Chapter 44 – I Don’t Care

For several days I refused to acknowledge it. I went to buy 3 more tests, in 3 different stores, but they all said the same thing. I knew I should go to the doctor, but I kept avoiding that too. Plus where to go? The only Korean people I knew were my co-workers, and I DEFINITELY did not want to have this conversation with any of them, and of course, there was Eun-Jung, but she was way too close to Tae so I was worried she’d say something – accidentally or not. As for the concerned individual, it was good that he was really busy with the new album preparations, because I didn’t have to pretend very hard to avoid talking to him, but even his clueless head eventually noticed I was brushing him off.

[Noona, is something wrong?]

He texted one night, after I’d ignored his phone call. It was 1:02am. I could pretend I was asleep. But it was Saturday and I wasn’t working the next day. He’d know it was unlikely.

[No, nothing’s wrong. I was just walking home.] I lied.

[This late?]

[Yeah, I was hungry.]

[I went to the combini for a snack]

There was a pause and then the phone rang again. I knew I had to pick up but I let it ring just a tad too long, staring at it. Finally I hit the talk button.

“Noona, you are something wrong.” he said. It wasn’t even a question.

“What? No. why would anything be wrong?” I tried to sound normal.

There was a pause on the other end and I could imagine him pulling a suspicious face.

“I’m sorry I’m busy.” he said, apologetically, which was totally not what I had expected.

“You’re always busy, don’t be sorry” I said, thrown off balance for a bit, realizing only afterwards that it was probably not the nicest thing to say.

“And you’re mad at me.” he retorted, without missing a beat.

“Tae, I’m not mad at you.” I said, tiredly.

“But you don’t talk me.” he whined.

“I talk to you.”

“No, you don’t.” he sulked.

“Babe, trust me, I’m not mad at you.” I repeated, with more emphasis.

“I send mail you don’t read. I call, you not there.” he sounded, not angry, but cranky; accusatory.

“I’ve just….” I trailed off and sighed, “I dunno babe, I’m tired.” I said, feeling like giving up, “and it’s been really busy at work too…”

He paused, surely trying to figure out if this was some kind of trick.

“Tomorrow is White Day, you know?” he said suddenly, changing the subject. This was a very Taehyung thing to do.

“Aaaaahh…. I didn’t give you any chocolate on Valentine’s Day!” I suddenly remembered.

“I KNOW!” he snorted.

“You weren’t even there.” I reasoned.

“Pfffttt….”

“And you get so much from your fans and staff, you wouldn’t even notice mine.” I pointed out, trying not to sound jealous.

“Yours is the only that matters.” he said, sounding sad that I hadn’t given him any, and suddenly I felt sad too. “I don’t care others.”

I said nothing, feeling guilty, which I’m sure was the point.

“Well!” he went on cheerfully, “Tomorrow is White Day.” he said again.

“But I didn’t give you any choco…”

“And even you’re such a bad girlfriend,” he went on, on the same cheerful tone, totally ignoring me, “I did a surprise.”

“Eh?”

“After MV shoot finish, we got no schedule, so I come see you.” he announced, proudly. “I will be very handsome, so you dress pretty too. We go to date.”

“What?!” I exclaimed, “Like in public??”

“Don’t worry, I plan everything.” he replied, cockily.

“You have?!” I was shocked.

“I have.” he repeated, sounding pleased.

I was stunned and said nothing. I really was the tiest girlfriend.

“Tomorrow evening, we go on White Day date.”

*

He showed up in a suit.

Well actually, he showed up in dress pants, a white dress shirt with no tie, and his suit jacket tossed over his shoulder, looking into the distance, trying to look casually cool as I opened the door. Unfortunately, it worked. My jaw dropped; he looked so, freakin’ hot. I could see a small slice dark skin at his neck, collarbones peeking out, since the first two buttons of his shirt were undone, and I think I actually, audibly, gulped. I had made an effort too, but felt my plain little black dress and updo could not compete with this vision of attractiveness that stood in front of me. He turned, ever the actor, to look at me and smirk. I could’ve fainted right there.

“Heyyy,” he said, tilting his head to the side as I stood in the exact same spot, hand on the doorknob, just staring at him blankly.

“Are you ready?” he asked, his grin getting wider and I just stood there, staring at him.

And then I bolted. I ran back into my room, muttering – more to myself than him – “I can’t!!” trying not to start bawling.

