Thought # 19.

"Trust is difficult at times.

We are afraid of getting hurt if things don't end well or someone fails us.

But life is about taking risks...

if we don't take any risk we will never know what we could find to the other side of the bridge."

[The whole street was covered with snow; Green leaves in front of me disappeared, lawn was covered completely, snowmen that were built in every house in the neighborhood. I looked at the sky through my white eyelashes; gently swaying like a couple dancing a ballad, snowflakes fell covering all area. The empty streets gave me a sense of calm, and out here i could only heard the sound of my own breathing.

Love is coming to me

It leads me toward you

It feels like a dream

That I’ll never want to wake up from

I turned around and watched the front door of the house slightly open while that voice continued to sing. It heard like an echo from a distant place.

But why are tears forming

In my eyes?

As a guide, I walked to the house with my ugg boots getting the snow up on my way. Gently, I pushed the door and the white light of the day gave life to this forgotten place. There was a stair in the middle dividing the first floor, a living room with brown sofas on the left side, and a fireplace against the wall. His voice took me to the stairs. Bare walls without any pictures hanging. The voice took me to the last room down the hall. There was a light coming from there, and i touched the door with my fingers.

I remember the day we first met

You come to me on a dazzling and bright day

Thank you so much

For coming to me

I pushed the door, and i looked with surprise to the person in front of me.

No Jinki.

Jeremy.

He was laughing as I watched the room with confusion; poster of his favorite bands on the wall, his guitar was beside his bed and on the wall against his desk were photos that in a past life we take. Smiles, hugs.

My brother was the same; brown hair, kind of long, and always remained high in the front. He had bright and cheerful eyes, always. My gaze returned to his eyes after realizing i was in a house that had never seen. It was his room inside a house i have never seen.

"Your Camera... Can I borrow it or you will make me beg?"

I looked at him with confusion.

"What?"

Jeremy dropped his shoulders and his body fell against his desk chair.

"Julie... Can I borrow your camera, please?"

Suddenly, he broke into a smile that i had not seen in so long.

I laughed, still astonished.

"Yeah. Sure."

Jeremy stood up, and when he was in front of me, he held me in his arms, and after giving me a loud, exaggerated kiss on my cheek that made me laugh, he hid his face in my hair.

"Don't feel sad, Julie. I will come back for you."

And the scene disappeared.]

The clock on the nightstand beside the bed marked 4:40 am in the shadows. 15 minutes had passed since I woke up and I was still sitting on the bed, hugging my knees and under the darkness of the room. There was a battle inside me; i didn't know if i had to be sad or happy. Anyway, this wasn't the first, and I was sure this won't be the last either when my hopes were broken when I realized it was all just a dream. Broken dreams by my sad reality. But dream with him was better than nothing.

My body swayed from side to side, and all around seemed to move with it. I had drunk a lot, and I was sure that the number of bottles exceeded the line of too many. Now my head hurt, my head throbbed terribly, and I didn't remember clearly how i got here. My memories were divided as small pieces of puzzles. And on the other side of the bed, Jinki was sleeping. When my vision got used to the shadows in the room i left the bed quietly. I put my ugg boots that were on one side and i walked to the bathroom leaning on the walls. The tact was the only sense in which i could trust and it seemed to work well. I whimpered when i turn on the light and saw my reflection: I was a mess. There was no makeup, but my eyes hurt and my hair felt rebellious tonight. My stomach was a mess too and i had the feeling of nausea that rose from the bottom of it. I knelt against the toilet holding my elbows on the seat and grabbed my hair; the feeling was so bad that I would do anything to get rid of it.

I heard his footsteps and knew he would find me, but my legs were shaking too much to try to stand up.

"You won't drink ever again." Jinki knelt beside me and grabbed my hair.

I used my trembling hands to rub my face. The light irritated my eyes.

"Please go." I was about to do it, at any time. I was not ready to do it in front of him.

