Thought # 18.

"Sometimes our eyes are an obstacle to actually see a person.
So let's start to use the heart to see a person's soul.
There are so many things we can know about him or her that way.

What is essential is invisible to the eye - The Little Prince."

With the cold autumn nights out there, tranquility and warmth in the department felt every night. Hot food on the table, conversations that never ended, and stolen kisses when no one was looking. Life seemed to be perfect in this small world that we all call home. My home, our home.

I sat in bed and watched him read.

I took a moment, i just needed a few seconds to give of the most precious object i had.

"I want to give you something..." I said. He nodded and sat across from me, so I took my bracelet out of my sweater. "This is one of the few most important things I have in this life. And if it was not for you... i would never find it." I said as put it on his wrist, and when I finished, he looked at me surprised. "It was you who found it, and you were there looking, you don't know what it meant, and... I gave myself to you because I trust you, and because I love you, and this is another way to show you that I belong to you completely."

Jinki smiled; he had my bracelet and i his necklace.

He leaned over and took my cheeks in his hands, his lips touching mine.

But he knew we couldn't take this any further because the boys were about to arrive.

But I just wanted to cry. Please don't forget that I love you.

>¿Liar? Unfaithful? But now I wonder what you'd be willing to do for people you love? To let go your short marriage or avoid a bad image that they will have to live with? I'll make it simple; You have until the 30th to break out with him. Or your truth, destroying the image of your best friend, Jo companies, Hamilton companies, the image of you husband and maybe the image of SHINee will be known worldwide. Just say: I wish I'd never met you, or, I regret having loved you. That will end with everything, that will end with him.<

I had messages like that days after returning from Thailand. All messages telling me the ways how i could break up with Jinki. All taught me how to hurt him.

I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I took a deep breath trying to calm the frantic beating of my heart, and I shivered. The shaking of my hands had not disappeared, and time was running out. I wasn't going to risk ruining the lives of all for me. I couldn't bear more blame. Why? I was getting tired, and it seemed i couldn't have a quiet time. I couldn't ask why? I had done this, i cheated on him, and now I had to bear what was to come.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, but may not be sufficient repentance toward people who i would hurt if not finished with this. I looked at my eyes, trying to have again that touch of coldness that they had acquired after the accident, but all I saw was the same emptiness when Jeremy left. "Everything would have been easier if you and I..." I put my hand against the mirror, imagining it was Jeremy's on the other side. "You're trapped in your own body, and I in this world without you." I sobbed. "Why life gave us this second chance to live, if you couldn't take it, and if I didn't know how? I don't want to do this, Jeremy. But I do this for them, i have to, after all, it's my fault. Maybe after this, i can go away and start living the way I always wanted to live very far from a being a Hamilton."

I left the bathroom and walked into the room. Life was not unpredictable, life was a boy holding a magnifying glass over me on a hot day. As if randomly chose someone to inject venom like a snake; go through my body and stop my heart now. I stopped at the entrance to see Jinki sitting in bed against the headboard, with the book The Little Prince in his hands and staring at the page, as if trying to deeply understand the meaning of what he read.

"I wonder whether the stars are set alight in heaven so that one day each one of us may find his own again." He cited the words of the book, then he looked up. "I found my star."

His smile stopped.

"We need to talk." I said.

Each open wound on my skin, every tear shed: it seemed they could never heal, it seemed they could never stop falling.

"I don't like that." His eyes reflected the fear he felt. "About what, my love?"

I was the worst person on earth, and the sky was going to punish me.

"I can no do this anymore, Jinki.". There was a tickle in my chest, a feeling that desperately wanted to be afloat, like a person sinking into the seabed. He stood up and hugged me, and i resisted the strong temptation to hug him too. "It's too much."

"I don't understand, angel." He took my face looking for my eyes. A world that seemed to fall apart, a land that seemed to open beneath my feet. "Tell me what happens."

"You can't do anything about it." I pushed his arms and I separated from him. "This life is hard, college was hard when they found out about the marriage. I made an effort, but we know what it feels like to live with fame, and you know it's tired, but you have the strength. You have reasons to live this life, but not me."

