Gift for Ell-Akina

Gift from ???

Title of Gift: Let Go 

Pairing(s): Markson, 2Jae (side)

How Many Words: 4,864

Rating:

Warnings: one curse word, character death?
 

Note to my giftee: You said you don't like too many Korean words, but I  used "hyung" multiple times so I'm sorry for that :3

Let Go

 

Jackson sighed heavily as he pushed the door of his apartment open. He had had a long day, not because he had a job or anything but because being the third wheel of Jaebum and Youngjae's date was exhausting. Having to constantly look away when the two lovers would share kisses or whisper sweet nothings to each other not only made him feel awkward, but lonely. In all honesty it was his own fault for not rejecting Youngjae's offer to hang out, but he still blamed the kid because he was adorable and what sane person can say no to his face?

"Mark?" Jackson called out once he had realized that the said man had not come to him. He had been standing at the door for almost 15 seconds, so why hasn't his boyfriend come out to welcome him home yet?

When he got no reply he sighed again and ventured inside, taking notice that the lights were off in the whole entire apartment. He finally stopped in front of their shared room and quietly opened the door, just in case Mark was sleeping.

"Mark." he let out a relieved breath, one he didn't even realize he had been holding in. Mark sat on the edge of their bed, dressed in black sweatpants and a gray wife beater, head bowed and fingers twirling around each other. He slowly looked up when he heard Jackson say his name and instantly a small smile adorned his lips.

"Hey." Mark whispered, getting up from the bed and walking over to the latter. His movements were slow and he walked with a limp, but Jackson saw none of that and instinctively wrapped Mark into a tight hug, heart rate accelerating by the mere touch of his smooth skin. Jackson pulled away slightly and planted a gentle kiss on his boyfriend's lips.

The two pulled away from each other completely, Mark crawling into bed and Jackson walking over to the conjoined bathroom.

"I'm sorry babe, were you bored today without me?" the latter called out as he brushed his teeth. Mark shook his head slightly and said nothing else afterwards. He waited patiently for his boyfriend to finish his nightly routine.

To anyone else, the silence of their partner would've been a bother. But Jackson had learned to cope with Mark's lack of words, plus he found it to be such a dominant personality trait. He secretly loved that Mark was quiet, as it allowed him to talk more and be as opinionated as he wanted to.

When Jackson changed into his pajamas, he slipped into bed besides his boyfriend, who instantly scooted closer to cuddle him. Mark rested his head on Jackson's chest and let out an inaudible sigh when the latter cradled his head as if it were a precious family hierloom.

"I love you." Mark whispered in a broken voice.

"I love you too." the younger whispered back. A blanket of silence fell over them before Mark spoke again.

"Let go."

Confused, Jackson looked down, but was blocked by the top of Mark's blonde head. "Let what go? What are you talking about, Mark?"

"Please." the elder sobbed. Jackson's heart immediately stung when he felt Mark's body start to shake. All he could do was tighten his hold.

 

The ground was red.

His sneakers were red.

People were surrounding him, talking to him, crying to him, shouting to him. But all he could do was stare blankly at the ground, at the red.

At the cause of the red.

"M-Mark!" he finally cried out after the initial shock had passed. Jackson fell to his knees, frantically trying to figure out how to reach out to his boyfriend without hurting him. Mark slowly turned his head, eyes wide and filled to the brim with fear. The red dripped down from the large, open wound on his head and coated nearly half of his beautiful face. Jackson screamed and cried when he finally accepted that it was blood.

Blood was everywhere. Everything was a mess.

"Jackson..." Mark's voice called out to him. It was a mixture of broken and dull.

"You're going to be okay, okay?! I'm sure one of these people called the ambulance! HEY!" Jackson reassured.

"I'm scared." Mark whispered. Jackson thought he saw tears, but there was so much blood that he wasn't completely sure. He gently grabbed the elder's hand, but to his utter horror it was cold despite it being completely drenched.

"Mark? MARK?!"

 

Jackson sat straight up, aggressively wiping the sweat from his forehead and turning sharply to the space next to him.

It was empty.