"You know I'm not going anywhere, angel." He laughed softly. "Do it if you have to. It's okay. You not need to be ashamed. Beside, we can take this as a practice. It will not be much different than when we have a baby."

I craned my right arm and hit him in the stomach. Jinki let out the air and laughed.

But nothing came out. Thank you.

My legs trembled when I try to get up, but with his help I managed to do it and i leaned against the counter trying to lighten my weight. All this was too much and I couldn't stand it. My lip trembled, I lowered my head and tears fell easily. It hurt more to fight them.

"Don't cry, angel." Jinki put his arms around me gently and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Shhh... please don't cry. You are safe here with me and everything will be fine."

It was too easy to cry since that night after I saw my mom. My emotions seem to be very sensitive, as if one touch could hurt them. At the same time, I wanted to cry until the slightest pain hidden in the depths of my body leaves me, for good this time.

"I have to go." I stammered, i put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. His eyes shone in concern. I looked away... but I could not walk. Each passing second my legs lost strength. I leaned into his arms, i put my forehead against his chest and laughed softly. "I am so tired. I can't even move."

"I know, but you don't have to go anywhere." He circled my waist with one arm, the other slid under my knees and he lifted me. "Let's go to sleep, angel."

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

Heavy eyelids, aching body and my mouth was dry and tasted like cardboard.

My eyes could see all around, but nothing seemed real. Jinki was deep asleep on his stomach after spending the whole night awake. But i needed to arrange things first. It was enough to go and return. It was time to choose a place and stay there forever without problems.

Gahul stood at the edge of the bed as he moved his tail. I knelt before him and kissed his little head.

"Mommy needs to go, baby." I whispered. "What I am going to do? I can't stand here and wait. I must find a way to work things out to live with you..." I chuckled. "And Daddy. Be good and stay."

Gahul went with Jinki again, and he lay there making himself a ball. But he never took his eyes off mine.

He was a smart dog.

The clock on the nightstand showed 5:45 am and i left the room in silence. I put my hand against the wall and walked away. Even I was surprised that I could walk though it was not perfect.

I stopped at the entrance and put on my converse leaning on the counter. If he wake up I was sure he would make me a prisoner in my own home. But i couldn't hide behind his back and wait for people to forget what happened... because there was a possibility that they will never forget.

"Where are you going, little mouse?"

I growled softly. I turned and watched Jong still in his pajamas. If Jinki didn't discovered me someone else would.

"If I tell you or not you will tell him anyway."

"I wasn't going to do that." He leaned back against the wall in front of me. "But tell me... what were you thinking? Where are you going? And the most important question... What do you think hyung would do when he found out you left without telling him?"

I sat at the counter and rested my head against the wall. I really felt tired.

"I thought to go Danny's home, I need to know how Sam is. And I guess... no, I'm sure Jinki would be angry, and then he would manage to find me. He always does. And I begin to believe that he put me a chip or something like that."

Jong chuckled.

"To my knowledge... Jinwoo would be returning in a few hours. And even if you say no, you will go to him. You really love him, don't you? You love him so much that you would blame yourself for what happened."

Jong understood.

"For my brother, my family, my friends, Jinki, or you all... I would do anything, Jong, please believe me."

He smiled.

"You want to go with them, with him? Okay then. I will take you there."

I felt my face lit up.

"Really?"

"Really. Wait here, I'll bring my car keys."

But i took his arm before he walked. He was one of his best friends. Why not think he was going to tell him I was leaving?

"If you really want to help me, I'll thank you for the rest of my life, Jonghyun. But if not, please don't do anything and just let me go."

"I want to help, Juliette. Please trust me." He took my hands in his and his look was more sincere than ever.

"Thank you, Jong. Thank you very much." I took his hands too. My body felt relieved because he was helping me and the situation now seemed easier to resolve. I had someone who was confident i could solve the problem. But then I heard him coming... and I knew I would get Jong into a big trouble, so I released his hands and frowned. He looked at me confused. "I told you i don't want to stay."

