- Chapter Thirty - Can he be happy?

Sooyoung yawned as she climbed down the stairs of her old parents' house. The woman was the last daughter the old Kim couple had and she was still coming and going from Seoul and Gongju to look after them as she was still single.

She stretched her arms as she entered the large living room and chuckled at the sight of baby Cap sleeping peaceful against Yunho. The two of them were enjoying their afternoon nap quietly on the soft matt spread in the room with her grandfather who was watching a news channel on the television with the lowest of the volume. Last night Yunho and Jaejoong with the baby had stopped by when they passed by the south of Chungcheong province in their trip.

She shook her head lightly and entered the kitchen, living those two sleep quietly.

"Hey? You're not sleeping?" Sooyoung said as she saw her baby brother cooking something and their mother assisting the latter.

"I just woke up not long ago." Jaejoong said with a smile. "Soon, those two will wake up and complain of being hungry."

"That's why you are cooking for them." His older sister said with an amused smile as she opened the door of the fridge, searching for something to eat. "You look like a real housewife." She added as she twisted her nose looking at the pickles' pot in her hand. "Can I have some of what you are cooking for your man?"

"Really! At your age, you should know how to look after yourself." Their mother said as she hit her playfully on her back.

"Umma!" She whined with a moue.

"Don't make that face. You're not pretty at all." The older woman snickered as she put a few green peas into the fried rice her son was cooking. "You're not like your brother."

Sooyoung shook her head with a smile, being used to be compared with her baby brother who of course was the best of the best to their parents. The older couple had a big family with eight biological daughters. They had struggled a lot to have a son. But, life did not give them what they wanted the most. And when the opportunity to have the son they always wanted, they didn't think much and went to adopt Jaejoong. Since then, he was the precious treasure of the Kim family.

She skipped towards her brother and looked at what he was cooking. And it seemed good. She sniffed at the fragrance coming from the fried rice still cooking on the stove. "It's not our traditional fried rice with kimchi." She let out.

"No. It's more like a Chinese fried rice. The rice is still white."

"What did you put in it?"

"Crumbled omelet and peas."

"Not even some meat?" She frowned.

"No. But I still hope seeing her eat some soon." The young father said as he opened the lid of a pot where some piece of chicken drumsticks were slow-cooked for a while in a broth. And Sooyoung took a spoonful of the fragrant broth and tasted it.

"God! She's more lucky than the richest man in this world. Baby Cap has her own cook. And the best. Can I-"

"There's some egg sandwiches. Go eat it." Their mother said with a smile.

"Egg sandwiches? Not your idea, right?"

"Thank your brother for that."

"You're the best." Sooyoung squeezed her younger brother for a while then she ran to sit around the table and get a half of an egg sandwich. "So? What's going on between Yunho and you? Are you good now?" She asked as she bit onto the sandwich in her hands.

"It's not a subject to discuss for now." Mrs. Kim warned her youngest daughter.

"You older people." She rolled up her eyes.

"We never were in a bad term to begin with." Jaejoong answered finally with a smile.

"You don't have to answer her stupid question."

"Umma! It's not a stupid question." Sooyoung protested, then she turned to look at her younger brother who was still stirring the rice in the pan. "Jaejoong-ah... I'm not going to tell you what to do. But you must know that you can't play with the man's heart. He still loves you. And you? Are you still in love with him?"

"Really you!" The older woman shook her head as she slapped her daughter on her back for being stubborn.

Jaejoong said nothing for a while. Then, he turned off the burner under the frying pan before going to pour some coffee for his mother and sister.

"Here." He put the mug next to Sooyoung before giving the second to their mother. Then he poured himself another mug. Jaejoong smiled at how his people loved to drink this much of coffee. In France, when people ordered coffee, they found themselves with a cup of dark coffee accompanied by cubed sugars and in the morning with a croissant. They also sold mugged coffee but it came from those coffee shops with a foreign sign. The French coffee was drunk in a cup smaller than a tea cup.

"Thank you."

"De rien! (You're welcome!)" Jaejoong said as he took place next to his mother and facing his sister.

"Stop talking to me in French. I don't understand." His older sister said amusedly.

The young man laughed softly at his sister, loving having a way to get at them after all those years of being teased by eight older sisters.

"Stop laughing." She grunted. "So? Your feelings?"

"It's complicated."

"Because of Hana?"

"Because of a lot of things..." He added in a low voice as he just stare at the black liquid in the mug in his hands. "Do you know he failed me before? Not once but so many..." He let out with a nod. "I didn't ask much from him. But Yunho always put our group and his many friends before me."

Sooyoung and Mrs. Kim said nothing only listening to the young man pouring his heart out. It was really good that Jaejoong was able to talk about what was in his heart.