"MARK?!" he shouted frantically, immediately throwing the covers off and scrambling out of bed. He ran to the door, threw it open, and scanned the living room. His feet naturally carried him to the kitchen. "You're safe!" Jackson almost cried at the sight of Mark sitting at their little dining table. The elder nodded and chuckled silently when Jackson back hugged him despite the chair. "I had a nightmare." the latter whined.

"Oh?" Mark replied.

"Yeah. You had died in a car accident while we were visiting your family in Los Angeles." Jackson laughed slightly at his insane dream. Mark, however, tensed and bowed his head. Jackson took no notice at his boyfriend's change and pulled away to stretch.

"Why are you out of bed so early?" he asked.

"It's eleven." was the elder's simple reply. Jackson nodded and walked over to the fridge, opening it and examining the contents inside.

"Do you want breakfast since I'm up?"

Mark shook his head, then vocally rejected when he realized that Jackson's back was to him.

“Teeth?” he quietly asked. Jackson turned around to give him a confused look before smiling.

“Oh, brush my teeth? No I don’t feel like it.”

Mark made a face of disgust, but it went unnoticed by the latter as he was too busy humming along to a tune in his head and preparing the stove.

"Hey, by the way, I invited the guys over today at noon. I guess it's good I got that nightmare since I would've slept through them ringing the doorbell." Jackson laughed as he started cracking eggs.

"The guys?" Mark asked.

"You know, the guys? Jaebum, Junior, Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom?" Jackson turned and cast a weird glance at his boyfriend, who just blankly stared at him.

"Why?" was the elder's only response.

"What do you mean, why? They're our friends. Plus, you haven't hung out with them since we came back to Korea. How long ago was that...three months?"

The elder nodded that it had indeed been three months since their return to Korea from Los Angeles. "I've been busy."

"Yes, with school, I know. I have half a mind to go to down and demand they give you a break." Jackson jokingly teased before turning his attention back to making food. Once he was done with his eggs he toasted some bread and sat down at the table across from Mark. "Are you sure you don't want some babe?"

Mark shook his head and just silently watched Jackson eat. Every now and then the latter would initiate conversation, but other than that it was silent except for Jackson's chewing. To Jackson nothing was wrong, but to Mark the whole thing was uncomfortable. He didn't want the guys coming over, he didn't want to be sitting at the table, he didn't even want to be there with Jackson. He just wanted to rest.

Obnoxious ringing of their doorbell made both males snap their heads towards the door. Mark stayed planted in his seat while Jackson screamed out "COMING" and scrambled towards the door while simultaneously finishing his breakfast. He stuffed the remaining slice of toast into his mouth and placed the plate on the coffee table before rubbing his mouth and finally opening the door.

"Hyung!" he was greeted by five men, but Bambam was the one that pulled him into a hug. He grinned and hugged the smaller boy back.

"You guys are early?" Jackson questioned, switching to Korean for the natives.

"We had nothing to do at home." Youngjae said, referring to him and Jaebum.

"The kids wanted to come early." Junior shrugged, followed by enthusiastic nods from Bambam and Yugyeom. Jackson nodded and parted away from the door for his friends, who all shuffled in immediately. Jackson shut the door and grabbed his dirty plate from the coffee table and headed to the kitchen.

"Mark?" He did a 360 around the small kitchen just to make sure his boyfriend wasn't hiding anywhere, but to his disappoint the said man had disappeared. Jackson placed the plate in the sink and made his way to their room, throwing the door open and expecting Mark to be sitting on their bed. His eyebrows furrowed; he was stumped, but then saw the bathroom door closed and figured that Mark had business to attend to.

"Hyung, where are you?!" Yugyeom called from the living room. Jackson smiled and rolled his eyes.

"I'm coming kid!" he called back. He backed away from the door and walked over to the living room, plopping down right next to Jaebum, who grunted and scooted closer to his boyfriend to make room for Jackson.

"Can we watch a horror movie?" Junior asked. He was already perched in front of the DVD cabinet, filing through the sorted movies as he asked.

"No! I'll get scared and scream!" Youngjae immediately protested. He sunk into the cushions and hid behind Jaebum.

"Don't be a baby, hyung!" Bambam playfully rolled his eyes and immediately got hit by Jaebum.