And just then Jinki appeared. Jong looked at him.

"Hyung, I---"

"You have no right to tell me to do, Kim Jonghyun." And hoped he would understand. He stared at me, and I saw in his eyes he was asking me what I was doing. "I don't want to talk to you, just go."

"Go back to your room, Jong."

Jong turned to me and smiled slightly and only for me. Thanks, Jong. Like the others, you become a brother to me. When Jong walked away, Jinki stopped in front of me. He didn't frown, and didn't seemed to be angry, he just stood there, staring at me.

"Why are you doing this, Juliette? Why do you keep running away from me?"

"I'm not trying to run away from you... and even I try, I don't succeed. But don't you see it? You understand; You were at my side every time something bad happened, but you don't want me to be to his side even though you know he needs me too."

He rested his hand against my cheek; i felt the warmth of his fingers through my skin and his eyes softened.

"To you; be with him means to bear all the blame... and i don't want anyone to hurt you."

"It's not the first time and I really don't care anymore. Like you, he also has taken care of me. I just need to do something nice for him. Friends take care of each other."

"Please, angel." He came to me and rested his forehead against mine. "Just for this once, do what I ask. We will solve this problem, but I need you to trust me."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Forget all. At this point no one but you and I exist in this world. Stop thinking about what will happen next. Now you're here with me."

"And I wish it was like this forever."

"It will be. When this is all over we will be together stronger than ever."

"And now?"

"Now you say you love me and we go back to the room. You need to rest and be stronger for whatever comes."

I rested my cheek against his shoulder. All this makes my mind a disaster again. I knew we could solve this problem, but i wished from the bottom of my heart to be fast and not to bring consequences in our lives. We all had a future waiting for us, and we should start it without any stone that prevented us the way.

"I love you, I really do."

"I love you too, angel. Let's go back to sleep."

Jinki took me by the waist and I held my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. As if i was a child, I needed him to hug me. I laughed wearily against his shoulder. Please make us stronger.

"My little baby." He said affectionately rubbing my back with one hand.

"Stop talking about babies. You're making me nervous."

"No!" He complained like a child. "Sooner or later we will have a baby. Perhaps a beautiful girl like you... or a beautiful boy like you."

"Don't be sad. You are beautiful." I chuckled, but he slapped my shamelessly. "Yah! How dare you?"

"We have to have a baby to know what he or she will look like."

We got to the room and Jinki left me gently on the bed. He stood over me leaning on his elbows. Gahul let small barks out of joy and lay stretched his two forelegs.

"Nothing to see here, Gahul. Close your eyes and go back to sleep." Jinki said. But Gahul barked again. "Aish... you are just as stubborn as your mother. And none of you do what I say."

Gahul started walking towards us crawling on his legs. I laughed and slide a finger across his lips. Every time he kissed me, everything around me disappeared. He smiled against my finger and pressed his lips gently against it. All ceased to exist for a moment and sometimes seemed to be infinite. I lay down on my bed side and Jinki did the same. The pillow felt good against my head and now i wanted to sleep for days, and it sank when Gahul lay in it and over my head.

"Be careful, Gahul. She was mine first."

"Really? You're fighting with our dog?"

"I will fight anyone who tries to take you away from me. Person or animal."

In the privacy of our room, life appeared to be easier. We could talk, we could laugh without thinking about the bad looks and the kisses we shared was just for us. But the world out there seemed to have become a war. Life became more complicated, but I remembered what my grandfather said; we should make the wild waves recede. Because I wanted to live again at his side.

