed out just after delivering the news; when I possibly needed him the most. But then again, maybe he needed to be alone too. It was his baby as well that we had lost. Our child. Ours. This knowledge alone hurt more than every other pain put together.

Mom came back later in the evening, poking her head through the door and asking shyly if she could come in. My mother was not shy. She was a very imposing woman, both physically and personality-wise. I was nothing like her. I always joked that she had only given me all of her flaws, “and my pretty face,” she would add, jokingly; which was true. But she could be gentle.

I said no, but she came in anyways. I was stuck in a hospital bed, barely able to move. What could I do anyways? The best I could do was turn away from her when she sat in her usual chair and brought it up close to my bed.

“Baby… Emma…” she pleaded with me.

“You don’t know Ma, you just don’t know…” I told her, trying to fight the tears.

“Of course I know…” she grabbed onto my hand, holding it in hers and I didn’t fight her, “I got a phone call from halfway across the world, telling me my baby girl was hovering between life and death in a foreign country. You think I don’t know how it feels to lose a child?!”

Her voice was high-pitched, like she was close to tears. It surprised me and made me open my eyes.

“I don’t know what I would have done, Emma…”

I could hear her sobbing, and for a moment, I felt guilty. We stayed quiet for a moment. Her holding on to my hand so tightly, it would have hurt if the rest hadn’t hurt so much more. I barely felt it.

“I’m sorry, Ma…” I finally whispered, close to tears myself.

I felt her shake her head. Then she my hair.

“My child… My precious child… My baby…” there were both tears and smiles in her voice. “I’m taking you back with me as soon as the doctors give the ok.”

“What?! No!!” shock made me violently turn around in the bed and I winced in pain.

“Sshhh… it’s not anytime soon…”

“Mom, I’m not leaving.”

“You can heal quietly at home.” she said soothingly, as if I hadn’t said anything.

“My life is here.” I protested.

“What life? You just moved here. Your life was in Japan. You just left it. You can do it again. Your home is in Canada. With your family.” she used her no-nonsense voice on me.

“Mom, No.”

“I understand, baby, but…”

“You understand nothing.” I interrupted her, my words slashing at her.

“My sweet baby…”

“Taehyung, Ma… I can’t leave him.” my tone changed from aggressive to pleading.

“He’s 20 years old, Emma…” she said to me, as if trying to reason with a child.

“I don’t care, and neither does he.” I retorted sulkily, as if I was one.

“He’ll change his mind.” she said sweetly, but I could tell she was starting to lose her patience.

“He won’t! he’s proven it to me a thousand times!”

“Emma…”

“I love him, Ma… More than anything… and more than that, he loves me! He actually, really loves me!” I was wailing so loudly, I’m sure the entire ward could hear us.

“And his fans hate you…” she said it in a quiet, slightly disdainful voice, but it shut me up worse than if she had screamed. I had no reply for this. I looked down at my hands.

“I just want what’s best for you…” she added, softly, as I wasn’t answering.

I untangled my hand from hers and turned around in the bed. It hurt, but my heart hurt more. She tried to speak to me again but I wasn’t answering. I couldn’t hear her. My head was too full of everything, the only way to deal with it was to block everything out. Eventually she left, and I heard her defeated sigh as she closed the door. I let one out of my own once I was alone and finally allowed myself to cry.

It hurt, it hurt so much everywhere.

*

Mom didn’t come back until the next day but I told her I didn’t want to see her. Not yet. Go away. I knew it was selfish and I was hurting her, but what she had said hurt more and I needed to think. I needed to make a decision that would break the heart of one of the two most important people in my life. Which one was it going to be?

*

Taehyung showed up about 1am. He poked his head through the door quietly, and his surprised little gasp made me look up from my phone. Seeing him there, with his shocked puppy face on, made me smile without meaning to. It brought back so many memories of earlier, happier days.

He straightened up and pushed the door all the way through slowly. I could see he was holding an enormous bouquet of flowers, which made me smile more.

