Chapter 49 – Did I fall asleep?

I had a dream that Tae and I were getting married.

We were standing on a beach somewhere. I wore a flimsy white dress and he wore a white linen suit. We were both barefeet, our toes digging in the sand. My mom was there, smiling, holding a bouquet of flowers, and so were the Bangtan boys, on the other side, smiling and looking proud. There was no one else, not even a priest. Tae smiled down at me and I smiled at him. He wasn’t an idol, he wasn’t years younger than me, we were just a man and a woman in love and getting married. “Emma…” he whispered my name, my cheek, the sun made my face feel pleasantly warm. “Noona…” he called again, this time when I looked at him there were tears in his eyes. “Tae…” I whispered but found out that my voice was just a croak.

I woke up.

I saw Tae and smiled.

“Did I fall asleep?”

My voice was just a croak again, so only half of those words came out.

Tae was shouting my name and crying. Holding my hand so hard, it hurt.

“Oh my god, Emma…” he whispered, sitting back down but pulling the chair nearer to my bed. That was weird, there were no chairs in my room. He looked across from him, looking suddenly worried, then I felt a pull on my other arm and heard my mother’s voice calling my name. Was I still dreaming?

It was hard to turn my head so I could see to my left, like something was in the way. I still felt groggy and confused, and that feeling amplified when I saw my mother sitting there holding my hand, bawling like a baby (my mother didn’t cry. My mother was a rock, a business-woman, hard and no-nonsense) and whispering “Thank goodness, thank goodness…” over and over, like a mantra.

“I don’t understand…” I managed to mutter, turning back to Taehyung, since he was the only thing that made sense. This wasn’t my bed, this wasn’t my room, everything hurt, and why was my mom here? Was I still in Korea? Was I still dreaming?

“Noona… you got accident… you’re in hospital…” he said calmly to me… I could tell he was trying to look calm because he my hair very fast, like it was a nervous tick.

“Hospital?” I echoed, not understanding. Everything was a blur.

“Sweetie, you need to rest right now, we’re just so glad you’re ok…” my mom said, trying to sound calm, and again I was struck by how weird it was that she was here. “You go call a doctor” she ordered Taehyung, in a cold voice, totally at odds with the one she had just used on me.

Tae looked at her, hesitating and finally got up, pushing back his chair slowly. “I be right back” he said to me, smiling sweetly.

“No!” I cried, reaching for his finger with the little strength I had, “don’t go.” I begged

I did not see the look on my mother’s face, but Taetae looked pleased when she got up slowly and walked out of the room instead; but it was only for a moment. Then he turned his eyes towards me, and once again they were soft and gentle. He looked so calm and happy; kinda glowing, like in my dream.

“Taehyung-ah, I can’t remember….” I told him, “What happened?”

“You were in a really bad accident,” he said, without missing a beat, his voice soothing, comforting, “You’ve been sleeping for over a week. Everyone was so scared for you.” he my face in between every other word, as if unable to believe I was real.

“A week?” I repeated, sleepily, “That’s crazy!” I laughed, but it came out as a wheeze.

“Yes,” he nodded, smiling too wide, tears b in his eyes.

“Baby, why are you crying?” I asked, “I’m so sleepy…”

“I’m not crying… and you can go to sleep. I’ll stay here with you.”

“Really? You promise?” my eyes were drooping.

“I promise.”

*

When I woke up he was gone.

My mom was there again, alternatively crying, laughing, and yelling at me for making her go through hell, and it took a while before I could finally piece together what had happened. I really couldn’t remember at all. I remembered the week, before the accident very clearly. I remembered going to work, and that time Tae had come over with his red hair, but then it was like just a big blank, and it seemed like nobody was willing to fill it in. The most I got out of my doctor that I had fallen down the steps of my apartment and hurt myself very badly – which was why I currently couldn’t even get out of bed and everything hurt so bad.

Tae came to visit every day, whenever he could. The comeback was very soon but he made sure to come see me every day – or night. It didn’t really matter to me what time of the day it was since I was just sleeping all the time anyways.

His visits were the highlight of my day. Normally he was very secretive about everything comeback related, but this time he showed me all. Stills from the first MV, audio clips of the new songs, videos and selcas from their shoots, dance practice videos for the new single dance that looked EXTREMELY difficult. I couldn’t even walk back then, so it actually hurt my eyes to look at that dance. He laughed when I said that.

When he came in the middle of the night, my mom was usually absent, having gone back to her rented apartment for the night to sleep. But when he came during the day, she was usually there, either chatting to entertain me or reading quietly in a corner while I perused the internet on my phone. But whenever Tae would drop by, they would glare at each other silently for a minute or two and then she would leave, saying she was going for lunch or something, and leave us alone for an hour or so.

One day after he left, I asked her why she hated him so much, and she seemed surprised.

“I don’t hate him…” she muttered, adding grudgingly, “He’s a good boy... he’s just way too young for you…”

“He makes me happy, Ma.” I simply told her.