"I don't know..." Jackson hesitantly spoke, eyes darting to his room. Mark didn't really like scary movies, as he hated jump scares. Jackson worried that the elder might get nightmares and end up getting insomnia again.

"What are you looking at?" Yugyeom asked, turning his whole body in the direction of Jackson's head. Mark walked by and disappeared down the hallway.

"Babe! Why don't you come hang out with us?" Jackson shouted.

"Babe?" Junior, forever being the worrywart that he was, immediately sensed that something was wrong. He tore his attention from the movies and walked over to Jackson, grabbing the elder by his shoulders and turning him around. Jackson gave him a confused look but Junior disregarded it. "Did you just say babe?"

Jackson nodded slowly. "Did I do something wrong...? Am I not allowed to call my boyfriend babe?" he asked, getting more and more confused as five pairs of eyes widened.

"B-Boyfriend?" Bambam asked in disbelief.

"Jackson..." Jaebum whispered. Jackson looked around at each of the guys, not understanding why everyone was so shocked that he was in a relationship. They were the ones that set him up with Mark in the first place!

"Why are you guys so surprised? You all know Mark and I are dating."

"Did you just say Mark?" Junior once again grabbed his attention.

"B-But we agreed never to speak about him!" Youngjae shouted in panic, clenching Jaebum's hand for dear life because he was freaking out. Jackson's eyebrows furrowed in ignorance; what was going on? He pulled Junior's hands off of him and stood up to get a better view of all his friends; all of them had the same horrified and confused look on their faces.

"Why wouldn't we speak about him? What's going on? Did he do something that I don't know about?"

"Hyung are you okay?!" Youngjae shouted eagerly.

"Mark! They're being weird!" Jackson had finally had enough of the tension in the room and walked off in search of his boyfriend. He turned the corner and walked down the hallway, opening the door to the spare bedroom that was used as a closet. Mark wasn't in there, so he tried to the laundry room, but that was also empty. "Babe where are you? Don't leave me alone with these freaks!"

"Jackson please-" Jaebum tried calling out to his friend, but Jackson cut him off by saying Mark's name. The five men shared worried glances but said nothing else, they just watched Jackson silently.

With two empty rooms down, Jackson was sure that Mark was either in their bedroom or bathroom. But when he walked into their room and Mark wasn't there, he zeroed in on the bathroom. "There you-"

The bathroom was also empty. Stumped, Jackson just stared at the toilet, deep in thought. Their apartment was small, and they had minimal things, so hiding wasn't an option. The only window they had was the big one in the living room. So where was Mark?

"Guys, have you seen Mark? I swear I saw him heading towards the closet!" Jackson came out into the living room, stopping just behind the couch and scratching the back of his neck.

"I'm scared." Yugyeom whispered, scooting closer to Bambam.

Jaebum, being the oldest of the six, stood up and walked over to Jackson. He really didn't want to be the one to say anything, but seeing as the other four were so scared they were all hugging each other, he saw no choice but to take it upon himself.

"Jackson..." Jaebum hesitantly started. The latter immediately turned to him. "About Mark..."

Jackson's eyes immediately lit up at the mention of his boyfriend's name. "You've seen him?"

"I think you should sit down." Jaebum suggested. He led Jackson over to the couch, motioning him to sit. The youngest four moved to sit down on the floor, at the feet of the two oldest men.

"Why are we sitting down?" Jackson asked, confused all over again.

"Hyung please." Youngjae reached out towards Jackson, but retracted his arm and instead leaned on Junior for support.

"We need to find Mark! My boyfriend's missing and you guys are so calm about it!" Jackson exclaimed, starting to get frustrated.

"Mark's dead!" Jaebum blurted, then immediately slapped both palms over his mouth. His eyes grew wide at the words that spontaneously decided to escape. Jackson’s eyebrows furrowed into a glare before he burst out laughing, startling everyone.

“Mark’s dead? Is this what it is? I fell for it, that was a pretty great prank!” he playfully shoved Jaebum’s shoulder while continuing his genuine laughter, completely unaware of the five pairs of worried eyes boring into him. “Did you guys plan this with him or something? Where is he hiding?” Jackson attempted to stand up again but Jaebum pulled him back down.

