Chapter 10 – It doesn’t matter

There. He’d said it. He’d dropped the bomb that I knew was coming.

I was so shocked when it came, but I’d known it was coming.

If I was honest with myself, I’d known Taehyung was in love with me for a long time; I had just chosen to ignore it. It was much better if it wasn’t true. Because what possible chance did we have? With us living in two different countries, and him being an idol, and me being nearly old enough to be his mom (not really, but still…) Of course, I knew it could never happen. So I had pushed down the feelings inside my heart, pushed them deep down… The giddiness I felt when he mailed that he missed me, the way my heart would lurch when he directed that pretty eye-smile in my direction, or when he’d call out, “Noooonaaaa” in that childishly annoying tone when he wanted my attention.

Of course.

Of course I liked him too. But it couldn’t be. We couldn’t be.

But in that moment, I was tired – and maybe still a little drunk – so I didn’t care.

My breath caught, hearing his words, and my eyes couldn’t look away from his as he stared, and my lips trembled, as he bent down and lowered his unto them.

He kissed me softly at first – like he was afraid I would break, or maybe run off (which was a much likelier outcome) – and then more firmly, lifting me up into his arms so that I’d be level with him. He pressed his large hand against the side of my head, bunching up my hair with his fingers in the process, and held onto my face for balance as he kissed me even more forcefully. All thoughts of fleeing left my brain for a moment as I lost myself into the kiss. How could he kiss me with such fire and passion when he was still such a baby? When he pulled back, finally, we were both panting and he held my face with both his hands, staring into my soul with eyes that were on fire. I desperately wanted him to kiss me again.

Instead, I burst into tears.

“Noona!” he exclaimed, his gaze switching from passionate to distraught, “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, trying to calm down and stop the irrational tears. I pushed him away, trying to get out of his grip so I could get up but he held on strong.

“Emma, what’s wrong?” he asked again, more sure of himself.

“We can’t… I can’t…” I mumbled, looking away from him.

“What you mean…” he asked. Taehyung the helpless puppy was back. “You don’t love me?” he added, his voice breaking like I was breaking his heart.

I averted my gaze “That’s not it, Taehyung-ah…” I said, pushing myself away from him, “You and me, it just can’t work…”

“Why not?” he asked defiantly, as a sulky child would.

“Do I need to list the reasons?” I barked a bitter laugh, “You’re a freakin’ idol.”

“So?”

“So? I don’t wanna get murdered once your fangirls find out I’m dating you.” I retorted flatly.

“Then we keep it secret.” he said, like it was matter-of-fact.

“Right…” I rolled my eyes.

“Idols date for secret all the time… it’s not big deal.” he told me.

I stared at him, unimpressed, but decided to let it slide, then I went on “We live in different countries.”

“We go to Japan a lot! And we can text, and Skype… we can do!!” he protested.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes to the heavens but went on with my last, and strongest argument.

“Taehyung I’m 10 years older than you.” I said, sadly, looking down.

He pulled my chin up, gently, with his fingers, forcing me to look at him and said defiantly, “I don’t care.”

I looked away again and said that I did. Then I extricated myself from his grasp and stood up. “You should go…” I said, not looking at him.

He stood up and I heard his voice answer sternly, “No.”

I raised my head up in surprise, though I still had my back to him.

“This is bullsh*t.” he added, in the same no-nonsense voice, and I was surprised by the harshness of his tone. He reached for my wrist and pulled me around towards him roughly. I stared up at him, trying to look strong, but I failed.

“You just say excuses.” he said in the same harsh tone, but then he softened and added, searching my face, “tell me you don’t you love me.”

“What..?” I exclaimed, in a small, surprised voice “Taehyung, this is crazy… we can’t…”

“TELL ME YOU DON’T LOVE ME!!” he shouted, startling me so much I took a few steps back.

When he opened his eyes, they were full of tears as he stared at me. He rushed over and held on to me, holding my head between his hands and staring into my face. I tried to look away but he was holding on too strong.

“If you say you don’t love me, I back off, but don’t say those BULL EXCUSES!” he shouted again, and I closed my eyes, as if to protect myself from his words.

“I can’t…” I whimpered. I was crying too now. “Taehyung, why don’t you understand…”

“I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand.” he protested, pulling me into his chest and I cried there, wanting to give up.

“You can’t even say it…” he moaned into my hair.

After what seemed like a million years, as he held on to me, I finally worked the muscles of my throat to reply: “It doesn’t matter, Tae…”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter if I love you…” I said, sadly, deflatedly.

He pulled me away, holding me at arms’ length by the shoulders and looked straight into my eyes, though I averted my gaze.

“Of course it matter.” he said to me.

“It doesn’t matter!!” I snapped, “It’s not gonna work!! Even if I say yes! Yes, Tae, let’s date! It’s not gonna work! The is too big! People will judge! And you’ll get bored of me eventually and I’ll be the one left with a broken heart!”

Before I knew it I was shouting, and he had pulled back a little, letting go of me to stare, as if he’d been stunned.

“It doesn’t matter if I love you!! And I do! But it doesn’t ing matter!!”

He stared at me in shock as I just stood there, crying helplessly, hiding my face in my hands. Then slowly, gently, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him.

“I’m just trying to save myself from hurting again… because it’ll hurt too much if you leave me…” I whimpered into his chest.

“I won’t leave, noona…” his tone was soft; comforting.

“You’re lying... They always leave me…”

“Just give me a chance…” he begged, his voice only above a whisper.

He pulled my chin up and I looked into his face and he was smiling. That goofy, adorable, Kim Taehyung smile. For a split second I thought ‘how dare you smile at me like this?’ and my tears stopped. He took my hands in his and brought them to his lips, placing a soft kiss on them. I looked down at my own hands and then back to him. He was still smiling.

“Just give me a chance, noona…” he said again, in a calm, soothing voice, “I’ll prove you wrong.”

And so I did the worst thing I ever could.

I gave in.