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

Key left a cup of tea on the kitchen counter where I was sitting. He my hair affectionately, and i smiled embarrassed; maybe they already knew we made love in our room, but they didn't have to know it that way. He smiled and sat on the counter. I looked at the clock as i held Gahul: 10:30 am. My gaze returned to the puppy sleeping on my arm perfectly. I took the cup and blew before leaving the tea warm my throat. I let it back on the counter and looked at Jinki, who was sitting in a chair at the table, rolling his own cup as he watched me.

"Now?" I asked again. Minho had left early, leaving 3 members of the band that had a smile at what Jinki was doing. "You can't do that, Jinki. This is called kidnapping."

He shook his head; as if the idea was absurd.

"This is called; take back what's mine." He looked at me seriously, even when others snickered. "You're mine, but the most important: this is not a kidnapping because we are married."

I pursed my lips, hoping he would not notice how nervous I felt.

"Now?"

"You must stop asking, angel. I'm the one who decides when I let you go. And honestly, I am thinking on staying with you forever."

So he was trying to be funny. He couldn't change his mind just like that; he said we could go to see the girls, and now he had decided that we stay here.

"What are you? my owner?"

I didn't look away from his eyes, but I noticed that the others exchanged confused looks.

"Insist all what you want, angel. I'll wait for you to grow up a bit and talk about what really happened."

I exhaled sharply to release my own frustration.

"You are an idiot."

"Am I?!" He rose sharply, pushing his chair back. "Is that what you thought when you kissed with the one who believed could take what belongs to me?"

I pressed my lips, I knew what he was doing. One thing I learned is that you can't help but say what you feel when you're under pressure. He was provoked me, and the need to exploit began to rise from my stomach to the knot in my throat.

"I didn't kiss him, but didn't stop him either. How do I tell my best friend, one of the few people who helped me, that i don't love him in the way that he would like? Have you any idea of what he has done for me, or what it is to keep hurting people for something i didn't do on purpose?"

I dropped my shoulders when I calmed down, but when they just looked at me, i looked away as I realized i was talking about the accident.

"And was that so hard to say?" He moved to stand face to face. "What happens in that head of yours? I'm trying, angel, but you are who makes it difficult. You are stubborn to the bone, and my patience is running out."

We looek at each other until one of the members laughed; it was Jong. He was shaking his head as if he couldn't believe what he saw.

"You are perfect for each other. I don't think there is anyone on earth more perfect for you."

"What do you mean, Jong?" Key asked.

"Don't you see? Hyung was never stubborn, and then he met Juliette. And Juliette didn't trust, and then she married hyung. Both were incomplete until they met, and now they are something never believed to be, all thanks to the other. But now..." He put his elbows on the table and laced his fingers against his lips. "Let's focus on what really matters now; just keep doing it and give us a niece very soon."

And Key exploded in an exaggerated laugh. His exaggerated laugh. He was laughing so hard that he nearly fell over Tae.

"Or maybe a nephew." Taemin laughed.

And then all three started saying how amazing it would be to have a baby in the family. Jinki sighed and looked at me, but I had a different idea.

"Do you know how many people I would hurt if those photos were shown to the world? I tried... and now I'll just sit and watch how i complicate the lives of everyone... again." I shook my head when Jinki was about to say something. I put a hand on his chest and pushed him away softly. "Now you have to be mature to understand what I'm trying to tell you."

I went to the room.

When I got there, I left Gahul on the bed and looked up for the phone on the desk. I needed to talk to Sam.

"You didn't understand me when I said that my patience was running out."

"So what's that mean?" I turned to him. "All I understand is that you are getting tired of this marriage."

Jinki clenched his jaw. But what other conclusion could have of what he said? Or is it that I was being silly and i didn't understand what he was talking about? Anyway, I wasn't doing it on purpose. Breathing deeply, he closed the door and walked toward me, then he took my waist and lifted me to sit on the desktop.

I watched him with surprise.

"Did you---?"

But Jinki took my face in his hands and kissed me. Suddenly my heart was beating fast and i felt tears behind my eyes when I pressed them shut. It didn't seem possible that through a kiss that seemed to hurt my heart, it could feel so sweet, so sweet that when he dropped his hands, I took some time to separate.

