( Dec 2011 )   

 entering the VIP room of friends gathering with unnies , countless idols attended as if it was a mini music program , kyuline were there and jonghyun from cnblue was sitting with them .. my heart raced at the thought , what if he's here too?

my glance moved faster wandering across the room looking for someone , and he was just there staring at me !! 
my ex-virtual lover .. how pitiful that sounded ? my first love was a virtual - work - paid -filmed experience , at least i knew about how love tasted , right ? i didn't regret loving him but we ended it anyway the day we ended our filming .. the past months were like a roller coaster of feelings and most of the time i really don't know what we are exactly - friends or less ..

i sat down with my unnies who were excited chatting and joking , they were so noisy which made all the eyes in the room directed at us !

bored ; my eyes wondered across the place over & over and whenever my glance fell on him he catchs it right away , it was embarrassing how he surely thought i'm staring at him on purpose !

sooyoung unnie elbowed me " it's time to have fun " she said winking 

i sighed heavily " i know , unnie "

unnies were trying hard to bring me along whenever they have a friendly gathering , for me to move on from the overly sweet virtual divorce 

changmin came and greeted us , he sat beside me chatting for a while 

" how is the preparation for TTS going ? " he asked 

" it's going so well " i smiled 
 
i glanced yonghwa and he was busy chatting with a bunch of girls , it was a time when cnblue were doing great inside and outside the idols circle 

" seohyun~ah !! i was asking when is your flight to the U.S ?" changmin asked again as i was spacing out the first time

" ah sorry , on saturday "

i chatted with him for a while trying to keep my glance somewhere safe , however i noticed some girl whispering something to yonghwa - looks like an agreement to meet outside the room .. 

she went out and he followed her a moment later ..

my throat tingled with bitterness 

" excuse me everyone " i said and stood up 

i followed them curious , i wanted to know about the yonghwa he never showed to me .. the real yonghea as a native  lover  

they were standing in the corridor , i hid in a corner sneakly so i would hear their conversation.. 

" oppa , i like you " the girl confessed sincerely , he wasn't shocked as much as i was though

" i'm sorry " he answered her right away 

" wae oppa ? i can be the girl you wish for , whatever you ask .. i'll do it " she said sincerely with teary eyes 

" i'm sorry , i'm not ready for dating yet "

" i'll wait for you " she said trying to convince him , she was so brave that i was amazed by her 

" i already have someone in mind , sorry " he bowed to her slightly and the girl was shocked running to the bathroom ..  

although the girl was rejected , i envied her , being brave enough to confess and got to know her situation exactly , she didn't tail him for years confused about his feelings toward her , as i was thinking deeply , i heard yonghwa's steps coming toward my direction .. 

what to do know ! the corner i'm hiding at will be just exposed when he passes by , i was startled looking for my phone in my bag to act busy ..

" i saw you .." i heard him talking to me 

" excuse me ? " i was startled by how confident he was 

" i saw you .. eavesdropping my conversation with her " 

" eh !!! no you got it all wrong ; i was just passing by .. but i didn't want to interrupt you " 

" but you wanted to hear my answer to her confession ? " he replaced my sentence staring into my eyes 

" so you rejected her because you knew i was hiding here ? " i said confidently trying to trouble him too 

" are you implying , that i rejected her for your sake ? " he said with a smirk , and i gulped troubled , it's hard to flip the roles as he now knows for sure that i'm still interested in him 

" do you think it's funny playing with my words to satisfy your own ego !! " i said frowning , and took steps to go back to the room 

" wait " he grabbed my arm , " i was joking by the way " he said his hair looking at the floor 

" ahaaaa a joke ! hahaha .. that i've laughed can i go back now " 

" but if you go back now , we can't really talk freely there " he said referring to our SM x FNC situation , both companies prohibited us to be even friends , if they heard about it our situation will get more complicated than it's now 

i was a young girl who had already fallen completely for him , my unnies spazzed that he looked interested in me too , but i wasn't sure what he really felt about me , did he really love me or was he just a selfish namja that didn't want me 'who belonged to him once' to be someone's else girl .. is he really serious about those flirting words or will he just break my heart when he gets bored by the end of the year ..
rejecting girls was it for my sake or just a play to get me .. 

" we can't help it anyway , see you later " i said solemnly , cause whatever i felt i had the control over my heart in the end ..  

i went inside the room to find my unnies already invited minhyuk and jungshin to their table , that when i knew what's coming next .. 