I could see the tears forming in his eyes.

"Isn't enough that you love me?" He said, and his lip trembled. "I know it's hard, Angel. I'm sorry that this is the life I can give you, but i will be with you forever. I like being here with you, in our room, just us. That's how I forget that I am an idol and that everyone is aware of what I do. Don't you see? We can be just you and me when we are together."

"That is not enough. I love you, but this life is beyond my strength. Too many people is against me. I just want a quiet life, and i had it until our marriage. And now people talk about me because they are interested in you. I want to go, I never wanted this life, but no one gave me the choice to accept or reject, nobody asked my opinion and no one gave me a choice."

I closed my eyes and I refused to cry the way you really want to. Take me to the bottom and make me disappear.

I backed up and turned around.

I tried to take a step when Jinki hugged me from behind.

"Let's go away. I will leave everything and go where you want to go. I'll leave this life and we will live together in peace. I can retire from music and have a normal marriage. I'll buy a house anywhere in the world you choose. We already have a pet, we can have a baby and we dedicate only to him or her, but please..." He stifled a sob burying his face in my neck. "Please don't leave me."

Jinki, Jinwoo, dad, Jason, Mr. Jo, SHINee, Krystal. It would spare much suffering if i say the words that would end everything. I took a step away and looked at him.

"Is this what i did to you? I told you; don't ever need anyone, I warned you. This is what you feel when you can not hold that person next to you. You should be like others and think I only bring problems. Do you see it now? I made you a dependent person, and now you have to beg me not to leave. And i... I regret I have loved you."

I turned around, and I left the room down the hall.

"Juliette?" Key was the first in the living room and was followed by others. "What's happening?"

However, Jinki's hand grabbed my arm just as their phone rang.

"Juliette, please."

I shook my head, it was like walking on my own world in ruins.

"My friends, there is a news that the world needs to know." Key said reading on the phone.

My legs trembled. What the hell wanted that person with me?

Key looked at us both and the TV.

It was as if time stopped.

I couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't move when that voice from the host of the program began to tell the story. Being seen by many as the cause of an accident, I was seen again as the bad girl in this story. The room fell silent when Key removed the TV volume. The boys exchanged confused looks.

Jinki looked at me with sadness, confusion, pain and anger, so much rage that intimidated me.

"I can explain it." I whispered, but the truth is I could not. Jinki would never understand it. Nobody could understand, it made little sense only if they would be in our places. "No, I can't. But it is not as it seems."

"Don't you see it?" He pointed at the TV. "Everyone now know that you cheated on me!"

My phone rang and Jinwoo's name lit the screen. My God... he had that message too?

"Answer him." He ordered.

I kept quiet, and Jinki took the phone and put it on speaker.

"Did you like being kissed by my wife?"

"I did it, I kissed her. You know that Juliette would do nothing to hurt you, Onew. It was all my fault."

"I didn't trust you, Jinwoo, but you..." He looked at me indignantly. "Frankly I don't understand why. Do you still want the divorce? You gave yourself to me loving another person?"

I couldn't believe it.

I blinked embarrassed, and my cheeks began to burn when the boys looked at us surprised.

"You slept with him, Juliette?" Jinwoo asked.

"We didn't sleep together... we made love. Did you like to hear that? But it's a shame you didn't get from her what I did, although i can't imagine the things she can do."

"Hyung." Minho said, and suddenly he had changed his expression. "Don't do that, you will regret it later."

I was too shocked to speak when Jinki hung up. I could only get the worst of him, that side that he had never had. Now i knew that he could also say things that hurt.

"Is that why you felt that way these days?" Key asked, I could clearly see he was ashamed. "Are you pregn---?"

"I'm not."

"You don't know how happy I am." Jinki said harshly. "I trusted you, and now I truly feel like an idiot for doing it and falling in love with you. I love you, and now I have to learn to stop that."

A tear ran down his cheek, and he left.

The boys looked at me with a sad expression, hesitated a moment, and a few seconds later, they followed their leader.

Except Minho.