“Jackson, Mark died four months ago in a car accident.” The elder quietly stated, his grip on Jackson’s shoulder tightening slightly.

Jackson scoffed and looked down at the younger four, shocked to see all their eyes watering. Youngjae was shaking so violently that Bambam and Junior had to pat his back to calm him.

Suddenly Jackson wasn’t so sure about anything anymore.

“But…but four months ago we were in-“ he couldn’t finish the sentence; the dream he had from last night came flooding back to him, drowning him. “-Los Angeles.”

It wasn’t a dream.

It was a memory. A memory of the day Mark died right in front of him.

“His dad called us to come and get you since you were in grief.” Junior stated.

“You refused to come with us and threatened to fight us.” Yugyeom chipped in. Jackson shook his head in disbelief at that statement, he could never fight his younger brothers, not with the intent to harm anyways.

“You wanted to stay close to Mark so you sat by his grave for days.” Youngjae found the words to speak.

“It took us a month to get you back. The only reason you agreed was to be close to his stuff.” Bambam added.

“But then you were fine. You weren’t crying or breaking things anymore. We never asked why because we were scared bringing Mark up would trigger a relapse.” Jaebum finished. By the end of the story Jackson’s face was soaked with tears. He didn’t want to believe them, in fact he desperately tried to tune them out.

Mark appeared from the kitchen, coming towards them and standing behind Jaebum. Jackson glanced up at him, heart shattering when he saw the depression in his eyes.

“M-Mark.” Jackson whispered, scrambling to a stand and making his way over to Mark. The said man smiled sadly at him.

“Let go, Jackson.” was all he said before turning and walking to their bedroom. Jackson had every intention to follow him, but he was stopped by Junior pulling him backwards.

“You’re hallucinating, hyung.” Junior sternly stated.

“No! Mark was here! He has always been here! Just last night we cuddled!” Jackson retaliated, yanking himself away from Junior. “How are you guys going to tell me Mark died when he was standing right here a few seconds ago?!”

“He wasn’t here. No one saw him but you.” Jaebum spoke. Jackson glanced around at all his friends, each one of them avoiding his gaze.

Jackson wiped his eyes and pointed at the door. “Get out! All of you get out of my sight!” he shouted.

“But hyung-“ Bambam attempted to argue but Jackson sent an icy glare his way. Defeated, the five men slowly made their way towards the door.

“Please don’t do anything to hurt yourself, Jackson.” Jaebum pleaded. Jackson scoffed and slammed the door. He took a moment to take a breather before marching into the bedroom. The scene was familiar to him; Mark was sitting on the edge of the bed, playing with his fingers while his head was bowed. When Mark looked up and smiled at him, Jackson felt relieved. There was no way someone so beautiful would be dead.

“Hey.” Mark stood up but Jackson practically flung himself onto him. He let his hands roam Mark’s body just to make sure he was real, he nuzzled his face into the crook of Mark’s neck for comfort.

Something was terribly wrong, Jackson realized when Mark returned his hug. Mark didn’t have a scent. He didn’t smell like the sweet cologne his father gave him.

“No. No!” Jackson let out a small sob and held on tighter, squeezing Mark.

The Mark he knew would usually either beg for air or let out that ridiculous high pitched laughter of his.

“I’m sorry.” Mark mumbled. And within a second Mark was no longer trapped in his embrace, instead he was standing a few feet away, head bowed, blonde fringe covering his eyes. Jackson’s eyes bugged and he looked down at his arms, mind reeling to understand what just happened.

“Mark…” he called brokenly, reaching out to his boyfriend. At the sound of his name Mark looked up, eyes filled the same depression from earlier. Jackson cringed and retracted his arm.

“I’m dead, Jackson.” the elder whispered. Jackson shook his head aggressively.

“But you’re standing right in front of me!” he shouted.

“No, my spirit is.”

“Quit playing ing games with me. You’re telling me you’re a ghost?!” He would laugh if the situation weren’t so angsty.

The elder silently sighed. He took a few steps towards Jackson, then reached out and cupped one of his cheeks.

Jackson felt no warmth.

“You stepped in my blood. You saw me die.” he softly whispered. Jackson grabbed the hand that was on his cheek and held on to it tightly for support. “You had a nightmare about it last night.”