" unnie !!! what are you doing inviting cnblue over our table ? " i whispered to sooyoung unnie startled 

" what's wrong with doing this ? " 

" you know , the company .. " i was saying 

" see ! we're fated to finish what we were talking about earlier " yonghwa said as he sat beside me , and greeted my unnies , he had his widest toothy smile staring at me 

i looked at my drink as my heart raced .. then it was awkward with me being quiet , but i didn't know what to say either 

" i heard about TTS debut" he said 

" yeah , it's exciting "

" yeah it is , i'm happy for you although i'm afraid it would double your fanboys .. it's getting tiring lately " he said acting in despair , i laughed hard to turn the topic into a joke 

i glanced the bracelet i gave him 

" the bracelet .. you keep on wearing it " i said tracing my index over the bracelet he's wearing

" yeah i like it " 

" it's weird, you haven't lost it yet !!  "  i said raising my eye brows 

" that's why i keep on wearing it , so i wouldn't lose it " he said laughing , he continued while looking into my eyes .. " cause it's so important to me " 

i pouted my lips and touched my hair , trying to calm down 

" about earlier , i lied actually .. i didn't know about you standing there until i passed by you , and seeing how startled you were i knew you heard us , i'm sure you were just passing by anyway " he said calmly looking at his drink & shaking it , he doesn't know that i lied too .. 

" but i didn't lie about my answer , i'll reject whoever approaches me cause i already have someone in my heart & mind " he said shifting his glance from the drink to my eyes 

 although it could've been just a play he's acting , or maybe that someone isn't me but i chose to believe in him and wait .. 

" that someone ... does she know about your feelings ? " i asked cautiously

" i'm not sure " he answered 

" i'm sure she's lonely then .. confused , insecure and lost ..  " i said as if talking to my self , i wanted to express my feelings once at least 

he was quiet for a moment , his eyes got sad and said nodding " i know ... "

he sighed heavily and continued " i asked CEO han for a personal phone , also i asked to choose the location of our next dorm , i asked for his permission to date freely .. he promised he'll grant my wishes if we have a successful comeback & for our band to be the best " 

i nodded 

" i'm working hard to fulfill those in no time " he said seriously 

" i'm sure you are " 

" but i hope she would wait for me ... " he looked at me waiting for a reply ..

i'm not even sure who was he referring to , i can go along a baseless conversation but i can't give baseless promises .. i have no right to reply to this 

" ooooooh wae so cheesy " tiffany unnie shouted startling us .. we looked at her but she kept on laughing 

" unnie !! you startled us " i said whining but really thankful ,maybe she did it on purpose too 

---------------------------------------------

( back to today ) 

" please calm down seojin-ssi , i'm sure there's a way to do what you want while your family is supporting you " 

" i know aboji , he's serious about it " her voice trembled with no hope 

my heart ached for her , she's working hard all alone here in seoul and just asking for her family spiritual support , because they're not cooperative with her dreams  she might lose everything after she got too close to fame ..

even though it wasn't the first time when a girl needed my opinion for something while crying , but every time i would find something to say to console them while seojin had a serious issue and i'm afraid i can't help her even with words - it's her family after all , she shouldn't go against them 

she started talking again with a broken tone " i thought what if i just lose my family to achieve my dreams , and ask for their forgiveness later after being a famous actress ... but ..." 

she sniffed and continued " but ... me being here as a stranger with no friends nor a lover , my roommates are envying me for the chances i got ... even when i needed to talk i went to a stranger's apartment whom already afraid of me cause i'm a newbie .. my life is really miserable .. my life ....  " 

she faced me being inches away from her , looking at my eyes directly with her teary eyes and said with a soft tone almost whispering " it's so lonely ... " 

i stared at her eyes for fraction of second !! my heart raced for a moment .. wahhh .. what am i doing ! i stood up abruptly to break the dangerous mood .. 