Frustration, anger, and pain were hurting me from inside. I was about to break me just like when I knew about Jeremy, and at that time I was about to hit bottom. But now I didn't know to what point of no return could go if i surrender.

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

Wind that never stop blowing, please take all the pain away.

Let me be free. Break the chains that bind me to the ground.

Free birds that fly where you want.

Let me fly to your side.

He said he would love me forever, and now all that love became resentful. My wedding ring was no longer where it should be, and all the pain gave me the strength to make it disappear forever. From the double glass doors that lead out to the garden in my house, i was about to throw it.

"Juliette, no!" Danielle stayed my hand in the air and took the ring, hiding it in her hand as protection. "What the hell are you doing?! You can not just throw your ring!"

The pain was burning my soul.

"And why not? What does it mean now?"

"Come on, baby." She looked at my with sadness. "Don't do something like that. Come, let's take a break."

And we sat on the couch.

"Take a break? Oh, Please!" Sam left the kitchen and left several bottles on the table in front of us. "That's for beginners! We will drink until we forget who we are. And meanwhile you tell us what the hell happened with Jinwoo. There are photos, and he was kissing you."

"Ugh! Is today the day of cursing, Sam?" Danny asked in disgust.

"Let it be, Dan. Cursing or throwing rings is a way to relieve stress."

If that made me forget everything... I took the vodka bottle and opened it. The liquid splashed the table when i filled the glass.

"Well, what the hell... let's go with everything." And the liquid burned my throat when i drank it all.

Jinwoo was taking a plane right now. Dad could not believe it. My family supported me. And Krystal thought i had betrayed her trust.

FLASHBACK.

After returning from Thailand weeks before, the group had gathered to play a last game of basketball.

Juliette walked to Jinwoo, wondering why he was still playing again and again without stopping, even when the game was over and her friends had gone for food. Her mind filled with memories when she stopped behind him. We play basketball overnight when his grandfather died. That was very helpful to release the emotions that Jinwoo had.

"Are you okay, Jinwoo?"

Even under his shirt, she saw his back stiffened. Jinwoo not bother to turn around when he answered.

"Sure, sweety. Why wouldn't I be?"

He wasn't, and the fight against such a strong feeling seemed to be torturing to both.

"I think you should rest."

"I really need to keep busy."

"Why? Jinwoo, you are acting strangely, and you know you can tell me anything, I'll be for you and--"

"Don't do this to me."

He turned to her. Juliette looked at him, she was confused, worried. He had done so much for her, which made her feel bad by noting that she couldn't do the same for him.

"Do what?"

"To insist."

"Why do you need to keep busy?"

"Juliette..."

"Is that---"

"I need to keep busy because at every break I don't stop thinking about you!"

Jinwoo's expression completely changed when she shrugged. But he stopped the step that would give to her, and the words left his lips as cries of his heart.

"I think about you all day, and i still wake up at dawn hoping to find you asleep beside me as when we lived in the US. I always stopped myself from kiss you while you slept, and you don't know how fast my heart goes when you smile, or when you read and don't notice anyone

around you. I'm in love with you but I know you're with him, and I love you so much that I can almost hear my heart screaming your name, asking for something that can't have." He dropped his shoulders. "I'm exhausted now, and it's time to move on. Back to what we once were. I'll look at you as my best friend. But I just need something."

Juliette looked up from the floor, with a little fear and a little hopeful of being allowed to help. She would do anything just to see him happy.

"What is it?"

Jinwoo walked toward her, and took her face in his hands.

"Knows how lucky Onew is when he kisses you."

FLASHBACK ENDS.

I was really drunk and I squinted my eyes at the clock in the room. It was  in the 3 morning. I smiled at the empty soju bottles and other bottles on the table. I got up and walked staggered out of the house where Danny was convincing Sam to stay seated in the car.

I left the house and closed the door behind me.

At 3 in the morning the sky was lit by the stars. Danny's car was parked outside the house, and Sam was acting like a 6 year old girl. Alcohol had taken her most tender and something gooey side. Hugs, laughter of a child, and she showed herself as a singer. So it was not easy to make her stay in the car when she turned to unbuckle her seatbelt, again.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I knew what was going on around me, but my mouth and my body seemed to have their own mind.

