"My little Jihye is all grown up!" Hyerin cooed. I threw my shoe at her.

"I said I think. THINK." I yelled angrily. 

"I don't care~" She clasped her hands and gazed off into the distance. "You have finally admitted your undying love for Jungkook!"

I picked up my other shoe and aimed it at her. "I'm not going to miss this time."

She laughed and rolled on her back. I was staying the night at her house, and I had accidentally told her how I really felt about him. Why was I so stupid? 

I curled up against the wall, bringing my knees up to my chest. I rested my forehead against the cool plaster and sighed. You can't assume things based on a moment, right? That feeling had lasted a few seconds. It wasn't love. It couldn't be love. I was barely an adult, how could I know what love felt like? My brain was playing tricks on me.

"Why are you getting so worked up over this?" She asked me, punching my back. 

"I don't know." I mumbled.

"You could tell him how you feel." She suggested. I curled up even further, wrapping my hands around myself.

"He doesn't feel the same way." I said, running my fingers along my arms. 

"I'm not falling for the lame excuse until he literally tells you he doesn't feel the same way." She slapped my shoulder. 

"I don't want him to know." I closed my eyes.

"Why?"

I got up and turned around to look at her. "I'm not discussing this with you now."

She began to argue, but I shut her off. "I'm serious, Hyerin. Don't ask me questions on this subject unless I ask you to. That's it."

She pursed her lips together and nodded, before launching off into a rant about Junghyun's bad handwriting and how it ruined the emotional appeal in the letters.

I was sitting on Hyerin's windowsill, too distraught to fall asleep. The dense, humid air blew through the trees and grass, disturbing the quiet nature of the night. Was Jungkook awake right now? I looked at my phone. It was four in the morning, so he was probably sleeping peacefully. I smiled as I thought about the time he had fallen asleep holding my hand. His bangs covered his eyes when he slept, and his mouth hung open. He had a habit of sniffling every few minutes or so, which coupled with his adorable teeth made him look like a bunny rabbit. He had held my hand firmly, resting his chubby little cheeks against it. He frowned and mumbled incoherent words occasionally, but settled down if I started to hum.

I didn't like to focus on his body or looks. Sure, they were nice, but I liked his little quirks even more. Like how his eyes and nose crinkled up when he laughed or smiled, how he bit his lip when he was concentrating on something. He didn't fuss over his appearance or make an effort to look good. I loved it when his dark eyes lit up if he was being mischievous or playful. I didn't mind if he didn't address me respectfully, as he did to others in the class. It made me feel special, like I was one of a kind. I loved how free he was, how little he cared about what other people thought of him. I loved how dedicated and passionate he was about singing.

All these things made him perfect, but also pushed him farther out of my reach. I didn't have low self-esteem, but around him, I always felt insecure. I wondered why he even bothered talking to me, or even saying hi. I mean, how could someone with that much talent and promise want to associate with an uptight and boring person like me? I was scared. I was scared that if I told him what I felt, he would mock me for liking him. Our friendship felt safe, because it was mutual. I wasn't willing to risk it. Besides, he deserved someone better. Someone who could sing and cook for him, someone with pretty hair and pretty legs. Someone who could eat lots of food and be fat with him. Someone who loved to swim, so they could splash around and play in the water. Someone who was the exact opposite of me.

It didn't matter that he had showed up at my house at night to whisk me away to the park. It didn't matter that he had sung to me over the phone, lulling me to sleep. It didn't matter that he hand interlaced his fingers with mine and stood in the ocean with me, just so I could get over my fear. It didn't matter that I had fallen in love with him. Because in the end, I could never be good enough for him.