“No, no you didn’t die. I don’t remember a thing!” he denied.

“My soul is trapped here because of you, Jackson.”

“What do you mean, because of me?” the latter looked up, then immediately looked down when he couldn’t handle the enormous amount of sadness Mark’s eyes held.

“When I died, my soul left my body, but I lingered for a few seconds because I missed you. But when I saw how sad you were, I stayed by your side. I had intended to leave when you left for Korea, but you refused to accept my death and that is why I’m still here. I thought that if I eased you into it, you wouldn’t be as hurt. Jaebum beat me to it.”

It seemed that all Jackson was capable of doing today was shaking his head. “You’re right, I don’t accept it. I won’t ever accept it. Can’t you just stay here with me?” he nuzzled deeper into Mark’s palm. Mark’s fingers curled slightly when he felt the tears slide down Jackson’s cheeks.

“I don’t belong here, baby. I can’t keep causing you pain; I love you too much for that.” Mark pulled Jackson into a hug, one that the latter gladly accepted. “It’s been three months. The longer I stay the more hurt you get.”

“I won’t get hurt. I’m safest when you’re with me.” Jackson mumbled pleadingly.

Mark pulled away slightly. He gently grabbed Jackson’s chin and angled his face upwards. Even after death Mark felt the pain that came with seeing the love of your life cry. He smiled, hoping that that would cheer Jackson up a bit. The tears that started to fall immediately after was not what he was intended to happen.

“We were going to fly back to Los Angeles one day and get married. We were going to buy an apartment next to a big house where the others were going to stay so we were never too far from them. You promised we would spend every night cuddling and every morning we’d cook breakfast together. You promised me a future together, Mark. Why are you trying to back out on your promises?”

“It’s hard to give you everything when I’ve got less than nothing.” Mark’s reply completely broke Jackson, as if he weren’t in pieces already. The elder watched sadly as Jackson crumbled onto his knees; he could do nothing but watch and sit beside him.

“Your pain and suffering…it’ll all stop the moment you let me go.” Mark whispered.

“I can’t- I can’t! I don’t want to! Stop telling me to let go!” Jackson cried out, covering his ears with his hands. “I love you! I love you, Mark!”

“Jackson.” Mark wanted to cry, he wanted so desperately to cry along with Jackson and relieve him of the pain he was feeling. “I love you too.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

“I’ll always be watching over you, baby.” At the familiar term of endearment Jackson let out a particular loud, strangled sob. “I’ll be waiting for you. When it’s your time I promise I’ll be there and we can start a new future together.”

“No I don’t want that promise!” Jackson shook his head. He grabbed Mark’s face and kissed him, pouring all the love and desperation he could manage into the few short seconds their lips were connected.

“You need to stop hurting yourself. For the both of us.” Mark whispered pleadingly when Jackson finally pulled away. He rested his forehead on top of the latter’s, knowing very well that he could feel Jackson’s warmth but Jackson couldn’t feel his.

It was silent for a while with the exception of Jackson’s whimpering. Mark had pulled the latter into his lap, letting Jackson head resting on his shoulder, their fingers laced together and resting on Jackson’s thigh. They dared not to move, trying to savor what time they had left.

“Remember the first time we met?” Mark suddenly asked. Jackson nodded. “Jaebum introduced us, and you told him that I was ugly.”

The latter let out a snort to cover his laughter. “Your haircut back then was really ugly.” Jackson mumbled in defense.

“I started to like you right then and there. Even though you insulted me.” Mark chuckled lightly. Jackson’s heart ached at the familiar sound of Mark’s laughter.

“I love you, Mark. I love you so much it scares me.” The latter admitted. “When Jaebum first introduced us I didn’t think you’d mean this much to me.”

“Sorry.” Mark grinned, a lame attempt at lightening the mood. Jackson chuckled dryly and playfully smacked Mark’s chest. “I love you too, Jackson. I’ll always love you.”

Even in death I love you.