" i'll bring you a cup of water " i suggested 

" i guess i'm so pitiful right now , i'm sorry about the headache i'm giving to you .. i'm sure someone .. someone will save me ...  someone will care " she stood up too collecting her things from the couch 

" or not ... " she murmured  

i couldn't let her go when she's that depressed , i blocked her way and said " seojin-ssi , i'm sure you can convince your dad or ... "

" my life .. what's so important about it !! should i just die ?? " she wondered seriously , her eyes didn't blink , and i widened my eyes in a shock ! 
she then started crying hard , dropping her bag and coat on the floor , and held onto me tightly !!! 

her arms were circled around me holding on so tightly and crying on my chest ...
 my arms were froze in the air , thinking about what should i do now ?  
i ended up standing still until she calmed down a little 

she stared up into my eyes while still leaning on my chest
 " oppa , although i'm no one in your life , i don't have anyone in my life but you " 

i distanced her away from my chest abruptly " i'm sure you're just confused right now , because you're thinking too hard about it .. i'll ask AOA girls to be friends with you , juniel too , everyone will help you .." 

" but not you !! " she said disappointed looking away 

" me too i'll help , seojin-ssi you're still a rookie it's normal to face those problems , you're young and pretty you can get a lot of opportunities ..." i encouraged her with a steady tone 

" am i pretty ?! " she questioned in confusion

" of course seojin-ssi , why are you being so hard on yourself " i said cheerfully , maybe that could give her energy and confidence for now , " sit down please " i guided her to the couch and we sat down again 

she stared at my eyes asking " what's so pretty about me ? tell me please " 

i gulped at her question , why is she serious about it !

she held my gaze firmly hoping for my soon answer to comfort her

 i stared at her face for a moment before answering honestly 
" your eyes , nose , and .... li.. " i paused abruptly ; regretting that i said it 
those words i better keep them for seohyun , i shouldn't have had said them to a confused girl too .. 

the next moment she rested her hands on my shoulders , pushed me on the couch in one move , and got over me !

" oppa , i want to feel it .... that you care about me " 

" seojin-ssi !!! " i frowned shocked , what's wrong with her 

" shhhh " she hushed me with her index on my lips and fixed her knee in the narrow gap between my thighs 

this isn't right .. why is she doing this ! my mind was a little traumatized , my body froze too .. it was so sudden i didn't predict that coming .. i thought she was in pain 

" get off  " i said to her frowning ready to shove her 

" relax oppa " she said huskily as she came closer to my lips , while her hand wondered across my body 

just when i was about to shove her , i froze looking at the door direction after it was opened and a familiar lively " yongieeee " was heard 

seohyun made her appearance in the living room , froze when she saw me with a girl in that - famous - position , i thought about it .. what can happen worse than this ! 

she dropped the plastic bags she was holding on the floor from the shock 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

seohyun's pov 

i entered yonghwa's apartment holding grocery bags as i intended to cook a special dinner for him before my flight tomorrow to japan ..

" yongiee ~ " i called him as i approached the living room 

i was startled when my eyes fell on a man and women in that position sharing a passionate moment , the floor messy with her things scattered all over , i looked away embarrassed  , but wait ... it was yonghwa after all ?

 i dropped what were in my hands on the floor as my body lost it's strength suddenly .. 

yonghwa shoved the girl , he stood up abruptly " DON'T misunderstand the situation " he demanded 

i hardly tore my glance from his demanding eyes and looked at the girl - she was the one i thought it would be .. seojin , i took a closer look at her from head to toe , she wasn't even that startled seeing me ..  

i threw another glance at yonghwa again and he was pleading with his eyes for me to believe him .. 

i breathed deeply then i took a steps to the couch and sat down to get over the fact that my knees were awfully shaking 

crossing my arms over my chest,  i asked her " did i interrupt something ? " 

but yonghwa answered " juhyun~ please "  

" were you practicing something ? " i asked her again 

she looked at me with a foxy glance " we just got into the mood " 

i opened my mouth in a shock , she's getting on my nerves more than yonghwa in the moment , should i just swipe the floor with her hair ..

" what ?! wait " yonghwa shouted , he wandered his shocked gaze between us simultaneously 

" so you got in the mood after a glass of juice ! " i held the glass mocking her , she's aware that i understood her plan 

" i came here to talk with oppa about something , but this how the situation turned out when he told me how pretty i am " she explained while collecting her things from the floor

" pretty !!! " i echoed in a  shock giving yonghwa a side- glare questioning 

" that was ... " he wanted to explain , but i just ignored him and gave my attention to her again

" it's funny how the situation turned out like this although yonghwa knows that i'm coming tonight , so weird " i scoffed playing with my hair and looking at yonghwa , wh