She scoffed and said nothing, returning her attention to her phone, and we just left it at that.

*

I was still unable to walk on my own and being carted away to every test appointment on a wheelchair, and on about 30 different pills a day, but at least, I was alive. At least, that’s what everyone kept telling me. After about a week or so, I started having “rehabilitation training”. Which meant one of the nurses would come and walk me around the block and bring me back to my room each day. This was actually excruciating, but after a few days it got a little better. When I could do the lap with minimal wheezing, my trainer decided to upgrade. She brought me to another floor and we walked around a mini park within the hospital grounds. It was a nice change and the first time I’d been outside in weeks. Winter was officially gone and spring was already here. It felt kinda strange, like I’d missed part of the seasonal process or something. And then after a few days, she decided that we weren’t taking the elevator back up, we were taking the stairs.

She brought me into the staff-only staircase and told me to go as slowly as I needed to. I looked at her, trying to hide the disdain in my eyes and sulked as I took the first step. It took me nearly 3 minutes to get to the middle level, and when I did I was panting. But as I stood there, hanging on the railing for support, looking down at the 15 or so steps I’d just climbed, my vision blurred and I was assailed by… something. Was it a memory? A vision? A lucid dream? I didn’t know at the time. All I knew was the terrified feeling that came over me.

“No!!! leave me alone!!” I shouted, scaring the orderly and backing away.

I heard Korean voices screaming in my head and put my hands on my ears, shouting “No, please, no!” over and over as I dropped to the floor… curling into a ball and crying.

*

“This is all your fault!!!” shouted a familiar voice, pulling me out of sleep.

“Why my fault?!” replied the other voice, outraged. This time I recognized Tae. I smiled in my sleep in my sleep. My baby was here.

“Yes! You’re just a kid! How could you protect her?!” and now I recognized mom. Angry mom.

“I – Emma – ” Tae paused mid-sentence, the first to notice that I was awake. My mom paused amid her tirade too, turning and at least having the decency to look ashamed of having shouted.

“Oh, thank goodness…” I heard her breathe a sigh of relief, rushing to my side. Tae stayed where he was, looking at me with pitiful eyes.

“Don’t fight…” I said tiredly, looking at him first, and then at her pointedly.

She pursed her lips and then, swallowing the words she was gonna say, reluctantly muttered “I was just worried about you. You fainted down –

“The stairs. I know. I remember.” I butted-in.

“Ok well, just take it easy now, maybe that was too much for today…” she started.

“No Ma. I Remember.” I said, pointedly.

I saw a shiver visibly run through her, and then she sat down, after muttering “Oh.”

“Your memory is back?”

This time it was Tae. He walked the few steps that separated us and took my hand.

“Yes.” I didn’t know how I felt after this realization. There were tears in my eyes when I met his, which soon started tearing up as well.

“What…” he stuttered. He knew, but he didn’t wanna know. Not from me. “What happened?”

I took a deep breath.

“I was leaving home… I was going to meet Eun-Jung for… oh god! The baby?!!” I interrupted myself but he shook his head, motioning for me to go on. I looked at him suspiciously; scared.

“I was ‘disguised’ like you said, but they knew where I lived. They were waiting for me.” I paused, taking another breath. Remembering was as painful as going up those stairs. “4 Korean girls. Young. ARMY.” I looked up at him and saw him press his lips together as his eyes leaked silently. “They… they told me to leave you… they said bad things to me and shoved me around a bit. I tried to run away but they caught up.” My voice was shaking, “They were… they were beating me for being with you,” at this point my tears were flowing freely, and so were his, “and I was, I was afraid for the baby, so I told them I was pregnant. They got shocked and stopped.” I paused to breathed. He looked at me again. “but then… one of them… she went crazy. She ran at me and pushed me down the stairs. I fell the whole flight down… I… I don’t remember after…”

I don’t know when but at some point while I was reliving the ugly memory, my mom and Tae had switched places. She was now sitting holding my hand, muttering, “My poor child…” eyes tearing up, while Tae stood in a corner of the room, back away from me but obviously sobbing.

“Taehyung…” I whispered, calling to him in the corner, “tell me…” I pleaded.

He bent his head down, back still away from me, refusing to answer.

“Taehyung-aaah…” I wailed, the anguish in my voice distinctly perceptible.

He opened his mouth and only sobs, and a little wail came out as he tried to speak and then shook his head. “it’s gone.”

I started wailing too and Tae, unable to bear it, dashed out of the room, though I could still him crying on the other side.

“Oh, honey….” said my mom, who obviously hadn’t known I was pregnant, voice full of empathy, “Emma…” she caressed my hand with her thumb but I shoved her away.

“Please go away.” I said, knowing I’d hurt her but I couldn’t bear it right then, “Please, just… I can’t… I… just let me… I need to be alone right now… for a bit… please?” I managed to utter, amidst great and smaller sobs. She seemed to understand and nodded, getting up slowly and sadly leaving the room.