“Emma, wtf?!?” exclaimed Taehyung, his cocky smile disappearing as he chased me inside the apartment.

He grabbed my wrist before I could reach my room, forcing me to stop, but not to turn around. “Emma seriously, what the ?!” he asked, dumbstruck.

“I can’t do this… I can’t go on this happy date, with this handsome boyfriend and pretend everything’s ok…” I said, my voice shaking with sobs.

“Emma….” he dropped my hand but I didn’t move.

“Emma,” he repeated, coming closer, hesitantly, “… are you breaking up with me?”

I blinked. And then I barked a laugh. A crazy person laugh.

“should I?” I asked, between laughter and tears.

He obviously didn’t think it was funny. Finally, he grabbed my wrist again and forcefully turned me around. I did so with little resistance. Looking up at him with the eyes of a slightly demented person. He was furious. And hurt. Terribly hurt. His eyes, I’d never seen them look like that; they bore into my soul and made me blurt it out.

“I’m pregnant.”

His expression changed immediately, but he kept on holding to my wrist; quite hard.

“Sorry.” I said in a mean voice, “maybe you don’t know that word. It means I have a baby in my tummy.” I said, like I was talking to a child. I don’t know why I was acting so cruelly. Maybe I thought he would leave me if I did.

First his jacket dropped to the floor. His mouth opened wide but no sound came out as he looked at me with enormous eyes; dumbstruck. Then the rest of his body followed. He fell to the floor with a thump, sitting on the floor with that same dumbstruck expression plastered on his face, looking at an invisible point in the distance.

“See?” I said, tears leaking out of my eyes, “I knew it…” my voice shook, “I knew it. I should’ve just…” I was sobbing so hard that it was hard to get the words out, “I should’ve… I’m gonna get rid of it….” I was full-on bawling now, “but I dunno… … I don’t even know a clinic here… I dunno where to go… I dunno what to do…. I…”

“No!” his head snapped up, startling me out of my tears. “No.” he repeated more firmly.

In an instant he was at my side, arms around me and pulling my head on his shoulder.

“Taaaaaeeeeeee” I cried into his shirt.

“It’s ok…. We’ll find a way…” he said, my hair.

He moved us to the couch without my really noticing. I cried for hours, with him just my hair like that and saying nothing. When I had no more tears left, the moon was high in the sky and we had missed our reservation. I was still clinging to his shirt; A soft silken thing that was probably worth more than my entire monthly salary. It was now stained with my mascara, and I refused to look up.

“You feel better now?” he asked, softly.

I shook my head sadly.

He gently placed a finger under my chin and lifted it up. “I won’t leave you.” he said, reading my mind. I clung to him harder. “Emma, we’ll figure it out.”

“The thing is…” I whimpered. “I kinda want this baby…” and then I had to stop again because the tears came back.

“Then we’ll have it.” he just said, like it was that simple.      

I scoffed. “Ha! How can we?!” I rolled my eyes through my tears “You just ing turned twenty?!”

“My mom was younger when she had me.” he replied, nonplussed.

“Yeah but you’re a guy! And you’re an idol! And you haven’t been to the military yet! And how’s ing BigHit gonna take it?!”

“Don’t say so many bad words…” he said, calmly, “One thing at the time.”

How could he be so calm? It was infuriating, really, I wanted to scream at him. To make him freak out too. To make him say “This is all your fault, get rid of it and I’m leaving you!” Like I expected him to. But instead he took my hand and it. Then he paused, looking down at our hands together as if he was thinking of something, and the took one of the rings he was wearing on his pinky with his left hand, and slipped it on mine. I looked up at him, wordlessly. He was looking back, quite fiercely. As if daring me to argue.

“You’re nuts.” I just said, barking a laugh.

He let out a small laugh too and pulled me into his chest. I went willingly. Drained.

“What do you think people will say?” I asked, in a weak voice.

“I don’t care.”

“Cradle-robber, cougar, gold-digger.”

“I don’t care.”

“He’s way too young to get married.”

“I don’t care.”

“She’s just a crazy fan, she tricked him somehow, she just wants his money, she…”

His voice interrupted me as he shook me back.

“Emma.”

I looked up at him, his face so serious. He was the adult and I was the child.

“I love you.”

But his words meant: “I don’t care. Marry me.”