Jackson let out a shaky breath. He glanced sadly at their laced fingers and then up at Mark’s face. They both studied each other’s faces, memorizing every single wrinkle and pore. “I’ll miss you, Mark.” Jackson finally whispered, feeling his eyes start to water again. Mark smiled sadly and pressed a loving kiss on the latter’s forehead, letting his lips lingers after for a few seconds.

“I’ll always be with you, you just won’t be able to see me.” Mark reassured.

“I’m scared.” Jackson admitted. The elder understood what Jackson meant and nodded. He stood up, pulling Jackson to a stand also. Fingers still laced, he led Jackson out of the bedroom and into the living room.

“When I’m gone, promise not to cry over me too much. I hate when you cry.” Jackson bit his bottom lip and nodded. “And remember that I love you.”

“I love you too.” Jackson’s hoarse voice was hidden beneath a sob that he couldn’t hold in. How could he not cry when Mark was dying in front of him all over again?

“Come here, baby.” Mark pulled Jackson closer to him, capturing his lips in a kiss. Jackson shut his eyes as tears started to cascade down his cheeks.

Mark Tuan died in a car accident four months ago. I stepped in his blood and watched him die. Mark is dead but he promised that he’ll always be with me…and with that promise I can accept his death.

“Jackson?” Jaebum hesitantly asked, poking his head in through the door. His brows furrowed in confusion at the man that stood in the living room with his eyes closed. Jackson’s eyes snapped open, widening at the sight of his five friends.

“Hyung…” Jackson mumbled. He blinked a few times to clear away the tears before looking around the room. Without prior warning he flung himself at Jaebum, hugging the older with all his strength, causing him to gasp but nevertheless return the hug. Jackson glanced back at the four younger men, holding out his arms so he could embrace them as well. “I’m sorry for screaming at you guys!”

“So you’re okay now?” Youngjae asked while affectionately patting Jackson’s hand. The said elder pulled away and nodded. He beckoned for his friends to come in and sit down, making sure they were all settled and comfortable before speaking.

“You guys were right, I was hallucinating. For a long time I couldn’t, wouldn’t, accept that Mark…died. I was in denial.” Jackson felt the tears starting to spring again, but he held it down.

Mark appeared behind the couch, for once smiling so brightly that Jackson couldn’t help but genuinely smile back. “But after realizing that I’m not completely alone, I was able to move on.” Mark gave him a shy thumbs up. “Mark can finally rest in peace without having to worry about me. I’ll miss him, I’ll always miss him, but he loves me enough to wait for me.” Mark wiped at the invisible tear in his eyes, causing Jackson’s smile to widen. He knew he was making Mark proud. The said elder formed a heart and threw it at his significant other before fading away with a smile on his beautiful face.

And Jackson was completely okay. Sure, there was a small ache in his chest, but he didn’t feel the need to crawl under the blanket and cry for eternity.

“That was beautiful, hyung!” Bambam applauded, fake sobbing onto the maknae.

“I’m glad you’re okay hyung.” Yugyeom smiled.

“But what made you change your mind?” Junior asked.

Jackson chuckled and shrugged. He looked at the spot where Mark had stood a few seconds prior. “Mark changed my mind.” The five guys shared a strange look, but silently decided not to push the subject further.

 

“Go to bed, Jackson, you’ve had a long day.” Jaebum yawned and nudged the younger with his free arm towards his bedroom.

“I’d rather not be alone.” Jackson reluctantly admitted. Jaebum smiled softly and nodded before resting his head on top of Youngjae’s and falling asleep.

Jackson felt jealousy towards the couple for a second, but shook his head to rid the feeling. Mark wouldn’t want him to harbor ill feelings towards the two lovebirds.

He stood up and stretched, deciding to get a bottle of water from the kitchen. He looked around the living room, heart filling to the brim with affection at the sight of his sleeping friends sprawled all over the place.

Bambam was on the floor, curled around one of the body pillows. Junior was draped across the loveseat, legs hanging off one arm and head resting against the opposite. Yugyeom was flat on his back on the floor, mouth wide open but no sounds came out. Jaebum and Youngjae were cuddling on the couch, holding on to each other so tightly it seemed they were glued together.

A smile tugged on the corners of Jackson’s lips. The picture would never be complete without Mark, but he would learn to cope with that. After all, with such great friends by his side, the void in his heart would always be filled.