"Gee, gee, gee, gee, baby, baby." Sammy said in a singsong voice.

Sitting in the front yard of my house, I saw the comic scene in front of me as if this was my own private show. Although at times it was hard to concentrate on them when I was beginning to see double or felt i was going to fall. But that was funny to me too.

"What song should we sing now, Julie?" Finally Danny had managed to keep Sam seated. Sam couldn't find the door lock, so she leaned into the open window and looked at me with a drunken smile. "Should we sing a SHINee song?"

"No, no, no." I shook my head. But the movement only made me see triple. I held my head and complained. "Oh God, my head."

Sam let out a giggle and I did it too.

"Okay, party girls, the fun ended." Danny said. Danny walked towards me and stopped, and I looked at her with a smile. "Time to go home and sleep, Julie. I only let you and hour and the alcohol ran out. Tomorrow you will have the worst hangover of your life."

I didn't even remember that hangover meant.

"What's a hangover?" I asked.

Danny shook her head.

"You'll know in a few hours."

She helped me to my feet and we walked to the car. When Danny was about to help me get into the back seat, a black car parked behind her car. Sam took half her body out through the window, and from Danny's arms, we note that Jinki walked towards us. When we had him in front of us, I let out a giggle. Sam giggled too.

"Ah... I knew you'd come." Danny said and took the ring from the pocket of her jeans. "Don't ask how I got it. But put the ring on her finger if you really want to continue the marriage."

Jinki nodded seriously, he approached us and put an arm around my waist, and took all the weight of my body.

"You're coming with me. We are going home."

"No." I said, but Jinki didn't let me go. "I don't want to go with you."

"Onew." Sam said. "How did you know we were here? Did you put a tracking chip to your wife?"

"I figured out." He sighed. "Leave her with me, I will take care of her."

But Jinki was still my husband and confident that I would be fine, Danny left. I whined like a child.

"Are you sad because you didn't go with them?" He asked and I nodded exaggeratedly. "Sometimes you're like a little girl, angel. We're going home."

"I can walk alone."

"Of course not."

"I can." I faced at him; like a child who doesn't get what she wants.

It was as if my mouth, my mind and my body were working by themselves.

Jinki sighed and released me.

And then I took another step, and i fell to my knees.

I laughed.

"You really want to give me a heart attack, don't you?" Jinki lifted me up.

"If you have a heart attack, it's because you're an old man."

Jinki could not help but laugh. And he took me to the car. Before he did, I tried to get the seat belt. But my hands were moving alone and everything was blurry. Jinki laughed again.

"Did you finish playing?" He took my hand and guided, and both hear the click.

"Ha ha." I laughed. "I knew it was there."

Jinki left the neighborhood to the highway back to the dorm. In a moment he was on the main highway back in town, and there were many cars even at that time of night. The streets became noisy, totally the opposite of the silence in the car. Through my blurred vision, I saw the pretty colors of neon signs and I started muttered. 

"Why don't you talk to me?" Jinki asked.

"You should not be here. I should not be here either."

"I can't ignore that you need me now. I will not lie either; I can't help but worry about you. I will never stop doing that, angel."

As the car moved, Jinki asked some more questions and tried to start a conversation with me. How do you feel? Do you have a headache? Should I buy something at the pharmacy? But I didn't answer, so he parked the car and looked at me with exasperation.

"It's concern. Okay? Now stop acting like a child. I wouldn't throw the blame to the alcohol for your behavior. Jinwoo called, we talk and he told me how it all happened, and said he would solve the problem that he caused you. But that's not the point. Why didn't you tell me? You had to trust me!"

"Are you dumb, Jinki?" I asked, staring at him. "I appreciate what you do, but just take me home."

And here he was, with the person who cheated on him. But I had given myself to him. And if i needed him before, now that word had a greater meaning.

"I'm not dumb, angel. I'm in love."

And he pressed his lips against mine. His lips were like honey against mine, taking all of me as his hands cradled my face as softly as he used to. I tried to push him, but he took my hand and smiled against my lips. And when I couldn't pull myself away, I took his lip between my teeth.