"I'll bite you if you do that again."

Jinki chuckled and rested his forehead against mine.

"I'm scared." He whispered. "I am afraid to say something wrong again and keep losing you if i haven't already lost you."

A sob escaped from my lips before I could stop it. Jinki looked at me with concern and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Dont cry, please. I don't want to see my little angel crying."

I hugged him too and hid my face in his neck. What happened with Jinwoo went beyond a simple kiss, but for the peace that would have in our hearts, it must have occurred but not be seen.

"I must tell you a story for you to understand what I thought at that time." I separated and breathe deeply. "As a child, the idea of my soul mate was really my twin. We slept in the same room until i was 13 because mom said I was a lady and I needed my own space, but no one in my family knew that I didn't know how to live alone. Nobody understood how close we felt so we went to the other's room in the night, and I think... living like that, I never really understood what loneliness meant, at least until life forced me to experience it. Our grandfather had instilled in us a strong thought; defends, protects and loves people who we choose to keep in our lifes, and I guess I forgot all about it until I met you. I know what it's like to feel alone, Jinki, to feel a huge impotence to love a person who doesn't love you that way. I never wanted Jinwoo to feel that way, so I didn't stop him. It might sounds silly, but at least one of us had to get what we wanted, at least for a few seconds. And... I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I don't do these things intentionally, and I am somewhat clumsy at times, but you and I don't---"

"Don't say it." Jinki shook his head and he hug me again. His grip was strong, as strong as my hope that Jeremy listens to me every time I went to see him. "I feel lost without you. I acted in an exaggerated way, I just believed in what I saw and didn't considered other options. When it's about you I get confused, and i think that almost lose you was the worst thing that could happen to me. I love you, i need you. I'm also afraid of loneliness, I don't like how it feels."

Before answering, we heard Minho saying my name from the living room.

We walked to the living room where i saw Minho's smile.

"Look who came to visit you, Juliette."

And my little Julian entered to the room, followed by my older brother.

Maybe I couldn't go back with my family, but they came to me. No matter how far we were, they always come to me.

My beautiful baby ran towards me and I rose him in my arms.

"Grandpa sends you all his love, Aunt Julie." He whispered.

"Grandpa couldn't come this time." Jason said. "But whatever happens, we're here now, babe."

I blinked.

"What? I don't understand..."

He cocked his head.

"I thought you would tell her." Jason looked at Jinki, but he just shrugged. Jason exhaled deeply. "Listen, baby... Jinwoo called me; he arrived to Seoul and he will say what really happened. In fact, I think he must be on TV."

He said he would solve the problem that he caused you. That was the reason why Jinki didn't let me go? Did he collaborated with the nonsense Jinwoo was going to do?

Jinwoo looked so peaceful while cameras launched their flashes in his direction. His parents were there, and although I couldn't see them, i was sure that Sam, Danny, Shin and Minha were there too.

"I don't know at what time I fell in love with her, but what i didn't had in mind was that she was not meant for me. We spent many moments, and even though she was not for me, my feelings were never malicious. I am not ashamed that my first feelings were towards my best friend, but the only thing I did wrong was wish for something to remind me of her; A kiss that almost hurt many people."

Julian rested his head against my shoulder, and Jinki pressed his lips against my hair.

I was so confused that I couldn't say anything. This was not the way to protect my family, but I needed to trust that all would be okay.

Right now, all I had to do was trust.

Hi there ^^!!!!
Well, first of all in Korea is already December 9th so i want to wish a happy birthday to Choi Minho.

(Dibidibidis my name is Minho~ Sorry, i had to say it)
My best friend fell in love with him, and thanks to her I heard about SHINee.

Second, congratulations to SHINee for win Best Dance Performance Male Group. 

And finally... Hope you like the chapter.