"I could understand if he put our group first. Because he was responsible of five people including himself. And the four of us always depended on him. However, I wasn't only or not even only his best friend. I was his boyfriend... his lover... But, I was nothing when others appeared from nowhere... At first I was understanding. He was U-Know Yunho, the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki. We were the most popular group in Korea, in Asia. People wanted to be friends with us. So I let go..." Jaejoong said quietly. He paused and sipped a few drops of his bitter coffee, then grimaced. With Ha-chan, he had changed his taste. The dark and bitter taste of a simple coffee did not suit his taste buds anymore. So, he put the mug away on the surface table and continued, "However, with time, we saw each other less and less… our schedule gave us no time for sleep... so having time for each other... there's none. Only when we stepped in our room for a sleep. And even so... when our body reached the soft bed, there's no time to talk as fatigue took us and we slept like a log until the next morning..." Jaejoong nodded with a sad smile. "It seemed that we weren't a couple anymore." He laughed softly. "I was more close to Ha-chan than my own boyfriend. I talked to her more than with the one I lived with. Every time we had time for us, Yunho was always with his good friends. And me... I ended up my alone time with her."

"But now, things are different." His sister said quietly. "He spends all his time with and your daughter. And this trip around Korea, it's somehow a way to spend time with you."

Jaejoong nodded. "But I can't help fearing that everything will never change once we get back together. How can I trust him? It was easy for him to let go of me before... He can think of someone else as his home after our separation... but me... it took me time to move on... And... when I look at what Ha-chan did for me... It's so much more than Yunho did for me."

"So, you two... well, it will be difficult for you to be together again." His older sister said quietly.

"It's... things are complicated." The young father said with an amused smile, making his mother and sister frown at his words. "This impaired heart of mine still lingers a strong feeling towards the man. Even if Ha-chan did so much for me, Jung Yunho doesn't need to move a finger to put my life upside down. For more a year I built walls around me in order not to fall apart. And that man... he only needed to stand in front of me to destroy all my effort to stand strong after her death."

Mrs. Kim said nothing as she took her son's hand in hers. Sooyoung nodded understanding what her younger brother was trying to say. She was there when Yunho had walked into this house to stand in front of Jaejoong. And not long after people had left them alone, her baby brother had cried hard, pouring out all his sorrow and grief in the other man's arms.

For Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho will always be his most important person. The man was the first friend he made when he left Gongju to Seoul in order to make his dream come true. They were trainees in the same agency and had shared so much with each other. Happiness to sadness. Tears to laughter. Friendship to love. And even if they parted away from each other for a while, with them living their own lives, once they stepped in the same path, those two men could not deny who was the other for them.

"I will never deny who he was and who he is in my life." He smiled quietly. "Every day I feel like a fool still in love with that man as I am being swept away by the kind of man is Yunho. No wonder a lot of people like," he paused a bit and continue, "or should I say love him and expect so much from him. But when night comes and we lay on our bed with him deep asleep and me still awake... I can't help thinking of Ha-chan. And guilt takes over me. Because now... I don't know since when... but when I am with him, I forget everything about her. I forget about all she has done for me... And I'm scared... scared to be ungrateful of all the things she did for me... all the things she gave to me in order for me to stand on my feet and not being ashamed of the kind of man I am..."

"But she wants you to be happy in the future." Sooyoung said quietly, feeling sorry for her younger brother to be in this kind of situation. Love was never simple. And she could not even give him some good advices as she never experienced this kind of love story.

"She asked me to be happy one day in the near future." Jaejoong nodded quietly. "But can I? Can I be happy?"

"Let's stop here." Mrs. Kim said quietly. "You don't have to think too much. You only have to live quietly and happily for now. Your heart is still healing from her loss. It's not a shame to keep clinging on someone who provides you the sole solace you need for the time being." The older woman added with a smile as she took her son's hand in hers. "Take whatever Yunho-yah is willing to give you. And you do nothing wrong. If others say otherwise, let them say whatever they want. Because only the two of you know what behind your relationship which is not friendship nor either love. You two just need time together to be able to make things right from the past and maybe for the future. And when time comes, you will know what you need in your life. This impaired heart of you will know sooner or later what you want from Yunho." The older woman pressed her frail hand against her son's chest. And the young father nodded once again, trusting his mother's words. "You don't need to be scared of being happy without her. Of all the people in this world, you are one of those who deserve to be happy. And if it's Yunho who makes you happy, let it be him. Umma and appa will be also happy with you."

"...bapaaaa... mam-mam…"

The three people in the kitchen turned their eyes toward the door and smiled at the sight of baby Cap still drowsy in the arms of Yunho. The man was not better than the baby girl with tousled hair and unkempt appearance by his sleep.

"She just woke up and is hungry." Yunho said with a smile.

"Good! Let have some snack together." Mrs. Kim added as she stood up from her chair and went to call her husband while Jaejoong was now in front of the stove heating the fried rice and put those slow-cooked chicken drumsticks on a plate.