"Did you just bit me?" Jinki chuckled as he pull away. "Never mind, i will try it again in a while."

And he drove again.

I rested my head against the window, and see through my heavy eyelids became increasingly difficult, so, halfway back home sleep overcame me.

When I woke up I recognized the lobby for which he was taking me. I rested my cheek against his shoulder; my stomach felt bad and I wanted that feeling to stop. My eyes had to adjust to the darkness before speaking.

"I want to go home." I mumbled into his shoulder. I just wanted to lie down on my pillow and sleep for weeks. "And stop taking my this way, prince charming; I don't like it at all."

"You want me to take you on my back?"

And I nodded against his shoulder.

He put me down and he kneels down in front of me. I climbed on his back and the time ran in a blink. I could handle alcohol, but now everything was taking me to the edge. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek on his shoulder.

Satisfied, Jinki called the elevator and minutes later he walked down the hall from his dorm.

"Jinki-ah, I'm hungry." I stammered against his shoulder.

"You can't eat. The food could hurt your stomach, angel."

"Tell that to my stomach. I'm hungry! Please, I really want to eat something."

Jinki sighed.

He left me in the kitchen chair and i rested my cheek against the table closing my eyes. Tired, I was so tired... but i was also hungry. Luckily, Jinki had prepared the soup which I loved. Before serving it he sat beside me.

"Angel? Are you awake?"

I got up slowly.

He took my chin and made me look at him. His other hand raised the glass to my lips. He never stopped looking at me, and I looked at him too.

"Do you feel better?"

The water was cold and it felt good.

"I feel nothing now, in fact. But the water helped. Thank you."

Jinki wiped a drop of my lips with his finger.

"Would you let me kiss you?" He asked. But I shook my head slowly. "Why not?"

"My whole body smells like alcohol. Don't you smell it? I can't even put up with myself."

Jinki chuckled.

"Well, well." Jong appeared in pajamas followed by Minho. "Are you going to take advantage of her, hyung?"

Jinki shook his head and rose up.

Minho sat next to me and my hair. Jonghyun sat across from me and Jinki sat down again with the soup. I closed my hand around the spoon and I tried to eat, but my hand was shaking like jelly.

"I think we've never seen this side of Juliette." Jong chuckled while Jinki fed me. "It's surprising and fascinating, actually."

"What?" Minho asked. "That she's drunk?"

"No. Clumsy." Jong chuckled. "Julie-ah. Do you remember your name? Or your last name? Do you remember my name."

I stopped eating and thought about that. I didn't remember it. It had something to do with William Shakespeare.

"Romeo! My name is Romeo... Or something like that. And you look like someone I've seen on TV."

The boys explored in a giggle as Jinki shook his head.

"Your name is Juliette, Lee Juliette." Jinki said putting the spoon to my mouth again.

I swallowed and i looked at him.

"Juliette. Lee Juliette. I like how it sounds."

And Jinki smiled proudly.

"Good girl."

"Julie-ah..." Minho said. "How many bottles did you drink?"

"Or what did you drink?" Jong asked.

"Something like this..." I showed my 10 fingers in front of him. "Uhm... soju, vodka..." And I giggled. "And something that you drink with lemon and salt."

"Aigo..." Minho whined. "We have to be more careful, Juliette."

After that, Jinki took me to the room and I lay back on the bed. Gahul slept on my pillow, and got under my arm before being asleep again. Jinki leaned beside me and watched me. His hand settled my hair back.

I felt so helpless in a world that believed to have the right to judge me.

Let me sleep for years. I just want to disappear.

I closed my eyes and I was starting to fall asleep when I heard him.

"No matter what people say." He took my hand and I felt how he put the ring on my finger. "No matter if there 100 reasons to leave you, I'll find one to stay with you, angel. I promise." He put his arms around me, feeling his lips touching mine. "Forgive me, please. I love you."

We were together now.

But now out there was a war to fight.

Hope you like this chapter.

And please: Watch those flirty eyes and that beautiful smile at the end.