“I thought you would sleep…” he said, walking towards me softly, and looking at me with the fondest expression. It made my heart melt. I didn’t even look at the flowers as he handed them to me, though they were beautiful. My eyes were locked onto his; they were much more beautiful to me.

We stared at each other for a moment, saying nothing. It might have been 5 minutes; it might have been one. There was no one to check time. Everything that needed to be said was there in that look: I love you. I missed you. I’m sorry. I can’t live without you.

“They’re pretty, right?” he said, finally, breaking the spell. He meant the flowers and I looked down at them and nodded, as I buried my head in them, which made him grin his rectangular smile, “You should ask nurse for a pot. You don’t want it to die.”

So we did that. I pushed the button and a nurse came, and she exclaimed that the flowers were so pretty, and after a quick Korean exchange, she came back with a vase and arranged them prettily on my night table before excusing herself.

“They’re from the rose garden. Remember I said I would take you there?” he said after she had gone, pulling me out my thoughts.

“Oh. Yes.” I turned and smiled at him, remembering.

“We can go after you’re better” he smiled at me, holding my hand in both of his.

“Taehyung-ah…” I started, looking down, away from his infectious smile. I knew immediately that it had vanished at the tone of my voice.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner” he said, worry tinting his words, “It’s crazy busy now. And I started shooting the drama, you know? I just come from that now,” he said, all in one breath.

I shook my head when he apologized, but then looked up when he mentioned the drama, curiosity getting the best of me. “Oh really?”

“Yes!” he nodded frantically, “Well no.” he went on and I made a confused face, “Not yet, but we’re working together and get special clothes and special hair… and we are learning to ride a horse and fight with swords… It’s really cool!” he exclaimed, his enthusiasm contagious and I smiled. “We saw the set today first time. It’s amazing!” his hand shot up in the air as he said that, momentarily let it go of mine, but grabbing right back on as he added, “When you’re better, I take you.”

“Looks like I’m gonna be busy when I’m better, with all the places you wanna take me to.” I teased.

He nodded frantically, missing the joke, and I looked down at our entangled fingers with a sad smile.

“Taetae…” I said once again.

“Yes?”

“When I get out of the hospital…”

“Yes?”

“I’m going back to Canada….”

…..

“What?!”

The raw pain in his voice hurt more than what I’d been prepared for.

“Emma…” it was just my name, just one word, but it was a plea, a desperate plea to reconsider as tried to catch my eye but I stubbornly kept looking down.

“I almost died, Tae.”

“I know…” he whispered back.

“I almost died,” I said again, “and our baby did because your fans hate me.”

“I… they… it’s not…. We…. I….” he stuttered but ultimately he couldn’t find the words because he knew that it was true. Finally, he just said my name again and I looked up.

My eyes were full of tears, and once again we looked at each other and that silent understanding passed through that stare: I love you more than anything in the world. And this hurts more than anything in the world. But we can’t be together. I won’t suffer like this anymore. I can’t, and you can’t protect me.

It was his turn to look away. His eyes were tearing up and he didn’t want me to see. He looked down at our hands that still held on so tightly to each other… I saw the tears stream down his cheeks quietly. My own face was a mess. I thought he would fight me. I was prepared to argue my cause. Not for this. Not for this quiet breaking of his heart.

He stood up very gently, finally letting go of my hand, and then gave me a little shove, pushing me towards the right side of the bed. “Move” he said, still not looking at me.

“Huh?”

“Move, you lazy potato,” he scolded me, “I wanna get in!”

Surprise momentarily stopped my tears as I gave in to his request. I scuttled away and he shrugged out of his shoes and jacket and climbed into bed with me. We barely fit. He put his arm around me and gently pulled my back into his chest, careful not to hurt my broken ribs, and nestled his face into the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply.

“Taehyung-ah…” I whispered my voice shaking.

“Sshhhhh…..” he whispered, “Just go to sleep….” he said to me.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying not to cry.

“Just go to sleep, my noona… Just let me hold you like this one last time…”