Yunho set baby Cap on the high chair that Mr. Kim had taken from the storeroom for his granddaughter this morning. And not long after, he took the plate of meat from Jaejoong's hands. Meanwhile Sooyoung was watching the two men with an amused smile. They fell into a routine like a real couple. Even if her younger brother's mind was not aware of what his heart wanted from that man, his body's gesture said otherwise. All the smiles and soft towards Yunho were not meaningless.

Kim Jaejoong was still aware of Jung Yunho if not still in love with the other man.

And when Yunho took place next to her, she leaned towards the man and asked in a whispering tone, "Did you hear everything?" The younger man just nodded in silence as he took the plate of fried rice from his ex-lover who passed by him. "Sorry." Sooyoung added.

The young idol chuckled as he shook his head lightly. Yunho wasn't angry of eavesdropping their discussion. The man was aware of the indecision of his friend to go further into their relationship. For now they were friends and maybe a bit more than friends. But, he wasn't going to force anything onto Jaejoong's shoulders. The man was still attached to his late wife. And compared to her, Yunho had so much to prove to the man that what they were going to have as a couple was better than the past. For that, he needed time. However, in the man's turmoil, he could see there was hope for them to be together one day in the near future like the five of them being Dong Bang Shin Ki once more.

"Eating at this hour of the afternoon," Mr. Kim said with a chuckle as he entered the kitchen, "I fear that dinner will be at a late hour tonight."

"Don't be a spoilsport." His wife replied. "You know she needs to taste everything from now on. And having us eating in front of her will surely make her want to try what we eat."

"Alright! Alright! I won't argue with you." The older man nodded with an amused smile painting on his lips.

Jaejoong laughed at his mother's comment. But, she wasn't wrong either. Capucine loved having people eat with her, encouraging her to have a bit of everything presents on the table. It was like his baby girl was living only by their praises. What kind of child was she? Well, she was the daughter of Kim Jaejoong, a member of the group Dong Bang Shin Ki and also called God. She could only be up to be his daughter.

"I hope she's not going to ask for a chili pepper." The older man added as he sat around the table and everyone laughed at him referring to her experience a week before.

That little experience in her small life was spread faster than they thought among their families with laugh and tease. Changmin, Junsu and Yoochun even had the nerve to scold them for not being able to look after their niece carefully.

"It's nothing at the sight of her faking a cry after eating something red." Yunho said as he fed baby Cap of some fried rice.

"That little girl of mine thinks she can have ice cream every time she cries after eating whatever is red." Jaejoong laughed softly as the man was splitting up the meat of the chicken drumsticks for his daughter.

"…keam…" Baby Cap said with a smile as she threw her small right arm in the air, then she hummed happily and rocked her upper body from right to left. She clapped her hands together and grinned before taking the small spoonful of rice her appa Yunho was given her.

Everyone burst into laughter while Jaejoong rolled up his eyes at how his daughter was fond of ice cream since that day. Baby Cap was a clever little brownie girl. And the man did not want to change anything about her. But he was not going to give in either. His baby girl needed to understand that she could not just cry and people would give her whatever she wanted on a silver platter.

"This fried rice is good but not in my taste." Mr. Kim said with a frown, not knowing what the taste was lacking.

"No kimchi?" Sooyoung asked with a smile.

"Yes! There's no kimchi." The older man nodded as he stood up from his chair. "You're not Korean if you don't eat kimchi. The best of the best in our country." Mr. Kim replied as he was taken a box filled with a homemade kimchi from the fridge.

"Sorry appa." Jaejoong apologized as he was feeding Capucine some chicken meat. Fortunately for him, his baby daughter munched onto the meat eagerly, making her father and everyone laugh at how playful she was.

"Don't apologize! I know that you tend to cook for your baby girl more than for us." The man added as he was cutting some kimchi quietly on a cutting board. "And talking about our little Hanlyeon, did she have her doljabi?" Mr. Kim asked as he was looking at his son, while all the adults turned their attention to the young father.

"No." Jaejoong answered quietly as he gave another morsel of the slow-cooked chicken meat to his daughter, being amused that his father called her with her Korean name not her French name. "She was put into incubator after her birth. I couldn't celebrated the saei-rye (21 days of being born) for her well-being. So, the doljabi at her first year of birth... Every day was more a battle for me not to fall into despair..." He let out with a sad smile as he was watching Capucine trying to chew onto the white meat he had given her.

Mr. Kim nodded in silence as he returned the box of kimchi into the fridge, while the others said nothing. Every time Jaejoong talked about that time when he was fighting alone with his daughter, they all felt guilty for not being there for the man. Soon, the older man walked back to the table with his plate of kimchi. And his youngest daughter didn't waste her time and took a bit of th